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Hello Icebaby,

Now you have quite an imagination there haven't you? It's good to see.

This is what I noted as I read your story:


blokes hand

Should be 'bloke's hand'. Bloke? Are you a little aussie too?

God I need a man bad I have not had any sex in months unless you can call my dildo a sex partner, I was just going out the door when I smelt it, I could feel a wet patch forming in between my legs only one thing could send such a surge of lust through my body! Leather!

I have several comments to make on this paragraph. First, it's H O T hot! Second, and don't I just feel like the midget calling the munchkin short when I say this? There is a problem with the punctuation. Many sentences thoughout your story could have been broken by commas, or new sentences, and there are places where the punctuation was just not right. Looking into my eyes he said want a drink babe, should be: Looking into my eyes, he said, "Want a drink babe?' I see you have used a fair amount of dialog, but you haven't used inverted commas. It's not a big deal, but it really does bug some readers. And, you have changed tenses. You begin your story in present tense, then here slip into past, and again later in your story you slip in and out. Personally I would change the whole lot back to past tense.

God this is not a man he is a animal

M-m... my kind of man, but again you have switched to present tense here. You have also mixed a determiner (this) with a pronoun (he), and I don't think that's correct. I think it should either be - God, this is not a man it's an animal, or - God, he is not a man he is an animal.

Sitting at the bar I looked at his hands imaging them roaming over my body, could feel his mouth licking away the wetness between my legs, ..

Oh yes, been there, done that! ;) That's great imagery.

Suddenly the bedroom door opens and I scream as I see a group of men stood there putting his hand over my mouth he says don’t worry it just some friends of mine come to join in the fun pushing me back he ram’s his cock into my mouth to stop me screaming I can see the men removing their clothes two off them hold me down while others pull my legs apart the ones holding my arms lean over and suck at my breasts I can feel fingers being pushed into my cunt more being pushed into my arse he is still slowly fucking my mouth,

This paragraph is very confusing, and Baby, try trying to saying all of this with out taking a single breath. Punctuation please. :) How about:

Suddenly the bedroom door opened. I screamed as I saw a group of men standing there. "Don't worry," he said putting his hand over my mouth, "it just some friends of mine come to join in the fun." Pushing me back he then rammed his cock into my mouth to stop me screaming. I could see the men removing their clothes. Two of them held me down, while others pull my legs apart, others were holding my arms and leaning over to suck at my breasts. I could feel fingers being pushed into my cunt, and more being pushed into my arse, as he continued to slowly fuck my mouth.

Now a couple of questions for you baby. Why is this story in the non-human section, and why did you call it 'Halloween Story'? The only thing remotely non-human here is this
man's over sized dick, not that I don't enjoy reading about such things. :) And the only thing relating it to Halloween, is the title and the first line. I don't quite understand this. I am thinking perhaps you may have had a few extra details in your head, that just didn't quite make it onto the screen. Would I be correct?

Well over all, it's a hot little read, but it does have a few little bumps that need ironing out. :)

I with you well with your future writing.

Have a great day, (mate?) :)

Alex (fem).
 
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re story feedback

Hi thanks for your feedback it were much welcomed, I know i got to sort out this problem i got with punctuation `s ect think my mind just run `s away with me sometimes lol as for inverted commas i just can not find them on this stupid keyboard well i can find them but they not there if you know what i mean
The reason it went in non human was because they are werewolf's and I did not name it halloween story that got changed sometime after i submitted it? anyway thanks again for your help :devil:
 
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