Newbie in distress!

[ellynei]

Looking for an editor.

Non-erotic science fiction/fantasy book-series size.

I am in over my head, it wasn't the plan, it wasn't meant to come out yet. But it insisted.

First draft of first book written, I put a new chapter on lit every week. (Just submitted fifth chapter this weekend).

I don't expect anyone would ever volunteer to edit the full of a work of this size (109k words at last count and growing, most of it not yet submitted.)

But maybe someone out there would be willing to look at a single chapter now and then?

It's not just the grammar that I could use advice on, (I am working hard on improving my grammar and punctuation though). It is also the more advanced technical stuff.

Which order should certain things be presented in? How to retain a feeling of immediacy?


Any sci fi enthusiasts out there who got some spare time and energy?


I really am in distress, I really do feel clueless on so many points in how to present the story.

(The chapter I thought would make many stop reading, is the one that scores highest on stars. The chapter I thought was more acceptable for readers in general scores lowest. Of course, votes are so few that they aren't really statistically significant. Yet I can't help but think about it.)

I just want to learn to write!!!

Does anybody want to give me a lil push or pointer in the right direction?



My author profile thingy with links to chapters etc:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=945116

(P.S.
When I'm not working on the non-erotic 'Majgen' sci fi, I write for NonCon/Reluct category, ranging from sweet and innocent gang bangs to quite disturbing one on one abuse.)

 

[Guest]

It's hard to argue with the red H's on all four chapters; you must be doing something right for your readers!

For what it's worth, here's my take on Chapter 1:

1) I think you have an interesting concept that can be developed very well and I think you show the talent to be able to do that.

2) Yes, you have grammatical issues but not particularly severe ones. Glad to hear you're working on them. A proofreader will help a lot.

3) You're overwriting by about 25-30%, in my estimation. While the longer format does give more latitude for digressions, they have to serve to develop character or your risk losing your reader's interest. You tend to repeat details excessively; some things the reader can intuit, even in science fiction stories.

Here's the opening to the chapter:

Shades of white were excessively dominant, in the focused lecture style classroom where the meeting took place.

This is not a strong hook that will have the reader wanting more, in my opinion. Just as a thought, consider that the cold whiteness of the room is a good metaphor for the icy reception that Majgen receives from the teachers.

The unusual colour choice for the design had the specific purpose of making students focus fully on lecturers, rather than the surroundings. For the time and age, it was unusual to use only shades of white to obtain that effect.

The balance required to increase focus on lecturers without having obstructive effects on concentration, was very hard to attain in a design that only used shades of white. But all parts of the Mentariata had been designed and decorated only by people who were exceedingly skilled in their field.

The room had white ceiling and white walls. The floor was white as well. The decorations hiding the light sources on the walls were white too. Empty student seats, facing forward, were arranged in perfect rows starting at the wall on both sides of the student entrance. Their color was beige-white.

In the first four paragraphs you mention the color white eight times. Believe me, the reader gets it in the first paragraph. This can be cut down into two relatively short paragraphs that will flow more easily and move your reader more quickly into the story.

Upon entering the room from the students entrance Majgen made sure to notice the chairs. During the past years she had learned that thinking of unimportant details when being summoned by teachers was usually very wise.

'Seven chairs on my right,' she was thinking while the door closed automatically behind her, 'seven chairs on my left'.

She stood still there, right inside the door. Proper etiquette for a low ranking student.

'Fourteen chairs total, in this row'.

This is intriguing but still not strong--"usually very wise" lacks emotional definition, something to which the reader can relate. What if she was thinking desperately instead of just thinking?

The rows of student seats filled the first half of the room apart from an empty aisle leading through the student seating area. The aisle started at the door and was marked only by the absence of chairs.

This properly belongs in your opening two paragraphs. Hook your reader first, orient your reader (unless you can make being deliberately mysterious intriguing), and then get on with your story with reasonable dispatch.

An editor will help, a proofreader will help, and experience will help.

Obviously, this is just my opinion; others may disagree and will, I hope, offer additional ideas.

Keep writing, and good luck!

 

[ellynei]

Thanks so much GnomeDePlume.

Your explanations of the problems with lack of hook and the excessive its WHITE-description was really to the point and well-clarified. Thanks for helping me see this.

White here, white there, everywhere white white - it does need a fix and I do hope I can manage to turn it into two easily flowing paragraphs

In fact everything you wrote above was very helpful, and to the point. I think/hope I will be able to put your advice to good use. (I sure intend to try!)

It's hard to argue with the red H's on all four chapters; you must be doing something right for your readers!

Well something right for one dozen readers at least, and I'm guessing something so terribly wrong for the rest that they don't bother to read to end and vote

An editor will help, a proofreader will help, and experience will help.

I do hope I can get an editor, proofreader would be wonderful too. (Experience: working on it.)


Anyone wanna be my editor? Maybe even just a little bit?

 

[ellynei]

Got an editor


(thread closed or how to say it)

 

[Guest]

Got an editor


(thread closed or how to say it)

This is when the thread generally takes off an another tangent.

Usually flirting and sex.

(Good job on your stories and yay to finding an editor to help polish your fine work!)

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

This is when the thread generally takes off an another tangent.

Usually flirting and sex.

<flutters eyelashes> Hullo sailor!

 

[emap]

Snoopy gosh darn it, you promised no more sleeping around on me, you old slut.