new to this, 35 WF, husband impotent, going crazy!

[kittydoll]

Okay, this is my first post, I guess I have been looking for an outlet for my daily growing sexual frustration and the intense sexual obcession it is causing. I am 35 years old and married to a man who is over 20 years my senior. In our early days of marriage this did not seem to matter, in fact it worked out well-he was an experienced lover and he has always been a great financial provider-even though I am college-degreed I was able to retire a few years ago due to our good investments and he was already retirement age! About two years ago he started having problems getting erect and that was about the time he started pushing me away. Now it has been over a year since I have been touched by a man and am just about going nuts! I feel like I have just entered my sexual peak and he is just fine, at his age, with just having a friendship for the rest of our marriage! I do not believe in infidelity but my temptation to wander grows with each day-I have started watching pono movies when he is not around but what I really want is a younger mans body and all the parts that go with it. I am still in great shape (I was a professional dancer!) and most people think I am 25 not 35-I know men find me attractive and it is all I can do to jump on top of one of them, although if I did this in a public place, it might draw some attention, what do you think? I don't want a divorce although I don't see how it can last like this... he won't get help and doesn't care and says I should just learn to do without, like its no big deal! I need an outlet before I attack someone and get sent to jail!

 

[Eilan]

Welcome to Lit, kittydoll.

I don't know that I have any advice for you at the moment, but I do have a couple of questions.

Is it possible that there's something else going on, like depression?

Other than the erectile dysfunction issues, how is his health?

 

[guitar_player38]

you could try the bored housewives thread there seem to be alot of people there ready to help. me i just get off making her feel good and cum any way i can

good luck

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

So he won't consider getting a potency pill, like Viagra, Cialis, Levitra? And he won't touch you? It sounds like the impotence is connected to something else. Just my two cents, and I wouldn't suggest just going out and cheating on him, but I would strongly advise to find out if there is some hang-up, if you can. Give him a chance before you go out and leave him or fool around. If he absolutely refuses, then you have a double whammy: both your physical and emotional needs (which I, perhaps in the minority here, consider to be equally important) are being neglected. I still prefer no cheating, but if you can't be just roommates for life then I hate to say it, but divorce may be the only option left.

And, for the record, I'd give the same basic advice to a man. Try again. And a couple more times. And then call it quits. That's my first choice, much preferable to infidelity. I am assuming that an open relationship isn't an option that you would take, either of you.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

And Eilan raised another issue: health. Particularly cardiovascular health.

Trying everything is my first choice. Don't give up and just put up with a relationship that doesn't fulfill you. After that is divorce. An affair is the least advisable option.

If he'd agree to you taking a lover, of course, that would be cool. But I somehow doubt that either of you are into that. Just as I would advise it for him if the situation were reversed (frigidity), but I would doubt that either of you could stomach that. So it's a hypothetical choice that is non-applicable.

 

[FaeryFire]

Hi Kittydoll.
I was in the same boat for a long time, the only difference is I got to the point I didn't want him to touch me, because i knew I wasn't going to get what I really needed anyway.

As everyone else has said, look into his health, and mental health.

Have one of those big heart to hearts with him. Remind him of your age, and what his needs would have been when he was your age. Remind him that you love him very much and that you understand he wont always be able to become errect, but you would like to be intimate with him anyway.
Be careful of the way you speak, for example, say "I feel such and such" rather than "you make me feel..." this way he wont feel like you are attacking him.

ED is a real sore spot for guys, it destroys part of them on a primal level, so you're best off to move things slowly even though all you want to do is scream at them

The next big step, which will be hard on you, is stop asking for sex. Don't mention it. Take the pressure right off him. Begin by giving him back rubs or washing him in the shower. Small kind things that are hands on. Ask him to do the same for you, so you can re-build the physical part of your marrage.

Once you get back to being more intimate, don't push the sex issue. Assumeing he is physically healthy, outercourse isn't a bad second choice.
Show him that you can still enjoy each others bodies even when he isn't up to sex.

It is very hard not to stray outside the marrage, and you should congradulate yourself for your staying power. By talking about it you've taken a big step too. You need friends who can support you through this.

Best wishes,
~Fae

 

[TBKahuna123]

First off tell you to deal with it and learn to do without is extremely insensitive! It could just be his defense mechanism, because us guys take ED really really hard, but still that's not the right approach to take. He needs to recognize that his problem doesn't just affect him, but you too. There are dozens of things that could cause ED and dozens of treatments, but the key is getting to the root cause of the problem. Is it health, mental, etc., that is what needs to be determined first.

Before you can even go there though, you need to recognize as a couple that this is a problem that affects you both. You have to get over the shame and guilt this causes, only then will he be able to seek treatment without embarassment. My suggestion is to start out by talking. Tell him how you feel about him, how you love him, and then tell him how the lack of sex is hurting you. This can be delicate because this strikes right at the core of a man's ego, but he has to know how this is hurting you. Seeing a therapist together is a great way to deal with it too, because you aren't the first couple to go through this. This may help you get to the core problem.

I'm encouraged by your aversion to infidelity, that says something about you and how you view your relationship. That said, a woman in her sexual peak can not live by the vibrator alone. It sounds to me like you aren't missing the orgasm, you're missing the intimacy. That's something you can have with you husband even if all his parts aren't working perfectly. I had a friend who had some ED trouble for a few months after having surgery less than a year into his marriage. He continued to please her orally, using a vibrator, things like that, continuing to give her pleasure and keeping the intimacy in their relationship. In the end it brought them closer together, helped her through that dry period and helped him combat the shame he felt at his inability to perform.

These things compound themselves, but at some point he's got to break the cycle. It's obvious that you aren't happy and just waiting and trying to live with it isn't working. I hate divorce, I believe any problem can be worked out, but both partners have to be willing to work it out. If he won't even try, then there's not much hope there, as sad as it is. You have to make that first move though and start the conversation. Just make sure you don't accuse him or make him defensive. As a guy I can tell you, this is a problem that is hard for us to deal with, and it gets worse every time something reminds you of your problem. I'm not making excuses, just sharing an insight. Whatever it is, I think he should be more caring of your needs than it sounds like he has been.

Good luck to you dear.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Hi Kittydoll.
I was in the same boat for a long time, the only difference is I got to the point I didn't want him to touch me, because i knew I wasn't going to get what I really needed anyway.

As everyone else has said, look into his health, and mental health.

Have one of those big heart to hearts with him. Remind him of your age, and what his needs would have been when he was your age. Remind him that you love him very much and that you understand he wont always be able to become errect, but you would like to be intimate with him anyway.
Be careful of the way you speak, for example, say "I feel such and such" rather than "you make me feel..." this way he wont feel like you are attacking him.

ED is a real sore spot for guys, it destroys part of them on a primal level, so you're best off to move things slowly even though all you want to do is scream at them

The next big step, which will be hard on you, is stop asking for sex. Don't mention it. Take the pressure right off him. Begin by giving him back rubs or washing him in the shower. Small kind things that are hands on. Ask him to do the same for you, so you can re-build the physical part of your marrage.

Once you get back to being more intimate, don't push the sex issue. Assumeing he is physically healthy, outercourse isn't a bad second choice.
Show him that you can still enjoy each others bodies even when he isn't up to sex.

It is very hard not to stray outside the marrage, and you should congradulate yourself for your staying power. By talking about it you've taken a big step too. You need friends who can support you through this.

Best wishes,
~Fae

Great post, very well said! The only part I disagree with is this: "Have one of those big heart to hearts with him. Remind him of your age, and what his needs would have been when he was your age. Remind him that you love him very much and that you understand he wont always be able to become errect, but you would like to be intimate with him anyway.
Be careful of the way you speak, for example, say "I feel such and such" rather than "you make me feel..." this way he wont feel like you are attacking him."

That might be part of the problem and reminding him of that may make the issue worse. If he's having ED troubles, believe me, he's feeling the age difference acutely.

 

[FaeryFire]

TB, you're probably right. I only suggested it because it worked for me, but then my partner is very used to my in-your-face way of letting him know these things. (He's 25 years older than me)

Thanks for pointing that out.

 

[LukkyKnight]

...it is all I can do to jump on top of one of them, although if I did this in a public place, it might draw some attention, what do you think?

Well, I presume you meant "not to jump" on top of one, and I agree that would draw some attention. It's attention you want, right?

Welcome to lit. We've got more questions than answers and more opinions than the American Bar Association, but perhaps you'll find something in the discourse which helps focus your thinking, or inspires you to look at your situation from a new angle.

However, I'm not sure the moderator will consider this a How-To thread (and there's no Hot To forum) so perhaps you'd better dive in somewhere else, such as the General Board.

 

[Straight-8]

Try a little infidelity!

1) you should have seen a strong risk of something like this when you married a guy 20 yrs older.
2) At 55 he still should have the ability to have a very active sex life. I agree with the posters who suggest checking out the mental and physical health issues (if he will - I doubt it though).
3)You have needs. He can physically fulfill them if he wants to but not in the way he wants; that is he could be physically intimate regardless of his ED. He is being selfish. Yeah I agree that you should talk first to try and work it out but it sounds like you've tried and he won't.

So you've got three choices:
1) Live with it and try and deny your needs. Sounds bad to me.
2) Divorce him and suffer the moral reprobation of dumping your loyal, caring etc. H because of your sexual appetites.
3) Cheat on him and, if caught, suffer the moral reprobation of giving in to your sexual appetites.
Now if you can get him to sanction cheating, that will assuage your conscience to some degree; but given that he's too selfish to try and satisfy you now I doubt he'd be into that.
You're really in a no win situation but I think it's a hands down for 'DOOR #3' as the lesser of the various evils. Many people have numerous satisfying affairs. If he gets wind of it he may not even care, on the other hand, you could end up with option #2 whether you want to or not.

 

[rcuhljr]

So you've got three choices:

And somehow communication didn't make it into any of those three. great advice there.

 

[Straight-8]

And somehow communication didn't make it into any of those three. great advice there.

Read it again. I said: "Yeah I agree, that you should talk first and try to work it out but it sounds like youve tried and he won't". So communication came before the three options.

The conventional morality squad seems particularly vocal these days! I think people should take a minute to read some of the stories posted here to see the basis of the board. Another post congratulates the posters on what a bunch of open minded liberals there are on this board. Not from what I've seen!

 

[rcuhljr]

"sounds like you've tried and he won't." Then I'll leave it up to a difference of opinion, but it looks like she's just started to try and tackle this problem, and you are already suggesting she failed and to go ahead and cheat. I could care less about morality, it's just about respect for myself and other people. Anyone I cared enough about to marry I'd try to respect them enough to at least try working through it, that failing I'd leave them. It just cheapens myself and my future relationship to cheat on them.

I'm about as socialy liberal as they come, I believe in gay rights, open marriages, and legalized drugs. I don't believe in treating other people like shit just because heaven forbid.. they aren't perfect, and they have a problem. I owe them the same effort and respect I'd like to receive if it was me.

You can try to claim you just a morally free liberal to make yourself feel better, but I'd prefer you didn't because you are giving the rest of us a bad name.

 

[vanelane]

Ok, here's a topic where I have some experience that may be worthwhile. My first husband was 19 years older than I am. Early in the marriage, it did not matter sexually, but by the time I was your age we had the same issues, compounded by other health problems. We learned that we could both have orgasms even when he wasn't fully erect, though we didn't have sex as often because he always wanted to try intercourse and was frequently disappointed. Cock rings helped sometimes. Experimenting and being willing to try on both sides helped a lot. Then Viagra came along and things improved tremendously. We had daughter when I was 37 (in my mind I call her my Viagra baby) and he had three years with her before he died. Communication is the key. We can't tell you how to approach your husband or what to say to him, we don't know him. What I can tell you is impotence doesn't have to be the end of your sex life if you're both willing to explore.

 

[TBKahuna123]

However, I'm not sure the moderator will consider this a How-To thread (and there's no Hot To forum) so perhaps you'd better dive in somewhere else, such as the General Board.

I disagree, she's obviously asking how to deal with this problem, and this si the perfect section for her. I'd also counsel her to stay away from teh General Board with this issue. All she's likely to get there is a dump him and come fuck me reply.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Kahuna, no one likes divorce. That includes me. However, if potency pills, heart-to-heart talks, counseling, and cunnilingus (great idea, if you can't get the pills to work, by the way) don't work, then there aren't many options. If there are irreconcilable differences about both partners getting their needs met, then perhaps they need to find other people.

It sounds like she does need to exhaust more options, of course. It's all too easy, however, to counsel people to settle for satisfaction of only emotional needs instead of both emotional and physical needs- until you are in that situation. I maintain that the physical needs are just as important as the emotional ones, no more, no less.

It's not what I call "malicious denial", however. If it was, I'd have no compunctions against infidelity for karmic reasons. Malicious denial is a slap in the face to your partner, made worse if they have sacrificed the freedom to fuck whom they wish. But it doesn't sound like malicious denial, so I counsel against infidelity. Infidelity is only justified on a karmic basis, IMO.

Remember, however, this wise saying, "Sex is like air. It's no big deal, until you don't have it."

 

[TBKahuna123]

The conventional morality squad seems particularly vocal these days! I think people should take a minute to read some of the stories posted here to see the basis of the board. Another post congratulates the posters on what a bunch of open minded liberals there are on this board. Not from what I've seen!

Since when was agreeing with infidelity a symbol of being openminded? That's just stupid. I'm sorry but in my opinion there's no justification for infidelity. If you are married you have made a promise, an oath to be faithful. Unless you and your partner have agreed to open up your marriage then you are breaking thair trust and your vows. There's no justification for that, period.

If you reach that point where infidelity is your only option, then it's time to leave that relationship. That's being honest with your partner and staying true to your vow, not breaking that trust by sneaking around behind their back. There's a lot more to a marriage than just the sex life, no matter how important a component it is.

People who don't respect the commitment that a marriage requires really piss me off. It's also obvious to me that kittydoll respects that commitment and her marriage, and I think to counsel her to break that vow is disrespectful. This is one of the few areas where I am totally inflexible in my views. If that makes me a conservative, well so be it. Being open-minded however, does not mean lacking of all convictions.

 

[silverwhisper]

straight 8, are you married?

ed

 

[TBKahuna123]

Kahuna, no one likes divorce. That includes me. However, if potency pills, heart-to-heart talks, counseling, and cunnilingus (great idea, if you can't get the pills to work, by the way) don't work, then there aren't many options. If there are irreconcilable differences about both partners getting their needs met, then perhaps they need to find other people.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that divorce is never an option. If a couple has really tried to work out their differences and it's just not gonna happen, then they should go their seperate ways. My aversion is to the marriage/divorce of fashion as I call it, the people who never really take their vows seriously and bail at the first sign of trouble. I just thing marriage should be taken very seriously.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that divorce is never an option. If a couple has really tried to work out their differences and it's just not gonna happen, then they should go their seperate ways. My aversion is to the marriage/divorce of fashion as I call it, the people who never really take their vows seriously and bail at the first sign of trouble. I just thing marriage should be taken very seriously.

Taken seriously, yes. My gf was married for 5 awful years before she threw in the towel. I think that she waited a year or so too long myself. But that was her choice. No one can claim, reasonably, that she didn't make an all-out effort to preserve her marriage. But after 5 years of verbal and occasionally physical abuse, suspicion of infidelity (totally inexcusable, given how much she was willing to accomodate him, in fact, he deprived her instead of the other way around, but that's another story), and his complete lack of empathy about what happened to her (callousness, even), she got tired of it all and left him. He was also slowly killing himself with morbid obesity, which didn't help. Ironically, since she left, he has begun improving himself. Odd, isn't that?

I also think that a long-term relationship should be taken as seriously as marriage, but maybe I am in the minority. A lack of paperwork shouldn't mean a lack of seriousness. Counseling is always best as a first step in rectifying any relationship.

 

[vanelane]

People who don't respect the commitment that a marriage requires really piss me off. It's also obvious to me that kittydoll respects that commitment and her marriage, and I think to counsel her to break that vow is disrespectful. This is one of the few areas where I am totally inflexible in my views. If that makes me a conservative, well so be it. Being open-minded however, does not mean lacking of all convictions.

See, this is one of the reasons I like you, Kahuna! I feel the same way. My parents divorced when I was in elementary school. Both of my sisters and I waited late to marry and committed for life. All of us faced situations that would have led some to divorce. All three of us stuck it out and worked it through and the marriages came out stronger in the end.

 

[silverwhisper]

sev: i believe that the divorce probably served as a wake-up call.

ed

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Ok, here's a topic where I have some experience that may be worthwhile. My first husband was 19 years older than I am. Early in the marriage, it did not matter sexually, but by the time I was your age we had the same issues, compounded by other health problems. We learned that we could both have orgasms even when he wasn't fully erect, though we didn't have sex as often because he always wanted to try intercourse and was frequently disappointed. Cock rings helped sometimes. Experimenting and being willing to try on both sides helped a lot. Then Viagra came along and things improved tremendously. We had daughter when I was 37 (in my mind I call her my Viagra baby) and he had three years with her before he died. Communication is the key. We can't tell you how to approach your husband or what to say to him, we don't know him. What I can tell you is impotence doesn't have to be the end of your sex life if you're both willing to explore.

Some VERY sensible advice, overall. I agree 100%. It helps that you are speaking from experience, so perhaps that will be reassuring to her. It's much easier to believe someone if they have been in your shoes.

By the way, my belated condolences on the passing of your husband.

And straight 8, whatever differences I might have with Kahuna on one or two issues, I generally agree with him here. She is NOT justified at simply jumping a guy's bones and sneaking around in this situation (Kahuna would say in any situation, which I can respect as one of his major ethical principles).

And simply disapproving of infidelity (which is distinguished from swinging by the dishonesty factor) does NOT make one narrow-minded or prudish. I am about as liberal a man as you can find on sexual mores, but even I differ with you here. I don't think that these are narrow-minded, sanctimonious types. This is LIT, after all. It's an erotica/smut site. People are only going to be so conservative on sexual issues, or else they wouldn't be here. They just have firm moral principles based on the principle of honesty, which I strongly respect (and agree with, save for one or two exceptions). There's no need to label anyone here.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

sev: i believe that the divorce probably served as a wake-up call.

ed

I'm sure that you're correct.