New Story by New Author

[EmeraldAFlame]

Hi ! I tried to post a new thread once before, lets hope I got it right this time. *S*I've been reading wonderful stories by really talented authors in LIT for a couple years now. I finally worked up the nerve to share one of mine.

I humbly offer my first work of Erotic Fiction
Title: Anna's Grand Passion
Category: Mature
Author: EmeraldAFlame

If you'd like to read of Anna the young librarian, who trusts a seductive older patron, and learns the wonderful ache of a slow seduction....

Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=71251

As a novice, I welcome comments and advice!

 

[kristydoll]

Congrats on your first posted work *smiles*

The story, in itself, is not bad at all - I enjoyed it. I did wonder why you chose the mature category as it could have been in the erotic coupling category. (I actually know why the 'mature' category - I just think in this category you could have done a bit more in the story to emphasize the 'mature' in going this way).

As far as the story - it was pretty well done. Personally, I would have cut down on some long sentences - but that is my preference. Also, I'm not sure you needed to cap certain words - but that could be a preference as well - and am sure it is fine for net writing.

The only thing I didn't like was the first paragraph - maybe there is a better way to set up who Anna is - again, just my preference, but I did like the second paragraph.

Keep writing - you did a good job *smiles*

kristy

ps....had to mention this line....One of the fantastic things about guys past their 40s is that the scrotum is finally loose enough to make their balls move a little easier. Honestly - I didn't (and still don't) even know what to say about that...lol

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, I liked it a lot. For a first work especially I think it's really excellent, and I hope we see more from you.

I didn't even object to your use of caps because I know you were trying to emphasize certain words. There were a lot of exclamation points for me, which I tend to use very sparingly and only in direct quotes. I don't like yelling at my readers!

Your mechanics were excellent: who did what to whom and how. Your description of the oral sex I found very arousing. Could have maybe used some more adjectives and sensual detail to make it really juicy though.

There are a number of things you do that are the reason I don't usually like first-person narratives. The narrator first tells us how good looking she is, which I always find off-putting, and there are places where she just tells us that something felt good or she enjoyed something. I myself think it's better when you tell us just how it felt good. It pulls us in.

Other than that, Good job. (!)

---dr.M.

However: a guy in his 40's is NOT "mature"! He is "ripe" , as Anna found out. I must admit to being mystified too as to this scrotum thing. However, we all indiuge in so much mythologizing about sex here, it doesn't realy bother me.

 

[ladyphoenix]

Emerald's gem

Dear Emerald,
A fine story and I was happy to vote high for it. I, too, sometimes am put off by the first-person perspective, but honestly you did it quite a bit more successfully than others I've read.
The only beef I had, so to speak, was the feeling she described of her breasts 'being offered up on a platter' followed by his indulging in her breasts orally being likened to a 'starving man at a feast'. I think you can be more creative with your word pictures.
Overall, VERY recommendable. Thanks for the great read.

best,
ladyp