New and curious

[Arianna22]

Hi,

I'm new and if people wouldnt mind I have a couple of questions.

I have recently started a new relationships and my partner has never before done anything even slightly....different. I have been submissive for as long as I can remember, even before I knew that was what is was.

I was wondering if people could/ would give me a few pointers on how to proceed. I mean, I have explained to him that I am submissive and we have played some, but I think he feels...a little odd about it. I know hes worried about hurting me sometimes... how do i go about... educating (?) him? And how do I ask him to try new things?

Thanks for any help!

Ari

 

[myinnerslut]

try intrudusing him to this website, and going through some things together...i usually recommend filling out a submissive checklist so you can show him how you feel about difrent topics and he can learn what the topcs are

 

[myinnerslut]

oh yeah, and welcome to lit

 

[Arianna22]

Thank you very much! Will try and see what his reaction is.

Ari

 

[myinnerslut]

just dont be surprised if he gets defensive and percieves it as you telling him what to do. you dont want to top from the bottom, in in a situation where you are more experienced them him (i had the same situation with Sir), you may need to direct him more then a sub usually would. maby talk with hi in a situation that isnt explicitly sexual so it feels like the playing feild is even.

 

[CutieMouse]

You might try reading When Someone You Love Is Kinky with him- it's sometimes nice to have guidance to discuss all the different things that pop into one's mind, as the world of alternative lifestyles is cautiously explored.

I'd not worry about topping from the bottom, or any of the power exchange "rules" for lack of a better word. At this point I'd focus more on communicating as a couple (read: talk as equals, and leave the Top/bottom stuff in the bedroom), and understanding each other's views/needs/interests, and proceed from there.

 

[Arianna22]

Thank you. I do talk to him a bit about it... I just worry that I am forcing something on him... although he says I'm not!

 

[CutieMouse]

Y'all need to do more than talk "a bit". Communication is very important, and communicating honestly isn't pushin anything on anyone.

Read the book together, discuss it; print out a BDSM checklist for each of you, fill them out, and exchange/discuss them... find out where each other is coming from, and where you want to go- then worry about the submission/power stuff.

 

[Arianna22]

*smile* Thank you! I think one reason I am so hesitant and worried about talking to him is that for the longest time I felt I was... well... odd and wrong to like things 'different'. To the lengths that one of my ex partners told me I was a freak because I liked him to hold my wrists sometimes when we had sex.

I have moved on quite a bit since then, but I still have a fear of him thinking I am a freak! Although, again I know if he did then he probably wouldnt be the man for me.

 

[SweetErika]

*smile* Thank you! I think one reason I am so hesitant and worried about talking to him is that for the longest time I felt I was... well... odd and wrong to like things 'different'. To the lengths that one of my ex partners told me I was a freak because I liked him to hold my wrists sometimes when we had sex.

I have moved on quite a bit since then, but I still have a fear of him thinking I am a freak! Although, again I know if he did then he probably wouldnt be the man for me.

That's exactly right.

I've had the same concerns, especially with my husband. In the past few years, I've decided to give up all pretenses and just be myself (which includes pretty big, potentially relationship-changing things like being bi, polyamorous and kink-amorous). Where other people would have freaked out at these revelations (though I certainly introduced them gently) from a long-time partner, my husband just took all of them in stride and encouraged me to explore what felt right/made me happy. This confirmed once again that there couldn't be a better spouse for me, and has made our relationship so much stronger and more fulfilling.

You don't want to be with someone who thinks you're a freak for being yourself - it's exhausting and heartbreaking to have to hide and live as a mere image to keep the relationship together, and that type always fails eventually because people change/discover themselves as a matter of course. If your guy loves you for who you are, this will work itself out; if it doesn't, the sooner you find out and move on, the better, so you really can't lose by being yourself and pursuing happiness.

 

[Etoile]

A sample checklist: http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bondage/sub-checklist.html

 

[Arianna22]

*sigh* Oh dear... that didnt go as well as I had hoped...... heres for backing off a little and maybe trying again another day.

 

[shy slave]

*sigh* Oh dear... that didnt go as well as I had hoped...... heres for backing off a little and maybe trying again another day.

I don't understand this.

Several people gave advice and suggested places to get advice what more did she want?

 

[raven_wish]

I don't understand this.

Several people gave advice and suggested places to get advice what more did she want?

Maybe she doesnt mean us here, maybe she means said partner? ​

 

[Arianna22]

Oh no... I didnt mean on here! I'm sorry Shyslave if I gave that impression!! I meant I had a talk with my partner and it didnt go well.....

Sorry if I offended people! I really do appreciate all the advice and help.

Ari

 

[raven_wish]

Oh no... I didnt mean on here! I'm sorry Shyslave if I gave that impression!! I meant I had a talk with my partner and it didnt go well.....

Sorry if I offended people! I really do appreciate all the advice and help.

Ari

thats what i figured
i am sorry it didnt go as planned
sometimes things do go better after backing off
maybe after it gets processed a bit
i guess you never know

but more importantly I'd want to mention accepting it and evaluating if this is ok with you,
to not indulge so to speak
i am sure it goes without saying but just to round out the thread here

i really am sorry about how it went
ive been in similar situations (but not the same initial step, mine were convo's about pursuing further in particular bdsm 'activities or scenes')
where i didnt not receive the response i had hoped
its hard to put yourself out there a bit to learn they are not into it (hopefully a 'not yet' in your case)
but i always felt (sometimes a little bit down the road) that i felt better knowing then sitting on a desire and possibly missing out if they were indeed into it too

and you never know your courage and your making the initial step in sexual openess might in turn have him open up to you about something he is secretly interested <i always think everyone's got something>
and youll prolly love whatever it is he IS into

ok nuff rambling on my part...take care Ari

 

[Arianna22]

Thank you Ravenwish. It is a bit disappointing, but more than that I was hoping to try and find something i could do for him.... but there doesnt seem to be anything.

I do really truly want to share something with him and at the moment I am at a bit of a loss.... but I will do as I think, and as suggested, I will see how it goes.

Maybe he will find that he likes certain things after a while. After all he is very open minded and a lovely man, so I can hope and see.

Thank you for your support.

*hugs*

Ari

 

[shy slave]

Oh no... I didnt mean on here! I'm sorry Shyslave if I gave that impression!! I meant I had a talk with my partner and it didnt go well.....

Sorry if I offended people! I really do appreciate all the advice and help.

Ari

Ahh.

I misunderstood