New here just wanting some feedback ;P

[FrostyJack85]

here's a poem i wrote on writerscafe, just wondering what you guys thought ;P Thanks! - Jack

Quite a reversal
from last night,
luv.

For someone so shy, (liar)
so good (not where your fingers have been <--I know I've tasted them)
you do know your way around handcuffs.

And you do know your way around,
with that wicked
wicked tongue.

I thought
I knew how to tease, how to make you scream,
how to make the sheets bend to you waves of passion as you grip them frantically.
I thought I knew how to make one
beg-
for release.

The velvet gloves were certainly a nice touch
the red lipstick
even a better one

some call it bondage,
I call it torture-
most would how easily we slid together,
how wet you were-
and how quickly you moved away.

thankfully I know the
safety word,
but i know better
than to whisper it
softly
as your mouth slides there-
tasting what you just did.

 

[butters]

welcome to the forum, frosty

not got a lot of time but my first impressions were that you could afford to cut a lot of the beginning: it might be that this is a write intended for a specific person, so you chose to start out by addressing them the way you have - and to let us know there was some small subterfuge in play. however, imo, this would be a stronger poem for general consumption if you shortened it something like this (and please don't take offence, just suggestions from my pov and this is the quickest way for me to illustrate my meaning):

your title - i'd use 'some call it bondage', to steer people in the right direction

some call it bondage

I thought I knew
how to tease,
how to make you scream,
how to make the sheets bend to your waves of passion as you grip them frantically.
I thought I knew
how to make you
beg -
for release.

The velvet gloves were a nice touch
the red lipstick
a better one.

How easily we slid together,
how wet you were
how quickly you moved away -
a form of torture.

I know the safety word,
know better than to whisper it
softly
as your mouth slides

there.

welcome to the forum, frosty

i really like that long line's imagery and pace!

 

[butters]

whoa, triple post!

 

[butters]

and again. lit must lurve me long time