newbie

[lil_elmo]

Hubby and i have been discussing the BDSM lifestyle for months. In this time we have been lurking on this site absorbing what is talked about, and going to links we see listed.

i must say i have learned a lot while lurking. We have all ready discussed limits and what we are both looking for. We have also found a local online group that meets IRL in our area, but are still unsure (and nervous) about going that far. This can be considered step one for us--- not lurking on lit anymore.

i do have a question though that we have not seen talked about. i have done a search on the board and came up with no threads. so here goes............ gulp

i self injure. That is the one thing that is stopping me from the leap into a D/s realtionship. i worry that hubby (out of love) will want me to stop. i understand on why i do it and am working on that issue but the thought of stopping scares the crap out of me.

Are there any others like me on this board? If so, how is it dealt with in your life? Is that an ok thing to say that i want to keep control over? i am so confused about this and looking for advice from others.

Ok now to stop editing and deleting what i have typed. Time to hit submit gulp


lil elmo

 

[graceanne]

Hubby and i have been discussing the BDSM lifestyle for months. In this time we have been lurking on this site absorbing what is talked about, and going to links we see listed.

i must say i have learned a lot while lurking. We have all ready discussed limits and what we are both looking for. We have also found a local online group that meets IRL in our area, but are still unsure (and nervous) about going that far. This can be considered step one for us--- not lurking on lit anymore.

i do have a question though that we have not seen talked about. i have done a search on the board and came up with no threads. so here goes............ gulp

i self injure. That is the one thing that is stopping me from the leap into a D/s realtionship. i worry that hubby (out of love) will want me to stop. i understand on why i do it and am working on that issue but the thought of stopping scares the crap out of me.

Are there any others like me on this board? If so, how is it dealt with in your life? Is that an ok thing to say that i want to keep control over? i am so confused about this and looking for advice from others.

Ok now to stop editing and deleting what i have typed. Time to hit submit gulp


lil elmo

Hm, I don't know why it didn't show up, since this has been discussed endlessly. I'm sure someone who's better with the search function, and a good deal patient than me, could help you, but I'd bet that Lara has put it in the BDSM Library.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Welcome to the forum and don't be afraid to ask questions on anything you want or need to. You can find a thread specifically about self harm
here, and there are several places it has come up for discussion in other threads. If you go to the top of the BDSM Talk forum, top right hand corner, you will see a search function for this forum which if you put in self harm, will bring up a lot (400+) of threads which have touched on the topic, some more than others. LOL, I don't envy wading through all of them, so maybe it is better to wait for people to come into this thread and share their experiences with you. Enjoy the forum...it can be a fun place to be.

Catalina

 

[sigsauerprinces]

my two cents

the journey to an SM relationship from a vanilla one can be a long slow process..or sometimes it can move right along. when i was doing it, one piece of advice that helped immensely was to go slow. start with one thing a month that he has control over..maybe what you wear, or, it could be anything..then as you feel comfortable with that, you can slowly move up to more.

the thing with the self harm-i used to do it, and i understand the fear you have of stopping. i dont expect you to stop overnight and if yr hubby has any understanding of it i dont think he will either. but i also think that, as your Dom (or future Dom anyways) and also as a man who cares about and loves you, i can see it eventually being something that he would want to control and ultimately eliminate, because as you know, it harms you, and no real Dom wants his sub truly injured. i dont know how often you do it, but you could ask to have control of it now, and maybe in a few months, he could tell you youre only allowed to do it twice a week (or whatever, thats just an example). a month or two later it could be once a week. then maybe only if you go speak to him first and tell him youre having the urge to cut. and eventually...he may forbid it, out of love for you of course.

but as you guys are juust starting out and getting your feet wet in all this, i say its ok to go slow and still have some control over some things...just be open to the idea of him cutting (no pun intended) down and eventually eliminating it, because as a Dom thats his responsibility, to help you grow and change into a better, more healthier you

 

[Etoile]

Another very relevant thread was anyone like to self-harm? - but it might be triggering, please click with care.

That was actually one of my favorite things about the movie Secretary, though...how she no longer feels the need to self-harm after their relationship has been cemented and their roles established.

 

[Jay Davis]

Another very relevant thread was anyone like to self-harm? - but it might be triggering, please click with care.

That was actually one of my favorite things about the movie Secretary, though...how she no longer feels the need to self-harm after their relationship has been cemented and their roles established.

Interesting...the one thing I was bothered with about Secretary (which I otherwise liked very much) was that both the leads were presented as pretty damaged individuals before they found one another. I also found it implausible that he could "cure" her of cutting with a single command.

But that was a couple or three years ago, and my perceptions of BDSMers in general and myself in particular has shifted a bit since then. I've come to believe that those of us who are genuinely Dominant or submissive have all been affected by atypical childhoods in some way that lead or contributed to our sexual identity. So, in a sense, I think that maybe we are all damaged to some degree or another, at least in a conventional sense. I was never abused, physically or mentally, but my parents did interact with me and with one another in ways that I can see clearly shaped my perspective to be very Femme-top oriented.

I've also come to realize that the right Dominant just might be able to totally redirect my behavior through the force of Her will, particularly regarding a bad habit that I wanted to break but hadn't found the strength to conquer merely for my own sake.

So, in light of my evolving perceptions of both myself and D/s in general, I may need to revisit Secretary. I do remember identifying with Maggie Gyllenhaal's character very strongly, and sharing her joy at the conclusion of the film, when she finally found her bliss.

 

[lil_elmo]

Thank you all for your replies.

Hubby and i have been discussing what was suggested by others and really like the suggestions.

Sorry i have not answered earlier but i have been going thru old posts, trying to learn more and more.

Etoile thank you for the link and the warning. It was triggering, so i was not able to read most of it but i did post on it. Hope that helps people understand a bit more about the issue.

sigsauerprinces thank you for the insight. The suggestion also made a lot of sense and Hubby and i think it made a lot of sense for us down the road.

catalina_francisco I did the search again but i found the search engine would ignore the term self when i entered in self injury or self harm. Guess i am not patient enough to weed thru the 400 or so hits it came up with ss.

graceanne ty for being the first to respond and with no negativity. i was so scared posting that worried i would get told to go away or that i was crazy etc.

thank you all for the positive feedback.

lil elmo

 

[graceanne]

Thank you all for your replies.

Hubby and i have been discussing what was suggested by others and really like the suggestions.

Sorry i have not answered earlier but i have been going thru old posts, trying to learn more and more.

Etoile thank you for the link and the warning. It was triggering, so i was not able to read most of it but i did post on it. Hope that helps people understand a bit more about the issue.

sigsauerprinces thank you for the insight. The suggestion also made a lot of sense and Hubby and i think it made a lot of sense for us down the road.

catalina_francisco I did the search again but i found the search engine would ignore the term self when i entered in self injury or self harm. Guess i am not patient enough to weed thru the 400 or so hits it came up with ss.

graceanne ty for being the first to respond and with no negativity. i was so scared posting that worried i would get told to go away or that i was crazy etc.

thank you all for the positive feedback.

lil elmo

LOL Oh, believe me you won't get any negativity here for self harm. A good majority of the people here are cutters, and several very popular people on this board. I'm a biter - I bite myself.

 

[Leolover711]

Hubby and i have been discussing the BDSM lifestyle for months. In this time we have been lurking on this site absorbing what is talked about, and going to links we see listed.

i must say i have learned a lot while lurking. We have all ready discussed limits and what we are both looking for. We have also found a local online group that meets IRL in our area, but are still unsure (and nervous) about going that far. This can be considered step one for us--- not lurking on lit anymore.

i do have a question though that we have not seen talked about. i have done a search on the board and came up with no threads. so here goes............ gulp

i self injure. That is the one thing that is stopping me from the leap into a D/s realtionship. i worry that hubby (out of love) will want me to stop. i understand on why i do it and am working on that issue but the thought of stopping scares the crap out of me.

Are there any others like me on this board? If so, how is it dealt with in your life? Is that an ok thing to say that i want to keep control over? i am so confused about this and looking for advice from others.

Ok now to stop editing and deleting what i have typed. Time to hit submit gulp


lil elmo

lil elmo,
BDSM is a choice that people make in their sexual lifestyle. Self injury or cutting is a serious obsessive complusive psychological disorder. BDSM can awaken things in your subconscious that you may not be ready to deal with. I highly recommend that you seek professional help in dealing with your self injury problem before you branch into BDSM. Be safe, be well, love your self, take care of your self, then explore new worlds with your hubby. I fear that if you start exporing now, many issues will be confused and the two of you may wind up hurt or worse, apart. Best wishes. Leo

 

[Etoile]

I do remember identifying with Maggie Gyllenhaal's character very strongly, and sharing her joy at the conclusion of the film, when she finally found her bliss.

It was the pissing-in-her-chair scene that I really identified with. Loved that scene, absolutely loved it.