Newbie here and thinking more about lifestyle than expected

[JoJoAz]

Hi - I am more middle aged than I care to think about (46 - of course that's if I'm living to 92 . . . ), but have the mind set of still being in my late 20s - early 30s. I've never married, and was raised Catholic. . . . okay enough said about guilt! I am now in a relationship with a lovely man (53) who has partook in the "lifestyle". He has brought this to me - and I'm intrigued, interested and willing! (He's a happy camper!) He prefers the sub aspect - wanting me to take the dom role. I'm not opposed to this but I'm perplexed as to how to get started. (I suggested he do the dom and let me learn - also not a problem - but I'd like to rock his world as he wants!) He has shown me his toys (me likey!) but I've never whipped, handcuffed, tied or plugged another person (I'm now very unhappy with my previous sex life!!!)! We've talked and he says that anything I do will be fine. I've read some of your stories - very good by the way -but I would not like to fail on my first adventure! So here's what I'm asking - any suggestions for a first timer? Anything a home run? Anything a disaster? Any comments/stories would be appreciated!

Thanks

Me

 

[MasterPhoenix]

My best nugget for advice: This lifestyle is a journey not a sprint. Enjoy the path you take, for there is no true destination.

Take it a bit at a time and learn how to properly handle the impliments or you can cause damage.

Start simple and work into the more intense type play

 

[JoJoAz]

thanks

Yeah the things he requests - plugs/whip - I'm afraid I might injure. I've always been "taught" mens body can react badly to hurt (as can women) but now . . . hmmm? I have done the spanking but a whip? He finds glee in my fear of hurting him. He's tied me up (but restrains vs. the nice silk scarfs I have done in the past) and I didn't think I would like it . . . my reaction was way different than expected!

 

[CutieMouse]

Here's a link to a good intro website for female domination.

www.greenerypress.com has some good starter books - Lady Green wrote a great (slim/easy read) book, but I can't remember the exact title; the subtitle is "A Workbook for Nervous Beginners".

I don't know that there is any one surefire great first time thing to do, as it will so depend on what he wants. Have y'all discussed checklists to figure out basic likes/dislikes?

 

[CutieMouse]

Yeah the things he requests - plugs/whip - I'm afraid I might injure. I've always been "taught" mens body can react badly to hurt (as can women) but now . . . hmmm? I have done the spanking but a whip? He finds glee in my fear of hurting him. He's tied me up (but restrains vs. the nice silk scarfs I have done in the past) and I didn't think I would like it . . . my reaction was way different than expected!

Here's a link to the BDSM Library thread about Anal Play.

Flogging and such is all well and good, but you need to practice to know you'll consistantly hit your intended target, before you really get down to smacking the man around. LOL

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I have used several floggers on my girl, and most she liked and a few she did not... *Shrugz*

Different types of toys have different effects... and I make no claim to expertise on all of them... I know that in general the more falls a flogger has the thuddier the sensation... The fewer falls the stingier... also the materals used to make the toy have an effect on the outcome...

There is no magic bullet to learn how to do it, its about practice practice and more practice...

I would say the plugs that if he has been plugged before, it should not be overly harmful as he knows what to expect, and just don't force it in too far...

best of luck

 

[JoJoAz]

thanks

I read your response the other night to someone with relatively the same question - wherein you mentioned the books. Truly my first reaction - "THERE ARE BOOKS!!?" He (the man in all this) referred me to like domfem or man pain or something like that - I went - scared me! (He sent me here too! I told him I'm doing homework. He said he's prepping the mid term!) I don't think I could be as severe to someone I care about as those site portray (they look like posers or actors or whatever!) I don't want to injure something I really want in the light of day! I have to agree with what I have been reading for the last 2 weeks off of these pages - we all have this in us - and it's all about trust/respect and common interest. As are many of those who are here - I'm in a employment position that is valued and not where I can say - so . . . what do you all think I can do? So I do appreciate your imput! Thanks

 

[JoJoAz]

thanks

Yeah, the plugs - he's got all sizes. I'm more concerned about placing them. He's telling me not to worry! Reading here (on the stories and questions) made me really understand that this is an enjoyment. You guys were a blessing (he says!!!)

Hitting - scares me - but I'll try it. Geez, am I really gonna say this - the guy is worth it! (I'm interested at this stage of being spanked - not whipped. He's not asking. He is a man who will walk me thru alot. He had someone previously that wanted rough and tumble! He's not pushing!)

 

[CutieMouse]

There are lots and lots of people who do BDSM that never go anywhere near the horney net geek fantasy website stuff, and there are lots and lots of people who do BDSM who *do* do a lot of the stuff portrayed on those websites. IMO, sending a total BDSM virgin to a hardcore site is in bad form.

Decide what you feel comfortable with. Yes you want to make it pleasureable for him, but don't compromise your comfort levels - especially in the beginning.

 

[CutieMouse]

Plugs are no big deal. Go slow, and use lots of lube. You might consider using one on yourself to get a feel for what it's like.

 

[JoJoAz]

thanks

Again, this site (and as HE has said - this site allowing my release to venture out of what I never knew!), had encouraged me to order the SMALL remote butt pleaser from on line before he . . . dares . . . to come near me. (As you suspected - first time in my 20s didn't go well - wherein someone "invaded" my space! I spoke with that man recently (the then boyfriend) and he realized (since we're talking 23 yrs earlier) he might have scared me for life! Saying that he just went there - no readiness - no lube and no sweet talk! I'm willing to go there with someone now who has chatted with me tenderly about going where "no man has - sorta - gone before!" Makes a world of difference!

 

[Netzach]

Read the good girls' guide.

I swear, that is a fantastic FANTASTIC bit of writing for anyone in your position, who is overwhelmed for the reasons you're overwhelmed.

Do nothing, take a deep breath, envision your lover doing what you'd like, just 'cause you'd like it. Simple as that. Nothing forceful or kinky if that's not your thing. Brushing your hair. Rolling down your stockings. Licking you wherever you point your fingertip on your body. Doing nothing he's NOT told and doing everything he is.

Pretty hot, huh? Perfect starting point.

 

[JoJoAz]

Thanks

there's a guide? And yes, you had me blushiing. How the hell is that possible at this age?? I'm okay with initiatiion (rather they do - but that's from a point of feeling secure!) and I'm very okay with expressing desire. I guess I fell off the boat somewhere about the "standard" things and am now am on a learning curve. I'm trying not to be too shy about something that isn't in my "norm"!

 

[CutieMouse]

there's a guide? And yes, you had me blushiing. How the hell is that possible at this age?? I'm okay with initiatiion (rather they do - but that's from a point of feeling secure!) and I'm very okay with expressing desire. I guess I fell off the boat somewhere about the "standard" things and am now am on a learning curve. I'm trying not to be too shy about something that isn't in my "norm"!

The link I gave you in my first response was to the website for The Good Girl's Guide to Female Domination.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You can overthink these things, sometimes it is better to just put your common sense in place at the forefront and go for it...it worked for me and even though I delivered hard pain play including flogging, no-one was harmed, but a lot of fun and joy was had. You have from what you say already done a lot of reading which is good, but reading and/or watching what other people do can only go so far....at some point you have to step up and do it youself before you knwo what works, what feels good and bad, and how you can improve your skills. Use visual and verbal cues as to how it is going, and forget about being the blushing, 'oh dear' stereotype and you will be a long way to success. Your imagination can be your greatest friend if you want to make it more than a step 1, step 2, step 3 type experience.

Catalina

 

[neonflux]

I agree with Netzach here on remembering that it is all about your desire. CutieMouse, have never seen that site before, but I loved it - think it should be "must" reading not only for newbie Dommes but for male subs who are interested in getting female partners interested.

It is about your desire - what do you want to start out with? What speaks to you that is also in your comfort zone? Start there. (BTW, do you get off on the idea of teasing - just keeping it a little out of reach? That can be very hot!)

In the meantime, if flogging, spanking, etc. intrigue you, give yourself the time to read up on how to do those things safely and to develop the skills. Having your partner try some of those things on you? I actually think that's an excellent idea, as knowing what it feels like from the other end will make you a better dominant.

Some other suggestions - do you have classes in your area? EG, who I am sure will be here sooner or later has lots of places to find links to local groups. Also good starting points in terms of toys/techniques/safety and perhaps some ideas - "The New Topping Book" available at the second link that CM posted. Another one not on that site that I like particularly in terms of the psychological, communication and safety aspects - "Consensual Sadomasochism." It is on the list of "first reads" recommended by a woman I consider a mentor. In retrospect, it's proved invaluable to me. It's available through Deadalus Press:

http://www.daedaluspublishing.com/consensualsadomasochism.htm

Have fun on your journey!

Neon

 

[JoJoAz]

thank you for advice and leads

I wanted to thank you for your help and advice. I have gone to the links suggested - very interesting, helpful and reassuring! Glad to know my questions weren't too naive and am glad for the insight.

Spoke with bf re putting out the inquiry. He was quite amused! But he was reassured that all that was said to me by you all confirmed what he has been saying. I already trust him. I will accept that I don't have to be perfect right off - practice, practice, practice! And that anything that is not comfortable - don't have to do. I will learn my way. Thank you again!