New: Assault with surprise turns

[tail_teller]

Do you have tastes that are weird and quirky? kinky to the point where people wonder...

The story has a few twists and surprising turns, and isn't that predictable, I think.

I've had zero feedback, so I'd appreciate some from the hardy souls. If it's crap, say why.

CAUTION: a graphic tale of an assault with a moderate degree of physical and high degree of emotional violence.

NOTE: This is NOT a tale of "Oh my god, I'm being raped, Omigod I'm coming!"

Thanks,

TT

 

[tail_teller]

I forgot the url, here it is:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=114752

TT

 

[maggie2002]

Unique way to look at a nonconsent rape story. I was fascinated by the whole story and it is not a subject I normally would read in the context of the park and a stranger rape. You handled it well

 

[tail_teller]

I appreciate your having a look Maggie. A lot of work went into that story. I've had no comments whatsoever. I think a story that is not in any usual category is likely to get ill-received.

Thanks again, and if you have any further thoughts or wish to say where, if anywhere, it grabbed you, I'd be delighted.

TT

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read the first Lit page and looked at the end. It was pretty strong stuff, but that's not why I bailed out. I think there was something about the writing that made the story very hard to understand in terms of just what was happening.

First of all, I got confused between Merissa and Chelsea and the girl he rapes. Is the girl Chelsea? Because you're talking about Chelsea and he's talking about getting even with her or something, and then all of a sudden here's this other girl with the lace-up sandals on. I take it she was some stranger? Where did he meet her? In a park? In the day time?

See, that's what bothered me in terms of getting a handle on what he was doing. Your narrator's tone is great. It gives a real over-the-edge feel to the story, but it also makes it hard to understand just what's going on, where they are, and how she's reacting. She seems to give in to him awfully easy, and things get very confused for me from then on. At the top of page two she starts talking like a longshoreman, which doesn't seem to jobe with the way she is at first.

I think most readers will be put off by the violence. Rape can be a common fantasy for men and women, but this rape is more about violence than it is about sex. The sex is just an excuse to hurt her and take out his rage, so after a while I didn't like this guy and wasn't interested in spending any more time with him. I wouldn't be surprised if this is why you're not getting any feedback.

---dr.M.

 

[tail_teller]

Thanks for your comments, dr. m. I'll certainly consider them in revising. I appreciate your taking some time, and will consider how additional clarity could be attained.

Sorry the story was not to your taste.

My impression is that you skimmed some key parts, since the girl in the park, as shown from the first exchange is neither Merissa, nor Chelsea, but a stranger. I guess the idea of being mad at ex girl friend (chelsea) and taking it out on a strange woman didn't get across.

I think another 'problem' with the story is that it's too tight; cut relentlessly; it's not a rambly skimmable ride to an expected and expectable sex scene.

It will likely be taken down and peddled somewhere else, if I can figure where.

Again, I appreciate your feedback. All kinds of comments of a thoughtful person, such as you, are ultimately useful.

TT.

I read the first Lit page and looked at the end. It was pretty strong stuff, but that's not why I bailed out. I think there was something about the writing that made the story very hard to understand in terms of just what was happening.

First of all, I got confused between Merissa and Chelsea and the girl he rapes. Is the girl Chelsea? Because you're talking about Chelsea and he's talking about getting even with her or something, and then all of a sudden here's this other girl with the lace-up sandals on. I take it she was some stranger? Where did he meet her? In a park? In the day time?

See, that's what bothered me in terms of getting a handle on what he was doing. Your narrator's tone is great. It gives a real over-the-edge feel to the story, but it also makes it hard to understand just what's going on, where they are, and how she's reacting. She seems to give in to him awfully easy, and things get very confused for me from then on. At the top of page two she starts talking like a longshoreman, which doesn't seem to jobe with the way she is at first.

I think most readers will be put off by the violence. Rape can be a common fantasy for men and women, but this rape is more about violence than it is about sex. The sex is just an excuse to hurt her and take out his rage, so after a while I didn't like this guy and wasn't interested in spending any more time with him. I wouldn't be surprised if this is why you're not getting any feedback.

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

It's not all together clear to someone who read the entire story either.

For me, the story was very hard to follow from the very beginning. It had a *rambling* feel to it, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but in this story, it had me pretty lost before the story ever began.

It has some good elements, but imo, it needs to be shaped up a bit more. It's still a little rough around the edges.

 

[tail_teller]

OK, guys, I had a look, and I saw that a crucial line marker got dropped, somehow. You will see it restored below. Also, I've tried to clarify the two women, in those key opening paragraphs.
I hope this is more satisfactory. Thanks for the feedback, CR and dr m. (If CM would like to say where the story 'rambles', I'd appreciate that.)


========

PROUD
By Tail_Teller ©
Does God just make senseless things happen, for some weird reasons we'd never understand? Merissa got me thinking; the Goth girl, barely legal and working in the same office, had been attracted to me, at first. After three or four visits to my apartment, sucking every last drop outa my cock, she decided we should be friends. She'd read a lot of the book of Job to me—often interrupting with 'dayum ain't that a fuck-up'—where God allows Satan to torture the shit outa some sonovabitch who never did anything bad. He then dresses Job down for bein' so bold as to question the Great Almighty, who rules the heavens and can loosen the bands of Orion and blah blah blah. God, if he's anywhere, was up there having a good belly laugh listening to Job, "I cry out to You, but You do not answer me"; hearing the pitiful sonovabitch's "why?"

I was asking myself that since the blowup with the skinny 25-year-old chick down the hall, me walking out on the titless bitch who'd provided a hot, handy fuck for several months so long as I complimented her slutty skills and listened to her 'pussy pointers' as Chelsea jokingly called her directions. At the point of leaving, I'd thought of smacking her just to shut off her last questions, then I realized there was something else, strange, boiling up inside me.

What it was, I figured out because Merissa had turned me onto Edgar Allan Poe, the miserable sonovabitch who'd died in the gutter, she said. Is that gonna happen to me? I kept wonderin' as the downsizing kept on at the Tribune. Maybe they'd consolidate my and Merissa's pitiful gopher jobs and keep her at the old rat pen for a bit of color—the black clothes, multiple lip and navel piercings in fine silver. She opened my eyes. OK, Job's Loving Almighty permits some vile shit down below, part of His plan, but how does it happen?

Poe said a person could just be seized by some perverse impulse to commit a pointless act of evil. Such senseless things would simply happen—or one would feel an unconquerable urge to do them—for no good reason. Now I could see the direct cause for many of the cruel pointless acts that so often afflict people. It wasn't just a light in my brain, but a sickening gut knowledge. I'd felt that urge as I was leaving Chelsea's apartment after our final fight.

Tossing in my bed those nights alone, I started thinking of those nonsensical acts of evil that some people do and the other miserable beings just suffer. The faithful cat in one Poe story had its eye cut out in the owner's fit of drunken sadism, then, its eye socket empty and open, had hung around, terrified, until its murder.

Finally, one hot night—it was towards the end of summer—after I was still sleepless at four in the morning, I saw. The senseless had happened to me long enough, thanks—Chelsea's perverse cruelty. I'd make it happen to someone else, pull that person's strings and see what that felt like. Yes, it was a crazy idea; like I'd know how God feels, chuckling up above as His pathetic creatures get fucked by the perverse sonsofbitches—then get to thinking it's the Divine Plan.

First I thought to try something on Chelsea 'caus'a those cocky statements, "I give the best blowjob on the east side!" Bullshit whore's pride. Not worth the effort. But I might like to direct another woman, about her age, for my experiment. Unloosing these perverse urges won't be a problem, I thought. I'll bring some nonsense shit into her life. Let the proud bitch crash into it and I'd taste that bizarre thrill the Creator—if there was one—must be getting. Tomorrow, in the park, I'd make it happen.
============

 

[Guest]

Rambling: well, that is just kind of the feel I got from it. Others may see it differently. Think of a conversation were two people are talking and one says, "Sorry, I was kind of ramblilng about there wasn't I?"

That's the feeling I get from the story. It may be intentional, but to me, it keeps the story from flowing well.
While reading it, I had to read over the first few paragraphs several times to understand what was going on. Had I been just reading the story for enjoyment, I would have back clicked almost immediately and found a different story.

All in all that is just my opinion, others may not think the same.