New Stories posted

[emesangels]

I am new to the site and new to writing erotica - any feedback and comments will be greatly appreciated.

Exotically yours - Elizabeth - (aka emesangels, aka Eliza Dolot)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=72175

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=72174

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=72176


am awaiting approval on one more story (hope it makes it to the Holiday Contest list) and would appreciate any feedback, votes, comments on it when it posts.

So message me or respond here - everything gladly appreciated

 

[damppanties]

Hi emesangels,

I picked Daddy's Naughty Girl for feedback.

My overall impression was that this girl was living in fast forward. You didn't linger at the good points, the whole day was finished in less than 1,500 words and the sex was just three lines long. The story was just too short.

It was submitted in the Incest category, but the Incest part was only apparent in the last paragraph - even though there were referrences to "daddy" all through the story. I didn't like your use of quotes around daddy. I didn't feel there was any need to emphasize the word.

I totally hate the use of parentheses in stories and since this was a story where the main character herself was talking to us, I can't see why you need them.

I'd like to give you specific instances of where I didn't like your sentence structure and grammar but I wouldn't know where to start. There were too many instances.

The paragraphs were too long. This hampers on-screen reading.

I felt the first paragraph wasn't needed, or maybe it was misplaced. You establish her relationship with daddy and then suddenly take her off to school.

Try rewriting the story and making it longer. Describe the various things that are happening to this girl. Don't just tell us that it happened - in one sentence. Get into her mind and tell us what she's thinking as she's doing all those things. Try to get the reader involved rather than just giving him facts to read.

Use an editor before submission.

Finally, how old is the girl?

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

Hi emesangels,

First of all, congrats with making it to this board and posting your first work; always a big step. I read "Ashley", and my comments are based on that. If I have the time, I will read the others as well, but no guarantees

The first thing that's on my mind in comment on this story is: dialogue. If I counted well, there's exactly one line of dialogue in this story, and that's a real shame.
You rely entirely on narrative style, and so deny yourself a lot of opportunities to liven it up, and create variation. It's extremely hard to make a story sing by only using narrative: it's much more distant than direct speech.
Writing dialogue is pretty damn hard, but it allows you the opportunity to actually make us experience what kind of woman Ashley really is, and why the "I" is - thus - so impressed by her, in stead of being told that.
I personally think this story would benefit a lot from replacing major parts of narrative with dialogue: their encounter at the restaurant as well as their love-making. That way, you enable the reader to "be there", which will give the story-theme the intensity and inimateness it would deserve.

I also noticed a couple of changes in tense. You switch to present tense now and then, at times when you technically should not (e.g. their dance, their love-making)

You use the I-perspective, which is notoriously harder to handle than the third person perspective. I get the impression you picked first person style to make it appear more a personal story, possibly one of own experience.
Every style has certain dangers, and one that came to mind when I read this story, is why Ashley would be interested in the I. The choice for first person makes it a bit harder to add in Ashley's thoughts, but that doesn't mean the reader would not be in need of them to have this encounter make "sense": it takes two to tango, after all.
As said before, dialogue offers opportunities to do that, since it allows Ashley to speak directly, allowing the reader to see who she is and why she's attracted to the I-person.

In the first part of the story, you added a few descriptors to Ashley, one of them being that she was a Domme, or at least into the BDSM-scene. I've never been with a lesbian Domme, so my impressions may be wrong, but the rest of the story did not really give me the feeling of seeing a dominant woman at work. She lead the way, but I think that is what most experienced lesbians would do when first introducing a bi-curious woman into lesbian love making, not? I'm not saying she has to be dominant, but when you tell us she is, you should make that appear convincingly in the story, I think. You e.g. mention "confidence and control" when they first chat in the restaurant, but there should be ways to show the reader that she is confident and in control, in stead of merely telling us that. I hope I'm making sense here, as I have the impression this is all inside your head alright, but you missed a few steps to make that clear to the reader as well. You make me rely too much on assumption and interpretation, maybe?

You picked a rather particular way to lead the story into a real-life encounter. Switching from "online" to "offline" is a thing that comes with expectations, fears, tension, I'd say. The way she prepared herself for this encounter, as well as the wait in the restaurant was cute and realistic, and I think you can make more of the moments following in much similar ways. This part screams for dialogue too.

Last but not least, the sex
We go to her room and as soon as we close the door, we are like two animals in heat, desiring, needing, wanting.
You start off like this, and it didn't convince me. I'd expect the I-person to be nervous, and that didn't match with the starter-line, really. Also, would a confident and in-control woman like Ashley be showing these emotions the moment the door closes? You have great opportunities here to let Ashley play cool, yet caring, and the I-person nervous and shy, yet excited. That way you'd get a bit more feel in the story maybe, making your characters more convincing and easier to identify with?
Also, you might want to pay attention to variation in sentence building: there were a lot of "she did"-lines in this paragraph, I noticed. Sometimes, you try to avoid the "she"by simply leaving it out, leaving incomplete sentences that can make a nice contrast but can also be confusing to read, e.g. "Pushes my legs up and then I feel her breath, hot and heavy and so sweet and delicate."
As to allowing us the feel of hot sex, you should maybe not be reluctant to describe in stead of narrate, e.g.:

"She knows she is doing everything right because I am almost delirious with the excitement."

This leaves the anxious erotica-reader with questions: what is she doing right? Tell us what makes her delirious with excitement. Make us feel like we're between her legs, so to speak, is that making sense?

One thing that I found a bit confusing to read. You start and finish a paragraph making reference to cars:
We get in the car and she grabs me and starts...
[...]
... We go back to the restaurant and pick up her car and I follow her to the hotel.

I had trouble deducting they had stepped into her car first, and later picked up Ashley's car. It makes sense they would both have arrived with their own car, but why did they land in her car first if Ashley was going to pick up hers soon afterwards?


You've shared a story with us that left me with the impression it could well be autobiographic. In my comments, I have tried to hand you a few tools by which, I think, you can turn an emotional experience into a real story.
It's not always easy to allow yourself the distance needed to constantly ask yourself if you're allowing the reader the chance to experience what you (or the I) experienced. And yet, that is exactly what you should do, I think, because it makes the difference between "telling" and "a story".

These are of course only my impressions, and it's always you who is writing your own story, in your own way. Also, dissecting a story the analytical way I did, creates an impression that appears harsher than it was really meant to be. Your story was built on moving emotions, and in that respect very genuine. Thanking you for sharing that then sounds like a good way to end this comment. If you'd be left with any questions, please don't hesitate to post them.

I wish you good luck with your future writing

Paul

 

[ladyphoenix]

emesangels “Daddy’s Naughty Girl”

Well darlin, you asked…

Writing in the first person is a very difficult undertaking and I think after reading through the story that you should have avoided it. When it’s done right it’s good and when it’s done wrong it’s horrid. You don’t do this as well as you might.
When speaking in the first person, it’s also not really necessary to give the character’s name. Usually it’s more natural to bring it up in dialogue (someone else speaking to her, for example, and calling her by name, would have worked better). You start out stiffly by saying:
“This starts off as a typical school day for me, Eliza, as any other day [this phrase is redundant] but today, [no comma needed here] I am feeling a bit naughty and get caught [you are telling us something that hasn’t happened yet]”
You then jerk us back to “the beginning” instead of just starting there to begin with, which is awkward. You introduce us somewhat to Eliza who (of course is a high school student who has to wear a uniform and ponytails, far too clichéd for me) and refer to her “daddy” constantly in quotes [WHY??]. Her mommy passed away when she was a baby (cliché) so she only has her “daddy”. Now, I know there are only a finite number of possible ways to define a character and their situations and sometimes we use clichés but it is possible to present them in a more poetic prose. Yours is stiff and choppy.
I don’t believe the whole internal dialogue (these should be in single quotes, not doubles, by the way) about the panties. I mean, come on. Do you really think some teenie-bopper is going to stand there and actually say to herself:
"God, how I hate wearing these panties and being confined, wish we lived in a nudists colony or something so I wouldn't be so confined in this uniform and panties and all."
This isn’t realistic; it’s just something you throw in to get her to school without her panties, which you could have done in a VERY brief line (“I was getting ready for school and decided not to wear panties” or something). Instead, you expect us to believe that a high school girl can “discretely” remove her panties on a school bus (have you ever been on a school bus? This just doesn’t work.) I get weary of the word ‘naughty’ within the first third of the story. Use a Thesaurus.
I don’t care about the time schedule of the bus. I don’t care about the fact that classes are an hour and a half.

Now we get to science class and the gorgeous teacher with green eyes, and the two most incredibly unbelievable lines in the story. First:
“So, I am sitting there in the front of the class and just casually reach under my skirt and start playing with my clit…”. COME ON. There is NO possible way to do this, unless you have a coat over your lap (maybe) but here, we’re just supposed to believe that she’s “casually” masturbating in front of the whole class. And now, line two:
“…and in the middle of the lecture he just blurts out "God, that pussy looks so good, I just want to fuck you so bad" Yeah. That’s belivable.
At this point I started laughing and I don’t think that’s the reaction you were working toward. She gets suspended…what happened to a teacher who blurts out in the middle of class how much he wants to fuck her? He should have been fired, if for nothing else, then just for being in this story.

The rest of the story is the same sort of stuff: confusion, unbelievable events and general boredom. You say “daddy” is on a business trip and the school can’t contact him but then he’s at home (sitting nude on his bed reading the paper, as all good “daddies” do during the day when they are supposed to be working). Didn’t the school try calling the house (I have kids and I know the school would do that, even though I give them a work number). Then you have them VERY casually discussing her suspension while he’s NUDE for crying out loud, with no mention of anybody feeling awkward or “daddy” grabbing a robe and being embarrassed or anything.
We find out, through the spanking and subsequent brief and almost surgically-blunt sex, that this has happened before; this would have been better explained before, so that the conversation with “daddy” nude in the bedroom would have been clearer. Even so, while I love a good daddy/daughter fantasy and I think you may have the ability to write a good one, this one was very poor. Seriously un-recommendable.

Work harder next time,
ladyp

 

[emesangels]

Just a few comments on my posted stories, after reading the comments so far. I do really appreciate the comments and feedback.

My daddy/daughter story is not about the sex between them, it is a fantasy role playing of the spankings, the father figure punishing the naughty daughter. So the real eroticy is the punishments. She is a teenager, developed hormonally and is feeling naughty. Spankings are not something I have experienced in any sexual encounter I have had in my life. So it remains a fantasy.

My Ashley story is about a person I have chatted with online only. We have become fairly close and when I had the dream and wrote the story, I did so under her direction. The story really should have been told in present tense throughout the Day of the Meeting, but that is my fault, being new to writing. I had already set the past up in the introduction paragraph I had, so my mistake. I will learn to adjust my tenses so as not to mix them.

As for writing in the first person, I chose to do so as I am writing what I would feel or experience going through these scenarios.

Again, the comments and feedback are truly welcomed and appreciated. As for writing styles and what turns each person on, I can only say different strokes for different folks.

I am not professing to be an expert but felt when I posted these stories that I am at least worthy of giving it a shot and this is what I have done. I have put forth some effort and written a few stories.