New and going carefully (warning long read)

[Wiltou]

My wife has started to, I guess you would say, come into her sexuality. For the major part of our marriage she was a take it or leave it person when it came to sex. I didn't fall in love with her or marry her for the sex I married her for her personality.

About a year ago she has started to open up and wants to explore this side of herself. After some prying slowly over time I have finally gotten her to open up about what she is willing to tell me about what she likes and dislikes. Bondage/lite discipline/being taken are some of her new interests in our relationship, humiliation/multiple partners aren't on the list.

With all this in mind we have agreed to ground rules and safe words. I have concerns that I may get over/under eager for her. If I go to far it will be fairly easy since the safe word is in place but under eager could be an issue and I am not sure she is being open enough yet to let me know.

So subs what are you thoughts on this? should I move forward and trust she will let me know if I am under performing for her or should I push the boundaries and trust that she wont let me push her farther than she is wanting?

 

[Primalex]

should I move forward and trust she will let me know if I am under performing for her or should I push the boundaries and trust that she wont let me push her farther than she is wanting?

Who is married to your wife?

 

[draig_OMalley2]

learning process

It's a learning process. You will stumble around a lot, especially at first. I recommend you get in the habit of reviewing frequently what has transpired between the two of you in regard to power exchange. The fact that she has opened up to you is a good sign that you will be able to do this. Have time-outs when anything can be discussed. Take what each other says to heart. Learning is always a bumpy road. As long as there are bumps, you are learning. Once you start to think it is easy, watch out! It's so easy for the human imagination to lull itself into a false sense of security. Don't be afraid to doubt yourselves, to question and challenge. Choosing to be a submissive is a very difficult thing. But it's worth it....

 

[Wiltou]

Who is married to your wife?

Guess I am not sure which way to take your response.

While I have a very Dom personality, with her just now starting to come forward I don't want to go overboard and ruin it for her and myself. Things are starting to take a turn for the better in our physical relationship and I am wanting to encourage this as much as possible . Later I can take my wants/desires in to consideration.

 

[Prof Bill]

No hurry

First, good for the both of you--it sounds as if you are really communicating and, in my experience, that's the most essential part of successful power exchanges and the "activities" which can accompany them.

My fellow Buckeye hit the nail on the head. Take breaks. Make sure it's what she wants and what you want. I remember one session I had with a sub that just didn't go well--I didn't like what we were doing but was positive it's what she wanted and she'd been very good so I was going to indulge her. She hated the session. When I learned that I asked whey she didn't safe word out of it and she said she thought I really wanted to do it. Well, hell.

Neither of you will like everything you explore. That's fine. Both of you will probably really enjoy some things. That's even better. Just remember, there's no rush.

Those who know me have heard this before. The Dom's duty is to take care of the sub and see to it that the sub has a satisfying experience. The sub's duty is to do everything possible to please the Dom. Keep those at the forefront of your thinking--and talk about these responsibilities--and you'll be fine.

 

[Wiltou]

The Dom's duty is to take care of the sub and see to it that the sub has a satisfying experience. The sub's duty is to do everything possible to please the Dom. Keep those at the forefront of your thinking--and talk about these responsibilities--and you'll be fine.

This is exactly what I have been trying to do. I find it to be a bit of a task since even though she is opening up to me finally I am not sure she is being completely open about everything she is wanting so I have taken my time to try to slowly pry out of her what I can in the hopes she will eventually trust me enough to tell me all her desires.

We are just now starting to get our collection together (toys and equipment not a lot of $ so we will have to take our time and make the best of what we can) and she has told me she is a bit nervous but trusts and hopes that she can count on me to push her to where she wants to go without hurting her. A Doms job isn't going to be easy since I don't have a crystal ball. I have always had these desires myself but have held back since she showed no interest earlier on.

Draig thanks for your response also. Every response that can help guide us to make it better is appreciated.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I have a feeling that your wife calls herself a sub because she doesn't know any other words. Indeed, a sub is supposed to do everything for the pleasure of the dominant, but that is not the only dynamic available in BDSM. read the essay linked in my signature, and-- have her read it too.

It is possible that she is submissive, but she and you should not take that for granted.
Likewise, you are quite right that you have no mind-reading abilities-- none of us do. Assuming this relationship is not total power exchange, she will have to stand up and talk out her desires like a grownup. Easy to say, hard as fuck to do!

 

[Primalex]

Guess I am not sure which way to take your response.

In a:"What next? Shall we tell you what the favorite color of your wife is?" way.

We have even less of an idea whether your wife prefers to have you "over" or "under" perform.

 

[Wiltou]

Thanks again Draig, Prof Bill and Stella for the helpful responses. It's the beginning, of what I'm not exactly sure of yet, but we will get it figured out.

 

[luvnmyboys]

I think you have to just test the waters and see where it goes since it sounds like you've already discussed a lot of things. If she hinted at anything specific she is curious about, then that's a good place to start. You will learn as you go what you both like. I would not start out trying to over perform. I would rather risk underwhelming since this is new for the both of you. Each time you try something, discuss how it went and then you'll start to figure out which directions you want to take things. This journey involves a lot of responsibility to communicate from both partners.

 

[Wiltou]

In a:"What next? Shall we tell you what the favorite color of your wife is?" way.

We have even less of an idea whether your wife prefers to have you "over" or "under" perform.

I understand what you are meaning Prim. I understand there is no way for someone else that has never met her to understand what she is thinking. Maybe poor way of asking on my part.

Maybe asking this way will make it easier. Subs when you where new to this did you prefer the Dom to ease you into this or take full control from the start? Remember I am new to this as well and there really isn't a step by step how to guide for each situation. I do appreciate your response.

 

[DVS]

I understand what you are meaning Prim. I understand there is no way for someone else that has never met her to understand what she is thinking. Maybe poor way of asking on my part.

Maybe asking this way will make it easier. Subs when you where new to this did you prefer the Dom to ease you into this or take full control from the start? Remember I am new to this as well and there really isn't a step by step how to guide for each situation. I do appreciate your response.

There is a step by step method for this.
1) Both of you read stories and investigate what you both enjoy. Read stories together, if you like, and communicate your likes and dislikes. Ask questions. Don't hold anything back. Be as descriptive as you can, when explaining what you like and don't like.

2) Put some of what you both enjoy into play. Maybe put some things she likes and you aren't sure about, or some things you like and she isn't sure about into play to see if they work. Experiment.

3) Have her set limits and you must abide by them. Then, decide on a safe word system so you can communicate without having to stop play and this system will also help her better communicate to you if she likes or doesn't like something you are doing.

4) Don't assume you are a dom and she is a sub. BDSM is just a term to start with. Don't read what a dom is and assume you have to fit into that definition. The same goes for her trying to fit into being submissive. Experiment, explore different things, and afterwards, talk over what worked and what didn't work. As you go along, you will both get better at understanding each other's preferences and you might not need the safe word system as much. But never lose it completely.

5) Always abide by her limits. Always stop, when she says stop. Develop a trusting relationship and before long, you'll be well on your way to a fun and satisfying kinky sex life.

 

[Netzach]

I understand what you are meaning Prim. I understand there is no way for someone else that has never met her to understand what she is thinking. Maybe poor way of asking on my part.

Maybe asking this way will make it easier. Subs when you where new to this did you prefer the Dom to ease you into this or take full control from the start? Remember I am new to this as well and there really isn't a step by step how to guide for each situation. I do appreciate your response.

You're going to get the full skittles rainbow of answers to that question, I know because I've wondered it myself about a lot of people.

There's no substitute for what you already know. Is she a talker who loves to emotionally process every little thing, or is she someone who'd rather you DO love stuff than SAY love stuff? Use what you know about her to make educated guesses. If you're worried about boring her, give her a way to let you know "ramp it up" without making it into a personal criticism - are you able to hear that without reading "you suck in bed!" into that? It's vital that you're willing to shed some ego and really listen and read what's there. If you do, you'll be just fine, you'll rock her world and her yours.

 

[Wiltou]

You're going to get the full skittles rainbow of answers to that question, I know because I've wondered it myself about a lot of people.

Learning this one real fast

There's no substitute for what you already know. Is she a talker who loves to emotionally process every little thing, or is she someone who'd rather you DO love stuff than SAY love stuff?

She likes TALK during, she is more of the getting into it mentally. However is the one who has initiated after I have given up on this idea years ago.

Use what you know about her to make educated guesses. If you're worried about boring her, give her a way to let you know "ramp it up" without making it into a personal criticism - are you able to hear that without reading "you suck in bed!" into that?

Yes. I have no problem with her letting me know that she would prefer a different way or not into this or that.

It's vital that you're willing to shed some ego and really listen and read what's there. If you do, you'll be just fine, you'll rock her world and her yours.

That's what seems to be the way the reply's are leaning and pretty much what I have read and understand from others. I have no problem with this. Trust me after putting a lot of my urges on the back burner for years now that it looks like I may be able to satisfy some I am wanting to make sure it happens. I have actually got her reading responses on here to see what she thinks as well.

 

[Wiltou]

There is a step by step method for this.

Understood DVS, I was just trying to figure out if the way we have communicated
what we would like from each other is one of the better ways to start this off. I just don't want to be "OK we will do this, this and this so I get mine and your on your own for yourself" individuals.

Maybe just thinking to much into this.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

From my experience, it is better to go slow and stop with you both wanting more intensity, than to pile on the intensity and have her feel that it is too much.

My Master has me write fantasy scenarios, he does the same. From that he can unpick those things that are a turn on to me.

Communicate, alot. Problems come from unsaid thoughts.

And enjoy it. It is supposed to be fun!

 

[Oubliette123]

As the old saying goes 'the journey is as important as the destination'

I am in a long term relationship with my fiancé and he has been the only person I have ever had a BDSM relationship with. We have been on this BDSM journey for many years and its been and is amazing. We don't define ourselves out of the bedroom, but have roles in playtime. We still discover things, try new things or sometimes just have straight forward vanilla sex-I guess we are still on that journey and I think we always will be, and that's the fun of it all.

One of the dangers in labelling this lifestyle or the participants is a certain level of expectation. When we first met we vaguely wrote a list of our likes and dislikes, I can honestly say they have changed so much over the years. I didn't know I was into pain when we first met, but I am now. His level of control has changed to suit us both etc. As with any relationship things ebb and flow.

Basically what I am saying is we never set out to have a BDSM relationship (we met in a vanilla way), our lifestyle grew slowly as time past. We didn't box ourselves into labels, they came naturally. Leave the level of control to grow naturally, that way you aren't pushing anything onto to her that she can't handle.

 

[Prof Bill]

This is exactly what I have been trying to do. I find it to be a bit of a task since even though she is opening up to me finally I am not sure she is being completely open about everything she is wanting so I have taken my time to try to slowly pry out of her what I can in the hopes she will eventually trust me enough to tell me all her desires.

We are just now starting to get our collection together (toys and equipment not a lot of $ so we will have to take our time and make the best of what we can) and she has told me she is a bit nervous but trusts and hopes that she can count on me to push her to where she wants to go without hurting her. A Doms job isn't going to be easy since I don't have a crystal ball. I have always had these desires myself but have held back since she showed no interest earlier on.

Draig thanks for your response also. Every response that can help guide us to make it better is appreciated.

An idea based on what you said about beginning your collection and/or toy bag. I don't know many of us who could afford everything we saw. I know I couldn't. So we shopped at grocery stores, hardware stores, cooking stores and so on, in addition to kink stores and on line. If both of you are in a hardware store looking for something that might be fun to play with, you'll probably be communicating. And you won't spend much money, either. I've picked up some great restraints, some wonderful nipple clamps, some "interesting" floggers and strikers of various kinds in stores while we were shopping right next to Mr. and Mrs. Middle America. That added to the fun.

 

[Prof Bill]

Understood DVS, I was just trying to figure out if the way we have communicated
what we would like from each other is one of the better ways to start this off. I just don't want to be "OK we will do this, this and this so I get mine and your on your own for yourself" individuals.

Maybe just thinking to much into this.

Two ideas for intensity communication--both of which have worked at various times for me, and neither of which takes the place of a safe word which must always be taken seriously and followed.

First, and this worked especially well for flogging/whipping and so on, I would start lightly and my sub would give me a number between 1 and 10. Let's say the first number was a 2. I'd ramp up until she was quivering and at 9 or 10 and then drop back right away to 6 or 7 or 8. These intensities will change from day to day and week to week, but it was always a good way for us to start.

Second, the old "green, yellow, and red" system. We'd start at green and I'd increase intensity until I heard "red, red, red" and then drop back to what was probably a high yellow. Again, not a constant but also good way to start.

 

[leatherleaf]

As the old saying goes 'the journey is as important as the destination'

I am in a long term relationship with my fiancé and he has been the only person I have ever had a BDSM relationship with. We have been on this BDSM journey for many years and its been and is amazing. We don't define ourselves out of the bedroom, but have roles in playtime. We still discover things, try new things or sometimes just have straight forward vanilla sex-I guess we are still on that journey and I think we always will be, and that's the fun of it all.

One of the dangers in labelling this lifestyle or the participants is a certain level of expectation. When we first met we vaguely wrote a list of our likes and dislikes, I can honestly say they have changed so much over the years. I didn't know I was into pain when we first met, but I am now. His level of control has changed to suit us both etc. As with any relationship things ebb and flow.

Basically what I am saying is we never set out to have a BDSM relationship (we met in a vanilla way), our lifestyle grew slowly as time past. We didn't box ourselves into labels, they came naturally. Leave the level of control to grow naturally, that way you aren't pushing anything onto to her that she can't handle.

Tons of truth in that post. Honestly the label shit that people pass off as truth (as if they know me!) is really turning me off.