New Story - 'A Chance meeting' Feedback Please?

[JD111]

Hi guys

Firstly the story is here - http://www.literotica.com/s/a-chance-meeting-19

EDIT - sorry, the category is NC/Reluctance

I've posted a couple of stories now, although I've written quite a few more. I write them for my girlfriend, but was interested in what others thought of them. The general trend seems to be that they get mediocre scores but no comments - so i have no idea how to improve.

Any feedback would be appreciated!

 

[kbate]

Your story is OK. Not awesome, but OK.

You need to watch your paragraph breaks and punctuation in your dialogue. You broke into 'rushing' your writing several times in the later parts of the story.

Three or four times you used unnecessary adverbs where then distracted rather than enhanced the sentences. Watch this and use them only when your sentence is weak without it.

'Oh, errr hi Shaun,' she said, her voice was at least 2 octaves higher than I'd ever heard it. The usual confident poise was gone immediately. She sounded younger and somehow smaller.

That sequence can be much stronger by combining the sentences and eliminating the 'immediately'. Her confident poise gone, she sounded younger and smaller as she replied, 'Oh, um, hi Shaun'.

Remember, this story is told from the perspective of the boyfriend listener - you can only report his experience with it. Things like, "not enough for the other train passengers to hear" give me information he could not know without checking visually to see if they had heard. Add those details to keep the viewpoint. "when she is stroked gently" - how does he know it is gently? He does know she was stroked, gentle is a guess.

Overall you did quite well with perspective.

As far as plot - I guess for the genre it is good enough. I would have expected some reaction from the now-former boyfriend other than silent acquiescence, perhaps some anger, some attempt to say something, something more than allowing a second rape of his girlfriend. A missed opportunity perhaps to expand and add to the story and make the abandonment even more crushing? We'll never know.

 

[JD111]

Your story is OK. Not awesome, but OK.

You need to watch your paragraph breaks and punctuation in your dialogue. You broke into 'rushing' your writing several times in the later parts of the story.

Three or four times you used unnecessary adverbs where then distracted rather than enhanced the sentences. Watch this and use them only when your sentence is weak without it.

'Oh, errr hi Shaun,' she said, her voice was at least 2 octaves higher than I'd ever heard it. The usual confident poise was gone immediately. She sounded younger and somehow smaller.

That sequence can be much stronger by combining the sentences and eliminating the 'immediately'. Her confident poise gone, she sounded younger and smaller as she replied, 'Oh, um, hi Shaun'.

Remember, this story is told from the perspective of the boyfriend listener - you can only report his experience with it. Things like, "not enough for the other train passengers to hear" give me information he could not know without checking visually to see if they had heard. Add those details to keep the viewpoint. "when she is stroked gently" - how does he know it is gently? He does know she was stroked, gentle is a guess.

Overall you did quite well with perspective.

As far as plot - I guess for the genre it is good enough. I would have expected some reaction from the now-former boyfriend other than silent acquiescence, perhaps some anger, some attempt to say something, something more than allowing a second rape of his girlfriend. A missed opportunity perhaps to expand and add to the story and make the abandonment even more crushing? We'll never know.

Could always rewrite!

Thank you very much for the feedback kbate. I can see what you are saying regarding adverbs - it is something I try to avoid since I read Stephen King's 'On Writing' which has 'never use adverbs' as one of its central take home messages. Guess I need to try harder on that

Thanks again

 

[kbate]

Could always rewrite!

Thank you very much for the feedback kbate. I can see what you are saying regarding adverbs - it is something I try to avoid since I read Stephen King's 'On Writing' which has 'never use adverbs' as one of its central take home messages. Guess I need to try harder on that

Thanks again

King is wrong when he tells you "never" - what he meant was that it is cheap to tell someone that your hero stroked her 'swiftly and surely' when you can write use dialogue or another sentence to show us the swift and sure actions.

Overuse of adverbs is simply being lazy but refusing to use them can also lead to weak writing.

If you peruse 5 lit stories at random - just count the number of times you find these words used to 'enhance' sex: slowly, softly, slightly, quickly; you'll begin to see the effect of overused adverbs.

 

[lovecraft68]

King is wrong when he tells you "never" - what he meant was that it is cheap to tell someone that your hero stroked her 'swiftly and surely' when you can write use dialogue or another sentence to show us the swift and sure actions.

Overuse of adverbs is simply being lazy but refusing to use them can also lead to weak writing.

If you peruse 5 lit stories at random - just count the number of times you find these words used to 'enhance' sex: slowly, softly, slightly, quickly; you'll begin to see the effect of overused adverbs.

When I read things like this what I come back to is, "So, okay, why were adverbs created in the first place?"

As for King, he is a fantastic writer and story teller. However I do not take his book for sooth when you consider the fact this guy has gotten to the point it takes him 50+ pages to describe a damn town and the characters in it (Black House w/Peter straub)

King has gotten to the point he either no longer has an editor or they are afraid of him. The original Stand was incredible, but when they released the version with all the deleted scenes, I and many, discovered those scenes were deleted for a reason.

Now he keeps in everything he wants and runs on and on. Try reading Insomnia, you will discover it is the cure for said disease.

The only worse example in a major author is Anne Rice who I swear is talking to herself more than the reader.

Again, their success is undeniable, but I don't study and emulate them. The talent is in telling a story, when they get pretentious I lose interest.

Just like rock stars who seem to feel the need to shove their political views into their songs. Just play your damn guitar and sing. For King, just write your books and don't try to re-write the English language remember this is a guy who before Carrie broke was writing sex stories for Caviler magazine.

I refuse to believe there is anything wrong with "He eased his cock in gently" or "He drove his cock roughly inside her"

 

[Lord_Gro]

To follow-up on what lovecraft68 is saying, simple, direct events need to be described in simple, direct terms. One can say "That man has a lot of intestinal fortitude," or one can say "The man has guts." Both phrases convey the same basic meaning, but they evoke different responses in the reader.

What you DON'T want to do is overuse the same few descriptive words in one passage.

 

[lovecraft68]

To follow-up on what lovecraft68 is saying, simple, direct events need to be described in simple, direct terms. One can say "That man has a lot of intestinal fortitude," or one can say "The man has guts." Both phrases convey the same basic meaning, but they evoke different responses in the reader.

What you DON'T want to do is overuse the same few descriptive words in one passage.

Good point and that falls under "realism" you have to write how people really speak.

My spell check is always lit up because my characters say "Hey, you wanna go out" or "Listen, I gotta get going." people do not say "I'm sorry, but I need to be taking my leave no." well maybe some, but only if it fit the character.

and yes, overuse is bad as is "doubling" the adverb, example, "Very quickly" Quickly would suffice.

A friend who had been publishing erotica for a few years gave me a short list of words to try to avoid. "Very, almost, actually" are the three I found myself most guilty of.

 

[kbate]

When I read things like this what I come back to is, "So, okay, why were adverbs created in the first place?"

As for King, he is a fantastic writer and story teller. However I do not take his book for sooth when you consider the fact this guy has gotten to the point it takes him 50+ pages to describe a damn town and the characters in it (Black House w/Peter straub)

King has gotten to the point he either no longer has an editor or they are afraid of him. The original Stand was incredible, but when they released the version with all the deleted scenes, I and many, discovered those scenes were deleted for a reason.

Now he keeps in everything he wants and runs on and on. Try reading Insomnia, you will discover it is the cure for said disease.

The only worse example in a major author is Anne Rice who I swear is talking to herself more than the reader.

Again, their success is undeniable, but I don't study and emulate them. The talent is in telling a story, when they get pretentious I lose interest.

Just like rock stars who seem to feel the need to shove their political views into their songs. Just play your damn guitar and sing. For King, just write your books and don't try to re-write the English language remember this is a guy who before Carrie broke was writing sex stories for Caviler magazine.

I refuse to believe there is anything wrong with "He eased his cock in gently" or "He drove his cock roughly inside her"

Did you not read when I said, "king is wrong"?

Please explain why you need "Gently" to enhance the action "eased" which implies - slowly and gently. Please explain in what way "drove in" does not imply rough. Can you Drive it in Softly and Gently?

He touched her softly. Softly tells me something touched did not.
He punched her lightly on the arm. Tells me it was not an all out brawl.
He fucked her roughly. Again - roughly gives me a picture.

He slowly stroked her boob while gently kissing her lips. - Weaker, but still goes along with the idea of easing into sex and tells you more of the action than without the adverbs.

When you used "Drove" you had a strong verb which did not require an adverb to enhance its strength. When you said, "eased" you implied 'gentle' or 'slow' and did not need the modifier.

 

[BonnevilleFlats]

You need to work on your line by line. Nothing specific. You just need to find your narrative voice. The reason for the mediocre scores are that you're just not there yet. The prose lacks the sort of authority that draws the reader in and keeps the reader engaged. All that is needed is more practice. Also, read some of your favorite writers as a writer does, with an eye on how the story is told. Writing is a craft. Like any other craft, be it pottery, furniture design, luthiery, there are so many skills that need to be developed. Another skill is knowing what point of view is best for a given story. Should it be told by the boyfriend who, at the end, is left sitting alone? His perspective tells us nothing about why she is drawn to Shaun. Does the boyfriend even need to be there at all?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Adverbs are corner cutting, okay if the narrative content is unremarkable, and a blemish if the writing oughta be better. Theyre like hamburger with too much fat.

I read part of the story but my attention deficit disorder is toxic and I cannot loiter if the writing fails to restrain me. Earlier I read part of Faulkners A LIGHT IN AUGUST, and it binds me good and tight. Ditto Steinbecks SWEET THURSDAY.

 

[lovecraft68]

Did you not read when I said, "king is wrong"?

Please explain why you need "Gently" to enhance the action "eased" which implies - slowly and gently. Please explain in what way "drove in" does not imply rough. Can you Drive it in Softly and Gently?

He touched her softly. Softly tells me something touched did not.
He punched her lightly on the arm. Tells me it was not an all out brawl.
He fucked her roughly. Again - roughly gives me a picture.

He slowly stroked her boob while gently kissing her lips. - Weaker, but still goes along with the idea of easing into sex and tells you more of the action than without the adverbs.

When you used "Drove" you had a strong verb which did not require an adverb to enhance its strength. When you said, "eased" you implied 'gentle' or 'slow' and did not need the modifier.

I did understand you, I wasn't arguing your point. What I said was "When I read things like this, it makes me wonder..." as in the first point then your point brings that up in my mind.

So please try reading what I said.

Also I am sure the excess use of adverbs maybe a "sin" and "good" writers can avoid them, but....

50 Shades of Gray has sold millions of copies and a grammar Nazi like yourself would have a field day with it.

And I'm sorry, but especially in erotica I find it hard to believe someone is going to sit back after reading my story and say "Wow, it would have been good, but the adverbs!- insert dramatic music here- Oh, the adverbs!"

I have to say I feel bad for people who can't read a story without dissecting it, that has to really suck.

Then again I can identify because after spending years as an instructor I can't watch a "martial arts" movie without rolling my eyes and saying "Yeah, that would never happen, and that's impossible and any idiot with a green belt could beat that guy..." So I guess certain things get to certain people more than others.

 

[kbate]

I did understand you, I wasn't arguing your point. What I said was "When I read things like this, it makes me wonder..." as in the first point then your point brings that up in my mind.

So please try reading what I said.

Also I am sure the excess use of adverbs maybe a "sin" and "good" writers can avoid them, but....

50 Shades of Gray has sold millions of copies and a grammar Nazi like yourself would have a field day with it.

And I'm sorry, but especially in erotica I find it hard to believe someone is going to sit back after reading my story and say "Wow, it would have been good, but the adverbs!- insert dramatic music here- Oh, the adverbs!"

I have to say I feel bad for people who can't read a story without dissecting it, that has to really suck.

Then again I can identify because after spending years as an instructor I can't watch a "martial arts" movie without rolling my eyes and saying "Yeah, that would never happen, and that's impossible and any idiot with a green belt could beat that guy..." So I guess certain things get to certain people more than others.

When I'm laughing or wincing over the quality of the writing - even in erotica, it is unlikely that your intent of 'creating a state of arousal' has been met.

You have gone into quantity of sales twice now as if volume and quality have any bearing. They do not. 50 Shades will be a forgotten book in a decade or two as will be most of Steven King, Tom Clancy, John Sandford and Anne Rice. James Joyce, Samuel Clemens, Shakespeare are still read decades and centuries after their deaths. That isn't because they 'drove it in roughy'.

 

[Derroreaper]

By mentioning Shakespeare you're just confirming LCs point. Shakespeare is loaded with grammatical errors based on the way we write today. In fact he's known for doing exactly what you're using to poke fun at LC for, LOL.

Using "more strong," "more strange," and "more sweet," or "more fitter," and "more corrupter," should really send up your flag, don't you think?

 

[kbate]

By mentioning Shakespeare you're just confirming LCs point. Shakespeare is loaded with grammatical errors based on the way we write today. In fact he's known for doing exactly what you're using to poke fun at LC for, LOL.

Using "more strong," "more strange," and "more sweet," or "more fitter," and "more corrupter," should really send up your flag, don't you think?

And you make my point with "should really send". How is that stronger than "should send"?

 

[Derroreaper]

And you make my point with "should really send". How is that stronger than "should send"?

I'm with Shakespeare, or wasn't that obvious?

 

[BonnevilleFlats]

Stephen King has some novels that can stand on their literary merit alone. I never thought that and 20 years ago I was such a literary snob that I wouldn't be seen with a Stephen King novel. But I had a cross country flight and picked up Green Mile at the airport bookstore and was floored. Same with Delores Clairborne, Hearts in Atlantis, Shawshank Redemption and several others. Stephen King also has a good deal of pulp in his body of work. For the past decade editors have been afraid to actually edit him and, unfortunately, he seems to have developed Norman Mailer disease. I won't read a new Stephen King novel because entire sections of the book are superfluous.

 

[JD111]

You need to work on your line by line. Nothing specific. You just need to find your narrative voice. The reason for the mediocre scores are that you're just not there yet. The prose lacks the sort of authority that draws the reader in and keeps the reader engaged. All that is needed is more practice. Also, read some of your favorite writers as a writer does, with an eye on how the story is told. Writing is a craft. Like any other craft, be it pottery, furniture design, luthiery, there are so many skills that need to be developed. Another skill is knowing what point of view is best for a given story. Should it be told by the boyfriend who, at the end, is left sitting alone? His perspective tells us nothing about why she is drawn to Shaun. Does the boyfriend even need to be there at all?

Thanks for the feedback. Agreed, I should and will write more.

 

[BonnevilleFlats]

Thanks for the feedback. Agreed, I should and will write more.

Don't just write erotica. Try your hand at other types of fiction or memoir. Start out by mimicking the best writers. Later, you will have your own style. Every artist -- painter, actor, guitar player -- starts off by imitating their heroes. The ones who last are the ones who find their own voice. It is a process.