New Story Posted

[Stepandfetchit]

My latest story ‘Doctor!’ has been posted. Any suggestions for improvement would be appreciated.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=122953

 

[Kaotiks]

I will say a rather ambivalent not to shabby

 

[MaxSebastian]

Well, you can communicate at least, which is a start. But, I didn't find it particularly erotic.

Firstly, it was a little confusing to start with. Science-fiction is about conveying new ideas, but I find the best way is not to try and explain the whole cosmos of the story in the first couple of paragraphs. Relax. Take it slowly, introduce the characters and describe the setting, get some plot points on the board then gradually slip in some explanations for what is going on as we go along. As a reader of sci-fi, I don't want to have to sit there and concentrate on the one paragraph like I'm trying to burn a hole in the screen with my mind just to take in the framework for the rest of the story. I prefer to start reading, pick up the background as I go along with my questions answered as we go along.

Secondly, it was all a little too cheesy to be erotic. Too much like a vaudeville act, too many exclamation marks, too many lines that seem like half-jokes. Hello everybody! I'm just going to pull Nurse Mollusc's trousers down right now! Boom! Whoop! How's your father!.

I think the names of the characters didn't help to make it any more erotic, either. I mean sure, you're trying to portray that these characters aren't your standard US of A born and raised like they do on Star Trek. But a powerful tool of the erotic story is the character names - if they're hot, they're hot! And Nurse Ziploc just didn't do it for me, neither did Xeon the Worrior Princess.

I'm sure you could come up with alien-sounding names that sound a little more attractive without compromising your artistic integrity.

The whole date-rape without the date storyline wasn't quite my cup of tea, either (sorry for this list of rants, by the way. Once I get started...). I found it difficult to connect with either Xero or Nurse Zedroc because I couldn't really understand their reasoning and therefore didn't much like them as people. And fiddling with someone that is not of your species has never been all that erotic in my book.

But aside from the plot, I just didn't see any suspense building here, no exploration of the frisson of flirtation between the two main characters, nothing to produce any kind of pay-off for the reader that makes it to the end.

There was dialogue between the characters, but it seemed a little artificial and also a little cold - no real flirtation there. Flirtation is a great way to build suspense in an erotic story. I think I'm going to go off and do a little of that myself, because I felt cheated in that respect here.

And the whole thing was just not expressive or descriptive enough to be erotic. You're writing with just your eyes and your ears here, as though we're in the movies here. Use your other senses - what are these characters feeling, and so on? What is their emotional context? What does Dr Xma like about Nurse Zorcon? What does she like about him? Why should we be turned on by them?

It just wasn't very hot. Every now and then you drop in a word or two of dirt, and then comes an exclamation mark, like you're a boy scout saying something naughty while the scout master's back is turned.

And the Wayne's World style flashbacks didn't help with the cheesiness. I'm not against flashbacks, but I think they can be done more stylishly.

To sum up... Less Carry On and more description. Less alien date-rape, more suspenseful build-up with flirtation leading to satisfaction.

But, you've made a better start than many.

 

[Stepandfetchit]

Thanks for the responses.