New Story Francis

[OldClyde]

“Francis” is a new story just accepted by Literotica.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=68479

Take a look and see what you think.
All kinds of feed back is welcome.

Thank You All

OldClyde

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=138419

http://mywebpage.netscape.com/buzpearson/index.html

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

OldClyde,

Read through your story fairly fast; there's a lot posted here recently
But allow me just a few remarks nonetheless, the most important being the following:
While being a pretty good read, your story suffers from elementary lack of story-logic.

You introduce us to a woman who is discontented with her body, so much so that she doesn't even enjoy to privately see herself in the mirror naked.
If you subsequently let her strip naked before six guys with their pants down, you ask too much of the reader: they simply won't buy it.

So, build and develop your characters, making them convincing to convince the reader they are worth learning more about.

Other points:
Adding (36DD) in brackets is lazy! Take the time to make us see and envision her breast size; there's plenty of exciting ways to do that and readers of good erotica deserve a good way.

Even when you have the hots for the biggest size, you should never be derogatory when describing smaller size.
Unless maybe in direct speech from someone who is not attracted by small breasts, but the reader should know in advance to not take unnecessary offense.

 

[damppanties]

Hi OldClyde,

I'm writing this as I read your story so all thoughts are coming on here as they occur to me.

Keep a thesaurus handy. I notice that you repeat too many words close together.

e.g:
admiring her new bathrobe that her mother

could be admiring the new bathrobe that her mother...

when she actually had been very fat,

drop 'actually'. It appears in a line above.

she did not notice them noticing her because

notice them looking at her would be better.


So it was that no one at all ever pointed out her finest attribute to her.

drop 'it was that' or replace it with ' that was why'.

Now, let us not get the idea that Francis had no friends.

Usually, when the narrator starts to 'talk' to the reader like this, I back click out of the story. It just doesn't work for me. Perhaps you could try 'It was not like Francis had no friends.' or 'This is not to say that Francis had no friends.'

Their mothers' were all very good friends...

I don't think you need an apostrophe here. It's just plural of mother.

So in short, they seven had grown up together.

'the seven' or 'they'

Oh, I guess I should tell you something of what Jane looked like.

The narrator - reader thing again

These young folk had developed a habit over the years.

young folks?

...was empty of adult type persons

'adults' would do.

There are a lot of grammatical errors in your story. You should get it edited. After this point, I am just skimming over the story and mentioning only the things which stick out. No grammar stuff.

It is a little unbelievable as Paul pointed out, but I guess most of the stories on this are. It's a stroke piece which is what most people come here to read.

You need to get the story looked over by a good editor who can take out all the small misakes which really distract the reader.

Keep writing.

 

[OldClyde]

Thank you:

Thank You All for the advice.
I do appreciate it. The two stories that I have submitted to Literotica are the first short stories I have ever done in any genera. In other types of writing that I did do there was always someone higher up the corporate ladder to edit and of course take my ideas for his or her own.

I did pick up on one mistake that no one has mentioned yet. There is the place where I wrote “they seven had grown up together.” However, there were eight persons mentioned in the story. Six guys and two girls are named. Jane is not an actor in this story but is mentioned as a part of this group and may appear in another story. Right now I am thinking it might be better to stay away from numbers over three or four when writing. That may be just a knee jerk reaction after my noticing the error. I was so worried about mixing up the names of the guys that I did not pay enough attention to that number.

Anyway, I hope this will help other writers as well as myself. Thank you again.

OldClyde

 

[OldClyde]

Moonlight and a Pair of Panties

Hi Dp.

I went ahead and looked at your story “Moonlight and a Pair of Panties.” As you and Paul pointed out about my story “Francis” this one too seemed a little unbelievable. Not that the guy would have entered the home illegally but that at the end she invited him into her bed. There are a few fellows out there who would have made the illegal entry, but maybe even fewer females who would have woken up to find a strange man ejaculating over them who would not have screamed, or froze in fright.

I did however try and come up with a few reasons.

1. She knew him and had the hots for him already.
2. She watched long enough to get hot herself, and past the point of no return.
3. She had been having a hot dream and waking up and finding him there could not help herself but to invite him in to help her finish.
4. She figured that this would be the best way to keep a mentally disturbed man from hurting her before leaving.

Am I doing any good?

For me the story was to short. About the time I started getting hard the story was over. Maybe this story would appeal to the female mind more... I don’t know. I did give you a vote but not a five. I look for the kinds of stories that when finished, make a man want to go and see if he can wake up his wife, and yet are not those stories that you would find in a porn store paper back book.

Seeing as how, you know how good I am at editing grammar and punctuation, you will understand why I make no comments on that at all. I am going back to read some of your other stories. I do believe that you are a good writer. I just did not find this story to be my cup of tea.

OldClyde