New Author, First Poem

[MarlboroWoman]

Greetings fellow authors. I've lurked at Lit for quite some time, enjoying the board, the stories and everything else. After much consideration, I finally decided to bite the bullet and post a poem.

I would very much appreciate your feedback on my first attempt. Good or bad, all feedback is helpful. I've included the URL to "Just To Know You're Alive" for your convenience.

Thank you for allowing me to become a part of such a great organization. I look forward to your comments.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=78637

 

[hiddenself]

Poem, not a story?

As a poem, it did not really 'talk' to me. It felt like a story forced into the guise of a poem. Plus, it was way too long for a poem (me thinks).

An interesting experiment would be for you to write the same thing up as prose and see how it goes....

Don't let that trouble you. Write on!

hs

 

[Chicklet]

you also might try posting in "poetry feedback" for real poetry fanatics = ) (not so big on poetry, myself)

Chicklet

 

[MarlboroWoman]

Re: Poem, not a story?

As a poem, it did not really 'talk' to me. It felt like a story forced into the guise of a poem. Plus, it was way too long for a poem (me thinks).

An interesting experiment would be for you to write the same thing up as prose and see how it goes....

Don't let that trouble you. Write on!

hs

hiddenself, thank you so much. I have to agree with you; it is quite long. I will, however, give your suggestion a go. Who knows what will happen!

 

[MarlboroWoman]

you also might try posting in "poetry feedback" for real poetry fanatics = ) (not so big on poetry, myself)

Chicklet

Thanks, Chicklet. I took your suggestion and also posted this thread on Poetry feedback.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

There's nothing that says a poem has to be short. And I don't mind seeing poetry posted here. (Having pretty much upset everyone on the poetry board some months ago by telling them that most of their poems were just plain bad, I don't go there much anymore. In all fairness to some good poets they have there, I'd only read a few poems when I made my judgment.)

The poem is fine as far as it goes. Here's what I wonder though:
The poem recounts a very nice love-making session between you and your lover. But what in that is of interest to us? We read it and say, "Oh that's nice. They love each other and have great sex." Maybe that's the entire message or purpose of the poem, just to say that. If so, you've got to realize that that isn't necessarily of great interest to other people.

Really, I'm not trying to be flip or smart here. What I'm trying to do is force you deeper. The poem obviously has great meaning and import to you. You love this guy and you love having sex with him and the way he makes you feel, and that's really what you're trying to say. But you don't say it. Instead you describe a love-making session. You tell us how you feel sexually and how you love him, but poetry has to do more than that. You've got to tell us just what loving him feels like to you.

That's why the poem comes off kind of a prose piece in verse. Prose is where we tell what happened. Poetry should take us deeper down to where things get muddy and emotional. (Either that or it should reinterpret the world for us and make us see things in a new and fresh way.)

Well, that's the same thing I said when I got chased out of the poetry group altogether, so I'd take it with a grain of salt. It's a very good poem for what I've seen for Literotica. I'm just hoping someday I'll see a great poem here.

Regards,

---dr.M.

 

[MarlboroWoman]

snip ... The poem obviously has great meaning and import to you. You love this guy and you love having sex with him and the way he makes you feel, and that's really what you're trying to say. But you don't say it. Instead you describe a love-making session. You tell us how you feel sexually and how you love him, but poetry has to do more than that. You've got to tell us just what loving him feels like to you. ... snip

This is the type of feedback I have so desparately been seeking. After reading your reply to my original post, I re-read my "poem" (probably for the millionth time) and you are right ... I'm describing a lovemaking session but not the feelings associated with it. There's nothing to grab a reader. There's nothing that leaves a reader breathless. And while it does have meaning to me, it doesn't mean diddly to anyone else.

dr_mabeuse, thank you for your candor. It is much appreciated.