New member: My first BDSM experience, emotions, communication...

[new_explorer]

Hello everyone!
I'm new to this forum. Post #1...

Quick summary on me. I'm a 40ish gal, divorced for a couple of years, now going through a renaissance. After a year in a celibate cocoon, I started dating the first cute guy who hit on me in a cafe. It was later revealed that he is a bi, switchy sub who loves MFMs and has strong cuckold/hotwife fantasies. It's been an interesting ride for this formerly vanilla girl! I should write a memoir. My bf and I spend a good amount of time together, but it has evolved such that I basically have free rein. I am openly pursuing several relationships on the side. After some experimentation, I've found that I lean more on the poly end of the poly-swinger continuum. I prefer a few close friends/soulmates/lovers over lots of semi-anonymous sex. I've met some wonderful people... This is all probably just a phase, but it's been empowering and an incredible learning experience.

I'd long wanted to explore my curiosity about BDSM, but felt intimidated and unsure how to start. An attractive dom/bondage expert wrote to us on our swinger site profile -- I took a look at his info, and instantly knew we had to meet. We've had about a dozen play sessions over the last 4 months. Typically, he ties me and we have rough bondage sex with lots of oral and lately anal too. He's put me in suspension a few times. He is kind, respectful, often tender, but definitely pushes my boundaries, and I love it. We usually grab a drink or snack out before play -- we have really nice conversations, and have shared many things about our lives with one another. We have some similar interests, both being introverted sci/tech types. I'm very attracted to him, and I think he is to me. I've slept over at his house a few times. All good.

However, I'm becoming frustrated. I feel attached now and want to see him more and more, but I'm afraid to tell him as I don't know how often he wants to see me. Our method of scheduling is pretty strange. We communicate infrequently and everything is by text. He's made a point of saying things to me on multiple occasions to indicate he is single, but I am certain he has other current play partners. I've noted bits of evidence here and there... I'd really like to know how many people he plays with and what he wants our parameters to be so I know how to operate. I don't have a problem with him playing with others, but I make myself sad wondering where I may be in his priority list. I want him to take me to some play parties or other public things. There's a big communication hole -- we haven't discussed *any* of that. I'm afraid of being emotionally vulnerable, being rejected, getting hurt. Physical vulnerability, no problem. The emotional stuff, ugh...

Usually I am over the moon the day after seeing him (sometimes the afterglow lasts two days). But this last time left me in a melancholy state. We met and played on a weeknight. I had let him know I had left the following weekend completely open. I had pushed back other opportunities vanilla and non, hoping that he and I could schedule something fun. But when I pressed him, he told me he was busy and that we'd have to wait a week or two. Usually he is up front about his schedule and what he is doing; this time he was vague.

When I feel vulnerable and down, I'm likely to back away, put up walls, try to protect myself. And I really don't want to do that, I want to plunge further into this D/S thing - and that works best if I'm feeling comfortable and open. I hate spending my energy worrying and over-thinking. I'm struggling with my fear of rejection and wondering how to talk to him about this... Ah the drama of a first-time sub!

 

[CutieMouse]

The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown

 

[new_explorer]

Thanks, CutieMouse. Succinct but insightful. I watched the TED video, and now have a lot to think about... Fear of vulnerability prevents us from connecting, fully loving and fully living. Oh boy, I have some work ahead...

 

[Netzach]

If he's that entrenched in the scene and its ideals, then hopefully he's actually absorbed the "goodness and importance of communication" jazz to the point where that conversation should be a welcome no-brainer for him.

If he's being vague about the weekend plans, it could mean that he's wary about the fact that you're let down about it and may have displayed this. I've been on the top end of this - and I've felt other people's vulnerability being swung at me like a blunt instrument.

Being a free agent with a lot of friends to play with may be where he is at - he's been polite enough to make no secret of this to you. That's due diligence as far as I'm concerned. I would be very put off by a bottom who wanted me to kiss and tell or report to them, unless that was something they obviously got off on.

I know that when I've been honest about that with people and someone gives me the long face after I have made my non-exclusivity clear, I have felt used and betrayed.

Did they figure they'd change me, once they got the experience they wanted from me?

My perspective is that if you want to feel bad about something that I never hid, that's on you, and subjecting me to any level of guilt about it is a kind of non-con coercion.

I'm not saying you ARE doing that, but you may want to consider something that has likely burned anyone in his position.

 

[njlauren]

My suggestion would be to talk to him about it, express what you are looking for and see if it fits with his vision of things. I agree with Netzach, it sounds like he is into playing with a lot of people, loves the freedom, and it sounds like you want more, that you are connecting with him more deeply, want more from him. Otherwise, why would you even be interested in asking him about other people he is playing with, if he made no bones about the fact he isn't exclusive? Likewise, you freeing up time for the weekend like that can be seen as a kind of 'topping from the bottom', it is in effect saying "oh, john, I have totally freed up this weekend, pushed aside plans and such, so it would be great if we could get together". It sounds like an 'if', but what it also could be taken as "I have given up my whole weekend", which can be seen as guilting him into spending time with the person (not saying this about the OP, I am saying how it could be interpreted).

It sounds to me like you guys need to communicate and from my perspective the OP should take the initiative. If she is looking for more, if potentially she is looking for this guy to be part of a poly with her other BF, or something more committed, then I think she needs to talk to him about it. When deep feelings come into play, when you get bummed out after playing because it ended and you wanted more, to me that is a sign that a relationship is brewing that is more then just play......

 

[new_explorer]

Netzach,
Your note gave me something to think about -- how a sub needs to avoid the impulse to be emotionally controlling when she feels vulnerable. But I don't think what you are saying really represents this situation.

He's likely a free agent with lots of friends, but that's something I don't really know because we have never had any discussion. I started out assuming it was just casual play. He's a tall, good-looking bondage top who has given demos at parties, so I imagined he was in high demand and I was *thrilled* just to have a chance to be with him. The first session was absolutely mindblowing, and if that's all I ever had with him I'd still feel incredibly lucky. But he and I clicked and kept arranging meets, never discussing any parameters.

After a few meets, he began sending what I interpret as availability signals. On several occasions, he has made sure that I know that the email or text he is answering on his phone is with his ex-wife regarding when he can pick up his kids. He brings up romantic topics (favorite movies, the recent public marriage proposal) and volunteered info about his divorce and prior live-in girlfriend. His profile states he is looking for (among other things) a long-term partner. And when I ran into him at a lifestyle party (both of us with other dates), he made sure I knew his date was "just a friend" and then spent the rest of the evening solely with me (including some very wild public sex). I think he's incredible, but I don't think I would have let myself feel so vulnerable if all of those signals weren't present. I'd have kept my mind just in play-space like I usually do.

In any case, I do need to let him know my thoughts and feelings. I recognize that I have a problem with accepting my own vulnerability -- which could be a problem in any relationship, kinky or vanilla. I'm actually very glad to have a quiet weekend alone, to re-equilibrate and process my thoughts and emotions...

 

[CutieMouse]

IMO one can't trust "signals" to determine ones place in life. For example, to me, the "signals" you mentioned = friendship/getting to know each other.

If I ask one of The Men to do something, I don't put life on hold waiting for an answer. If they can, they will; if not, they won't. It isn't a reflection of my place in their lives or their relationship with others (if any).

They know about each other and are supportive. One chooses celibacy when we aren't together; I presume the other has multiple lovers but haven't ever specifically asked. We muddle through and discuss feelings/wants/needs as they come up, instead of dealing with the vagueness of "signals". Occasionally scary, but way healthier, IMO.

 

[new_explorer]

Thanks, njlauren! I appreciate hearing your thoughts...

 

[new_explorer]

I hear you CutieMouse. Very good point. I do focus too much on signals, intuition and analysis. Communication is scary but way more efficient.