New at this, need advice, D/s relationship

[Babygirl0917]

So hey, I'm sure most of yall won't find this awkward considering we're all on this.. But I really need some advice or help. My fiance recently told me he wants me to be his "dominatrix" . I've seen and heard of this life style but the thing is... I have no fucking idea where to start... AT ALL. lol if.anyone intends to leave rude comments just leave, I'm actually interested in doing this... Help me please? Anyone! You can private message me if you would like

 

[CutieMouse]

A good starting point might be to ask him how he defines "dominatrix". What does he want, expect, and need? This isn't D/s time (yet); everyone involved (including you) needs to be able to speak freely, so informed decisions can be made.

 

[lawn]

Try the better 'tube' type porn sites such as Aloha.com. Click on 'Fetish', or 'Domination', or Mistress, etc. There will be enough porn there to give you a rough idea of what might be expected of you.

However, talk to your guy to know his limits or lack there of.

 

[BrightlyGo]

He waited until you were engaged to spring this on you?

Broadly, i think there are two ways you might approach this:

1) Take the lead. Even though he obviously knows more about this than you do, if you do some soul-searching and decide that you /do/ have an impulse to be dominant and in control of your relationship, and thus put him in a corresponding submissive position, don't worry so much about the imagery and the existing sub-cultures out there. Just start doing what /you/ want. Be open with him, and listen to his needs, but pick and choose the stuff you find erotic. Try something and don't like it, you never do it again. Try something he asks for and like it, do it as much or as little as you want. Think of his list of fetishes and desires as a menu at an exotic restaurant. You read the menu, your order what sounds interesting, and if you taste it and don't like it, you send it back. Explore what he wants and find the things you like, and do those. If you start to uncover some more things you like, go ahead and do those, too, as long as he can handle them.

2) Cater to his fetish. If you don't feel that way, but you do want to please him, then, yes, ask him about what he needs, do research (like the porn sites someone mentioned - there are also some books out there (not 50 shades of grey), that go into 'the lifestyle,' or so i've heard, someone will hopefully be along with the titles...) into similar fetishes, get the right outfits and toys, and block out times when you'll step into his idea of the 'dominatrix' role and fulfill his fantasies. For the sake of your well-being and your relationship, though, do /not/ let focusing on his needs like that pressure you into doing things you're uncomfortable with, and do insist that your own needs be met, too. (If you need him to be romantic or be a 'real man' with you some of the time, then he should exert himself to provide that.) Outside of those sessions, you can live whatever kind of lives with eachother you're comfortable with.


Notice that either way you have to get him to be honest with you about what he needs, and you have to assert your own needs and limits. He can't just say 'dominatrix' and hope you'll start reading his mind, he has to be honest and lay it all out for you.

 

[subwannabe]

Read the Mistress Manual.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

In the BDSM Talk forum (supposed to be the more education oriented of the forums) you will find a sticky for the BDSM Library.

Because none of us know your fiance', or you, you will only get slightly better answers here than from strangers on a street corner.

He may want you dressed up in corset and lace stockings beating him with a crop. He might want you to dress him up in latex, put a ponytail butt plug in his arse and prance him around like a pony. He might want you to dress up in a Nazi uniform and torture his American spy for information.

We have no clue what he wants or means. Once you talk to him, start educating yourself. Read the books in the stickies - many are available for e-readers or as downloads. Get involved in your local scene. Ask specific questions here.

Google is your friend - just keep in mind that a lot of what you find out there is nothing but cyber-fantasy wank material. It's not intended to reflect healthy relationships or keep either party from harm. Discerning what's real, and/or sustainable in realtime from just hot, beat-off fantasy is sometimes a chore.

Good luck!

 

[minette05]

My fiance recently told me he wants me to be his "dominatrix" . I've seen and heard of this life style

First, wanting you to be his "dominatrix" and living a D/s lifestyle can be, and usually are, two widely, and wildly different things. I agree with the person who said you need to talk with your fiance' and find out just what he is asking for, desiring, seeking.

Does he want you to dress the part and satisfy a desire for him to not be in control during play time? Does he see a "dominatrix" as someone in sexy Corsets, severe lingerie, wielding floggers, crops, etc, etc. You can do a web search for these things and get all sorts of sites to pop up to guide you and give you ideas.

Does he want a D/s relationship, which is a very different thing than play time, in which you are the one in control of whatever the two of you define?

He's curious. You are curious. The important thing for you is that you do what feels right with yourself.

Open, honest communication. That's the key.