New at this..... feedback please?

[Sinsualmind]

Hello,

Just wanted to drop a line and ask for any critiquing on my first short story *Sexxy Tales: Traffic Jam* . I know it's in desperate need in all areas (lol), So i'd really appreciate any helpful feedback. Thanks

light
R~~~

(dear gawd don't hurt me too bad, lol)

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Not bad at all. It doesn't need serious help in any department, don't worry. The opening paragraph is clear, uncliched, and sets the scene properly, which puts it above the majority of contributions here.

Throughout the story the situation and actions are vividly described and the people's behaviour and reactions are natural. I could try and single out small points for constructive criticism, but I actually don't want to.

 

[Sinsualmind]

Thanks very much for the feedback Rainbow I know another good habit would be to read more of what's being posted as well, but sometimes I think that hurts me more than it helps me creatively.

Anyone have problems with that? Allowing another's work to set the tone for what or how you write?

just curious...

 

[BlackShanglan]

Liked the story ...

Hey there Sinsual. I read your story and posted a public comment on it. I quite liked it, so thanks for posting here and bringing it to my attention.

On the issue of allowing another author to help set your tone ... well, I am guilty of that at the moment, being in the midst of a story that I started after reading a really well-done work that I admired. I would say, though, that I think the key thing to me was that what I saw in the other author's work struck me immediately as what had been missing in mine and also that some of it was actually elements I had wanted to include, but had not because I was not sure of the patience / reading attention span / interest level on Literotica (being new). Seeing that another author had done well with a longer work that included more of the sorts of details I had wanted to pull in gave me some courage to go that way. Her work also reminded me that I have a sense of humor and I really must occasionally be a little less grimly serious about the whole business of sex Still working on that one!

Shanglan

 

[MaxSebastian]

I really liked it, although it did stop too soon! I bet you've had other people say that, too. But you're probably right to end it where you did - keep 'em keen and all that.

It was a nice little piece - clear, pacey, sensual. It could have done with a little more description in my opinion, but that's just my taste, it's pretty effective as it is. There was a little bit of a rush between where she's talking to Brian and where she first talks to the boyfriend - might be worth splitting that speech up a little more so it doesn't get confusing.

A couple of things I would say on the down-side is that Brian's dialogue seems slightly artificial here and there, not quite natural-sounding. And I'd say one problem is that the boyfriend is a blank character - we don't know anything about him, even his name. For me as a reader, I found I sympathised with poor Brian a little more (poor Brian!) and one of my main sentiments coming to the end of the story was - poor old Brian, doesn't he get something out of this? The poor guy was used.

Or did I miss a twist - was Brian the boyfriend?

Anyway, great job!

Max

 

[BlackShanglan]

Character of the boyfriend ...

I am going to argue with MaxSebastian here, and not just because he's got the same name as one of my characters

I liked the way you handled the boyfriend. If this was a longer piece, sure, I would want to see him more developed, but I quite like this story short. For me - and maybe my little English-major brain is reading way too much into this, but so be it - his presence over the cell phone really worked for me as a way of bringing him into the text in a deliberately bounded, purposefully constrained sort of way. The interlocuting device of the phone makes it clear that we are getting only a limited, girlfriend's-eye-view of him, and I liked that in that it bounded his role in a way that made it fit in a tightly constructed story while also acknowledging that his presence was being deliberately limited. You've left yourself room to expand him in another story or chapter if you like without sacrificing the stand-alone nature of this one.

I also liked the feeling you developed with her co-worker. Yes, we are a little sorry for him, but hey - he gets a little show, no one is cruel or vicious to anyone else, and we end up able to like the characters while also sharing his sense of frustration. Maybe it's just me, but I found it rather a relief that this did not turn into a story in which desire is supreme and automatically rewarded. Of course we all like getting our desires fulfilled But sometimes I tire of story after story in which desire implies obligation on the part of the desire's object - i.e., the object of desrie must either be overwhelmed with returned lust or punished for being a "tease" or "frigid" - or automatic fulfillment of all desires. I liked this story in that it felt more real to actual life and more sympathetic to everyone involved, ending with a teasing sense that to me felt realistic and pleasant.

But I will have to go with MaxSebastian on the dialogue. There are stilted parts here and there. Are you reading the dialogue out loud? Sometimes this helps me ... that is, my dialogue probably still sucks, but not quite as badly as it did pre-editing *grin* I like to rough the story out structurally and plot-wise and take a first stab at dialog and diction, then let it sit for a while and come back to it to polish, trim (LOTS of that) and re-hack the dialogue. Again, not that my results are anything to dance about, but I have drafts to prove that it *can* be worse

Shanglan

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I agree that his dialogue could do with a bit of looking at, polishing, but it's not a big thing.

I really agree that this stands alone as is. You don't want to extend it, bring other events or people in, show closures, or anything like that. It reminds me very much of a short film, five or ten minutes, such as you might see between programmes. It tracks people, it gives a slice of their life, and it's under no obligation to round it out with a beginning, middle, and end. There's a hand-held cinema feel to it: this is a certain span of a certain day, and here's a bit to think about, and that's it. Very enjoyable on that basis: I haven't seen one that does that that well.

 

[Kirk482002]

Real nice piece of writing.

I am a big fan of dialog driven stories. Hell, if you read any of mine, you'd know that. I find this story quick and to the point. Sure, if you want to expand it, develope the characters more. I think you did a great job of keep it going without holding the story up with useless info that doesn't help the plot or flow of the story.
Good job!

Kirk482002

My stuff:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=261623&page=submissions

My E-mail:

KIRK19055@aol.com

 

[Sinsualmind]

Thanks!

well wow

Thanks you guys for the feedback AND ideas. And thank you Black and Kirk for posting your comments to the feedback area, I truly appreciate that you took the time to do so.

Shanglan-- I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and I think you and I do the same thing when it comes to the 'influence by someone else's work'. I just don't follow that route enough-- you know, allowing it to help me or apply a certain focus to areas, so I need to practice that a little more. I agree with your take on people with significant others who have 'sudden urges' in these stories, and how they ALWAYS seem to act on them. And you're right, at least Brian got a show. But who knows, maybe later (if I write more on Janae) they'll get to know each other better, maybe not.

Max-- Thanks for reading and offering your critique! and yes, you're right, some people thought it was short, lol. But I think that comes from me writing what I like to read. I hate reading things with toooooo much description, or unnecessarry dialogue/set-up. I think sometimes when you write a short story, (or even longer ones) being too descriptive can actually take the reader away from the story. I understand that's not what you mean, but when I PERSONALLY get too descriptive, I tend to do that, so I try to avoid putting the reader through my babbling--- (probably like i'm doing in this post, lol) AND, you are also another Brian sympathizer, lol. His dialogue, IMO, was enough for his character to show interest in her, and to allow the reader to see that it's possible that he's been paying her some attention in the past-- which gives a very very 'SLIGHT' history of sorts(?) But that's an interesting idea, to make him the boyfriend at the end

Rainbow-- you are right, I think I need to polish up their dialogue as well. You are right on the same trail of thinking as I am, in that I believe it is meant to be a 'short'. If it were a movie, it probably wouldn't even last 30 minutes, a quickie of sorts, lol. But looking at it overall, that's what she got out of the whole thing, a quickie!

Kirk-- I am going to read some of your stories today, because we both are dialogue fans. I don't mind reading narrative stories, there are some EXCELLENT one's here. But I like to hear what and how characters say things to each other.

Thanks so much again to all of you. All of your input has been very helpful!

light
R~~~