Normally, I wouldn't do this, but ...

[super_sonikku]

9005 views, 23 votes, and absolutely 0 feedback. It makes me kinda grouchy, I have to say.

Would appreciate it immensely if you were to have a look at this story. It's a Fetish story called Bitchy Dominatrix.

 

[KR1010]

9005 views, 23 votes, and absolutely 0 feedback. It makes me kinda grouchy, I have to say.

Would appreciate it immensely if you were to have a look at this story. It's a Fetish story called Bitchy Dominatrix.

I had a BBS (Bulletin Board Service) many years ago and it is unfortunate that members don't reply -- most are lurkers and such.

I WANT -- I WANT -- I WANT

But never any feedback.

I am also guilty of lurking but I tend to evaluate stories and give good/bad critasism if needed.

Ran H.S. Newspaper for 2 years and was putting out 20-30 pages a month.

Any help needed just ask -- Formating I am great at but creating stories I could not come close in comparison.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Congrats on your first Lit posting.

You have a tendency to see-saw between the present and past tense, which is very off-putting.

I nod my head slowly, excitement coursing through my body as I contemplate what I'm about to try; part of me is afraid that I'll mess it up and that Annie will be disappointed with my failure, but another, stronger, part of me is ridiculously turned on at the prospect: I push myself down on Annie's firm cock; once the tip hits the back of my throat, I tilted my head back and liberally coated the shaft with saliva in order to ease the passage. Annie pushed, ever so slowly, at my throat, letting me get used to being stretched out by something so massive before continuing. There was a slight resistance, but she simply thrust her way through it, and I had to take a deep breath – through my nose – to stop from passing out.

Past tense is more common in fiction unless you have a reason for wanting the present.

The opening paragraph was very confusing. I had to read it a couple of times to realise ‘you’ was ‘me’ and not the other half of ‘we’, if you follow me. In first person stories it is too easy to fall in the trap of talking to the reader and is best avoided.

Also to get the reader’s attention it is best to jump into some action straight away. Here, for example, you could start off in the sex shop buying the, toy, getting the wink, setting the action in Amsterdam’s red light district. Then give the surprise emotions of love at first sight.

Again, after saying you’ve barely met her, a few paragraphs later you know all about her cycling all over Holland and having been a gymnast.

Why the train? It seems irrelevant. Anyway, you don’t get sleeper cars on 3 hour routes.

At the end you just abandon ship in mid-copulation. You need to reach a climax then perhaps say the ‘Yes, Mistress’ as they cuddle.

I suggest you get an editor for your next story who can point out where you need to restructure the plot.

Good luck.

 

[LiveCat]

Since you asked so nicely I've just read your story - I don't normally read from the Fetish category and I'm only really interested in girl on girl action but for what my opinion's worth I thought it was well written.
The sex could have been more graphic and detailed but nice story

xx

 

[KR1010]

I have mild retadation / learning disability pls high aniety.

Otherwords my mind jumps around.

 

[KR1010]

Congrats on your first Lit posting.

You have a tendency to see-saw between the present and past tense, which is very off-putting.



Past tense is more common in fiction unless you have a reason for wanting the present.

The opening paragraph was very confusing. I had to read it a couple of times to realise ‘you’ was ‘me’ and not the other half of ‘we’, if you follow me. In first person stories it is too easy to fall in the trap of talking to the reader and is best avoided.

Also to get the reader’s attention it is best to jump into some action straight away. Here, for example, you could start off in the sex shop buying the, toy, getting the wink, setting the action in Amsterdam’s red light district. Then give the surprise emotions of love at first sight.

Again, after saying you’ve barely met her, a few paragraphs later you know all about her cycling all over Holland and having been a gymnast.

Why the train? It seems irrelevant. Anyway, you don’t get sleeper cars on 3 hour routes.

At the end you just abandon ship in mid-copulation. You need to reach a climax then perhaps say the ‘Yes, Mistress’ as they cuddle.

I suggest you get an editor for your next story who can point out where you need to restructure the plot.

Good luck.

There may be a mis-understanding -- I was making a COMMENT in reference to feedback but I am not the author or poster of the story.

KR1010

 

[bwallard]

I suspect you had a lot of views who gave up after the first few paragraphs.

The story never finds its feet. I feel like I'm watching someone who has slipped and is flailing about in the air. Are you going to land on your feet or crack your head? After a while I feel that neither is going to happen.

Here's where I stopped reading (after some quick scanning):

<quote>
"See anything in particular you like?" she asked, a soft chuckle escaping her perfect lips.

"You mean, apart from you," I said breathlessly, "all of this," I gestured to the toy shelf at large, "is quite good."
</quote>

There's nothing you can do with that. No wait - it would work as an event toward building an infuriating character (which would work as the ruse of a sub trying to infuriate his domme), but you're not doing that.

One of the practices of good writing is throwing away more than you keep. You need to do more throwing away. But keep some of it, for sure.