New Story- Lily's Punishment

[Lily]

My latest story just posted...please check it out and let me know what you think! The category was changed but not by me, I thought that was strange, but I guess the powers that be know better than I do.

All constructive criticism very welcome! Thanks....Lily

 

[3113]

My latest story just posted...please check it out and let me know what you think! The category was changed but not by me, I thought that was strange, but I guess the powers that be know better than I do.

All constructive criticism very welcome!

I read your story and I thought the sex was really excellent, very exciting and charged. However, there was a little muddle in just where Lily is on that couch and how she's bending over him. Is she up against the back of the couch? Over his lap? Over his arm? How is he getting at her breasts? It's just not clear.

Then there's why she gets spanked. Amusing as it is, breaking a vase just doesn't give you as much energy as something more real. In a spanking story this decision always has to be made. What is more exciting for the story--that she *really* do something wrong and get the spanking, or that she simply wants a spanking and gets it. Because, frankly, you made her do something "bad"--but clearly, she can have the spanking for the asking.

In which case, it's not a "punishment." If it's really "punishment" then it should be up to the spanker when, how and why the spankee deserves a spanking.

And a broken vase is never a good idea for a spanking because it's an accident and we won't buy it. So either have her do something actually and really naughty--which gives you that tension of real punishment under the sexual stimulation (i.e., there is an element of punishment here at least in her not knowing what her spanker will do to her for her crime)--or just make it a request on her part. A gratituous reason for the spanking doesn't give the story any energy.

 

[Lily]

constructive thoughts

Hi, and thanks so much for taking the time to read and let me know what you thought. I think it always helps to improve my writing to get feedback from as many different perspectives as I can.

I guess that the feeling I was going for in this story was more of a playful aspect of the spanking and the ritual that this couple goes through in both teasing and pleasing each other. I wonder if the fact that it was put in the bdsm category ( I had it labeled for erotic couplings) makes it seem even more misleading *sigh* oh well...practice makes perfect

Anyways, thanks so much! I do really appreciate all the time you took!

Lily

 

[3113]

I wonder if the fact that it was put in the bdsm category ( I had it labeled for erotic couplings) makes it seem even more misleading *sigh* oh well...practice makes perfect

BDSM is the right category for this, I think. But you really didn't get across that there was any ritual involved. If it's a ritual, then breaking the vase really throws things: i.e., the ritual is that she says she's been naughty and gets the spanking even though we, the reader see, that she's done almost nothing at all (like, didn't make the bed). If you put in that she actually DID do something, then the reader assumes she doesn't get the spanking UNTIL she actually does do something and, therefore, it's not a ritual.

You get the idea.

 

[Lily]

new stories

The point I was trying to make, (in my last post) was, its really not about the vase, the vase is more the vehicle to get them where they both want to be. The ritual is in their relationship, and the way they like to play together...perhaps ritual was the wrong word lol. Anyways thanks again for your input! Now I guess its time to move on to a new story...I love that part...the creating of something new.

Do you have anything new in the works?

 

[3113]

The point I was trying to make, (in my last post) was, its really not about the vase, the vase is more the vehicle to get them where they both want to be.

I got that. My point was that the vehicle you chose to get them there throws things off--it confuses the reader rather than accenting the relationship because it's neither large enough to warrent real punishment, nor small enough to warrent "ritual" punishment. See? The broken vase stands out too much and detracts from the rest. At least IMHO.

For myself...I'm working on another short romance--more of an anti-romance actually. Fun to write, but I'm trying to switch p.o.v.'s in this one. I don't usually do that. Hope it works.

One of the hardest things to write for me, interestingly enough, are those little half-sentence blurbs every story on Lit requires ("She makes him feel special..."). I always get stuck on those.

 

[Lily]

New Story

I will look forward to reading your new story....I think POV can be a tricky thing and you can certainly never please everyone sometimes I will write in first person and get a flood of feedback saying ewww write in third person and then just the opposite when I write in third person....I guess for me it usually depends on the story I am trying to tell and the feel of it in general.

I think its kind of nice that everyone gets stuck in different areas of writing, it gives you a chance to share with other writers and learn to enlarge your craft!

I'll keep an eye out for your new one!


Lily