You are telling me she is in a predicament, you are telling me the situation has ambiguity - OK, how and why? You are telling us what we should be thinking which means you aren't allowing me to figure the story out for myself. It's your job as the writer to take the time to think about story and find a clever way to show it to me. Allow me as the reader to feel intelligent through my comprehension of the story. It is as simple as having her Space Map device go haywire and having the narration explain she hasn't seen anything like that in all her years exploring space - BOOM - you've got a whole bag of things to think in that little skit which covers your "Predicament", "Ambiguity", "Stranded", "Doubtful" and more. If you are worried we readers are missing a subtle aspect of the story, then yes you can tell me, but don't force feed me thoughts.
You can do better than than telling she has thoughts. Read this: https://litreactor.com/essays/chuck-palahniuk/nuts-and-bolts-“thought”-verbs
That's what I'm looking for. Thank you very much Myindeeds. I bookmarked that site you recommended for reference. The Millipede Bugs the Astronaut Pt. 01
I read until your "* * * *" pagebreak when I realised you have a strong style to your writing. I'm only commenting on the technical aspect of your writing, I don't have anything to say about the humour and the story ideas.
- Weak opening sentence. If sentence 2,3 & 4 were combined & pruned into one sentence then you may have the makings of a good opening sentence. Your first sentence must have something interesting with an action to focus on, what I got was a mini-exposition dump. So that does mean I also think sentences 2,3&4 suck.
- I think sentences 2,3&4 are sucky because it feels like you are writing by shorthand, as in you are taking shortcuts to tell the story instead of showing us.
You are telling me she is in a predicament, you are telling me the situation has ambiguity - OK, how and why? You are telling us what we should be thinking which means you aren't allowing me to figure the story out for myself. It's your job as the writer to take the time to think about story and find a clever way to show it to me. Allow me as the reader to feel intelligent through my comprehension of the story. It is as simple as having her Space Map device go haywire and having the narration explain she hasn't seen anything like that in all her years exploring space - BOOM - you've got a whole bag of things to think in that little skit which covers your "Predicament", "Ambiguity", "Stranded", "Doubtful" and more. If you are worried we readers are missing a subtle aspect of the story, then yes you can tell me, but don't force feed me thoughts.
- It's not just sentence 2,3&4, it is throughout the rest of your story.
- You use too many short sentences. Start with a sentence proposition, then add a more general phrase which develops on the same idea, then add more phrases which continue on the forward momentum going towards the generalised idea of the sentence unless you loop back with a parenthetical aside. Allow your sentences to ramble so you can have the range to have contrast in your short sentences.
- She "thought" how she missed other escape pods.
It is part of the same problem you have telling me the story rather than making the effort to put these thoughts into action.
