"I" day - saving inseminator Bobby - what doesn't work?

[Agent0069]

Hey all!

"Nude day story" contest is finally over, and I can finally create this thread without looking like I'm trying to fish for some votes.

For this contest I took "be creative" to heart, and submitted a story called "Saving Inseminator Bobby", which features 500 naked men invading a female-only city.

It is a Non-Consent/Reluctance story that glances over a few gangbangs, public sex scenes before arriving to a chapter where characters are literally fighting for their lives, followed by my best attempt yet at describing a rape scene (which is made compliant with this site rules by slapping "but then they enjoyed it too" on top).

I've got a few positive reviews, a couple positive comments, for which I am grateful.

Still, I can't help but notice that despite a rather large count of views (almost 9k) this story only has 15 votes - be they good or bad. For comparison - my other story, "Two Backpacks" doesn't feature a single sex scene, and yet has 30 votes.

So, I'm reaching out to you with a question. What doesn't work? If you were reading this story - what made you click away, or loose interest? Feel free to speak your mind, I'm open to any criticism!

 

[countdowntolov3]

Hi! I read about half and then skimmed the rest. I think I see a few stumbling points.

1) There are frequent grammer mistakes around present/past tense.

Everyone exhaled. Members of Angelic Guard would be very, very bad news indeed, and it's encouraging to know that today we won't encounter any.

They are quite common. Not so bad that they make understanding the story difficult, but common enough that they will be jarring to native English speakers.

2) Your forward did not, for me, match the story I was about to read. The forward made me think I should be looking for a serious and emotionally charged throughline under all the goofiness and satire. But by half way through I hadn't found it. I realize I may have bailed right before the payoff, but for a work this long I think you should give readers a glimmer of your main themes within the first 2 or 3 lit pages. And if you just wanted to write satire/humor, you don't need that forward.

3) I suspect that the NonCon category does you a disservice. While there is non-con as a theme it's treated so tongue and cheek that I suspect a reader looking for non-con themes will be disappointed. The Humor&Satire category would be more accurate, I think.

4) About half way through you take a dig at critics. This is rarely ever a good look. It comes off as attacking the reader.

I would hazard the guess that those things combine to "knock off" a chunk of readers.

There was a lot I liked about the story though. The central conceit of the world was silly, but "fun", with a few nice world-building twists around how female society was structured. The satire was heavy handed, but in many cases funny and effective (satire is hard, I have no illusion I would be less on-the-nose, and given you subject matter I think too much is better than too little).

I had to keep reminding myself not to twitch at "females"--since it made perfect sense for the MC's dialogue. I also liked the asian-cowboy white-samuri subversion. It came right as I was thinking, "this would hit better if he wasn't so on-the-nose with the man-society", and then you used Yamada nicely in the narrative, which helped it to be more than a one-off joke.

Hope that helps.

 

[Britva415]

despite a rather large count of views (almost 9k) this story only has 15 votes - be they good or bad. For comparison - my other story, "Two Backpacks" doesn't feature a single sex scene, and yet has 30 votes.

They're in different categories. Readers in different categories have different habits RE: interacting with the story when they're done reading.

What's even more interesting to me than the difference in votes is the huge difference in Favorites: Your NC one has five times the people who Favorited it as your Fetish one even though it has half the votes. So, it seems to me that it's "working." The total of your votes and Favorites is greater on your NC story than the total of your votes and Favorites on your Fetish story.

 

[Agent0069]

Hope that helps.

It helps a lot, thank you very much!

I'm aware that my grammar has degraded over the years, and I too suspected that my story doesn't deliver enough to satisfy a NC/R category reader, but you've presented a few more good points that I haven't even considered. Something to think about, for which I am grateful.

So, it seems to me that it's "working."

Well, it's not that bad... But it certainly could be better!