not sub enough? need advice.

[Netzach]

She feels she cannot do these things he wants NOR can she open up the marriage. They need to find a way to communicate and compromise in a way that will not psychologically hurt the OP. Because if you break your toys, you can't play with them anymore.

Then you kind of need to pick the lesser of these two evils and consider the stuff I said, or the completely frustrated party is just going to go rogue and find a solution on their own with someone else. That's the nature of major serious non-fulfillment. It hurts no less it just does it slowly.

I also think what KP threw out is a great idea - virtual can plug the hole, better to do it together than throw up your hands.

 

[KoPilot]

just phobias

Phobias are pretty much as deep as the human rabbit hole goes, lady.

I have one called trypophobia. I get angry and grossed out and my skin itches when it's triggered. I have another one that has no name, and it's triggered the worst of my panic attacks. Everything felt so gross and wrong that I literally wanted to hurt and kill myself because that was the only way I felt I could get away from it.

"Eat", "sleep", "shit", is the only stuff you'll find any further down. And they're pretty much beyond negotiation.

 

[IrisAlthea]

My birthday is in January. I will be 40 years old. That is the experience that I am extrapolating from here.

I’m not discussing issues regarding unborn children and disabilities. That has nothing to do with the OP. My intent was to offer clarification on the psychological aspect instead of just the physical limitations, in hopes that if her husband read the comments, maybe he could gain a different perspective.

The OP has said there has been a lot of discussion. From a man’s perspective, perhaps her husband is hearing that his wife is disappointed, holding back, or not able to trust him completely. If he interprets this, he is going to shut down as well. If he reads other women’s comments, this may broaden his mind a bit and help him understand that this may not actually be the case. I am just pulling at ideas here.

If she is trying to approach limitations that she believes she has and she is coming from the mindset that says “If I don’t do this right, he is going to be disappointed and I have let him down” she has already set herself up for failure. If he insists that if she can’t exceed her limits, then he will find someone who can, he is going to break her trust and he will never get it back.

So, my point was just that if he is able to help her believe, based on him having a slight change of heart, that even if she is not able to do everything he wants, he will not be disappointed and he will still accept her and stand by their commitment to each other, it is that very thing in itself that may take her beyond the limitations that she believes she has.

My perspective had nothing to do with disregarding someone's limitations. If you ask me, that's generalizing. I was suggesting that the OP and her husband to go way deeper than just phobias and pain thresholds.

Well, the bolded sentence was the level I was talking about in the post you answered and to me this is going to be relevant for someone who is intent on sticking it out no matter what.

My point is that there are some points in a longterm relationship where you are going to have to realize that you don't match up completely and that needs to be accepted and handled.
OP says that she really tried and that some of the things he wants were to much.
Your statement that you believe a submissive can be taken to a point of few limits might lead to the conclusion that if someone gets stuck like these people have then one or both isn't doing it right.

My reason for asking about what experience you are building from was actually because I wondered what you based the aforementioned belief on?

 

[uncertainsub]

Thanks again for all the helpful responses.

Since we really started getting into bdsm about a year ago, my husband has been doing lots of research and reading a lot of articles. Something has led him to believe that the only way you can overcome a phobia is too just do the thing that bothers you all the time and get desensitized to it. I think he feels like I must not trust enough, which is not true. I just panic when my hands and legs are bound too lightly where I can't move them. It almost gives me an anxiety attack thinking about it.

I think the meet in the middle solution would be something virtual. I really liked the virtual idea that another user mentioned. It would still be a little uncomfortabl me. We met online so I know that feelings and attraction can happen especially considering the concept of the whole virtual chat/meeting. But it would be much better than to think about him with some other woman in real life. i really never thought I would be in this predicament but here I am.

 

[moonbeam17]

Thanks again for all the helpful responses.

Since we really started getting into bdsm about a year ago, my husband has been doing lots of research and reading a lot of articles. Something has led him to believe that the only way you can overcome a phobia is too just do the thing that bothers you all the time and get desensitized to it. I think he feels like I must not trust enough, which is not true. I just panic when my hands and legs are bound too lightly where I can't move them. It almost gives me an anxiety attack thinking about it.

I think the meet in the middle solution would be something virtual. I really liked the virtual idea that another user mentioned. It would still be a little uncomfortabl me. We met online so I know that feelings and attraction can happen especially considering the concept of the whole virtual chat/meeting. But it would be much better than to think about him with some other woman in real life. i really never thought I would be in this predicament but here I am.

Without proper guidance, you "facing your fears" can actually increase your sensitivity to what you're already phobic about. It wasn't an idle comment when it was said this is how arrogant Doms break their toys. You have to tread carefully and thoughtfully when it comes to phobias as no matter how you attempt to rationalize your fear into nothingness, you're still fighting something that is at its root, irrational.

It's tantamount to putting out a fire by throwing more gasoline on it.

 

[satindesire]

Then you kind of need to pick the lesser of these two evils and consider the stuff I said, or the completely frustrated party is just going to go rogue and find a solution on their own with someone else. That's the nature of major serious non-fulfillment. It hurts no less it just does it slowly.

I also think what KP threw out is a great idea - virtual can plug the hole, better to do it together than throw up your hands.

Which is exactly what I said. " They need to find a way to communicate and compromise in a way that will not psychologically hurt the OP"

 

[satindesire]

Thanks again for all the helpful responses.

Since we really started getting into bdsm about a year ago, my husband has been doing lots of research and reading a lot of articles. Something has led him to believe that the only way you can overcome a phobia is too just do the thing that bothers you all the time and get desensitized to it. I think he feels like I must not trust enough, which is not true. I just panic when my hands and legs are bound too lightly where I can't move them. It almost gives me an anxiety attack thinking about it.

I think the meet in the middle solution would be something virtual. I really liked the virtual idea that another user mentioned. It would still be a little uncomfortabl me. We met online so I know that feelings and attraction can happen especially considering the concept of the whole virtual chat/meeting. But it would be much better than to think about him with some other woman in real life. i really never thought I would be in this predicament but here I am.

Exposure therapy should only be carried out by professional therapists! He could end up making your phobias worse or causing you to have a mental breakdown if he continues.

Please let him know that this needs to be done by a THERAPIST, not a horny guy with rope (no offense meant!), even if he is your beloved husband. A certain amount of experience and objectivity is absolutely necessary to get this right, and he has neither!!

Without proper guidance, you "facing your fears" can actually increase your sensitivity to what you're already phobic about. It wasn't an idle comment when it was said this is how arrogant Doms break their toys. You have to tread carefully and thoughtfully when it comes to phobias as no matter how you attempt to rationalize your fear into nothingness, you're still fighting something that is at its root, irrational.

It's tantamount to putting out a fire by throwing more gasoline on it.

EXACTLY!!

 

[Netzach]

Thanks again for all the helpful responses.

Since we really started getting into bdsm about a year ago, my husband has been doing lots of research and reading a lot of articles. Something has led him to believe that the only way you can overcome a phobia is too just do the thing that bothers you all the time and get desensitized to it. I think he feels like I must not trust enough, which is not true. I just panic when my hands and legs are bound too lightly where I can't move them. It almost gives me an anxiety attack thinking about it.

Even doctors do not do surgery on themselves or their immediate family members. So this is no bueno.

 

[DVS]

I just thought I'd join in on this discussion, because I have claustrophobia and maybe I can talk from experience. I know it's a phobia, something in my mind that began years ago, but it's still something I live with, to this day. I'm a dom, and enjoy tying women up very much, but to reverse the roles would be impossible, because of this phobia.

I'm not submissive, but I do sometimes envision myself in that role, when I play with bondage. I get a sick feeling in my stomach, when I think like that and it's not at all a good feeling. I feel honored that women trust me to do these things. We both gain pleasure from the act, but I would never try to force someone into such a situation if I knew they had claustrophobia. I know how it feels and it's a terrible feeling that isn't at all sexual. It's a dark torment that I wouldn't want to force upon anyone.

 

[satindesire]

I just want to point out that I hope Mrs. OP doesn't feel like we're dog-piling on her or coming down on HER for ANYTHING. We're here to love and support you and we're only worried about you.

I'm not the most graceful with words and tend to approach things with the delicacy of nuking a city to rid a house of fleas but I swear our (and my) intentions are 100% good.

 

[DVS]

These two people are going to have to talk this through for themselves. I think they've already started talking. They'll decide if they want to take our suggestions or maybe alter some suggestions to better fit their situation. The phobias and other limitations she has expressed are things she can't deny and so she and her husband will have to figure out a way to work around them. Expressing and accepting hard limits is something everybody deals with. Setting boundaries and living with them is a part of everyday life.

 

[subwannabe]

We both believe in sticking it out no matter what.

I think you got this wrong. Are you saying that if you say no, I'm drawing the line here, that he will accept that? If not then it is only you who believes in sticking it out no matter what.

 

[36524]

As a sexually submissive woman myself, this scares me. >_< I'm not at all aroused by pain, degradation, etc. I wonder why your husband, after years of being satisfied, would want to suddenly escalate to extreme BDSM.

Maybe my question shouldn't be here but in another thread. Extreme BDSM activity seems to me like there's something psychologically damaged and or damaging. But again, I'm ignorant to how a dom thinks and feels, and to that world. I just don't know how it is.

Anyway, I sincerely hope conversation has helped since you first posted.

 

[CutieMouse]

As a sexually submissive woman myself, this scares me. >_< I'm not at all aroused by pain, degradation, etc. I wonder why your husband, after years of being satisfied, would want to suddenly escalate to extreme BDSM.

Maybe my question shouldn't be here but in another thread. Extreme BDSM activity seems to me like there's something psychologically damaged and or damaging. But again, I'm ignorant to how a dom thinks and feels, and to that world. I just don't know how it is.

Anyway, I sincerely hope conversation has helped since you first posted.

[hijack]

Define "extreme".

There are things people enjoy, and things people don't. As long as the people who are enjoying themselves understand the risks, and consent to the activity, it doesn't particularly matter if someone else understands the whys and hows of a given kink.

Everyone has something in their life, that other people might consider damaging... kinky or not.

[/hijack]

 

[Carlskitty]

Have u asked him to try the pain himself first maybe a bit for pain himself might make him sit up and see it's ok giving but this is what it feels like taking.
I'd also say well if u want another women maybe I can have another man ,
.sometimes ppl just need to wake up and smell the coffee.
Pls don't do anything your not happy with .
Sometimes we have a good thing for so long we don't see just what we have got .
Make him remember what a good women he has got .xx

 

[36524]

[hijack]

Define "extreme".

There are things people enjoy, and things people don't. As long as the people who are enjoying themselves understand the risks, and consent to the activity, it doesn't particularly matter if someone else understands the whys and hows of a given kink.

Everyone has something in their life, that other people might consider damaging... kinky or not.

[/hijack]

Of course. I ultimately don't care what anyone else chooses to do voluntarily, it's not my business, I respect that. I was just talking about the specific dynamic between OP and her husband and how it has drastically changed.

I always wonder why. Why not? I'd prefer to try and understand than be okay with being confused, afraid, or ignorant.

And this is how I define "extreme:"

About a year ago, he told me about some of his dominant urges that he feels like he needs to explore. I have tried but some things I just cannot get into. I am claustrophobic and do not enjoy extreme pain or denial. These are the things he is into and says he needs to try these things.

As OP used the term.

 

[subwannabe]

I also wonder about the drastic change. All of your life you are one way and then all of a sudden you wake up and you want to beat your wife up, calling it BDSM? Makes me wonder if he was getting his BDSM on the side for several years and the relationship ended and then you want to intimidate your wife into taking over that part of your life which is now missing.

 

[36524]

I also wonder about the drastic change. All of your life you are one way and then all of a sudden you wake up and you want to beat your wife up, calling it BDSM? Makes me wonder if he was getting his BDSM on the side for several years and the relationship ended and then you want to intimidate your wife into taking over that part of your life which is now missing.

Thank you! And this is actually a very interesting theory I never would have considered, but I am naive. I really, really hope it all untangles for OP.