New Sci-Fi Story

[Idle_Hands]

I just posted a sci-fi bit I wrote about a year ago. I've always been pretty pleased with it, but just recently polished it a bit more for posting.

Sex-wise, it's tamer than some other stuff I've written, which may make it suffer for ratings. Still, I think it's got a good bit of passion.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=50469

I'd love to hear any feedback of any kind.

Thanks very much.

 

[damppanties]

The Black Hole

A very good story Idle_Hands. I liked the end. It was done very well.

I just had three problems with it. First, I couldn't understand some of the terms like hammerdrive, blast ports,etc you used in the beginning. I don't read too much sci-fi so I think its just me, but do try to explain such stuff for an ignoramus like me.

Secondly, you have the habit of repeating words. I'll give you some examples here:

"They kissed and kissed and kissed and the blood coursed through their bodies."
"Grinding, and grinding, and grinding."
"His thick cock slid slowly into her wet, wet snatch."

IMHO a word shouldn't be used more than once in a paragraph (this does not apply to common words like 'the', 'and', etc.), and NEVER in the same sentence twice.

Third, this paragraph:

"He removed his gloves and ran his hands under her suit, from neck to breasts and down her soft belly. He cupped her breasts with his large hands and gripped them with gentle strength. She peeled his suit back from his shoulders and bit at his neck and he groaned. He kissed her behind the ear, down her neck, to her clavicle and on to her shoulder. He brushed her nipples with his thumbs and they became even harder. He bent his head to one and ran his tongue over it, gripped it between his lips and traced over its tip with his tongue. "

In this paragraph, you start all your sentences with a 'he' or a 'she'. There are more paragraphs like this in your story. It becomes monotonous and reads real flat. This can be avoided by opening your sentences with a clause or an adverb. Like this:
"Removing his gloves from his hands, he moved them under her suit - from her neck to breasts and down her soft belly."
OR
"Quickly, he removed his gloves and ran his hands under her ....."

As I said earlier, the end was very good. I loved the last two paragraphs. In that your story succeeded 'cos it left me with a good feeling. Keep writing.

-DP.

 

[Guest]

The Black Hole

Idle,

Sci Fi is a genre I know really well, it runs in my family.
I have read and written lots of sci fi stories with erotic elements.

But your story is more erotica with sci fi elements, I think.

Here's the theme and precis as I see it:
(I'm not being glib here, I do this with my own stories to make sure that they make sense)

Theme: Knight in shining armour rescues damsel and carries her to safety on steed (genders reversed).

Precis:

A spaceship falls helplessly towards a black hole.
Another enemy spaceship is pursuing it under power, to attack it, a risky thing to do.
The attacker breaks into Wes's ship pulls him to to enemey ship.
Attacker turns out to be a sexy blonde Xena, in love with him.
They fuck, and head towards another universe.

Well, I really liked this story, you got the atmosphere right, and the storyline was clear with changes of tension -- you reveal three twists:
1. Enemy -> Friend
2. Male -> Female
3. Detsroyed by black hole -> Safely through black hole to another universe.

Those twists are what made it a good read.

Maybe you should have been more explicit about 3. Maybe not. I got it (and I think damppanties got it too).

What IS a "hammerdrive"? I read a LOT of sci fi, and I've never heard of it.
I think unless you're prepared to describe it and back it up with the physics, don't invent a form of rocket propulsion.

Otherwise, great story! Thanks!

 

[NoJo]

That last unregisterd was me, not logged in.

 

[damppanties]

ignoramus is right

Well, I really liked this story, you got the atmosphere right, and the storyline was clear with changes of tension -- you reveal three twists:
1. Enemy -> Friend
2. Male -> Female
3. Detsroyed by black hole -> Safely through black hole to another universe.

Those twists are what made it a good read.

Maybe you should have been more explicit about 3. Maybe not. I got it (and I think damppanties got it too).

Ummm, no. I missed it. I thought they died. I went back and re-read the ending and I felt it could have been either way. Too sublte for me.

-DP.

 

[NoJo]

DP, maybe *I* got the ending wrong. I guess it is a good story, cause here we are arguing about!

 

[Idle_Hands]

Sorry it took a while to reply.

Thanks for the feedback. I'll try to address some of it.

1. Hammerdrive, blast ports, etc. (both of you mention this).

I've been a serious sci-fi reader since the mid-seventies, and appreciate many of it's forms. My favorite works, however, have always been those which were more concerned with the ideas and characters than the science or technology. Phillip Dick and Ursula K. LeGuin are two of my favorite authors. Of course, there are authors who write fiction with a technical bent and great charaterization (Kim Stanley Robinson really gets my respect for this), but I don't think I'll ever try to do that.

So, when I toss around made-up words for futuristic technologies, they don't really matter. The characters know what they are, they matter to them, but we should breeze on by and not worry about it. Admittedly, I may have failed in this, but that's my intention.

This philosophy also should explain stuff like being able to enter a black hole, or whatever. I'm not arrogant enough to think that I measure up to the authors I've mentioned, but theirs is the example I try to follow.

2. Repeating words.

Guilty as charged, although I think it may be excusable in the "wet, wet snatch" instance, but probably not in the same short piece which does it two other times. I'm sure there are much better ways to get the emphasis accross in the other cases. Any recommendations?

3. Paragraph with all sentences starting with pronouns.

Ugh. I wish I'd noticed that before. I agree that it's ugly. Like I said in my first post, I wrote this about a year ago, and I'd like to think that I've gotten a bit better at that sort of thing. The most recently-written (and most obsessed over) story I've posted is "Lucy's Mystery Man", but let's not start digging into all my work. I'm happy that you folks are interested in talking to me about this story, and I'd rather focus.


Now some general explanation:

Like I said, I wrote this thing about a year ago, with the intention being to write an erotic story with a corny sci-fi setting. More Barbarella than anything else.

I ended up more attached to it than that, and worked on it a more, writing a couple more installments. I was aware of quite a few questions it left unanswered (Who are they? Why does she follow him? Do they die? etc.), and before long I had quite a story in my head. I saw this piece as an intro chapter, and pictured the next chapter stepping back in time to begin to reveal the full story. The thing started to morph from erotic story with a sci-fi setting to sci-fi with some sex scenes.

With no time to accomplish my now-lofty goals (and perhaps not the talent, either), I ended up sitting on the thing. Recently, after posting a few other stories to Lit, I decided I wanted to share what this, since I've always been pleased with it. I debated calling it "chapter 1" or something, but decided that would commit myself too far, and I wanted to see how well it stood on it's own.

What do you think? As a "chapter 1", would it make you keep reading?

thanks again. It's great to find people willing to help me this way.

- ih

p.s. do you know if one can modify the stories once they've been posted?

 

[NoJo]

Sci Fi

Idle, it's not chapter 1, unless you have a flashback that answers
1. Why was she chasing him? Love? How did she come to love him? Were they going to be Adam and Eve in universe II?

2. Why was he escaping? From what? Was there a war? Was he a space highwayman? Spy?

3. How does a hammerdrive work? (Just kidding here!)

As a Sci Fi reader, I wouldn't feel cheated if this were part of a longer story that ENDED with what you wrote -- they're kind of riding off into the unknown, a perfectly valid ending for life on the frontiers of space.

 

[Idle_Hands]

Why can't chapter 1 leave one with questions?

Would you not read on, hoping to see those questions get answered?

- ih

 

[NoJo]

Sure it can leave one with questions -- that's why you'll need a "prequel" or flashback to explain it. But you won't be able to move the action forward unless you explain it at SOME point later.

It's like those stories that start with a guy standing on a window ledge. You need to know why he's there before you care whether he jumps.

Hey, six more posts and you lose your Virginity!

 

[Idle_Hands]

Sure it can leave one with questions -- that's why you'll need a "prequel" or flashback to explain it. But you won't be able to move the action forward unless you explain it at SOME point later.

It's like those stories that start with a guy standing on a window ledge. You need to know why he's there before you care whether he jumps.

So are you saying that the flasback has to happen during this first bit? I thought about doing that, but I just like the way this plays out as is.

Hey, six more posts and you lose your Virginity!

Ah, is that what it takes? (he says as he finally figures out how to add formatting and stuff...

- ih

 

[damppanties]

Hi, I'm back!!

HI again,

I like the idea of a sequel - or a prequel..(?) The story was very well written and got me thinking about those questions you mentioned. If there was a story which explained all those doubts, I'd definitely read it. Looking forward to it.

-DP.

Errr... perhaps you could call it Chapter 0. (cos it comes before 1)

 

[Idle_Hands]

Re: Hi, I'm back!!

HI again,

I like the idea of a sequel - or a prequel..(?)

The trouble is that the more I work on it, the more it becomes sci-fi and not erotica.

Oh well, another challenge can't be a bad thing.

-ih

 

[damppanties]

Well, yes, keeping your mind on other things while you're hurtling into the unknown is kind of difficult. And then you have to see that the hammerdrive isn't damaged by your activities. LOL. Best of luck.

-DP.