new author needing help on dialogue

[pink poison]

hey all , i recently posted my first story and apparently i need some help on dialogue. i am looking for contructive help - what i have gottten so far is that it basically sucks. so if you have any suggestions, please let me know!
thanks!
~pink

crossing the line, group sex, pink poison 3/18/06

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=246950

 

[bobocity]

Calm down, now ...

It's not the worst story I've ever read. There are some problems, but you could either fix them or take them as lessons for the next thing you write.

For example:

1. You start the story in the third person ("Don't feel too sorry for him," said Blakely. "I am sure he is drunk at some beach bar right now with his face buried in someone chicks' chest. But I appreciate you guys bringing me out tonight so I didn't have to sit home alone."), then shift to first-person ("I remember thinking I must had died and gone to heaven. Here I had a magnificent cock in my mouth and a hot chick ready to eat my sweet pussy. I used my long red nails to slowly tease Gavin's ass and heard another groan of approval.")

2. Blakely? I've nevr heard that as a first name.

3. You use terms like "hard muscles" several times in the story, and a couple of other cliches like "his heavy balls filling with excitement". I've never felt my balls fill with excitement, and I have been excited.

It would be nice to get a sense of who these people are, rather than a laundry list of penis size, etc. Why do they go away? How often? Has there ever bee nflirting like that before? What was the reason Cole used to not go? Give the reader a sense that these are real people, not just cardboard.

Hope that helps.

BBcty.

hey all , i recently posted my first story and apparently i need some help on dialogue. i am looking for contructive help - what i have gottten so far is that it basically sucks. so if you have any suggestions, please let me know!
thanks!
~pink

crossing the line, group sex, pink poison 3/18/06

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=246950

 

[Penelope Street]

The dialogue does seem a little stiff. In real life, how often do we speak in complete, proper sentences more than a clause or two in length? Crisp exchanges tend to be more common. More contractions and sentence fragments might help too.

I also get the impression, especially in the opening, that the characters are telling one another things that the author believes I need to know, instead of things people would really say. Of course, we often need to get our characters to do just that and it isn't always easy. Go figure.

 

[kbate]

Read your dialogue out loud, to yourself. This simple exercise picks up most of the inconsistent phrases and helps keep the characters speaking in the same manner throughout the story. Read it once as Character A, again as Character B, and so on.

Your ears are a better barometer of improper dialogue than your eyes.


*****

and story review just for fun.

Opening - cole is gone for the day, weekend.. whatever. 4 paragraphs later. at the club it reads as if she is dancing with him. You need to work on subjects, make certain that if you speak of one character in a paragraph, you clarify whose actions you are dealing with later in the paragraph.

The dialogue isn't that bad, but a little formal/stiff for sexual banter.
"that is the plan" isn't bad, but "That's the plan" is more natural, and "That is the plan." changes the emphasis.

someone chicks chest - error early in the para 2.
You know the down fall is - downfall is one word

overall not a bad story, just not overly exciting.

 

[Guest]

Read your dialogue out loud, to yourself. This simple exercise picks up most of the inconsistent phrases and helps keep the characters speaking in the same manner throughout the story. Read it once as Character A, again as Character B, and so on.

Your ears are a better barometer of improper dialogue than your eyes.

Grr... K, you said exactly what I was going to say, lol. But PinkPoison, she's right, right, right! Another thing you might want to do is have someone else read it BEFORE you post, several someone's if possible, and have them leave notes or suggestions in the text for you to read through and see from teh same point in the story that they did.

 

[pink poison]

Thanks

Thanks to each of you that has responded, I appreciate it. Your info will help me on the next submission. The thing that is killing me is that much of my dialogue was changed by an editor and "tightened up". So I guess my question should have read, can anyone give me tips on finding a good editor???? Yes all of us missed the change in view and the few grammatical errors, but hey ~ it was a starting point!
Thanks again!
pink

 

[Guest]

Advice

First piece of advice. Never post or send a story anywhere until you have let it sit untouched and unread for twelve hours after the first draft. After the piece ages for a bit, PRINT out a hard copy and then read it aloud. You will immediately hear how the dialogue truly sounds. If you are stumbling, so is the reader. Keep a pencil handy, circle those places so you know where to edit.

Second piece of Advice. Never, never, and I do mean "never" write a story and send it right in for posting! We may think we have created a masterpiece, but we are wrong... Always edit!

Third piece of advice. Never do this, "Yes." I said to her as I sat and did and thought and walked... Get it?

 

[CopyCarver]

Thanks to each of you that has responded, I appreciate it. Your info will help me on the next submission. The thing that is killing me is that much of my dialogue was changed by an editor and "tightened up". So I guess my question should have read, can anyone give me tips on finding a good editor???? Yes all of us missed the change in view and the few grammatical errors, but hey ~ it was a starting point!
Thanks again!
pink

The shift in POV and the failure to "show, not tell" are the biggies, but--as you say--everyone has to start somewhere and move on from there.

The best way to find a good editor might be to post on the Editor's Forum and trade a few PMs with those who respond, just to make sure you're on the same page. There are some excellent editors volunteering here.

 

[janiexx]

The best way to find a good editor might be to post on the Editor's Forum and trade a few PMs with those who respond, just to make sure you're on the same page. There are some excellent editors volunteering here.

I'll second that!

janiexx

 

[Ygraine]

More suggestions on dialogue

Hi pink poison

For a first posting, I think your story is very good and shows great potential.

I'd echo what the others have said about dialogue, but add a few more general points.

Written dialogue is not the same as spoken. As with all writing, every word has to count. When you've written your story and left it to cool down for a couple of days, go back and remove every surplus and, that and anything else which does not add meaning and value to the sentence.

As mentioned before, reading your piece out loud does help to highlight grammatical gliches and shows whether or not the writing lives. Try to be kind to your reader and think which tense you need to be using at a particular point. Also check for repetitions of words or phrasing in adjoining paragraphs or sentences. Use a Thesaurus if you get stuck for different ways of saying the same thing or leave it out all together. Does it really need to be there?

The other issue I'd like to raise - and this is something all new writers need to think about - is the use of adjectives and adverbs. Is it absolutely necessary for a dick to be "hot" or a pussy "glistening"? Again go back to the question, can this noun or verb stand by itself, what does the describing word add to the admosphere, drama, understanding of the characters, character development etc etc.

Having said all that, there is not much you will have to do to transform your story from a good one into a great one. Be aware of what you're doing, ask yourself questions and continue your evident enjoyment in what you do.

Good luck!

Ygraine

 

[CopyCarver]

Hi pink poison

For a first posting, I think your story is very good and shows great potential.

I'd echo what the others have said about dialogue, but add a few more general points.

Written dialogue is not the same as spoken. As with all writing, every word has to count. When you've written your story and left it to cool down for a couple of days, go back and remove every surplus and, that and anything else which does not add meaning and value to the sentence.

As mentioned before, reading your piece out loud does help to highlight grammatical gliches and shows whether or not the writing lives. Try to be kind to your reader and think which tense you need to be using at a particular point. Also check for repetitions of words or phrasing in adjoining paragraphs or sentences. Use a Thesaurus if you get stuck for different ways of saying the same thing or leave it out all together. Does it really need to be there?

The other issue I'd like to raise - and this is something all new writers need to think about - is the use of adjectives and adverbs. Is it absolutely necessary for a dick to be "hot" or a pussy "glistening"? Again go back to the question, can this noun or verb stand by itself, what does the describing word add to the admosphere, drama, understanding of the characters, character development etc etc.

Having said all that, there is not much you will have to do to transform your story from a good one into a great one. Be aware of what you're doing, ask yourself questions and continue your evident enjoyment in what you do.

Good luck!

Ygraine

At the risk of "information overload," I'll add that another difference between expository writing dialogue is that people tend to speak more informally than we write--whether they're longshoremen or college professors. Contractions are the norm in dialogue, and there are many sentence fragments." Oddly enough, really proper usage sounds very artificial when consistently used in dialogue.

 

[LadyCibelle]

I'll second that!

janiexx

I'll third that!