Negative feedback wanted

[Whanmore]

The title says it all. I don't want to get too big-headed. Nor do I have any desire to take myself too seriously. So if you love critiquing stories, I'd love it if you'd give my "Deviant" stories a goose and gander. I'm at a good spot in the series to take it in the direction I'd like to go, and I'd love to sure up my writing as I take my Day-One readers on my journey. Can't wait to see all the new readers I get as well. The Lit community is dope and a lot of fun so I'm just trying to contribute. Hope you love the characters i wrote about lol. A lot more to come...fortunately.

 

[AnnieLit]

A link would be really helpful

 

[Carnevil9]

My psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Okay, you're ugly, too!"

 

[AlinaX]

A link would be really helpful

The link is in the signature...

I remember trying to read the first one. I found it frustrating then, and still now.

 

[AnnieLit]

The link is in the signature...

I don't know why, but since the update to new format I don't see signatures anymore

 

[AnnieLit]

The link is in the signature...

I remember trying to read the first one. I found it frustrating then, and still now.

Found it. I wish I didn't

 

[Whanmore]

Found it. I wish I didn't

"Wish I hadn't"

Anyway anything in particular to critique? Appreciate the replies Annie Lit and AlinaX but they were not very useful. I'm honestly just trying to write better stories.

 

[Bramblethorn]

A few thoughts on Deviant Suitemates Ch. 01:

I am not the target audience. That's not a criticism, just a clarification so you know where this review is coming from; my tastes run to slow-moving stories that take a while to build up the characters and their attraction. This story gets into it pretty quickly. There are plenty of readers who will prefer that to the way I write! The rest of my feedback will be focussing on stuff that should be more generally useful, rather than how to please me personally.

Technical stuff (spelling and grammar) is decent, a few minor issues with punctuation here and there but nothing too bad.

One thing that I think would improve the writing is cutting down on repetition. There's a saying "show, don't tell", which isn't universal truth - there are situations when "tell" is the better option. But you have a tendency to show and tell, which I find grating. In particular, you'll convey something in dialogue and then also narrate it directly.

For instance, the opening:

"God I'm horny," Lexi Simmons said.

"Oh my god, Lexi. Shut up," said her friend, Maddy Barrone. "No one wants to hear that."

The tone of the dialogue here already conveys that they're friends. More than that, it gives me a feel for the kind of friendship they have - they're relaxed enough to overshare and insult one another. Inserting "her friend" doesn't tell me anything new here, it just makes it feel like you don't have faith in your dialogue.

Minor side issue: it feels a little stilted to be giving full names at this point. It's not the kind of dialogue where people would usually spell out their last names, and it doesn't seem necessary to the story to know that Lexi's last name is "Simmons" - at least through the rest of Ch. 01, it never comes up again. Maddy's surname does become slightly relevant because her Italian connection becomes a point of flirtation later, but this is something that could be dropped in at the point where she meets Byron - which would then help explain how he knows to make the Italian reference.

Maddy looked around the university cafeteria sheepishly, while waiting for their food. She smiled to herself. 'Except maybe the pervs behind the lunch counter,' she thought.

Even though she and Lexi had only been on the USI campus for one day, Maddy noticed that the student workers at the Cafe restaurants were already eyeing her huge boobs.

Again, here you're telling me the same thing twice, first in inner dialogue and then in narrative.

"I'm serious, Maddy," said Lexi almost in a whining voice, but smiling. "I haven't fucked Alan since he left for Wisconsin. Ugh! Why would he choose a campus so frickin far away?"

And here - I think the exaggerated whining is already conveyed by dialogue.

"Wasn't the only thing he was springing up on you," Maddy said, holding little to no sympathy for her friend. "You were the one that had to lose your virginity the day after your 18th. No one told you to go falling in love."

And here. I'll stop with these show-and-tell examples here, but there are more in the story.

When you're narrating this kind of thing, it might be helpful to ask: how does the other person know this? Lexi isn't telepathic. She has to figure it out from Maddy's words. (And maybe tone, body language etc. in some cases, but here the words are enough.) If you focus on that "how would Lexi know Maddy's attitude?" question here, it may help reduce the urge to over-narrate.

"Well, I told coach Browner that I had stomach pains," Lexi said. "I also told Miss Knapp the same thing in class. So that way, if Browner asked around, he would get the same answers. I don't know what Alan told him."

"Browner probably thought you were pregnant."

This bit seemed weird to me. When an 18-year-old girl/woman pleads out of sport due to "stomach pains", pregnancy is not the first explanation most people would go to.

...the two enjoyed people watching and insulting those who drew their ridicule.

Tautology here. You're effectively saying "insulting those who they insulted".

Andy and Byron enter the story. It's immediately clear that they want to fuck Maddy and Lexi, and in the next scene it's established that Maddy and Lexi are attracted to them too. Maddy a little more restrained than Lexi, but still clear attraction.

So we have two guys and two girls, all of them keen to fuck, with no real strong reason not to. There's not a lot of dramatic tension here; it feels pretty clear where this is headed, and that is indeed exactly where it goes. This is partly a "my preferences" thing but I think for a lot of readers, a bit of tension can make the story much more interesting.

On Literotica, it's pretty much a given that the major characters are going to fuck sooner or later, but there are other possible sources of tension. If two people appear determined not to cheat on their partners, there's potential in "what could persuade them to cheat?" or even "what are the consequences?" But here, Lexi doesn't seem to feel terribly conflicted about cheating on Alan, so that doesn't give us much to wonder about. That leaves it feeling kinda flat: four characters are introduced, it's pretty clear they're going to have sex, they do have sex (not yet full PiV but I assume that's coming in subsequent chapters), that's just about it. Having Alan call during the sex might add a little bit of spice to it but not enough to get my attention.

 

[AnnieLit]

"Wish I hadn't"

Anyway anything in particular to critique? Appreciate the replies Annie Lit and AlinaX but they were not very useful. I'm honestly just trying to write better stories.

Language. Very repetitive. How many times did you call the two stuck up girls "high school graduates"? In my book even once is one too many as "high school graduate" usually means a person that graduated from high school and did not do any other schooling. He can be 18, or 28, or 68. I know from the context what you meant, but that not enough of a reason to keep repeating that phrase. We got it, they are legal, move on.

There is very little motivation for what these characters do, no backstory, no really anything besides fucking. And even that feels so rushed. I mean, yes, I get it, they are 18, not 48, but even at that age people usually don't jump on each other and then run in opposite directions right after an orgasm. No foreplay? No cuddling after? No chatting about their plans, or movies, or games, or friends, or whatever else these people do.

Sex itself... Well, yes, we all know that tab A goes into hole B and after some in and out there is a fluid deposited in the said hole. Great. If you are writing for a biology textbook that's probably all you need to mention. But sex between real people is a bit more than just fucking. You mention at least some thoughts and feelings that pass through the girls heads, but I don't think there is a single thought coming from the boys. Are they all robots? Are they all so sure of themselves that they don't feel any joy or excitement that the girl said yes? How do they know that every step they make will not be the last one, that they will be allowed to go all the way? They don't exhibit any doubt, or wonder, or joy, or even sexual satisfaction. Nothing. Why?

 

[gunhilltrain]

My psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Okay, you're ugly, too!"

You must have lifted that from somebody. Rodney Dangerfield? Henny Youngman?

 

[Bramblethorn]

You must have lifted that from somebody. Rodney Dangerfield? Henny Youngman?

Dangerfield and Youngman both used it, but earliest known credit is Stan Davis:

https://www.barrypopik.com/index.ph..._crazy_i_want_a_second_opinion_youre_ugly_too

 

[gunhilltrain]

Dangerfield and Youngman both used it, but earliest known credit is Stan Davis:

https://www.barrypopik.com/index.ph..._crazy_i_want_a_second_opinion_youre_ugly_too

I'm not sure who Stan Davis is, and there are a number of different people listed online with the same name.

I know I've heard Dangerfield use this medical joke. "I went to my doctor and said, 'It hurts when I lift my arm like this.' And he said, 'Well, then don't do that.' "

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'm not sure who Stan Davis is, and there are a number of different people listed online with the same name.

I know I've heard Dangerfield use this medical joke. "I went to my doctor and said, 'It hurts when I lift my arm like this.' And he said, 'Well, then don't do that.' "

All I know is what's in the obit linked from that article, but sounds like he was a pretty successful gag writer: https://www.nytimes.com/1982/09/15/...riter-of-jokes-for-film-and-tv-comedians.html

 

[Carnevil9]

You must have lifted that from somebody. Rodney Dangerfield? Henny Youngman?

Nice catch! It was Rodney. Only steal from the best!

By the bye, I saw him live once, long ago. I nearly died from laughing so hard. The man was a genius.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Nice catch! It was Rodney. Only steal from the best!

By the bye, I saw him live once, long ago. I nearly died from laughing so hard. The man was a genius.

One of my favorite Dangerfield lines, "My brother-in-law! I wish he'd learn a trade so I'd know what kind of work he was out of."

 

[Bubo_bubo]

I haven't published anything yet here, so I might not be the best-placed person to critique your story.

But...
As a reader I simply can't get into the story. I largely agree with the criticisms already given by Bramblethorn and AnnieLit. I'd want to add two things that particularly annoyed me:
- you smuggle in descriptions (of people, of situations) in a way that makes it very clear you're smuggling in descriptions, with often the description not even necessary and breaking the flow.
- paragraph breaks, learn how to use them. Not after every phrase, please. Keep thematically linked phrases together. And while usually, you sin by using them too much, sometimes you don't use them when you should.

Take this

Andy chuckled, but looked a bit crestfallen, as he sat back in Maddy's bed. After a few moments, Maddy emerged from the bathrooms covered in her robe. With much less of an awkward departure than the night before, the two couples said their goodbyes.

Andy hugged Maddy. Lexi hugged and kissed Byron, who then took it upon himself to offer Maddy a hug. Maddy happily returned the hug. It wasn't a friend hug, but a full embrace. Byron pulled Maddy's wet body into his. Her tits pressed against his chest.

It would be better like this

Andy chuckled, but looked a bit crestfallen, as he sat back in Maddy's bed.

After a few moments, Maddy emerged from the bathrooms covered in her robe. With much less of an awkward departure than the night before, the two couples said their goodbyes. Andy hugged Maddy. Lexi hugged and kissed Byron, who then took it upon himself to offer Maddy a hug. Maddy happily returned the hug. It wasn't a friend hug, but a full embrace. Byron pulled Maddy's wet body into his. Her tits pressed against his chest.

If I had to tighten the prose a bit (the first phrase is beyond rescue)

A few moments later, Maddy stepped out of the bathroom, wearing her bathrobe. The couples said their goodbyes, less awkwardly now than last night. Andy hugged Maddy, Lexi hugged and kissed Byron. Then Byron offered Maddy a hug, and Maddy happily accepted. It wasn't a little hug between friends, but a full body hug, Byron pulling Maddy's wet body into his, pressing her tits against his chest.

Though that's just a quicky.

 

[Whanmore]

A few thoughts on Deviant Suitemates Ch. 01:

I am not the target audience. That's not a criticism, just a clarification so you know where this review is coming from; my tastes run to slow-moving stories that take a while to build up the characters and their attraction. This story gets into it pretty quickly.

I love it! you did exactly what I wanted. I definitely know what you mean about getting into it quickly but I will say They dont actually have any sex til Ch. 4 and Maddy and 3 for Lexi but Yea I'll never put out more than two pages with no sex. I'd Hate that.

I so much needed the writing suggestions both from you and Bubo_Bubo. I's be always lookin to hope the way I can write be better. So appreciate that always. I

Bramblethorn
hadn't even thought about the "ridicule" line and now it makes me laugh. You are so right. I struggle so bad with repetition, mostly because I'm alsway confused so I wanna make sure the reader isnt lost. My first drafts are way more repetitive.

About the cheating. I've always found those girls that cheat without remorse super sexy. I met a few in school and their casualness always intrigued me so That's where Lexi's character came from, Legit based on a real person and a real experience. But I'll have alot of examples of cheating. It doesn't sound like you''


Annie Lit. I kinda get what you are saying....I mostly say High school graduates for the Lit rules so They know everyone is over 18. I be worried about that lol. As far as backstory or a general reason for the fucking? Have you been to college? Not a whole lot of reasons needed to fuck other than we are in the same room and we are both are awake. And in some genre's even those requirements aren't necessary ....(see Dorm Rooms Ch. 4). But pretty much everone only had sex with their repective partner so when the sex becomes more unexpected we'll get unexpected reactions But I know what you mean. I gotta work on Guys thoughts. I just find Guys incredibly dull. Women are more fun.

Keep em coming guys! don't be shy! I promise you can't hurt my feelings or make me wanna quit writing. I don't even know ya! lol i need all the negative criticism I can get.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I love it! you did exactly what I wanted. I definitely know what you mean about getting into it quickly but I will say They dont actually have any sex til Ch. 4 and Maddy and 3 for Lexi but Yea I'll never put out more than two pages with no sex. I'd Hate that.

Yeah, that's one of those "what counts?" questions - no penis in vagina but definitely sexual activity going on.

About the cheating. I've always found those girls that cheat without remorse super sexy. I met a few in school and their casualness always intrigued me so That's where Lexi's character came from, Legit based on a real person and a real experience. But I'll have alot of examples of cheating. It doesn't sound like you''

Not sure if there was a bit missing here?

It's fine to have a character who cheats without remorse if that's what turns you on! But I'd still recommend figuring out something to create tension and get the reader wondering "what happens next?" That could be questions like "will she get caught?"/"how will she get away with it?" or something else.

 

[Whanmore]

I was gunna say doesn't sound like you plan on reading much more but I get more into how the Boyfriend GF thing plays into it. There's much more inter-relationship fucking in Dorm Rooms...or at least there will be (spoiler) so I'm looking foward to exploring dilemas and guilty consciences and all that stuff. The Dorm Rooms will just be put a part of where I go with these characters.