New Dom

[Adorie]

I need advice and figured this was the best place to do it

I have been seeing someone...and picked up that he was a sub.
Tonite he confirmed it, he said

Im YOUR Sub
Straddle my face, bite, punch, scratch, don't hold back, tie me down and do it!!!
Tell me what to do
So I said I could take control and be his Dom
He said agreed


OMGGGG...I have nooo idea what im doing..ive never been in a dom/sub relationship, I asked him to let me know when we could meet....not even sure I should of done that or I should of just said "lets meet thurs"..LOL

Anyway....id appreciate any links...discussions....pointers....I want to do this, I just don't know how.

 

[IvanMazlow]

Okay. Uh. Wow.

Well, lemme be frank here. The way you describe this puts up so many red flags that it's hard to know where to start. The only reason my advice isn't 'make tracks and don't look back' is because you said you've been seeing this person for a while, and presumably there's some degree of trust or attachment built. I also assume that regardless of what is advised here, you're probably going to end up playing with this, anyway.

Just to put it in context, announcing 'I'm your sub' is a bit like announcing 'I'm your boyfriend/girlfriend'. Does that sound like something stable people do? It doesn't really work that way. And most people might be forgiven for assuming that the person who does so might be just a touch on the volatile side.

My first suggestion is to go to https://howtobdsm.wordpress.com/ and read everything there. Twice. Not to shamelessly self promote, but I literally just started a blog partially aimed at new dominants like, two weeks ago. So, pretty much the advice I'd give you is right there.

Second, sit down and talk about this with this person. Like, clothed at a table, drinking coffee with no restraints or fetish gear involved. Sit down like rational adults discussing a mature relationship, which is what this is supposed to be.

First be open about your lack of experience and anxiety on the topic, and tell this person that you're not going to let them rush you into things that you're not comfortable with. That really wouldn't be any way to start being dominant, anyway, would it?

Next talk about his wants, in as detailed fashion as possible. This will probably take up most of that engagement on thurday. That's good. Think of it like a cooling down waiting period when buying a gun. Specific images and activiities, frequency, conditions; spell it all out and get as vivid of an mage as you can of what he visualizes happening when you're domming him. Because frankly, a long list of violent sounding verbs does not make a solid ouline for relationship.

Then take that image and walk it backwards in the direction of something remotely sane for a beginner. It might sound something like, "Sorry, I'm not going to chain you up and take a singletail whip to your back until it's hamburger and I'm answering tricky questions at the local emergency room. But, if you feel strongly about it, I'll tie your wrists with a tea towl and spank your ass with a belt a few times, and we'll see how that goes."

You wanna be a dominant? Remember then that all the responsibility for what happens in play is on a dominant's shoulders. So if this goes psycho, it's on you. That's what dominant means; no excuses. All of it. You're supposed to be in charge and making the decisions. Usually the crazy stuff doesn't sound quite so attractive when you think about being accountable for the results.

 

[MeekMe]

I need advice and figured this was the best place to do it

I have been seeing someone...and picked up that he was a sub.
Tonite he confirmed it, he said

Im YOUR Sub
Straddle my face, bite, punch, scratch, don't hold back, tie me down and do it!!!
Tell me what to do
So I said I could take control and be his Dom
He said agreed


OMGGGG...I have nooo idea what im doing..ive never been in a dom/sub relationship, I asked him to let me know when we could meet....not even sure I should of done that or I should of just said "lets meet thurs"..LOL

Anyway....id appreciate any links...discussions....pointers....I want to do this, I just don't know how.

Welcome to the forum Adorie. It's great that you're willing to try something new. ^_^

To start with, here's a link from the BDSM Library about past discussions on dominance. Take a look through there and get some ideas, there are a lot of different POVs and it's great to see the different approaches.

You'll find some resources links here.

I suggest having an honest, open discussion with him to let him know you aren't experienced but you're willing to learn with him. Think about what you want and what you don't want, make a list of limits. You get to have limits as much as he does and you both need to be aware of them. Try a BDSM checklist to see what you both have an interest in.

Another thing to consider is if you want a 24/7 dynamic, just in the bedroom, or something that happens when the mood strikes. There is no 'one twue way' so you both get to decide what it is you want in your relationship. Check the link in my signature to see some of the different dynamics and how they work.

You wanna be a dominant? Remember then that all the responsibility for what happens in play is on a dominant's shoulders. So if this goes psycho, it's on you. That's what dominant means; no excuses. All of it. You're supposed to be in charge and making the decisions. Usually the crazy stuff doesn't sound quite so attractive when you think about being accountable for the results.

I disagree with this ^^^. Talk with your partner about your expectations and find out what his are. All of the responsibility does not rest on the dominant's shoulders. You take most of the responsibility, but being a 'sub' does not make them any less responsible for themselves and their own safety.

Speaking of safety, after you've both discussed what it is you like and want to do, read up on those activities. Many activities may seem relatively harmless, but can cause major injuries, so just be aware of the risks before you begin.

One last thing, you can be yourself. Have fun exploring and do things at your own pace. Stick around and join in on the many threads we have here.

Some more helpful links to current discussions and some commonly referred to resources:

Stella's Post

Switching?

New Mistress

There's a lot more just take a look around. Good luck!

 

[Adorie]

Thank you both for the advice and the links, ill be reading.
I am not worried about him going psycho on me, I have been his friend for over 20 years so the trust between us has more than been built.....We just went past that friendship boundary about 6 months ago...and he was throwing hints about the dom/sub....which I did pick up on, but didn't follow thru with...So I think he felt the need to say it...because after he said "i want to be your sub" and I responded....he said...now you are learning!
I felt "duh" LOL

Im open to this..just very new.

 

[IvanMazlow]

Oh! Well, that changes things a bit!

A lot of the tone in my post was based on the assumption that how long you've known him was measured in weeks or months, not decades. Sorry for assuming, there. Maybe after reading years of people talking about people finding new play partners, I've become a bit unproductively jaded.

Yes, that's a horse of a different color. Actually, then, I think it's great that after all this time you're both self actualized enough to consider such a change in your relationship. I salute you!

The substance of the advice still stands. Talk frankly about wants and expectations and then come up with a reasonable way to get your feet wet playing. Also, in light of this, I'd say to avoid making long range, sweeping decisions about details until you have experimented a bit. It's hard to know if you really want to be 24/7, for example, until you've actually played out a few hours of it. Finding where to start is much more valuable than trying to decide where you want to go.

 

[SirenDenied]

There was some great advice and links. Definitely research is more than just good, it's invaluable. And now my advice, for once you get into the situation having all your research and advice in your mind.

Don't over think. As a sub who has been involved with a number of Dom/mes, including those with little or no experience, I've seen the shouldered responsibility and fear of hurting the sub utterly paralyze tops.

Walk into the early scenes with firm lines in your mind (this I can do, these things I won't) and at least some plan. Start with simple things like a blindfold and then he's not allowed to move and bare hands only for yourself. Just one example of unlimited possibilities but you get the drift.

Then just do it. You'll be nervous. You'll be worried. And hopefully also excited by it all. You need to trust your new sub who sounds like he has some experience. You need to be clear that he should absolutely tell you if something is wrong. And then trust him to tell you. Don't second guess yourself or him.

Starting to Dom is a big step. You are purposefully crossing lines that you have been ingrained from childhood to not cross. Don't hit people. Be nice. Treat others as you want to be treated. It can be mentally jarring to take those first steps. It feels wrong, even if it also feels very sweetly right at the same time. Just remember that those feelings are normal and also something that you'll need to work through before, during, and after the scene.

It sounds like there is respect on both sides. He should respect you enough to let you know how things are going as needed and you can respect him to know himself. And you need to trust yourself to not go crazy, not purposefully cause harm, and all those other bad things. The fact that you are asking these questions is a great sign that you won't go too far. Just don't be so crippled by worry that you don't go anywhere at all.

Best of luck to you both!

 

[Adakgirl]

Im YOUR Sub
Straddle my face, bite, punch, scratch, don't hold back, tie me down and do it!!!
Tell me what to do
So I said I could take control and be his Dom
He said agreed

Seems he's already topping you by telling YOU what to do.

 

[MeekMe]

Seems he's already topping you by telling YOU what to do.

Given that that's probably just paraphrasing, I wouldn't be so quick to say someone is "topping from the bottom." That phrase bothers me immensely as it tends to keep subs from stating their wants/needs/limits. Let's not jump to conclusions and keep someone from communicating effectively.

 

[Adakgirl]

ohum;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

 

[Adakgirl]

Well you do have a point there. However, you may have taken the tone of my reply in the wrong manner. Those were not my intentions at all. I said what
I said because I read it as this person is telling her what to do to him in order to please him, with no real prior discussion concerning whether doing those things might please her as well. This sub is expressing his wants and needs quite openly.
I do apologize for using a certain word that might prevent subs from having the will and courage to communicate honestly and openly with a dominant.

 

[IrisAlthea]

To me it sounded more like a bunch of suggestions/descriptions in the heat of the moment rather than a laundry list of demands while negotiating.
Personally, I think it's a good thing in many cases to discuss these things very openly. Not every relationship is going to be all in D/s 24/7 and the idea behind topping from the bottom may not apply at all.

Adorie, I think it's a good idea to think about why you want to do this and what kind of experience you are looking for when you agree to do this.
What makes it hot and interesting to you? What kind of things are you interested in controling? Are there things you have little or no interest in at the moment?