New to the Dom/sub scene

[amasterfound]

I am new to the Dom/sub scene. All of my life I have tended to be the one in charge. Until my last relationship I have not wanted the man to be in charge or at least in charge of my actions or tell me what to do. all of those relationships have failed, and I started to seek something else I found the idea of being a sub or slave very exciting and wated to try it. I found the right man to be my Master. My problem is that I worry that I am not being submissive enough sometimes. I really want to be a good submissive but how do I turn full control over to him? how can I get past my fright of allowing someone else to tule my life? I really want this but again I am scared. If anyone has any suggestion please share them with me.

 

[Etoile]

Welcome to the boards! I'm about to turn in for the night but hopefully somebody else will have a link or two for you to read up on by morning. If not I'll find something if I can.

 

[LadyNatasha]

My pet will tell you that it isn't a matter of choosing to turn the power over. When you might the right "One", you simply will. I realize that's a bit ephemeral and not an answer per se, but it's true IMO.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Don't worry, my sweet slave. If you're being insubordinate, I'll tell you. I love you, AMF. I think in time you'll gain more trust in me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think for most of us it is a matter of peeling back layers until we reach a point where giving up complete control seems possible and right, and then as more time passes you realise it does take continuous communication and refocusing to be able to maintain and survive it. I know for myself I gave up that control without warning and of my own free will, but it also was given to someone who trusted and cared for me so was not going to exercise that full control without giving thought to the consequences of each situation. That has meant though he has total power and control, he acknowledges the difficulties he knows exist in some areas where pushing through may cause irreparable damage, and he devises ways we can work toward reaching those goals together and in a way which brings joy not heartache. Makes the journey much more meaningful for me than simply being told to obey and expected to shut down any feelings which may make that impossible at a precise moment in time. It still is not easy, but it is better than him ending up with no slave because she is locked away in a mental institution or worse.

Catalina

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

I try to bear her feelings in mind to alleviate her concern. I think time and a gradual building of trust will help. She's made some progress already. However, we've only been together less than a year, so a little more time will further things. I'm trying to gain her trust by my day-to-day behavior too. The more she spends time with me, the more she'll feel safe. I think she mostly does now, but still has some fears based on her past.

 

[amasterfound]

I do have a lot of fears. fears that my exes have put there by the way they treated me. and fears of letting someone else be in control. The women of my family are VERY dominant, and it is hard for me to let go. BUT I am getting better. Though I don't think I could be this way with just anyone. With most people I tend to be in charge. I just want to be more submissive to him, and I don't knbow how to let go.

 

[unusualkiss]

I really want this but again I am scared.

i can completely relate to this. i am in this exact place right now. all i can suggest is follow your heart and listen to your instincts.

feel free to pm me if you would care to chat.

 

[pandoravampire]

I am new to the Dom/sub scene. All of my life I have tended to be the one in charge. Until my last relationship I have not wanted the man to be in charge or at least in charge of my actions or tell me what to do. all of those relationships have failed, and I started to seek something else I found the idea of being a sub or slave very exciting and wated to try it. I found the right man to be my Master. My problem is that I worry that I am not being submissive enough sometimes. I really want to be a good submissive but how do I turn full control over to him? how can I get past my fright of allowing someone else to tule my life? I really want this but again I am scared. If anyone has any suggestion please share them with me.

Hello and welcome amasterfound. So you think you may not be submissive enough. What a laugh i had at reading that. Not at you, but with you.

Im 6 months into living with my Sir, and boy is it hard. Im not submissive in life at all. Im a manager of a team, been a single mother, and one of those people who get described as a really strong woman. I have a heart of gold, bend over backwards to help my friends. Loyalty-no problem, trustworthy-no problem, honest-brutally so, but submissive? er, thats a little tricky actually

We started by having the bdsm thing in the bedroom only. A good starting ground. But then we'd be in the garden and he'd say something like 'come here' flicking the D/s switch on. As we both grew into our roles, the flicking of the D/s switch happened more and more. We now are 24/7. But he wants a submissive, not a door mat. Im allowed my personality, it is this that has him loving me. My submission is not eloquent, often spoilt by my assertive side. But as long as i try, then that is ok. I make mistakes, as does he, and we learn as we go along. Together. If i were perfect, he'd have nothing to teach me would he.

My past relationships prior to bdsm. I would dominate the entire relationships. I had children to raise, i owned my own house, ran a family, ran a home, worked full time. I simply did everything, rather than ask for help from my significant other. Until i got to the stage, where i resented the lack of support. Some of that was due to my ex being the laziest git on the planet and a prick. Some of that was due to my dominating streak. Whatever, i decided that my next LTR was going to be me submitting so i couldnt take over again, if you know what i mean. That is why i have agreed to a D/s relationship. But is was going to take someone pretty special to take me on. I found him. He's great. Im in love and im happy.

What i am not- is very good at this milarky. I really really try. and sometimes i even get it right lol. But its hard to think in a submissive way and give control to another. Firstly, i had to learn to trust him. This is encouraged by seeing how well he does at any given situation. Opening up to him, and talking with him about what i have difficulty in. We work things out between us by communicating.

At times, i cant see why he's getting me doing certain things. That is when i am on the back foot and less submissive. But time and experience with him, has shown me that even when i cant see the point of what he's doing, he has a point and its usually my best interests.

My best friend has recently discovered drugs in a big way. These have changed her from a loving considerate friend, to a paranoid, suspiscious, misinterpreting mess that is causing me so much hurt. I have tried to stay beside her, and support her, but at a tremendous cost to myself. It was time to back off, and allow her to go along her own path, and not take me down in the process. Yet i couldnt let her ruin her life. It was hard.
He has banned me from trying to 'rescue' her. Ive never been 'banned' from anything since i was a child. I wriggled to try and get around this banning, but he was steadfast, that this relationship with my friend has gone beyond the acceptable levels of behavioiur that friends should show each other. I am simply banned from responding to 2am poison sms messages, as she's lost in another drug binge. I am banned from contacting her.
It was the 'permission' i needed to let go. He acted in my best interests when i wasnt. It is these, and many many examples of similar, where i see he really will guide me, take care of me, have my best interests at heart. That is why i trust him. It takes time, and im sure you will learn to trust sufficiently to submit willingly, as i do now.

Trust isnt something that occurs overnight. Bdsm is the same as any other relationship. You get out what you put in, and time and experience love and respect grow, as you relationship does.
I have learnt from my experience, that when submission is the most difficult, if i just let go and submit, it is THOSE instances, when my submission is at its deepest. IT is then when im being pushed the greatest that i gain the gratest rewards.

And then theres all the fun side of things too which of course is a marvelous incentive. Like, so all i have to do is everything you say, and in return, you will show me pleasure i only dreamed of? Yep, count me in!

Good luck in your relationship. It gets easier and better as time progresses.
Id say that id wished id done this years ago. But its taken me this long to be in a space, where i can seek and find what i need in another, rather than what i think i want.

take care
pandora

 

[amasterfound]

Thanks Pandora,

Sorry it took me so long to see this. I am still struggling to be more submissive. I am also a switch so I know that is a part of the problem. Most of the time I do fine then there are the times that I resent the fact that I have to do what I am told. That is when I know that the dominate side in me comes out. I also get very testy sometimes. Still trying to figure out how to cope with it all. Is any onme else a switch and in a 24/7 D/s relationship and is a sub? how do you cope with both sides?