Not Sure Where To Go From Here...Depression Setting I Fear...

[tenchikoi]

My husband and I had a serious talk last night about sex and family planning. We didn't fight or yell. Yet I feel like it would have been kinder if he'd just shot me in the head. When we got married, he said he wanted a family some day. Yet he has never had a good libido at all. The doctor wanted us to have sex every other day and wanted us to take it seriously if we truly wanted a family. So I've been attempting to do that. But last night he didn't seem interested so I asked him what's on his mind and to please be honest. He tells me he just doesn't care about sex and gets no enjoyment out of it. Also, that he's unsure if he wants kids because it's a huge life changer. Well no shit Sherlock. It made me very angry. I felt like he's been lying to me and wasting my time/energy working towards a goal he was never interested in. What makes it worse...he views sex with me as a chore, like something he has to do to be a good husband. I didn't yell or cry since that would just make him defensive and he'd blame me somehow. I just wish my husband wanted to make love with me because he loves me and enjoys being with me that way. But he doesn't. I feel as if I've been tricked or lied to. I feel like a widow or someone just living with a room mate. He really hurt me last night and I'm beginning to feel as if I never want him to touch me again because I know it's something he doesn't enjoy. I seriously consider this a breach of our wedding vows if he can't hold up his end of the deal. I don't know what to do. I need/want sex to feel like a whole and healthy human being. Maybe I should just get a dog. At least I'll have someone who will love/accept me unconditionally.

 

[littlecordelera]

I feel for you.

Understand that your husband can't help the way he feels. On the other hand, it doesn't give him the right to mislead you. If he knew all along, then you have every right to be angry - very angry.

Maybe he has low testosterone. Will he see a doctor to find out? One other scary scenario...we met a woman at a bar one night who lived with her husband for 14 years before she found out he was gay.

I wish I had advice. I sure hope somehow this turns out okay.

 

[stickygirl]

As LC said - you've every right to feel let down. Get his hormones checked 'cos low testosterone can be a real game-changer.
I hope that knowing a few people here have listened helps a little

 

[PattiJolene]

That's just wrong, if he didn't want kids or had any doubt he should have spoke to you about this....l would be upset too. Sure kids change your world. For me it didn't affect my hub as much as it did me...l was the one that pretty much raised ours. Try to spice it up in the bedroom. Get some oils or toys....It might be up to you to get that imagination going...Good luck, keep us posted maybe we can help along the way...

 

[SweetErika]

I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

IIRC, you two have had issues for the duration of your relationship/marriage. Perhaps these are all escalating signals that you need to listen to your intuition and take some steps toward happiness. At least I find that the first signals that something is amiss in myself/my life hit me like spitballs, then pebbles, stones, and eventually bricks then semi-trucks if I continue to ignore them/my intuition on an issue. Maybe this is your Semi saying, 'HEY LADY, you really want to have kids, and that's not going to get any easier to do (or deal with not doing) as time marches on. It's time to take some steps toward that goal and make some changes in your life!"

Are you willing to consult a good therapist about formulating a plan of where you want to go from here and how you can keep your head above water mental health-wise while you're doing that?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Therapy works if both people want the same outcome NOT when the outcomes are different.

My wife wanted kids, I didn't, but I was okay having 4 kids, because she wanted them. I never wanted a station wagon, either....or cats. When she wanted to loan money to her friends I said NO FUCKING WAY.

My best friend wanted a child, his new wife didn't; she's a high octane executive for a major corporation who travels all over the planet. The deal we reached (I'm a retired therapist) was: She agreed to have the baby, and he agreed to raise the child. That was 25 years ago. The kid is grown and a college grad. He and mom love each other, and all is well. She wanted a career is all. She doesn't hate kids.

 

[NightL]

Are you bringing your doctor into your sex life? What your doctor wants may not be what suits both of you.

The Truth About How Much a Happy Couple Should Have Sex
http://jezebel.com/the-truth-about-how-much-a-happy-couple-should-have-sex-1531835849​

While I kind of agree with Uncle Jibbly's first sentence - how can any couple know and agree what the same outcome should be unless it is, recognizing there is a problem and wanting to improve it. Beyond that, the outcome is compromise and negotiation.

Go to a sex therapist, not a doctor. If your husband is reluctant to go initially with you, then make an appointment for yourself first. Discuss with the therapist how you may approach the situation with your husband.

Ultimately decisions will have to be made - don't leave it too late for yourself and for the child you wish to bring into the world.

 

[fire_breeze]

Are you bringing your doctor into your sex life? What your doctor wants may not be what suits both of you.

The Truth About How Much a Happy Couple Should Have Sex
http://jezebel.com/the-truth-about-how-much-a-happy-couple-should-have-sex-1531835849​

While I kind of agree with Uncle Jibbly's first sentence - how can any couple know and agree what the same outcome should be unless it is, recognizing there is a problem and wanting to improve it. Beyond that, the outcome is compromise and negotiation.

Go to a sex therapist, not a doctor. If your husband is reluctant to go initially with you, then make an appointment for yourself first. Discuss with the therapist how you may approach the situation with your husband.

Ultimately decisions will have to be made - don't leave it too late for yourself and for the child you wish to bring into the world.

I may have misunderstood the OP's post, but I was under the impression that the doctor recommended sex every other day to maximise conception?

That said, I do want to echo the therapist route - with him preferably, without if he is unwilling. There are lines of communications that are not open and you owe it to yourself to get into the heart of the matter.

If he is unwilling to improve, then what is he willing to do? I understand the impact stress has in a relationship - believe me, I really do - but the thing is that the stressed partner usually recognises and wants things to improve (at least, in my experience); it's just that sometimes the causes of stress cannot be revoked. He also has to make the conscientious effort to do what it takes to make you happy. "For better or for worse" does not mean sitting on one's ass and doing nothing. You have every right to be extremely angry, especially if he wasn't sure if he wanted children before you got married (actually, it is grounds for an annulment, but I digress).

I would also suggest and ask him what he wants out of the marriage- and what he is willing to do about it. From all that you have mentioned, it seems that the relationship is about him and his wants, and none about you. A relationship is about a partnership: it takes two.

Good luck

 

[SweetErika]

This and other previous threads may shed more light on the OP's situation. In the linked thread she said her husband is offended by the idea of counseling and has a host of other issues, so therapy as a couple may not be an option. Still, Tenchi, I think it's worth seeking therapy on your own because it sounds like you feel stuck in a situation that's unlikely to change if you two keep doing what you have been doing for the last 2-3 years.

Would your husband be more eager to work on your relationship if the only other option was ending your marriage?

 

[SiVisAmariAma]

First time posting, if I reply to the wrong comment my apologies. No longer finding the idea of things, especially sex which I am assuming was present earlier in your relationship, can be the hallmark of conditions like anhedonia or even global conditions like depression presenting as blunted affect. In any case, aligning your interests with his as a joint goal of healthy communication or a revitalized relationship can really alleviate some of the tension. There is the possibility that he has internal reasons for not feeling particularly sexual, perhaps even to the point of establishing the act of sex as a negative experience. Shame over not living up to personal expectations or those of his wife could affect him deeply and an inability to express that could be seen as lashing out.

Well, enough rambling. I hope the two of you can have a fully open and candid conversation. But try at least a few times to truly put yourself in his shoes and ask him to do the same to understand how his words and actions are impacting you and the well being of your relationship. Trust can mean fidelity but also allowing your partner to see your vulnerabilities and helping them overcome their own.

 

[Somehowyou]

Gee Whiz...and at 38 your biological clock is ticking. There is one thing in my marriage that I will never regret: My children. Dogs are nice but don't settle.

Like Erica said above it is time to call his bluff. Maybe a sex therapist to learn to make it fun again?

One more thing. Is depression a chronic issue with you? If so, have you discussed a serotonin re-uptake inhibitor with your doctor? Does your hubby suffer from depression as well?

 

[silverwhisper]

tenchi, what is there that's actually good in your marriage? because from this and a few other threads over the years, it isn't clear to me that there's actually a reason to stay other than mere force of habit.

i don't say this lightly. but for fuck's sake, don't you deserve more?

ed

 

[unregistered]

 

[surferjake]

This.

I know how you feel, tench. And, if you're like me, I know how hard it would be to leave. But, it comes to a point at which one really must consider how much life there is to live.

There are things you accept and compromise on, things you can change and do, and things you can not change and can't compromise on.

This really sounds like the last.. there are relatively few things that I would say are definitive topics that a couple should not try to compromise on. If one wants a family and the other doesn't - it isn't going to work. That will be a life-long festering open wound and cause endless misery.

I can't think of something else that couldn't be worked out. Politics, religion, money, star-crossed lovers - all surmountable. Wanting to have a family vs not wanting to have a family? That's a dead end for me.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

This.

I know how you feel, tench. And, if you're like me, I know how hard it would be to leave. But, it comes to a point at which one really must consider how much life there is to live.

You cant possibly know how anyone feels, you know how you feel. Its the first thing I learned at therapist summer camp: NEVER ASSUME YOU KNOW HOW PATIENTS FEEL, CUZ YOULL BE WRONG.

 

[unregistered]

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Thanks, as usual, for feeling free to express your thoughts and feelings of superiority, JBJ. You're the best!

I know a delusion from a fact.

 

[tenchikoi]

I feel for you.

Understand that your husband can't help the way he feels. On the other hand, it doesn't give him the right to mislead you. If he knew all along, then you have every right to be angry - very angry.

Maybe he has low testosterone. Will he see a doctor to find out? One other scary scenario...we met a woman at a bar one night who lived with her husband for 14 years before she found out he was gay.

I wish I had advice. I sure hope somehow this turns out okay.

Hi there! Just have to say your avatar is so pretty! As for hubs, he does have low T and is for sure not gay sense he loves to watch hentai which is full of unrealistic, big boobed Asian girls. He's already been to the doctor about it and was told to exercise and eat better. I make sure he eats healthy, but he's so lazy about working out. But you know, it's his health and I'm done worrying about it. I'm taking care of me.

 

[tenchikoi]

As LC said - you've every right to feel let down. Get his hormones checked 'cos low testosterone can be a real game-changer.
I hope that knowing a few people here have listened helps a little

He's had them checked and has low T. But doesn't care about doing what the doctor told him. It does help to talk to others here. I need to reach out and make more friends on here.

 

[tenchikoi]

That's just wrong, if he didn't want kids or had any doubt he should have spoke to you about this....l would be upset too. Sure kids change your world. For me it didn't affect my hub as much as it did me...l was the one that pretty much raised ours. Try to spice it up in the bedroom. Get some oils or toys....It might be up to you to get that imagination going...Good luck, keep us posted maybe we can help along the way...

I've told him before that I refuse to coddle a lazy lover. If he isn't willing to put in just as much effort as I do then I'd rather he not bother since it's just insulting to me to be treated like an obligation. So I've decided to just take care of me and make sure my needs are met in my own way.

 

[tenchikoi]

I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

IIRC, you two have had issues for the duration of your relationship/marriage. Perhaps these are all escalating signals that you need to listen to your intuition and take some steps toward happiness. At least I find that the first signals that something is amiss in myself/my life hit me like spitballs, then pebbles, stones, and eventually bricks then semi-trucks if I continue to ignore them/my intuition on an issue. Maybe this is your Semi saying, 'HEY LADY, you really want to have kids, and that's not going to get any easier to do (or deal with not doing) as time marches on. It's time to take some steps toward that goal and make some changes in your life!"

Are you willing to consult a good therapist about formulating a plan of where you want to go from here and how you can keep your head above water mental health-wise while you're doing that?

Hi Erika! I've been seeing my own personal therapist for a while. I've made a lot of progress with taking care of me and not bothering to change him. Especially if he doesn't care enough to try. I honestly don't want a child with someone who isn't 100% on board for the journey. It isn't fair to the child or me.

 

[tenchikoi]

I may have misunderstood the OP's post, but I was under the impression that the doctor recommended sex every other day to maximise conception?

That said, I do want to echo the therapist route - with him preferably, without if he is unwilling. There are lines of communications that are not open and you owe it to yourself to get into the heart of the matter.

If he is unwilling to improve, then what is he willing to do? I understand the impact stress has in a relationship - believe me, I really do - but the thing is that the stressed partner usually recognises and wants things to improve (at least, in my experience); it's just that sometimes the causes of stress cannot be revoked. He also has to make the conscientious effort to do what it takes to make you happy. "For better or for worse" does not mean sitting on one's ass and doing nothing. You have every right to be extremely angry, especially if he wasn't sure if he wanted children before you got married (actually, it is grounds for an annulment, but I digress).

I would also suggest and ask him what he wants out of the marriage- and what he is willing to do about it. From all that you have mentioned, it seems that the relationship is about him and his wants, and none about you. A relationship is about a partnership: it takes two.

Good luck

He does have a hard time communicating his feelings due to culture and just not knowing how to say it clearly. We've made some good progress on that recently which is great. But still a long way to go. I told him we can forget about kids if he's not 100% sure, and it's fine if we never have a kid too. I married him because I love him, not for any potential kids come of it. Though a family would be nice, he's more important to me than anything else.

 

[tenchikoi]

tenchi, what is there that's actually good in your marriage? because from this and a few other threads over the years, it isn't clear to me that there's actually a reason to stay other than mere force of habit.

i don't say this lightly. but for fuck's sake, don't you deserve more?

ed

Honestly, everything is awesome aside from our mismatched libidos. I like sex, a lot. He doesn't. That's just how it is and neither of us is going to change. Actually, I told him I refuse to allow my sexuality to be held hostage by his lack of interest. That I'm going to tend to my own needs and he has no right to be offended if he's not going to do anything about it. I've felt much better after that. Aside from that, we're a perfect match. Have similar hobbies/interests, love to spend time together, appreciate the same humor and intellectual pursuits.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Honestly, everything is awesome aside from our mismatched libidos. I like sex, a lot. He doesn't. That's just how it is and neither of us is going to change. Actually, I told him I refuse to allow my sexuality to be held hostage by his lack of interest. That I'm going to tend to my own needs and he has no right to be offended if he's not going to do anything about it. I've felt much better after that. Aside from that, we're a perfect match. Have similar hobbies/interests, love to spend time together, appreciate the same humor and intellectual pursuits.

But do you have the same ideas about where yor lives are going?
The issue about having kids is a difficult one to not agree on because it will change your life and focus a lot.
Those hobbies and interests may gather some dust, for a while.

Is what you have in your relationship enough to be worth not having the kids you said you want?
Does he care that your wants and needs differ so greatly and if not, why?

Also, not having your sexuality held hostage is fine, but how will you feel about solo sex forever and/or how does he feel about an open relationship?

 

[tenchikoi]

But do you have the same ideas about where yor lives are going?
The issue about having kids is a difficult one to not agree on because it will change your life and focus a lot.
Those hobbies and interests may gather some dust, for a while.

Is what you have in your relationship enough to be worth not having the kids you said you want?
Does he care that your wants and needs differ so greatly and if not, why?

Also, not having your sexuality held hostage is fine, but how will you feel about solo sex forever and/or how does he feel about an open relationship?

He's totally worth growing old with, which is our mutual plan. Yes, our hobbies will change as we age and we'll find new things to be interested in together. I told him that I feel it's wrong for him to agree to have a kid just to make me happy. We have to be on the same page about it or not bother. Having or not having a kid isn't a deal breaker for us. I see the benefits and challenges either way. But I no desire to face the future without him by my side. I love him that much.