New author seeking comments on first story.

[Rexxblayze]

Here are the first few paragraphs of the latest draft. ...

Jennifer and Becky admired the workmanship of the invitation, a master crafted scroll. Jen said, "This thing is amazing. It looks ancient, like an artifact that would have magical powers."

Becky giggled, "Right, I bet it makes you want to fuck the football players." Becky already knew that was what Jen wanted to do.

Jen's fingers tingled as she unrolled the invitation. "This parchment looks ancient, with frayed edges and dark ink. The letters look like they are trying to jump off the page." As she observed the letters glimmering faintly in the soft dorm-room light. The scroll seemed to pulse under her touch, like it had a heartbeat of its own. She swallowed, shivers running up her spine, half from excitement, half from something darker.

Becky noticed Jen's reaction and asked, "What the fuck... You looked like you just had a corn cob shoved up your ass."

Jen was exhilarated by what she saw, "It's extremely eerie that you mentioned the football players. This invitation is for the Halloween party at Planter's Hall." This dorm was notorious for sexual activity, as the ladies had discovered earlier in the semester.

Becky smirked, "Remember the six football players and the intense full penetration. We 'were' the party."

Jen felt a weakness in her knees and a tingle between her legs. "How can I ever forget, three football players with their cocks all pumping with the same rhythm."

Becky exclaimed, "Speaking of rhythm, what's going on with that invitation? That thing looks like it's vibrating"

Jen replied, "I feel energy when I hold this, like it's talking to me. I believe it 'is' magic."

Becky laughed and teased, "Sure, it will probably fill your dreams with beasts that all want to fuck you."

 

[Gamblnluck]

Gonna have to provide much more than that. I'd suggest you check around and find a beta reader for it.

 

[dirk2024]

Here are the first few paragraphs of the latest draft. ...

How many words are in the story? What category do you intend to place it in?

 

[Rexxblayze]

Gonna have to provide much more than that. I'd suggest you check around and find a beta reader for it.

Thank you for responding to my post. And thanks for the recommendations. This is all new to me and I am still adjusting.

 

[Rexxblayze]

How many words are in the story? What category do you intend to place it in?

I think it will be around 10,000 words, primarily group sex.

 

[Rexxblayze]

I want to gain an understanding of how readers will react to various characteristics that could be included. If I put the story in Group Sex, how would readers react to some chapters having MM, FF, FMM? Is there a limit where sexual content (or explicit wording) makes the story undesirable, or distasteful, for readers? I have read the guidelines, and never write underage or non-consenting sex. Some chapters have incest sex between consenting adults. It includes some fantasy dream including sex between humans and mythical creatures.

 

[dirk2024]

I want to gain an understanding of how readers will react to various characteristics that could be included. If I put the story in Group Sex, how would readers react to some chapters having MM, FF, FMM? Is there a limit where sexual content (or explicit wording) makes the story undesirable, or distasteful, for readers? I have read the guidelines, and never write underage or non-consenting sex. Some chapters have incest sex between consenting adults. It includes some fantasy dream including sex between humans and mythical creatures.

I'll send you a DM.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I think it’s a great start, it captures the imagination, I would encourage you to continue writing the story.

 

[darwin1859]

I, personally, have a strong preference that you write the dialog in such a way that each line of dialog begins a new paragraph. So, I'd write:

Jennifer and Becky admired the workmanship of the invitation, a master crafted scroll.

"This thing is amazing. It looks ancient, like an artifact that would have magical powers," Jen said.

"Right," Becky giggled, "I bet it makes you want to fuck the football players." Becky already knew that was what Jen wanted to do.

BTW, that's not clear... How is an "invitation" like an ancient artifact that has magical powers? Even for a scroll, that sounds implausible. And artifacts make Jen DTF? In this brief intro, Jen (the DTF slut) seems a lot more serious than Becky... Seems like it should be reversed? Anyway, readers are willing to suspend belief to a degree, but if each paragraph requires a lot of faith, you'll lose a lot of readers. Aside from this, I'd say it's well-written. I think you have a hook at the front, which is great. I'd encourage you to develop it into a story and ask for feedback (or help editing).

 

[MythicMind]

Here are the first few paragraphs of the latest draft. ...

First, I add to the applause for jumping in with your first story.

Now then....

My first thought is that these two aren't talking like real people. Since they're talking about dorms and football players, I assume these are normal humans in our world, more or less. Try to give them regular speech with typical diction. This is a big part of what brings characters to life and makes them believable.

Second, you need a clear cause-and-effect relationship between actions. For instance, how does holding a scroll make one want to fuck football players? It's okay if a character wants this, but you need a reason to bring it up.

Since you are writing in third person, you can put a lot of this into the narrator's voice. For instance:

Jen and Becky both gazed at the scroll, currently unrolled on their dorm-room desk. It looked like genuine parchment—the edges were frayed and the paper had a crinkly, ancient feel. However, the letters themselves pulsed with a faint, magical light, almost as if it were a living thing.

"Woah," said Jen.

"Yeah, no kidding," said Becky.

"Check it," said Jen, "It's an invitation to the Halloween party at Planter's Hall!"

This dorm was notorious for sexual activity, as the girls had discovered earlier in the semester. The dorm was filled with lots of guys on the football team, and they often volunteered their services to "assess" the freshmen girls who were trying to get into various sororities. Jen and Becky both went through their gauntlet, being penetrated in nearly every way by six different players. They were both getting wet recalling the memory.

This is just an example. You could do a lot better than what I just gave, but it's an example of letting the narrator describe the amazing stuff and letting your characters use real language.

Hope this helps.