Newbie Trying to Explore Hidden BDSM Desires

[Aisline2007]

Hi there, everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. I have been on Lit for the last 20 years or so. In that time, I've been able to read a lot of stories and figure out some things that I like, but I guess I'm still in the exploratory era. I guess the meat of my question is, what am I? And I will try to be articulate and explain myself.

I am in a sexless marriage with a man I adore, but we have issues in the bedroom. He has only ever been a vanilla guy, and he was my first, so I didn't know what I didn't know. As I began reading on here about the things I liked, I was drawn more and more into the BDSM stories. However, in those stories, some things were huge turnoffs that seemed to be part of the undertone of the culture, I guess? For instance, I am not into degradation, I want to be with a partner who respects me as an equal in our vanilla day-to-day life, but once the doors are closed and the lights are off, I enjoy the sub position.

I get off when the idea of no control over my own body is introduced, but in a safe environment. Safe words, discussions of hard limits beforehand, etc, etc. I would have to have huge amounts of trust to even attempt some of the things that I've read and liked in the abstract in a real session. I am a deep thinker who also struggles with anxiety a lot of the time, so the draw for me in a sub position is to seriously turn my brain completely off. Just go on feelings and being told what to do instead of having to think about what I want, what I need, or like, and to just kind of do as directed, if that makes sense. The idea of teaching or directing or communicating when it comes to pleasuring a partner or myself takes work, and I can't enjoy things as much. (But I don't know because I've never experienced this irl)

I respond well to the idea of a sub position in those circumstances, but not in all manners and ways of life. So does that make me a sub, or just a dabbler at being a sub? I am really trying to explore and push boundaries in my mind to try and open up a locked part of myself, but I'm a big fat chicken about most of it, and just trying to have a real conversation with someone about all this. I hope some of this made sense to someone out there. I'd enjoy a DM, but a real conversation in a DM, let's not waste each other's time.

Any helpful insights or guidance would really be appreciated. Thanks friends!

 

[Aisline2007]

That actually does help a lot, thank you! I have just been drawn to the position to the sub when reading and I know it's not based in reality, because it's what it is. But parts of it that seem to be required to be a sub are things that just don't appeal to me. So this clarifies a lot, thank you!

 

[Aisline2007]

Can I send you a DM? I'd like to discuss this further if you're up for it

 

[Erosfan]

Hi there, everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. I have been on Lit for the last 20 years or so. In that time, I've been able to read a lot of stories and figure out some things that I like, but I guess I'm still in the exploratory era. I guess the meat of my question is, what am I? And I will try to be articulate and explain myself.

I am in a sexless marriage with a man I adore, but we have issues in the bedroom. He has only ever been a vanilla guy, and he was my first, so I didn't know what I didn't know. As I began reading on here about the things I liked, I was drawn more and more into the BDSM stories. However, in those stories, some things were huge turnoffs that seemed to be part of the undertone of the culture, I guess? For instance, I am not into degradation, I want to be with a partner who respects me as an equal in our vanilla day-to-day life, but once the doors are closed and the lights are off, I enjoy the sub position.

I get off when the idea of no control over my own body is introduced, but in a safe environment. Safe words, discussions of hard limits beforehand, etc, etc. I would have to have huge amounts of trust to even attempt some of the things that I've read and liked in the abstract in a real session. I am a deep thinker who also struggles with anxiety a lot of the time, so the draw for me in a sub position is to seriously turn my brain completely off. Just go on feelings and being told what to do instead of having to think about what I want, what I need, or like, and to just kind of do as directed, if that makes sense. The idea of teaching or directing or communicating when it comes to pleasuring a partner or myself takes work, and I can't enjoy things as much. (But I don't know because I've never experienced this irl)

I respond well to the idea of a sub position in those circumstances, but not in all manners and ways of life. So does that make me a sub, or just a dabbler at being a sub? I am really trying to explore and push boundaries in my mind to try and open up a locked part of myself, but I'm a big fat chicken about most of it, and just trying to have a real conversation with someone about all this. I hope some of this made sense to someone out there. I'd enjoy a DM, but a real conversation in a DM, let's not waste each other's time.

Any helpful insights or guidance would really be appreciated. Thanks friends!

You do have the tendencies of a sub. You need to find a way to have this discussion with your husband. I know that's easier said than done.
My late wife and I had many talks about our wants and likes regarding everything in our sex lives. In my real world, I am very much in control. In our private world, I was hers, all hers. She wasn't too keen to take charge at first, but over time, she became a wonderful, loving, gentle dom. Our discussions led to some very enjoyable experiences. We knew each other's limits and desires. She was good at taking me to my limits and occasionally, a little beyond. I have wonderful memories.
I hope you can find a way to experience what you desire, with your husband.

 

[Aisline2007]

You do have the tendencies of a sub. You need to find a way to have this discussion with your husband. I know that's easier said than done.
My late wife and I had many talks about our wants and likes regarding everything in our sex lives. In my real world, I am very much in control. In our private world, I was hers, all hers. She wasn't too keen to take charge at first, but over time, she became a wonderful, loving, gentle dom. Our discussions led to some very enjoyable experiences. We knew each other's limits and desires. She was good at taking me to my limits and occasionally, a little beyond. I have wonderful memories.
I hope you can find a way to experience what you desire, with your husband.

Wow, what a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing that. I don't think sharing my newly awakened desires with my husband is going to be an option. Believe me, that's what I wish for the most. It's just not an option, kind of why I've landed on the forums now...lol

I appreciate your relating your experiences with your wife, and I'm glad you were able to have a wonderful, fulfilling sex life with her. Some of us can only dream of such beautiful things.

 

[Tallcajun]

An option would be to find a Dom the understands your situation and can fulfill your desires, unattached. But you would have to be willing to do so behind your husband’s back, unless he approved.
Those type relationships do exist.

 

[Aisline2007]

An option would be to find a Dom the understands your situation and can fulfill your desires, unattached. But you would have to be willing to do so behind your husband’s back, unless he approved.
Those type relationships do exist.

I think that's likely the reason I've landed in this forum. Trying to reach out and see if there's someone who can just chat and talk bout this and figure out how to unlock the things I'm talking about. Thanks for the great idea!

 

[Tallcajun]

I’m sure you can find good advice here. Maybe even a connection. Stay vigilant.

 

[Aisline2007]

I’m sure you can find good advice here. Maybe even a connection. Stay vigilant.

I have to say I am meeting a lot of interesting people on this topic alone. I am hoping to match with someone who might allow us to take a virtual D/s relationship off this forum. Someone with whom I can talk and explore, and feel safe. Thank you for your kind words. I will keep searching!

 

[Dom70]

I read with interest your situation. I may be able to 'help' in some manner from some previous experiences. If you'd like, you may DM me.

 

[Aisline2007]

I read with interest your situation. I may be able to 'help' in some manner from some previous experiences. If you'd like, you may DM me.

You are welcome to reach out. Let's chat!

 

[dct10538]

You would like to be safely unsafe in a secret world, I believe. I think you will not be looking long.

 

[Aisline2007]

Yes! That is the mail right on the head. Thank you for phrasing it so succinctly and accurately.

 

[TellusMoon]

Blah, blah, blah, blah! You sound like a fat girl with issues. If you want something from your "partner", take it!!! You cant expect your partner to read your mind. Your submissiveness is a cop out for a lack of backbone in your "loveless" relationship. Stop complaining and grow a pair. Perhaps your relationship is loveless because your partner doesnt respect you since you dont seem to respect yourself. If you open your mouth and tell her what you need and want, then dominate her so she can experience your fire, the world will be yours. Then you can play dom and subby games to your hearts content.

You are just stupid and clueless.

 

[ChuckWolf]

I get off when the idea of no control over my own body is introduced, but in a safe environment. Safe words, discussions of hard limits beforehand, etc, etc. I would have to have huge amounts of trust to even attempt some of the things that I've read and liked in the abstract in a real session. I am a deep thinker who also struggles with anxiety a lot of the time, so the draw for me in a sub position is to seriously turn my brain completely off. Just go on feelings and being told what to do instead of having to think about what I want, what I need, or like, and to just kind of do as directed, if that makes sense. The idea of teaching or directing or communicating when it comes to pleasuring a partner or myself takes work, and I can't enjoy things as much. (But I don't know because I've never experienced this irl)

I respond well to the idea of a sub position in those circumstances, but not in all manners and ways of life. So does that make me a sub, or just a dabbler at being a sub? I am really trying to explore and push boundaries in my mind to try and open up a locked part of myself, but I'm a big fat chicken about most of it, and just trying to have a real conversation with someone about all this. I hope some of this made sense to someone out there. I'd enjoy a DM, but a real conversation in a DM, let's not waste each other's time.

You seem like a very sexy lady; your husband is an idiot.

You might be interested in mind control stories/roleplay, where the protagonist (you) is forced to let themselves be sexually used and degraded by an evil witch/hypnotist/extraterrestrials/whatever and you are helpless to prevent it, being trapped in a body you no longer control.

 

[Goldenh123456789]

Hi there, everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. I have been on Lit for the last 20 years or so. In that time, I've been able to read a lot of stories and figure out some things that I like, but I guess I'm still in the exploratory era. I guess the meat of my question is, what am I? And I will try to be articulate and explain myself.

I am in a sexless marriage with a man I adore, but we have issues in the bedroom. He has only ever been a vanilla guy, and he was my first, so I didn't know what I didn't know. As I began reading on here about the things I liked, I was drawn more and more into the BDSM stories. However, in those stories, some things were huge turnoffs that seemed to be part of the undertone of the culture, I guess? For instance, I am not into degradation, I want to be with a partner who respects me as an equal in our vanilla day-to-day life, but once the doors are closed and the lights are off, I enjoy the sub position.

I get off when the idea of no control over my own body is introduced, but in a safe environment. Safe words, discussions of hard limits beforehand, etc, etc. I would have to have huge amounts of trust to even attempt some of the things that I've read and liked in the abstract in a real session. I am a deep thinker who also struggles with anxiety a lot of the time, so the draw for me in a sub position is to seriously turn my brain completely off. Just go on feelings and being told what to do instead of having to think about what I want, what I need, or like, and to just kind of do as directed, if that makes sense. The idea of teaching or directing or communicating when it comes to pleasuring a partner or myself takes work, and I can't enjoy things as much. (But I don't know because I've never experienced this irl)

I respond well to the idea of a sub position in those circumstances, but not in all manners and ways of life. So does that make me a sub, or just a dabbler at being a sub? I am really trying to explore and push boundaries in my mind to try and open up a locked part of myself, but I'm a big fat chicken about most of it, and just trying to have a real conversation with someone about all this. I hope some of this made sense to someone out there. I'd enjoy a DM, but a real conversation in a DM, let's not waste each other's time.

Any helpful insights or guidance would really be appreciated. Thanks friends!

Happy to chat if you would value experiences from the female sub perspective. I’ve found it’s also very different in person versus online ! My conclusion is that there is no one mould for being a sub, you do the parts you like and excite you, and you tell your dom which you don’t want to pursue. He or she should then be able to steer a course for mutual pleasure, but if they can’t then move on to find one who can. Ps I’m still looking as they’re not easy to find ! Maria x

 

[Beth35s]

Hi there, everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. I have been on Lit for the last 20 years or so. In that time, I've been able to read a lot of stories and figure out some things that I like, but I guess I'm still in the exploratory era. I guess the meat of my question is, what am I? And I will try to be articulate and explain myself.

I am in a sexless marriage with a man I adore, but we have issues in the bedroom. He has only ever been a vanilla guy, and he was my first, so I didn't know what I didn't know. As I began reading on here about the things I liked, I was drawn more and more into the BDSM stories. However, in those stories, some things were huge turnoffs that seemed to be part of the undertone of the culture, I guess? For instance, I am not into degradation, I want to be with a partner who respects me as an equal in our vanilla day-to-day life, but once the doors are closed and the lights are off, I enjoy the sub position.

I get off when the idea of no control over my own body is introduced, but in a safe environment. Safe words, discussions of hard limits beforehand, etc, etc. I would have to have huge amounts of trust to even attempt some of the things that I've read and liked in the abstract in a real session. I am a deep thinker who also struggles with anxiety a lot of the time, so the draw for me in a sub position is to seriously turn my brain completely off. Just go on feelings and being told what to do instead of having to think about what I want, what I need, or like, and to just kind of do as directed, if that makes sense. The idea of teaching or directing or communicating when it comes to pleasuring a partner or myself takes work, and I can't enjoy things as much. (But I don't know because I've never experienced this irl)

I respond well to the idea of a sub position in those circumstances, but not in all manners and ways of life. So does that make me a sub, or just a dabbler at being a sub? I am really trying to explore and push boundaries in my mind to try and open up a locked part of myself, but I'm a big fat chicken about most of it, and just trying to have a real conversation with someone about all this. I hope some of this made sense to someone out there. I'd enjoy a DM, but a real conversation in a DM, let's not waste each other's time.

Any helpful insights or guidance would really be appreciated. Thanks friends!

I feel your post could have been written by me…almost exactly. I promise myself I am not going to read or chat here but always come back as I have this submissive side of me that never fully goes away. I think fantasies of being a submissive excite me, and I am finally learning to accept that…I do feel guilty keeping this from my husband but my situation is much like yours. I hope you found someone to chat with!

 

[SirSparky]

I feel your post could have been written by me…almost exactly. I promise myself I am not going to read or chat here but always come back as I have this submissive side of me that never fully goes away. I think fantasies of being a submissive excite me, and I am finally learning to accept that…I do feel guilty keeping this from my husband but my situation is much like yours. I hope you found someone to chat with!

Hi I would love to discuss this more with you. What abojt being submissive excites you. Please pm me

 

[HyposMuse]

Hey, welcome! Tagging @Hypocrites for the Dom perspective if he has thoughts.

You sound like a bedroom submissive or situational submissive. Equal in daily life, soft and surrendered behind a closed door. Not a dabbler. That is a real and very common lane, especially for deep thinkers with anxious brains who want to turn the thoughts off and follow.

How to introduce it without doing all the work
Think small and specific. Instead of “let’s do BDSM,” make one tiny ask that lets him win. (I think we as submissives can often forget that Doms need their ego stroked a bit too. And giving him a win may be the spark that lights the flame of what you’re looking for!)

Try this text you can copy
“I want to try something easy tonight. Five minutes, lights low. You tell me what to do and I will follow. I will use green, yellow, red so you know I am good. If we hate it we stop and cuddle. Would you be willing to try that with me?”

Give him a low effort Dom starter kit so he does not have to invent it, it can take the mystery and fear from the scene and let you both focus on if this works for you.
Commands he can use right away:

• “Hands behind your back.”
• “Eyes on me.”
• “Kneel at the edge of the bed.”
• “Ask for a kiss. Wait until I say yes.”
• “Count ten slow spanks out loud.”

Praise and guidance lines he can steal:

• “Good girl, just like that.”
• “Breathe. In through your nose. Slow.”
• “Use your words. Green or yellow.”
• “Stay still for me.”
• “I am proud of you.”

Safe word set. Green means I am safe and want more. Yellow means pause and check in. Red means stop. Or choose a silly word so that if it’s called you can diffuse together with laughter and joy no matter what the circumstance is! Five minute timer the first time so nobody feels trapped. A tiny aftercare plan agreed up front. Water, a blanket, two minutes of quiet touch.

First scene recipe for the anxious brain
One blindfold or pillow over eyes.
Hands behind back or lightly held, no rope yet.
Three simple commands.
Ten counted swats on the thigh or butt.
Kneel and thank him.
Cuddle and debrief for two minutes.
What worked.
What did not.
One thing to try next time.

Smut to calibrate together
Read separately and highlight the bits that hit. Then trade notes with a simple key. Yes. Maybe. No. You are not presenting a thesis. You are circling the map.

Hot books with clearer consent and praise vibes:

1. Neon Gods by Katee Robert.
2. The Siren or The Red by Tiffany Reisz.
3. Praise by Sara Cate if you like praise kink and power dynamics in modern settings.
4. The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang if you want tender, explicit, very consent forward heat that still lets the brain relax.

Literotica of course is… Literotica and has all the stories. I can recommend a few privately if you’d like.

How to frame this so he does not feel wrong or inadequate:
“I love you and I feel safest with you. This is not a complaint. It is a curiosity. I want to try a tiny structured thing because my brain shuts up when someone I trust takes the lead. Will you try being that for me for five minutes and see how it feels for you too”

What to avoid at first since you said no to degradation. Skip name calling. Skip humiliation. Keep language respectful and directive. Praise and caretaking dominance are your friends.

If he is nervous, keep the bar low. One command done well beats a complicated scene done poorly. If he enjoys it, add one new element next time. A belt on the floor he can point to. A glass of water you have to ask permission to drink. A simple position word like present or kneel.

If you want I can send you a one page cheat sheet he can read in two minutes. Commands, praise lines, safety, and a five minute scene he can run like a script the first time. Zero homework, maximum win!

You are not a chicken. You are careful. That is smart.

If you want a real DM conversation, I am game.

-Muse

 

[notexactlymelville]

Any helpful insights or guidance would really be appreciated. Thanks friends!

Often aspects of BDSM culture are standins for affection, or formalizations thereof for those of us that struggle really describing what it is that we want. I think a lot of possessive affection can be mistaken for BDSM as well. It's an insanely broad category.

Even one of your turnoffs like degradation can actually work as a strong underlining of possessive affection and trust, which is why aftercare is such an important thing. There's been some degradation in my relationships in the virtual sense; Marking her with slaps and pinches, threatening to "share her", things like that. But none of that has ever happened without a HUGE amount of preexisting trust and reaffirmations of true possessive affection.

I didn't think this stuff was BDSM at all when I was younger because I never wanted to tie anyone up and I never found the leather/bondage aesthetic particularly hot (pretty, but not necessarily hot). It took a lot of experience in long relationships to hammer down what was "BDSM culture" and what was just possessive affection and desire.

 

[Beth35s]

Hey, welcome! Tagging @Hypocrites for the Dom perspective if he has thoughts.

You sound like a bedroom submissive or situational submissive. Equal in daily life, soft and surrendered behind a closed door. Not a dabbler. That is a real and very common lane, especially for deep thinkers with anxious brains who want to turn the thoughts off and follow.

How to introduce it without doing all the work
Think small and specific. Instead of “let’s do BDSM,” make one tiny ask that lets him win. (I think we as submissives can often forget that Doms need their ego stroked a bit too. And giving him a win may be the spark that lights the flame of what you’re looking for!)

Try this text you can copy
“I want to try something easy tonight. Five minutes, lights low. You tell me what to do and I will follow. I will use green, yellow, red so you know I am good. If we hate it we stop and cuddle. Would you be willing to try that with me?”

Give him a low effort Dom starter kit so he does not have to invent it, it can take the mystery and fear from the scene and let you both focus on if this works for you.
Commands he can use right away:

• “Hands behind your back.”
• “Eyes on me.”
• “Kneel at the edge of the bed.”
• “Ask for a kiss. Wait until I say yes.”
• “Count ten slow spanks out loud.”

Praise and guidance lines he can steal:

• “Good girl, just like that.”
• “Breathe. In through your nose. Slow.”
• “Use your words. Green or yellow.”
• “Stay still for me.”
• “I am proud of you.”

Safe word set. Green means I am safe and want more. Yellow means pause and check in. Red means stop. Or choose a silly word so that if it’s called you can diffuse together with laughter and joy no matter what the circumstance is! Five minute timer the first time so nobody feels trapped. A tiny aftercare plan agreed up front. Water, a blanket, two minutes of quiet touch.

First scene recipe for the anxious brain
One blindfold or pillow over eyes.
Hands behind back or lightly held, no rope yet.
Three simple commands.
Ten counted swats on the thigh or butt.
Kneel and thank him.
Cuddle and debrief for two minutes.
What worked.
What did not.
One thing to try next time.

Smut to calibrate together
Read separately and highlight the bits that hit. Then trade notes with a simple key. Yes. Maybe. No. You are not presenting a thesis. You are circling the map.

Hot books with clearer consent and praise vibes:

1. Neon Gods by Katee Robert.
2. The Siren or The Red by Tiffany Reisz.
3. Praise by Sara Cate if you like praise kink and power dynamics in modern settings.
4. The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang if you want tender, explicit, very consent forward heat that still lets the brain relax.

Literotica of course is… Literotica and has all the stories. I can recommend a few privately if you’d like.

How to frame this so he does not feel wrong or inadequate:
“I love you and I feel safest with you. This is not a complaint. It is a curiosity. I want to try a tiny structured thing because my brain shuts up when someone I trust takes the lead. Will you try being that for me for five minutes and see how it feels for you too”

What to avoid at first since you said no to degradation. Skip name calling. Skip humiliation. Keep language respectful and directive. Praise and caretaking dominance are your friends.

If he is nervous, keep the bar low. One command done well beats a complicated scene done poorly. If he enjoys it, add one new element next time. A belt on the floor he can point to. A glass of water you have to ask permission to drink. A simple position word like present or kneel.

If you want I can send you a one page cheat sheet he can read in two minutes. Commands, praise lines, safety, and a five minute scene he can run like a script the first time. Zero homework, maximum win!

You are not a chicken. You are careful. That is smart.

If you want a real DM conversation, I am game.

-Muse

Thanks for this…not sure if it will work for me but worth a try…

 

[silky52]

I feel your post could have been written by me…almost exactly. I promise myself I am not going to read or chat here but always come back as I have this submissive side of me that never fully goes away. I think fantasies of being a submissive excite me, and I am finally learning to accept that…I do feel guilty keeping this from my husband but my situation is much like yours. I hope you found someone to chat with!

Ditto!

 

[SirSparky]

Ditto!

Feel free to pm would love to know more

 

[HarleyQuim]

Hi there, everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster. I have been on Lit for the last 20 years or so. In that time, I've been able to read a lot of stories and figure out some things that I like, but I guess I'm still in the exploratory era. I guess the meat of my question is, what am I? And I will try to be articulate and explain myself.

I am in a sexless marriage with a man I adore, but we have issues in the bedroom. He has only ever been a vanilla guy, and he was my first, so I didn't know what I didn't know. As I began reading on here about the things I liked, I was drawn more and more into the BDSM stories. However, in those stories, some things were huge turnoffs that seemed to be part of the undertone of the culture, I guess? For instance, I am not into degradation, I want to be with a partner who respects me as an equal in our vanilla day-to-day life, but once the doors are closed and the lights are off, I enjoy the sub position.

I get off when the idea of no control over my own body is introduced, but in a safe environment. Safe words, discussions of hard limits beforehand, etc, etc. I would have to have huge amounts of trust to even attempt some of the things that I've read and liked in the abstract in a real session. I am a deep thinker who also struggles with anxiety a lot of the time, so the draw for me in a sub position is to seriously turn my brain completely off. Just go on feelings and being told what to do instead of having to think about what I want, what I need, or like, and to just kind of do as directed, if that makes sense. The idea of teaching or directing or communicating when it comes to pleasuring a partner or myself takes work, and I can't enjoy things as much. (But I don't know because I've never experienced this irl)

I respond well to the idea of a sub position in those circumstances, but not in all manners and ways of life. So does that make me a sub, or just a dabbler at being a sub? I am really trying to explore and push boundaries in my mind to try and open up a locked part of myself, but I'm a big fat chicken about most of it, and just trying to have a real conversation with someone about all this. I hope some of this made sense to someone out there. I'd enjoy a DM, but a real conversation in a DM, let's not waste each other's time.

Any helpful insights or guidance would really be appreciated. Thanks friends!

I hope whatever you decide to do you and your partner can be healthy on the other side.

I think you can pursue a few routes. First, and this is my advice whenever asking for something sexual from a penis owner, try to have the conversation mid-blow job. It sounds like this could be difficult so it may take some effort. He may need to see his doctor too, sexual dysfunction can be a symptom of serious health issues.

Second option, hire a sex worker. This would likely be a same sex experience as professional male Doms are scarce. You can decide if it’s a fantasy or something you really like. You’d also have control as the customer if you find a reputable pro.

Third option is to attend a local munch. You’ll meet people who have been in your shoes and possibly meet someone who can help you out. If you create a FetLife profile you should be able to find a munch near you.

I hope this work out for you, I really do.