new to D/s not even sure if its actually me

[zener92]

so ill start with some back ground i have always considered my self a nice guy, but dominant in the bedroom... until i met my latest partner (a sub)

so i thought i was a little freaky in fact my past partners have often refused my requests, and i take no as meaning no.

but my new relationship i was told im rather tame and my sex was "vanilla" hmm
so some very light bondage, ass to mouth, a little biting and some starter gaping was considered vanilla ?? i kinda thought i was onto a winner with a girl who will let me live out all my fantasies, but she explained that she though my sex was "cheeky and quite kinky" what she wanted is for me to talk really dirty and be Dominant,

but this is where i get lost cos i since tried to not take no for as much as an answer, but i still feel i am no where close still...
so i introduced electrplay into our boudoir but turns out she isnt a fan of it (although i love it)... so is it a case of i put my foot down and say that it stays??

and i am a lover not a hater, i think sex should be loving and caring but definatly kinky lol...

so what are the basics, when and what is appropriate??

could you guys give some examples of what you do as Doms/ like as subs??

also just out of curiosity what you favorite fetish's are to incorporate into it?? and how you go about it
(cos i enjoy bondage, spanking electroplay, asphixiating, watersport, and im slightly sadist)
i ask mainly cos my previous partners have been very reluctant to try any of that so im kinda new to it all but i do enjoy it, and best of all my new partner enjoys most of it but has told me im a little inexperienced (bad sub??) lol

is it something that stays in the bedroom or should it be an integral part of our lives cos im not really into that i dont think, i think she should be very independent (and she is)

p.s. apparantly she cant really tell me what to do for 2 reasons
1 she finds it hard to explain
2 its my job to just do what i want and take charge no be guided by her :/

cheers

 

[MooFloss]

Firstly, communication is key in any relationship but especially within a D/s relationship. My Daddy and I often discuss our desires and fantasies and we communicate well to help each other push boundaries.

As his sub I still tell my Daddy what I like.. I don't expect him to know everything just because he is a dom.

It's a mutual bond that both parties need to contribute to.

We have a safeword which is personal to us so if our limits are pushed too far we can say it and will respect each other's feelings on the subject.

 

[Loverskitten]

Why is asking for what you like "hard to explain"?
I can spit out a list anytime.

She sounds like a game player to me. I hate mind games. You need to tell her you aren't a mind reader and unless she tells you what turns her on, she'll be out of luck.

 

[CutieMouse]

p.s. apparantly she cant really tell me what to do for 2 reasons
1 she finds it hard to explain
2 its my job to just do what i want and take charge no be guided by her :/

1- tough.
2- bullshit.

Dominant does not = mind reader, and submissive does not = no personal ownership.

If talking is hard, she can write it down. If writing it down is hard, she can send you erotic stories off Lit that push her buttons. If she doesn't read erotica, ask her for porn clips. If she won't send you information, send her the stuff you are curious about/ interested in, and require reports.

By saying "do what you want and take charge" without any guidance by her, she's abdicating any personal responsibility for how this whole thing works (not cool). She's also opening you up to a world of liability, should things go badly. (ie: force, rape accusations, etc)

 

[Oubliette123]

Hmm seems to me she is either very inexperienced and thus has this rose tinted view that a PYL will come along and sweep her off her feet and do as he wishes with her, or she is playing with your mind. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but why can't she explain what she wants and what her limits are? All of us are here in this lifestyle because we know that we leaned towards it and wanted it that way. I worry where she got the notion it is the PYL's job to do as he/she wants, because in reality that could put you in a very dangerous position.

Communication is the only way, telling each other what you are/are not prepared to engage in and do it slowly. Issue a contract if you feel that is a wise thing to do, but tread carefully-you are not responsible for finding out her fantasies, no matter how coy she is being.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hmm seems to me she is either very inexperienced and thus has this rose tinted view that a PYL will come along and sweep her off her feet and do as he wishes with her, or she is playing with your mind. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but why can't she explain what she wants and what her limits are? All of us are here in this lifestyle because we know that we leaned towards it and wanted it that way. I worry where she got the notion it is the PYL's job to do as he/she wants, because in reality that could put you in a very dangerous position.

Communication is the only way, telling each other what you are/are not prepared to engage in and do it slowly. Issue a contract if you feel that is a wise thing to do, but tread carefully-you are not responsible for finding out her fantasies, no matter how coy she is being.

Correction; She's hoping that he will do as SHE wishes with her. By magic and telepathy and just like in the romance novels.

read the essay in my signature and, if it strikes a chord with you, make her read it as well. The paradox of giving up power is that we have to exercise the power we have before we give it up.

 

[zener92]

ah firstly the 92 in my username does infact reflect my year of birth...
and my partner is of a similar age as such yes i would condiser us both to be inexpericened in many aspects although very open with our sex lives,

i am very new and although have written some very very short lit, nothing like what is experssed you this great site, she does like this site also and has given me some links to the stories that she enjoys, i have tried to persever with reading some of them but they can be exceptionally longwinded and not very to the point, my out look on lit is similar to my out look on football i love to play but why watch others, also this is where some of my doubts come from in the bedroom im up for anything (near enough)

i find Master slave easier to comprehend than Dom/sub it seems to me very contrary, especilly the limits of caring for her and making her happy to what makes me happy if they differ do is she meant to submit to my desires if they are reasonable in my opinion or am i meant to respect her wishes??

and yes she is hoping i will do as she wishes with her... the attention seeking part seems to make a little sense in this regard

i have tried to commune with her in regards to this...

she pointed out when i say i want her to be my pet (something i have done with some of my ex's) she says i am on the right lines, i should be careing sharing and it should be pleasurable for us both, and its very different to slavery (although as i said early i can comprehend slavery very easily) and that it very hard to explain further than that,

my response was
i am asking you to explain the bedroom dynamics... u know how i treat you out side the bedroom u know thats how it will continue, im not changing who i am nor my principles... i am very respectful to you and i treat you well i would say i am domineering too and i am as dominating as im going to be as you have your independence, anything more and i will be babying you and im not wanting to be a parent just yet and especially not yours!! i consider you my partner and that is equal as the man i will provide and protect and ensure your happiness that is my role...

anyways as such it is the bedroom focus i have no issues with mixing it up and trying new things plus i have to say a third of the reason i am on here is my ego was a little hurt when i was told my sex was vanilla but i am scared as i can be a little sadistic and Master slave does appeal to me and i would be happy to be kinkier and a law suit doesnt bother me but the fact she could resent me enough to start a law suit really does frighten me and this is why i keep behind my own assumed boundaries of hers

also i like the idea of sending what i want to do to her and getting a report back i shall definatly impliment a version of this

and stell cheer for the proufound words of wisedom,
"The paradox of giving up power is that we have to exercise the power we have before we give it up."
would be kind enough to elaborate on your desired interpretation of these words, cheers guys

 

[IrisAlthea]

ah firstly the 92 in my username does infact reflect my year of birth...
and my partner is of a similar age as such yes i would condiser us both to be inexpericened in many aspects although very open with our sex lives,

i am very new and although have written some very very short lit, nothing like what is experssed you this great site, she does like this site also and has given me some links to the stories that she enjoys, i have tried to persever with reading some of them but they can be exceptionally longwinded and not very to the point, my out look on lit is similar to my out look on football i love to play but why watch others, also this is where some of my doubts come from in the bedroom im up for anything (near enough)

i find Master slave easier to comprehend than Dom/sub it seems to me very contrary, especilly the limits of caring for her and making her happy to what makes me happy if they differ do is she meant to submit to my desires if they are reasonable in my opinion or am i meant to respect her wishes??

and yes she is hoping i will do as she wishes with her... the attention seeking part seems to make a little sense in this regard

i have tried to commune with her in regards to this...

she pointed out when i say i want her to be my pet (something i have done with some of my ex's) she says i am on the right lines, i should be careing sharing and it should be pleasurable for us both, and its very different to slavery (although as i said early i can comprehend slavery very easily) and that it very hard to explain further than that,

my response was
i am asking you to explain the bedroom dynamics... u know how i treat you out side the bedroom u know thats how it will continue, im not changing who i am nor my principles... i am very respectful to you and i treat you well i would say i am domineering too and i am as dominating as im going to be as you have your independence, anything more and i will be babying you and im not wanting to be a parent just yet and especially not yours!! i consider you my partner and that is equal as the man i will provide and protect and ensure your happiness that is my role...

anyways as such it is the bedroom focus i have no issues with mixing it up and trying new things plus i have to say a third of the reason i am on here is my ego was a little hurt when i was told my sex was vanilla but i am scared as i can be a little sadistic and Master slave does appeal to me and i would be happy to be kinkier and a law suit doesnt bother me but the fact she could resent me enough to start a law suit really does frighten me and this is why i keep behind my own assumed boundaries of hers

also i like the idea of sending what i want to do to her and getting a report back i shall definatly impliment a version of this

and stell cheer for the proufound words of wisedom,
"The paradox of giving up power is that we have to exercise the power we have before we give it up."
would be kind enough to elaborate on your desired interpretation of these words, cheers guys

As for the first bolded part - that is exactly what the two of you have to decide together. There is no hidden rulebook that she is refusing to share.
Some people make up sets of rules and post them on the internet as if they were gospel and you can choose to prescribe to something like that if you like.
Still, the two of you have to choose how your relationship should work.
To me, this is what the quote at the end of your post means.

As for the second bolded part: This is the scary part about taking a less traveled road when it comes to sex. That's why it's so important to make sure that you really talk about limits (and dominants are allowed to have limits too, however vanilla anyone else finds them), choose a safeword if no sometimes means yes or stop sometimes means more and educate yourselves about risks and safety measures.

Also, punctuation please, because it gets really hard to read otherwise.