gunhilltrain
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New role-play story, New York 1970s
- Thread starter gunhilltrain
- Start date
gunhilltrain
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Two bonus videos: movie scenes mentioned in the story.
I just love Cyd Charisse.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcYyxk_CAVs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuJxYmJlEHY
I just love Cyd Charisse.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcYyxk_CAVs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuJxYmJlEHY
AwkwardMD
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Before I start, I want to reinforce that this is just my opinion, and that no one person's voice should ever count for more or less.
Some things don't translate well.
I can read between the lines that this story is possibly based on real experiences, but the execution of the plot is ungainly and long-winded. We spent nearly an entire Lit page (~3500 words) explaining who these characters are and their relationship only to THEN go back and pretend they don't know each other.
That works in real life, where interpersonal relationships might need a little spice, but we as readers have only just met these characters. We don't need a break from them, and having you push the reset button just makes those first 3500 words feel pointless.
The one comment so far complained about the sex, but I didn't make it that far. I checked out when I realized that all the information you have given me at the beginning of the story didn't matter.
Consider changing your style from fiction to non-fiction. Raconteuring a fictional story is a very difficult thing to pull off, establishing tone and a likeable narrative personality while ALSO trying to tell a story with an arc. Or perhaps try to write a solid, well-rounded piece of fiction that is devoid of so much narrative flavor. Once you have a handle on both, I think you'll be in better shape to tackle an ambitious idea like this with more success.
Some things don't translate well.
I can read between the lines that this story is possibly based on real experiences, but the execution of the plot is ungainly and long-winded. We spent nearly an entire Lit page (~3500 words) explaining who these characters are and their relationship only to THEN go back and pretend they don't know each other.
That works in real life, where interpersonal relationships might need a little spice, but we as readers have only just met these characters. We don't need a break from them, and having you push the reset button just makes those first 3500 words feel pointless.
The one comment so far complained about the sex, but I didn't make it that far. I checked out when I realized that all the information you have given me at the beginning of the story didn't matter.
Consider changing your style from fiction to non-fiction. Raconteuring a fictional story is a very difficult thing to pull off, establishing tone and a likeable narrative personality while ALSO trying to tell a story with an arc. Or perhaps try to write a solid, well-rounded piece of fiction that is devoid of so much narrative flavor. Once you have a handle on both, I think you'll be in better shape to tackle an ambitious idea like this with more success.
gunhilltrain
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Well, one issue is that it really is fiction
I've never been in any role play situation, I made up all the events in the story. I've never known a woman like Charlotte - I've never even known anybody who lived in Chelsea.
I think a problem I've had with this and at least one other story is that they were carved out of a larger work - a possible future novel - and that was difficult to do. If I was going to post this again I might shorten the opening scene at City College; on that I see your point. (Actually it was already cut somewhat; in the novel it would be even longer!)
There will be several other chapters about Charlotte so I will be able to link back and I won't have to repeat the the introductory material.
I've never been in any role play situation, I made up all the events in the story. I've never known a woman like Charlotte - I've never even known anybody who lived in Chelsea.
I think a problem I've had with this and at least one other story is that they were carved out of a larger work - a possible future novel - and that was difficult to do. If I was going to post this again I might shorten the opening scene at City College; on that I see your point. (Actually it was already cut somewhat; in the novel it would be even longer!)
There will be several other chapters about Charlotte so I will be able to link back and I won't have to repeat the the introductory material.
hadruprider
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This story seems to have been written for the author. The location, the time, the clothes and so on must have some deep resonance for him (his other stories have a similar setting). But for the average reader they mean nothing and there is nothing in the descriptions in the first few paragraphs to make me want to read on.
gunhilltrain
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Well Faulkner had his Mississippi, Updike had his Pennsylvania, Nathanael West had his Hollywood, Roth had his Newark, Hardy had his Wessex . . .
Of course it's silly to compare myself to those people. But it is true I was young in 1970s New York, so I'm going to write about it at times. And why shouldn't I? I can't identify with the rural South, but it's as valid a setting as any.
And you, Hadruprider, based on your one story, have your London, the contemporary version. [Spoiler alert.] I actually felt a bit sorry for James. I know he was an adulterer - but leaving him padlocked there, man that was harsh. I guess it's supposed to be tongue-in-cheek - but it's a bit like those BTB stories in Loving Wives, with the gender reversed. Only fair I suppose? It could be read as a feminist parable, but the two women just seem to looking for a good prank.
Carol and Heather do come across like female bar patrons from Central Casting (that reference really dates me, I know) right down to Carol's 34B bra size. In other words, they seemed much the same except for their hair color.
I know one person has been asking for more detailed descriptions of sex acts. For example, something like, "Her breathing was getting heavier, and her facial muscles began to contort. Finally, Carol threw her head back, tossing her long dark hair, and gave a series of loud grunts, followed by a gentle sigh. Her face relaxed from the grimace to a soft, contented smile."
The problem may not be the writers; there are only so many ways one can write about it. As one of my characters says elsewhere (still unpublished): "When you've seen one blow job, you've seen them all."
P.S.: It seems that Cuban Pussy is a fictional drink, correct? Great name however.
Of course it's silly to compare myself to those people. But it is true I was young in 1970s New York, so I'm going to write about it at times. And why shouldn't I? I can't identify with the rural South, but it's as valid a setting as any.
And you, Hadruprider, based on your one story, have your London, the contemporary version. [Spoiler alert.] I actually felt a bit sorry for James. I know he was an adulterer - but leaving him padlocked there, man that was harsh. I guess it's supposed to be tongue-in-cheek - but it's a bit like those BTB stories in Loving Wives, with the gender reversed. Only fair I suppose? It could be read as a feminist parable, but the two women just seem to looking for a good prank.
Carol and Heather do come across like female bar patrons from Central Casting (that reference really dates me, I know) right down to Carol's 34B bra size. In other words, they seemed much the same except for their hair color.
I know one person has been asking for more detailed descriptions of sex acts. For example, something like, "Her breathing was getting heavier, and her facial muscles began to contort. Finally, Carol threw her head back, tossing her long dark hair, and gave a series of loud grunts, followed by a gentle sigh. Her face relaxed from the grimace to a soft, contented smile."
The problem may not be the writers; there are only so many ways one can write about it. As one of my characters says elsewhere (still unpublished): "When you've seen one blow job, you've seen them all."
P.S.: It seems that Cuban Pussy is a fictional drink, correct? Great name however.
