Not sure if he's a Dom

[MiniMiss]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half; a few of months ago he told me he was into BDSM as a Dom and since then we've been experimenting and getting into the lifestyle (keeping our relationship as well).
I must admit I've gotten into it quite a bit and I do believe I'm a sub. However he doesn't seem to be able to do anything past basics (light spanking, tying up and stuff like that) I'm not sure if it's just because he's scared to hurt me or something though he's always seemed too gentle and too much of a pushover to be into this life style (for example he lets me off punishments for next to no reasons).
It just got me thinking is he really a Dom or just scared ? (We're both new to all this)

 

[MeekMe]

Sounds like you both need to communicate. Since you're both new to this I'd say it's not a question of whether someone is or isn't a dom/sub. If you think that punishments are necessary and you want them to be enforced, tell him that.

If someone identifies as a dominant, they don't necessarily have to fall under the dark, scary, bossy, asshole category. Dom types can be gentle and sweet. Subs can be assholes. Talk to him and work it out. If you want more advanced stuff make suggestions and offer to learn together.

 

[simpletimes]

This thread hits home for me in many ways.
I and my little one had and still spend many hours talking about this subject. We have been together just under 2 years and spent our first year just discovering each other. As we talked and grew as a couple we began to share our fantasies. One very big fantasy of hers is to be in a Dom/sub relationship. To be honest this is something I never saw myself as (Dom), and in the early stages I admit I did it only to please her. The last couple months, with much communication I have grown quite fond of my position as her Dom, though I am still learning I believe. I have grown as has she.
I admit it can be a constant inner battle with myself to not be such a tender heart, it is my nature to nurture, but I am finding myself growing stronger each day. We do not live this 24/7 because of so many distractions; kids, jobs and all the other real world activities, but it has blended into our real life nicely.
All I can say is communicate constantly. Let your man work things out within himself and in time I am sure you will both find a very happy medium. You both need to grow into this new role and nothing grows over night. Keep talking, keep exploring, and keep growing together.

 

[KoPilot]

Since it seems Stella_Omega hasn't been on too much lately, I'll take the initiative! and link you to the essay in her signature for you: http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=42017419&postcount=148

Her assertion is that when most people say "sub" and "dom", they actually mean "bottom" and "top". Not that labels are the end-all, but it's useful to know that there are names for all sorts of concepts and arrangements in BDSM.

Maybe see if any of it makes sense to either of you.

 

[Karen5519]

I agree, communication is the key. I think maybe just your husband needs to hear what you want and how much. My husband and I have used 'light bondage' as well and he is somewhat uncomfortable playing the dom role but I don't think we'd take it too much further than what we've done. My understanding too is there are various levels and interest in BDSM. Give it time and talk about it.

 

[MDaddy]

I won't elaborate too much but I will say the level of ones strength does not determine their level of Dominance. For instance the 50's era held a Dominance rain without any force at all the man wore the pants and was headboard household and the woman understood that role and never questioned without th new for "force" or punishment.

 

[KoPilot]

I won't elaborate too much but I will say the level of ones strength does not determine their level of Dominance. For instance the 50's era held a Dominance rain without any force at all the man wore the pants and was headboard household and the woman understood that role and never questioned without th new for "force" or punishment.

Ummm women questioned that all the time. They either drugged themselves up to just make it through the day, had affairs, got divorced, beaten, or were just plain stuck in mental institutions.

Read some goddamn history before citing it as a source.

 

[CutieMouse]

I won't elaborate too much but I will say the level of ones strength does not determine their level of Dominance. For instance the 50's era held a Dominance rain without any force at all the man wore the pants and was headboard household and the woman understood that role and never questioned without th new for "force" or punishment.

Somebody got all his information about the 50s from reruns of old TV shows...

To the OP:

Just because he says he's into BDSM and dominant, doesn't mean that his idea of BDSM/ dominance is the same as your idea of BDSM/ dominance. Which means that it isn't so much a question of him being a dominant [or not], as it is a question of y'all being a compatible D/s couple [or not].

For example, you commented that he "lets you get off punishments for next to no reason". If you have agreed to submit to the man, and have "gotten into it quite a bit" and believe yourself to be submissive... why exactly are you disobeying him? Simplistic as it is - submissives, submit.

Also, not all D/s relationships involve punishment. Not all D/s relationships have lists of rules/ consequences. Not all D/s relationships require the dominant party to micromanage the submissive (keep track of what rules were, and weren't followed, and subsequent followup punishments/etc).

So. Basics.

When you think about D/s, what does it look like?
When he thinks about D/s what does it look like?
Where do those thoughts overlap?
Where are those thoughts in complete opposition?

Compare notes and figure out if y'all are in the same neighborhood, much less planet.

 

[MDaddy]

Ummm women questioned that all the time. They either drugged themselves up to just make it through the day, had affairs, got divorced, beaten, or were just plain stuck in mental institutions.

Read some goddamn history before citing it as a source.

Somebody got all his information about the 50s from reruns of old TV shows...

To the OP:

Just because he says he's into BDSM and dominant, doesn't mean that his idea of BDSM/ dominance is the same as your idea of BDSM/ dominance. Which means that it isn't so much a question of him being a dominant [or not], as it is a question of y'all being a compatible D/s couple [or not].

For example, you commented that he "lets you get off punishments for next to no reason". If you have agreed to submit to the man, and have "gotten into it quite a bit" and believe yourself to be submissive... why exactly are you disobeying him? Simplistic as it is - submissives, submit.

Also, not all D/s relationships involve punishment. Not all D/s relationships have lists of rules/ consequences. Not all D/s relationships require the dominant party to micromanage the submissive (keep track of what rules were, and weren't followed, and subsequent followup punishments/etc).

So. Basics.

When you think about D/s, what does it look like?
When he thinks about D/s what does it look like?
Where do those thoughts overlap?
Where are those thoughts in complete opposition?

Compare notes and figure out if y'all are in the same neighborhood, much less planet.

Well if y'all say so and partial to your beliefs its what I had grown up around watching my grandparents. Thank you very much let me guess y'all must think that 50 shades is the golden rule to D/s BDSM too huh? Lol I mean seriously BDSM is the "play" aspects behind the kinks and and D/s is more or less the structure behind the roles. There is no right or wrong way to be either D/s or BDSM as long as its equal for all parties involved and as well as safe and sound as well. Many people have many interests some aren't going to match your own you need to find common grounds and what works for you. Sure everything can be labeled but many can carry more than one label.

 

[MDaddy]

Most of the D/s and BDSM is opinionated and its not all one size fits all.

 

[moonbeam17]

Well if y'all say so and partial to your beliefs its what I had grown up around watching my grandparents. Thank you very much let me guess y'all must think that 50 shades is the golden rule to D/s BDSM too huh? Lol I mean seriously BDSM is the "play" aspects behind the kinks and and D/s is more or less the structure behind the roles. There is no right or wrong way to be either D/s or BDSM as long as its equal for all parties involved and as well as safe and sound as well. Many people have many interests some aren't going to match your own you need to find common grounds and what works for you. Sure everything can be labeled but many can carry more than one label.

For one, watching one couple doing their thing doesn't mean it applied to every couple of that era. That's as bad as assuming there's only one iteration of BDSM based off having read just one article.

Secondly, 50 shades is a flawed piece of fiction. Anyone who has spent some time in the community or researched BDSM at all, would know just how badly the author presented certain concepts / roles.

Lastly, BDSM is the catch all acronym for our community and how we define our roles in that community can be as much play or structured as we desire. There isn't anything innately more structured than something else in BDSM, it's all very specific and tailored to the people involved. Some want to play for awhile, some need structure, but no one will find more or less in any of the roles they try; they'll only find more or less with the relationships they make with others inside those roles.

 

[KoPilot]

Well if y'all say so and partial to your beliefs its what I had grown up around watching my grandparents. Thank you very much let me guess y'all must think that 50 shades is the golden rule to D/s BDSM too huh? Lol I mean seriously BDSM is the "play" aspects behind the kinks and and D/s is more or less the structure behind the roles. There is no right or wrong way to be either D/s or BDSM as long as its equal for all parties involved and as well as safe and sound as well. Many people have many interests some aren't going to match your own you need to find common grounds and what works for you. Sure everything can be labeled but many can carry more than one label.

This isn't even an argument.

I guess we can try to turn this into a lesson, tho: OP, the kink world is crawling with ignorant wankers like this guy; just laugh at them and get on with your own deal. Oh, and historical revisionism helps no one.

 

[MDaddy]

This isn't even an argument.

I guess we can try to turn this into a lesson, tho: OP, the kink world is crawling with ignorant wankers like this guy; just laugh at them and get on with your own deal. Oh, and historical revisionism helps no one.

I wasn't arguing merely pointing out that there are many ways to live your life. The way it works best for everyone. Also what works for one always isn't gonna work for another. People read with your mind not with your eyes and dont always judge less thee judge thyselves. Talk about ignorance.

 

[KoPilot]

I wasn't arguing merely pointing out that there are many ways to live your life. The way it works best for everyone. Also what works for one always isn't gonna work for another. People read with your mind not with your eyes and dont always judge less thee judge thyselves. Talk about ignorance.

the 50's era held a Dominance rain without any force at all the man wore the pants and was headboard household and the woman understood that role and never questioned without th new for "force" or punishment.

This has something to do with "there are many ways to live your life", how?

You are literally making a claim here about a period in American history that has no basis in reality. That's called historical revisionism. I told you to educate yourself. It's clear that you don't want to.

My point still stands.

 

[subwannabe]

Sounds to me like he thinks he's a dom and you don't. He probably has no idea that he's only on Dom 101 and you're looking for a college graduate. As others have already pointed out, communication is the key. He probably isn't going to be able to learn anymore without going to class and learning from the teacher. That would probably be you. While it kind of sucks to have to take a Dom's hand and teach him if you do it in the right way, and he is able to learn the mindset rather than concentrating on the specifics, you might be able to put him on the path of teaching himself. Try to find some videos that show him he is only in the first year of college and has much to learn. It's a case where you might have to open his eyes to a whole world he doesn't really know exists. I remember my first wife wanted to be a submissive slave but to her that meant tying her up, fucking her missionary and doggie style, and ordering her to give me a blow job but she won't swallow. That's it. Didn't leave me much of anything to work with but that's what being a submissive meant to her.