New to it all

[llmjj83]

Ok... here's the deal. I am a 30 yr old woman who has had a rather 'boring' sex life. I have found the love of my life, and am very embarrassed by many things that others find normal. The thing is, he's very..... shall we say.... liberal as far as sex goes. (At least as far as I can see) And I still can't find the words to show him my interest in light-to-moderate bdsm and/or exhibitionism. I haven't really had any experience in the areas, but it is in my fantasies to try. (and him being a 'swinger' in the past, i know that he has most likely experienced at least a little of this) And still to be quite frank, i'm not only quite scared to expose my secret desires to him, but also quite embarrassed. Any idea's here?

 

[llmjj83]

i forgot to mention that he is a very, extremely, loving and caring type....... which is a wonderful thing. BUT that is one thing that makes me nervous about bringing this up.

 

[toguefun46]

If he IS loving and caring, he should love to help you explore any of your fantisies and desires. You can show interest in something subtly , or a movie scene,book passage etc. He will not think it odd or less of you. He will apprechiate an opportunity to satisfy his lover.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

In the long run, it will boil down to one of my favorite mantras for questions here in the BDSM Talk forum: Communicate.

HOW you do that is, of course, entirely up to you, but you need to find a way to do it, before you break your heart - or his - or both.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

In the long run, it will boil down to one of my favorite mantras for questions here in the BDSM Talk forum: Communicate.

HOW you do that is, of course, entirely up to you, but you need to find a way to do it, before you break your heart - or his - or both.

This.

Yes, it is a risk, but it is simply better to know the truth of the situation sooner than later because it is the same truth either way. The bonus is that once you know the truth, you get to decide what to do with it. Way better to spend your deciding energy there instead of deciding how to ask/talk/say what you want, because ultimately you are going to do it anyways...right?

No this isn't easy stuff, but I lean on the thought "begin as you mean to continue" often and I think that maybe it applies here. If you are absolutely going to do it "someday" then why not today?

Warmest wishes to you both.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Ok... here's the deal. I am a 30 yr old woman who has had a rather 'boring' sex life. I have found the love of my life, and am very embarrassed by many things that others find normal. The thing is, he's very..... shall we say.... liberal as far as sex goes. (At least as far as I can see) And I still can't find the words to show him my interest in light-to-moderate bdsm and/or exhibitionism. I haven't really had any experience in the areas, but it is in my fantasies to try. (and him being a 'swinger' in the past, i know that he has most likely experienced at least a little of this) And still to be quite frank, i'm not only quite scared to expose my secret desires to him, but also quite embarrassed. Any idea's here?

Ahh, I meant to respond to this, too, earlier. Damn this (not-so)early-onset Alzheimer's!

Your "secret desires?"
"Scared?"
"Embarrassed?" (And thank you for spelling it correctly!)

Eliminate from *your* mind the word "secret" in that phrase. That alone will start you on the road to not being (as) scared or embarrassed.

Why are you embarrassed to begin with? Your desires are natural, even though the Moral Majority types will deny that. Light to moderate BDSM and/or exhibition - as you put it, BDSM Light™ - are practiced by a *lot* of people. Many of them won't admit it, because they're - oh! - scared and embarrassed, or afraid that other people will think they're freaks when their desires, like yours, are a *natural* part of the human psyche.

Scared? Scared to "expose" your sexual desires to someone who is sexually liberal, and who has been a swinger in the past? Egad! When you tell him, his eyes will probably light up like an over-powered pinball machine (remember those?), and his pants will suddenly tent up like a Boy Scout Jamboree! Scared? What's going to happen if you tell him, and some strange damned how he disapproves? He's going to spank you?

Darlin', it all goes back to two things: compatibility, of which it seems you already have at least a fair degree; and communication.

Find a way to tell him, even if indirectly, where your interests lie. For example, if you accidentally overcook the roast just a wee bit, put it on the table and tell him, "I'm sorry. I cooked the roast a little bit too long, and it's a tiny bit dry. Do you want to punish me?" (This last with a sparkle in your eye.) Then turn around right next to him, bend over, and lift your skirt or drop your britches. His response will tell you a *whole lot* about his inclinations in this regard...

Good luck to you. Let us know how things go for you, and feel free to ask questions any time about damn near anything. There are some very bright, very experienced, and very helpful people in this forum, who almost never make fun of any literate person who has honest questions and listens to responses. (Note: I didn't say "follows the suggestions in the responses;" I said, "listens to" them. Considers them. Adapts them to his/her own circumstances, or drops them because they won't *fit* those circumstances.)

 

[Madraykin]

Some good suggestions on here already, and I'll agree that you've come to the right place for advice. The Lit community, particularly the people who frequent the BDSM forums, is pretty awesome.

Personally I don't get embarrassed talking about sex in a general sense, but I do have a hard time asking for the things I want (past rejection, being called a 'freak' etc. has made me a lot more inhibited about such things, even now that I'm with someone far kinkier than myself). Also, knowing how to be coy and flirtatious is something that escapes me and always has.

Anyway, instead of coming out and being like, "I want to do BDSM!" or "spank me, baby!" or what have you, you could try asking for some specific thing you're interested in. You could try wording it something like this: "So I saw these pictures online of Japanese ropework, and some of them were really beautiful. I wonder how that would feel?" If he is more experienced than you, and is aware of your inhibitions in talking about sex, he may well take the lead in starting a conversation where you'll be able to open up about your desires.

You could also ask about things he might want to try with you, or things he's done in the past, and that would give you an opportunity to agree to something he wants that you might like too.

 

[llmjj83]

Thanks guys. That really is helpful. I know that I should feel more open to expressing my desires to him considering he is much more experienced than I am. And no, I don't think he will make fun of me or laugh at me. It's just the feeling of truly 'exposing' myself that makes me a little uncomfortable. (to say the least) BUT, I suppose it's time to put my 'big girl' panties on (or take them off, as the case may be... LOL) and find a way to say what i'm thinking. I really appreciate your answers and am very grateful to have found this site.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks guys. That really is helpful. I know that I should feel more open to expressing my desires to him considering he is much more experienced than I am. And no, I don't think he will make fun of me or laugh at me. It's just the feeling of truly 'exposing' myself that makes me a little uncomfortable. (to say the least) BUT, I suppose it's time to put my 'big girl' panties on (or take them off, as the case may be... LOL) and find a way to say what i'm thinking. I really appreciate your answers and am very grateful to have found this site.

I've written about this before, the way some women keep themselves secret. Our selves belong to ourselves and we don't share. I used to do the same thing-- in fact, I still do it a lot, and in circumstances where being open would get me exactly what I wanted.
I keep telling myself that sharing one's id, like sharing love, makes MORE, not less. It's so deeply ingrained, and difficult to overcome.

 

[knot_sweet]

I've written about this before, the way some women keep themselves secret. Our selves belong to ourselves and we don't share. I used to do the same thing-- in fact, I still do it a lot, and in circumstances where being open would get me exactly what I wanted.
I keep telling myself that sharing one's id, like sharing love, makes MORE, not less. It's so deeply ingrained, and difficult to overcome.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
THIS

I struggled with something similar in a very early relationship.

I got around it by buying a beautifull BDSM themed photography book and leaving it open on the page that intrigued me on his bedside table.

He got the idea quickly enough that I was interested, and it opened up the path to alot of discussion.

 

[llmjj83]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
THIS

I struggled with something similar in a very early relationship.

I got around it by buying a beautifull BDSM themed photography book and leaving it open on the page that intrigued me on his bedside table.

He got the idea quickly enough that I was interested, and it opened up the path to alot of discussion.

You know, that is a very good idea. I may have to think hard about that one.

 

[desertslave]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
THIS

I struggled with something similar in a very early relationship.

I got around it by buying a beautifull BDSM themed photography book and leaving it open on the page that intrigued me on his bedside table.

He got the idea quickly enough that I was interested, and it opened up the path to alot of discussion.

Along these same lines, since we ARE here on Lit, of all places....find a story that turns you on and matches what you're curious about, then send him a link with an explanation. Sometimes someone else's words are easier to share than our own. BUT it's important to get to where you're comfortable with yourself and with him to communicate directly, too.

 

[llmjj83]

Actually, that's exactly what I did last night. I couldn't find the words to express to him what I was thinking so I was using words I found on here and incorperating them into a letter when he walked into the room and saw the computer screen. When he asked what I was doing, I had no choice but to tell him that I was working on something for him. So he gave me a few minutes and then took it and read it. (I was a nervous wreck). Not really sure how that turned out for me yet. The only comments he made were, "You want me to be dominating? Guess I'll be getting lots of blow jobs." (with a crooked little grin) And he pretty much said that he suspected it anyway. So, I guess we'll see how it goes from here. Thanks for all of the advice guys

 

[Sirtimothyk]

All of the suggestions here are very good. Bottom line, be open and communicate with him. Good luck.