New to BDSM, trying to figure out what it's all about.

[rikaaim]

I'm very much a sexually open guy and want to know, what's BDSM mean to you?

What's it all about?

I think I have some very common misconceptions that have been pounded into me from inaccurate sources.

Is it the leather? Is it the bondage? Is it the pain? Is it the embarassment or humiliation?

I guess my question is: What excatly is BDSM? I know it's really a style of life, much like anything else.

Let me describe a little bit of myself first...

I'm bi-curious. I have never been with a man, but would like to possibly try an experience or two.

I'm also very submissive, at times. What I like is for the woman to be highly pleased. Watching a woman get excited by humiliating me is very exciting to me. I get very turned on and just enjoy the woman's pleasure. The physical pain of a good whipping also gets me going. I can't really explain why, I just know that it does. I've never really been tied down or anything, so I'm not sure how I would react to that. My experience has, for the most part, been rather tame. I do however like the idea of being put on a leash and being walked around public, again part of the humiliation factor.

On the other hand I like to very much be in control. I love to humiliate as much as I like to be humiliated, if not more. Tying a woman down and seeing her blindfolded gets me even more excited than...well...almost anything. Knowing that I can do whatever I want to her is a rush of complete power. Knowing that she enjoys whatever I do to her just gets me going even more. Forcing a woman to take my cock in her mouth, and she wants to, is one of the most enjoyable things I can think of. Of course the thrill is knowing that it's degrading. Again I'm not sure why that gets me so excited, but it does.

Does any of this seem to ring true for anyone else? I think for me it's mostly humiliation. The leather and the whips and the chains are only a means to further enhance the humiliation aspect and the control aspect.

What about some others? What does it for you?

 

[chris9]

I guess it means something entirely different depending on whom you ask.

If you read around more on this forum and in the library, you will find out more about what everybody here likes than by this post, I guess, because it is quite impossible (or close to), to put everything one likes into one post. Also a lot of work...

To me you sound pretty hard-core, so if you consider yourself rather tame, I would be very boring for you.
Pain (not very much) does it for me more than humiliation, and I don't really feel humiliated often with S.

 

[rikaaim]

I guess it means something entirely different depending on whom you ask.

If you read around more on this forum and in the library, you will find out more about what everybody here likes than by this post, I guess, because it is quite impossible (or close to), to put everything one likes into one post. Also a lot of work...

To me you sound pretty hard-core, so if you consider yourself rather tame, I would be very boring for you.
Pain (not very much) does it for me more than humiliation, and I don't really feel humiliated often with S.

Thank you for your response. I know it means something different to everyone. I guess that's just what I'm asking. What does it mean to you?

I appreciate your response and thank you.

 

[h_i_s]

I'm very much a sexually open guy and want to know, what's BDSM mean to you?

What's it all about?

What BDSM means to us, in our D/s relationship: It exists as whatever *we* choose it to be, & whatever *we* choose to define it as being.

1) Our's is a D/s relationship where the dynamics of the relationship focus most importantly on the promises of trust, communication, respect, honor, love and obedience.
2) Communication is always present between us, with both of us expressing our feelings, and opinions, whenever we can not agree on any issue, He has the final say in making any and all decisions.
3) My submission to Him, as well as my consent, and my promise to obey Him at all times was given one time, and from that moment on is understood to be an infinite vow to both Him as well as myself.
4) Our likes, and dislikes as well as our comfort levels, and whichever pratices/acts/desires/pleasures/kinks/fetishes/fantasies 'do it for us' compliment each other's. We are both open minded to trying new things, yet have some shared 'hard limits' regarding a few taboo areas.
5)We are two people in love, who are dedicated to each other, and the nurturing and preservation of all that defines our relationship.

Your likes, and dislikes as well as your comfort levels, and whichever pratices/acts/desires/pleasures/kinks/fetishes/fantasies 'do it for you' are the examples of all that should define BDSM for yourself.

It's really all about allowing yourself the freedom to be yourself, rather than feel concerned with everyone else and 'what does it for them' and/or their perceptions of 'what it is all about'.

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Hmm.. this will be a rather simple answer but I think an accurate one for myself.

BDSM is who I am.

It inflicts itself upon every aspect of my life to some degree. In how I respond to other people around me, how I think about those around me, how I react to situations. It's apart of the very fiber of my being. I was miserable before I found out there where other people out there like myself. And that I wasn't insane or weird ( well any weirder 'n the rest of you ) And after I found that out, accepted it. It gave me a great feeling of release, and contentment.

what does it for me?.. D/s.. the respect for anothers body but at the same time being given the gift of useing it as you see fit. The mutual satisfaction of the dom/me and sub. Of a purely sexual side, closet sadist. I enjoy the sound of pain/pleasure noises from others, and enjoy being made to make my own. But by no means would I consider myself into heavy stuff, at least not at this point in juncture. The more you explore the more you learn about yourself. I'm still learning and I first stumbled upon bdsm and the like at the age of 16. I'm now 23.. and every vanilla relationship I've been in... disaster to put it lightly.

So it can truely be summed up by my first comment. It's who I am.. not all but part, a part that I won't "grow out of".. it's as wired into my being as my affinity for animals. Inexplainable in it's true entirety. But something undeniable.

 

[rikaaim]

Hmm.. this will be a rather simple answer but I think an accurate one for myself.

BDSM is who I am.

It inflicts itself upon every aspect of my life to some degree. In how I respond to other people around me, how I think about those around me, how I react to situations. It's apart of the very fiber of my being. I was miserable before I found out there where other people out there like myself. And that I wasn't insane or weird ( well any weirder 'n the rest of you ) And after I found that out, accepted it. It gave me a great feeling of release, and contentment.

what does it for me?.. D/s.. the respect for anothers body but at the same time being given the gift of useing it as you see fit. The mutual satisfaction of the dom/me and sub. Of a purely sexual side, closet sadist. I enjoy the sound of pain/pleasure noises from others, and enjoy being made to make my own. But by no means would I consider myself into heavy stuff, at least not at this point in juncture. The more you explore the more you learn about yourself. I'm still learning and I first stumbled upon bdsm and the like at the age of 16. I'm now 23.. and every vanilla relationship I've been in... disaster to put it lightly.

So it can truely be summed up by my first comment. It's who I am.. not all but part, a part that I won't "grow out of".. it's as wired into my being as my affinity for animals. Inexplainable in it's true entirety. But something undeniable.

This is exactly how I feel. Before I accepted that this is who I am, and that it is okay with a willing partner, I feel much happier and more free.

I think most of me was looking for that confirmation that it was okay to express myself this way. So far I agree with all posts here, and am a much happier me for finding my place. I'm still learning, and at 23 have much to find out, but I know better what I am looking for. Thank you all.

 

[O'Mac]

I'm not going to engage in any sort of sappy lovey-dovey melodrama and say how BDSM has helped connect better with the soul of the person I love. I can't say that BDSM is who I am, because my love life is just one small facet of myself as a whole.

I will say this, however:

It's fun, it's exciting, and I feel my relationship is better off because of it. I'm still relatively new to the scene as well, but I can say that there is a great improvement in how I feel towards my partner and myself. I'd have to say it's one of the best decisions I've made in a relationship.

Now, all that said, it is definitely not for everyone. Some people find humiliation, well, humiliating. Others simply don't like pain. Some don't want to control anyone else or be controlled. I balk a little at the term "vanilla" with regards to sexual lifestyles. The advice I've been given from the get-go is to take things slowly and talk things over with your partner. If you're looking for a like-minded individual, take your time scouting out the scene and compare likes and dislikes.

Most importantly, play safe and have fun!

 

[SweetCandy22]

Really New

Well, still being a virgin and very new to the scene of BDSM there is still a lot that I'm not sure about.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he didn't understand what I wanted in bed. He considered it distasteful to bite my neck or smack my ass and I tried to get rid of that urge in me...but it continues to come back up.

I went to my best friend's b-day party, where everyone is just typically open minded. I got...far more drunk than I should of and my true colors came out. One of the guys at the party was very much dominant and I guess he found a repor in me because he whipped me quite a bit. My best friend was rather surprised that I didn't scream out in pain, but asked for more. He pulled my hair and smacked my ass and I found myself wanting it more. My heart was racing, and adrenaline was pumping in my veins.

Ever since that party- I kind of realised that this is a huge part of me that I can't seem to get rid of. I can't stop thinking about that night or that guy- even though I never found him attractive or anything... Just the idea of him doing...what he did that night....the whole thing is just amazing to me.

I've had no real BDSM things happen to me besides that party, but I have had multiple fantasies involving bondage, pain and forced action. Something about the idea of being possesed by a man, used and abused by a man is just a huge turn on for me. Sometimes I think I'll never stop wanting and craving it... I write in sexual role plays and masturbate to fantasies, but it's never enough. It's like this part of me that's screaming to be free, but I refuse to simply give in to someone I don't trust.

So, I guess that's what BDSM means to me. I'm not sure if it's something that I could ever find in a partner considering the type of person I am... But it's obviously a part of me yearning to be free.

 

[rikaaim]

I've had no real BDSM things happen to me besides that party, but I have had multiple fantasies involving bondage, pain and forced action. Something about the idea of being possesed by a man, used and abused by a man is just a huge turn on for me. Sometimes I think I'll never stop wanting and craving it... I write in sexual role plays and masturbate to fantasies, but it's never enough. It's like this part of me that's screaming to be free, but I refuse to simply give in to someone I don't trust.

So, I guess that's what BDSM means to me. I'm not sure if it's something that I could ever find in a partner considering the type of person I am... But it's obviously a part of me yearning to be free.

This is exactly where I'm coming from, but on the Dom end. I didn't think it was right for me to have those thoughts and feelings. I always thought that if I gave in I would become this evil terrible person who just wanted to use and hurt people. That's not it at all for me.

With me, I want to find someone, like you, who wants to be "used" as much as I want to "use" her. I say it that way because no one is really being used. We are simply living out our prefered sexual lifestyle. I see nothing wrong with that. I know how I treat people, and expecially the women in my life who mean something to me. They will get all of me and my devotion, when I find the right one. I want someone who is going to enjoy receiving as much as I enjoy giving. I think accepting that I'm Dom, that I want to do these things, and knowing who I really am has lead to a much more confident, stable, and happier me.

Thanks for all the continuted support. I know I've found my right path in this realm. I know because I finally feel like me.

 

[SweetCandy22]

I understand completely. I do feel a lot better, now that I have admitted to my ex that I simply can't be sexually connected without that. It's not something tha I can change, it's not something that I have chosen- it's simply an integrated part of me that I need to accept and embrace.

At this point, I'm not sure exactly how, but talking about it certaintly helps and makes me feel a little more control over the situation.

 

[Richard49]

First BDSM can be divided into
BDSM and D/s

Than you have in the BDSM end those that "play" in the bedroom
some all the time
some only ocasionally

BDSM is sensioual thing
it is about physical feelings

D/s on the other hand is about power
and the exchange there of

The "lifestyle" has evolved over the decades
When I first became involved it was illegal and you could go to jail
for some the things practiced i nthe BDSM you still can

I have meet some submissives that were totally NOT into pain or bondage
or whatever that were into TPE and the BDSM was used as discipline

So what you may be looking for will depend on
1) where you fit in the BDSM - D/s aspect
2) your level of experence

 

[cicciolinaicrm]

to me its about giving up control, as im in control of everything else in my life, I want someone else to take over and let me just enjoy the ride.

 

[FurryFury]

to me its about giving up control, as im in control of everything else in my life, I want someone else to take over and let me just enjoy the ride.

I'm with you on that but taking control can be fun too now and again. It can also be highly instructive for both people.

Fury

 

[rikaaim]

First BDSM can be divided into
BDSM and D/s

Than you have in the BDSM end those that "play" in the bedroom
some all the time
some only ocasionally

BDSM is sensioual thing
it is about physical feelings

D/s on the other hand is about power
and the exchange there of

The "lifestyle" has evolved over the decades
When I first became involved it was illegal and you could go to jail
for some the things practiced i nthe BDSM you still can

I have meet some submissives that were totally NOT into pain or bondage
or whatever that were into TPE and the BDSM was used as discipline

So what you may be looking for will depend on
1) where you fit in the BDSM - D/s aspect
2) your level of experence

A very intersting point well made. I know just what you mean. For me it's mostly about the D/s aspect. The power game. The level of control. The bondage and devices simply enhance that illusion. When my partner is tied up and unable to move it is the physical representation that I am in control, because they gave up theirs to trust me. Knowing that they trust me it is almost the "sub" who has more control because I must restrain even more not to loose mine and hurt the one that I love.

My level of experience is not very high, sadly. I wish to take proper courses in learning how to use the tools of the trade as to properly protect my partner.

Notice the word I use, partner. I wish to have no ownership over someone, simply to take control in order to give them just what they want. I want to please them, above all others. That's another aspect of it to me.

I do greatly appreciate all the responses here, and the PMs I've been getting. Thank you very much for continuing this discussion with a newb.

 

[rikaaim]

Since this is my thread I just wanted to say that by merely observing some of the other threads and thoughts in this subject I have learned, and am still learning, much about the D/s relationship.

Most of what I've read is from the slave's standpoint, and is untterly fascniating to me to see the mindset of such a wonderful creature. Also, my role of aspiring Dom comes into better focus as far as what I have to do to ensure a mutual and safe environment for my choice and I. Once again, thanks for being so informative in many of these threads, even if to you the information may seem trivial.

 

[Richard49]

Since this is my thread I just wanted to say that by merely observing some of the other threads and thoughts in this subject I have learned, and am still learning, much about the D/s relationship.

Most of what I've read is from the slave's standpoint, and is untterly fascniating to me to see the mindset of such a wonderful creature. Also, my role of aspiring Dom comes into better focus as far as what I have to do to ensure a mutual and safe environment for my choice and I. Once again, thanks for being so informative in many of these threads, even if to you the information may seem trivial.

It sounds like your primary leanings are bondage
From what you have written I am not sure about you and D/s

What one is into does not make them better or worse than
others ... just different ....and is only important as it comes to finding
a "mate"

 

[gypsywitch]

I'm very much a sexually open guy and want to know, what's BDSM mean to you?

****Hi.
This is my first post in this forum and I'm not an extremist when it comes to BDSM play. My feeling is that there are different levels of real possibilities between people and then there are things that belong more in fantasy. Playing them out with words and friends at a site like this seems very safe, but one must always have the usual cautions.



What's it all about?

****Mmm... for me its about large strong men who take control due to their masculine, almost uncontrollable desire, to sink some seed deep. Balance is good I guess, but submissive men just aren't my type. I can be passionately dominant myself but never overly forceful.

~~
On the other hand I like to very much be in control. I love to humiliate as much as I like to be humiliated, if not more.

Of course the thrill is knowing that it's degrading. Again I'm not sure why that gets me so excited, but it does.
~~

*****This isn't my style and everyone is different. I don't get any thrill out of degradation from a mean n' nasty standpoint. Having a cock forcefully shoved in my mouth isn't degrading at all.


What about some others? What does it for you?

****Bondage, blindfolds, leather n' lace is nice and all, but a pure caveman does it for me just fine.