Need to vent

[Luna_Bella]

Oh my Not even sure where to start, don't read this if you are in a hurry....

well you guys already know that I had a miscarriage a few weeks back.. and we were trying to get on with life... well 2 weeks ago my husband started acting strange and saying he wasn't sure he wanted to be here(in this relationship with me) that he needed time to think he was still telling me that he is very much in love with me

on tuesday we got into an argument he was telling me that he wanted a divorce, I told him that he was being stupid and he was acting like this just because he was hurt and scared.. he got furious and told me that he had another girl to go to his work christmas party with him etc and that he was going to cheat on me! I was really hurt and left the house with the kids to go to my mom's. once I was there I tried calling him but he wouldn't answer the phone. the next day I called him and tried talking with him He hung up the phone on me several times and was just being defensive and wouldn't listen. he told me he had a date this saturday and was bringing an other girl to one of our friends birthday party (not to mention the christmas party) on which I called him bluff. anyways after some serious talking to a wall(he really wouldn't listen to anything I said) it was left that he would call me friday night so that we could talk...

anyways I was calling my supposedly best friend to talk with her and cry like 3 times a day and She was telling me how she didn't think he would do something like that(cheat on me or go on dates with other girls etc.) that things were going to work out and he'd realize the mistake he was making.

Well on friday morning he texted me to ask me to go talk with him at home so I went... He told me he didn't think it was fair that I left the house because of him (it is my house bought and paid for by me) and that he still wasn't sure that he wanted to be with me but that he does love me and does care for me, but that he's really confused, he then confirmed me that he does have a date for his christmas party,he even told me who it was, I did consider this girl a friend (the bitch!) and that my best friend knew about it because the other girl had told her! talk about a best friend !) and that he still wanted to go with her, as a friend, I told him i didn't think it was right , because if he truly cares, he'd know that it would really hurt my feelings and that I would have a hard time to trust him if he did that. that was the end of the conversation. hot sex followed.
then he started being distant again told me that he shouldn't give me mixed signals I didn't answer anything to that.

I confronted my best friend about the whole thing she said she didn't want to make me more upset than I already was and that she didn't know how to tell me. so I forgave her.( tlak about dumb!)

since then everything as been fairly normal with hubby, he tells me he loves me, kisses me, holds me etc. he said something last night about not going to the christmas party and being reimbursed his deposit for it. i am not pressing him and not asking questions I am giving him his space. because I know if he's not ready to talk it will only lead to a fight (which I know we need not at this point)

Now what am I supposed to do ??? I obviously have the shittiest best friend in the world ( she hooked him up with the other girl 's phone number! yeah I found that out afterward and not to mentioned I had called her to ask if she had heard anything about hubby and she said no but then I found out she had just gone for a walk with him like 2 minutes before I called!! ( they don't know that I know that!)

I feel like can't trust anyone anymore... the people who are supposed to be on my side are trying to break up my marriage !!

the one person I felt safe with is going on dates with other girls when I really need him by my side I am still upset about the miscarriage!)

needless to say I want to work on this marriage and want to be with my husband I love him and care deeply for him.

I am sorry I am even writing this I don't even know what I am looking for here, do I want advice? compassion? I am not sure so just answer what ever you think is appropriate.

P.S. Yes, I am going to see a therapist and hubby agreed to come with me as long as the therapist speaks english, ( I am bilingual and he isn't and we live in Quebec so english therapists are hard to come by)

 

[Emerald_Lilly]

((((HUGS)))
As I was reading your post, my heart started racing because I have been in a similar situation (somewhat recently). Some of the details are eerily similar. Not that I would ever want to go through that again, but hubby and I have confronted some issues that had gone under the radar and I think have really come through it stronger than ever. Whatever happens, know that there are people here who have experienced similar hurt and will be here to support you if you need it. Feel free to pm me any time if you want to talk.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I´m so sorry to hear that you have to go through this (and really sorry that I didn´t check the date on your post about the miscarriage before posting there).

I hope you find a therapist who speaks english. I understand what you mean about still being upset about the miscarriage and I think he might be very upset too. Not that it is a good excuse but people sometimes react in strange ways when something like that happens. I know that my husband did have a hard time with it because it scared him so to realize that it could have ended much worse for me.

The girlfriends on the other hand... I really don´t know what to say about that, but another I´m sorry.
Again, I hope everything works out well for you in the end!

 

[PolyLvr]

I'm so sorry to read about your situation. All I can offer is, men are indeed idiots sometimes.
Sometimes we internalize things, peeves, mistrusts, hurts, rather than rock the boat. After myriad rationalizations in our minds those issues manifest themselves in weird ways. Hopefully as Emerald Lilly posted, there are some issues that can be revealed and dealt with.
I have to say he's a cad for springing this on you so soon after your miscarriage.
As far as him taking another woman to a friend's birthday party, I'm sure most of the other attendees would have similar feelings of revulsion for him.

I hope he smartens up.

 

[fuckmeat]

He is being a shit but you are aiding and abetting him. Your husband tells you he's not sure about your relationship and he's taking some other woman to the Christmas party and your response is to fuck him? What planet are you living on? If he can have sex with you under those circumstances why would he bother being faithful to you at all?

It wouldn't matter so much about the sex if you didn't have kids to worry about. If this man is ever going to be a responsible father you have to set boundaries and make it clear that as his wife and the mother of his kids you must be treated with respect. How do you know he hasn't already cheated on you? How do you know he hasn't given you an STD? What do you think your kids will learn about relationships when they watch you get walked on, while he has his cake and eats it? This is not just about you and you have to make that clear to him.

Also, you have forgiven your 'friends' far too quickly. This shows you lack self esteem and self respect. This basically gives them a free pass to shit on you again in the future, knowing you won't cut them from your life.

And yes, take the house back. It's your house but most importantly, it's your children's home. If he doesn't want to be with you he can fuck off elsewhere. He can hang his hat anywhere. Your kids need stability and routine during this turbulent time.

Finally, why would you even want to work things out with such a total bastard? Seriously, you probably could do better by shutting your eyes and sticking a pin in the telephone directory. This man has fucked you over with someone you considered a friend just after you suffered the pain and grief of a miscarriage. What the fuck would it take for you to divorce him?

Sorry to be so blunt but you really seem to be living on some warped plane of reality here.

 

[NomadLady]

If it's your house...don't leave again. He leaves if anyone does and the next time he mentions a "date" with another women will be when he leaves FOR GOOD. You are married, that is a legal binding contract and he needs to grow up and act like a man.

Dump the friend....I don't trust very many women and don't have very close females friends for the very reasons you just described. Make sure she understands in "NO UNCERTAIN TERMS" that what she did is betrayal and not acceptable and move on. You don't need friends like her that will lead your husband to other women...JEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[mrtomthumb]

this sounds familiar.

I have a woman that I have worked with for about ten years who is going through a similar situation. It started out with threats and such and escalated to him cheating and wanting to end the marriage. it has been hard on her and I feel for her and listen to her talk about it everyday since it happened.

BUTTTTT....

she is acting like a total doormat (as I try to tell her) which only feeds his actions as it all being OK.. she is playing the perfect victim.

You need new friends that much is certain.

In the original post you seem almost devoid of any actions on your part in all of this. I am unsure is this is omission or true account of everything...just seems worth pointing out. Not a judgment in any way.

If he pulled this right after a miscarriage..that is pretty fucking selfish!

best of luck in all of this.

I think you should give him a good boot in the ass and tell him to "snap out of it!"

 

[Mac98]

My parents went to an english marriage councelor (my mother's english) 5 years ago. Not sure WHERE in QC that you are, but if you're anywhere near a major city (Montreal, Quebec city, Trois-Riviere) I'm sure you can find one.

As for your marriage: You obviously can't trust your best friend, but confront her about things she does that bother you or flat out piss you off.

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. This is surely a very difficult time for you and your husband too, no doubt. Sometimes, traumatic events cause us to act differently. This may be misdirected anger on his part or maybe it's brought up some issues he doesn't know how to deal with.

My advice: Seek help and councelling (both of you together, that is) ASAP. This is not a situation you want to let linger. Trust is a sacred thing. Once that's gone, the relationship will start to crumble. We're all human and we all make mistakes. I think your husband is probably lost and needs your help and support (as much as you need his).

That being said: Good luck to the both of you. But most of all, good luck to your kids.

 

[Luna_Bella]

FM I know I am being a total doormat but seriously it is the first time in 8 years he's ever been like this so I have no clue on how to react. He is going through a rough time and not just because of the miscarriage Thing have been piling up on him for tha last year(had one of dreams crushed, one of close relative is on his death bed, his best friend(his cousin) is going through a really rough time and he's trying to help her out(even though its a lost case )... But he refuses to talk He's not treating me like this just for fun..... and as for the sex well I am the one who initiated so He doesn't get his cake I do. But then again I suppose he benefits from it too...... I know he shouldn't be acting like this, but at this point I just want him to get better....

The friend has been "flushed" by the way, I have no intention of mending that relationship. she's as good has dead to me. I can not even face her right now I am so angry I think I could seriously injure her(and I'm not a violent person but sometime I wish I had different principles)

 

[NomadLady]

FM I know I am being a total doormat but seriously it is the first time in 8 years he's ever been like this so I have no clue on how to react. He is going through a rough time and not just because of the miscarriage Thing have been piling up on him for tha last year(had one of dreams crushed, one of close relative is on his death bed, his best friend(his cousin) is going through a really rough time and he's trying to help her out(even though its a lost case )... But he refuses to talk He's not treating me like this just for fun..... and as for the sex well I am the one who initiated so He doesn't get his cake I do. But then again I suppose he benefits from it too...... I know he shouldn't be acting like this, but at this point I just want him to get better....

The friend has been "flushed" by the way, I have no intention of mending that relationship. she's as good has dead to me. I can not even face her right now I am so angry I think I could seriously injure her(and I'm not a violent person but sometime I wish I had different principles)

Dreams crushed, relatives dying and other relatives being a lost cause are things we all deal with as adults...it doesn't mean he gets to treat you like shit. Don't be the doormat...and if he keeps it up, show HIM the door. He can crawl back later like a dog and beg your forgiveness.

 

[Luna_Bella]

I did straightened things up thanks for giving me the courage to stand up

1-He is not to go to that christmas party, if he is we are over.....

2-if I hear him again say he doesn't know if he wants to be here, he's out
of a place to live.

3- he is coming to therapy with me.

He agreed to all of this, so now we'll just have to see if he follows through...

 

[Mac98]

It's a good sign that he's at least willing to make this work. He may not be doing all the right things, but it's at least that.

Best of luck to both of you.

 

[Luna_Bella]

It's a good sign that he's at least willing to make this work. He may not be doing all the right things, but it's at least that.

Best of luck to both of you.

Thanks Mac

 

[PolyLvr]

I did straightened things up thanks for giving me the courage to stand up

1-He is not to go to that christmas party, if he is we are over.....

2-if I hear him again say he doesn't know if he wants to be here, he's out
of a place to live.

3- he is coming to therapy with me.

He agreed to all of this, so now we'll just have to see if he follows through...

Good for you.
I really hope it works out.

 

[NomadLady]

I did straightened things up thanks for giving me the courage to stand up

1-He is not to go to that christmas party, if he is we are over.....

2-if I hear him again say he doesn't know if he wants to be here, he's out
of a place to live.

3- he is coming to therapy with me.

He agreed to all of this, so now we'll just have to see if he follows through...

Good for you Luna!!!!! Sometimes grown men have to treated like small children, sounds like he might be getting the message now. Good luck!!!!

 

[fuckmeat]

I did straightened things up thanks for giving me the courage to stand up

1-He is not to go to that christmas party, if he is we are over.....

2-if I hear him again say he doesn't know if he wants to be here, he's out
of a place to live.

3- he is coming to therapy with me.

He agreed to all of this, so now we'll just have to see if he follows through...

Hopefully he's finally realising what he's risking by failing to cope so spectacularly. It can be very hard for men to admit they're depressed or not coping with life's trials but that still doesn't excuse the way he's been behaving. I really hope he's able to open up in therapy and benefit from it. If he's that uncertain about what he wants, a trial separation might help him sort out his priorities. Grass always looks greener till you get there and find out it's Astroturf. Could be that some time alone, living apart from you and the kids, learning what he stands to lose and doing all his own chores could be therapeutic.

 

[pplwatching]

Affairs, especially given your description about what's been going on in his life, are most often about getting non-sexual needs met. In some ways his behavior can be viewed as acting out. While there is no excuse for treating someone we love that way, if he feels that you are emotionally unavailable to him then it may be that he's torn between getting those needs met elsewhere and staying married to a woman that he loves.

It might be useful for you to take a little time and evaluate how you've reacted to the various negative events in his life. I know that being overwhelmed by a miscarriage makes it difficult to be the one who reaches out to support your spouse, but how did you two come together to grieve your loss? On a day-to-day basis how do you show him that you find him attractive? How do you show him that you are excited to be married to him, and love having him in your life?

You may find that he needs more from you than you are giving him. If you don't already, you might find it useful to let your parents take the kids for the night and have regular date nights where you get to reconnect as a couple; man and woman with a need to be each other's priority instead of the kids. The focus should be on re-establishing contact with each other. Sex doesn't have to be on the menu, but staying connected does.

None of this absolves him of his responsibility to be a better husband and lover, but sometimes it takes forgiveness and an olive branch to get a marriage back on track and re-establish the love connection. As the old saying goes, "If you want to be married then act like you want to be married." That goes for both of you.

As for your friends ... you can definitely pick your friends and it sounds like it's time for you to pick new ones. My wife and I choose friends with similar values and life experiences as we have. Some are married, with or without kids, and some are single. The married friends tend to be more sympathetic to situations like a miscarriage and discord in the marriage. They form a sort of support network for us. All of our friends, however, share similar values with us. We are friends with them because they are decent and considerate people. and we talk to them to find out who they are before we let them into our life.

Good luck.

 

[Luna_Bella]

Thanks for everyone's support....

Things went way off track this week(he went looking for an appartment and I started getting my single life on its way) but he finally went to the doctor and is to be meeting a counselor within the next two weeks. I spilled the beans to his family that he was not going well and that I couldn't deal with him anymore, they thought he was doing fine!!!!! I was worried that he would be mad at me for talking to his mother and sister about the situation but turns out, I think he was glad I did, he was sick of playing it cool.

last night we had a heart to heart conversation about what was happening, he actually talked about the miscarriage(he wouldn't before) and about all the things that have been going wrong lately, we cried and we laughed and it felt like the old us again.

I don't know if we will work things out or not, I think we are far for being able to figure that out right now, we both need to fix ourselves before we can work on "us". We both know that we love each other and that we will always be bonded in someway (we have been through too much together not to be)
I guess we will just have to wait and see.

pplwatching: It is me who is giving him the support not the other way around right now, he will not talk about the miscarriage, as a matter of fact, I have always been, throughout the marriage, the "stronger one" trying to find a positive side to every bad situation, he's a tad on the pessimistic side. since the miscarriage I am the one always reaching to give affection and tokens of appreciation are numerous (ex. love notes in his lunchbox, sexy/dirty text messages, offers of massages , cooking his favorites meals etc) my mother has been taking the kids on a regular basis for us to go on dates but lately he just isn't interested he would rather go out drinking with his buddies or his cousin (no he isn't with other women, I have reliable people keeping an eye on him; even his buddies are worried about him but he won't talk.

I just hope he will follow through with the help he needs..... because whether or not he's acting like a jackass, I care about him and the kids need a healthy and happy father.

At this point I am planning to be be on my own as I cannot deal with his mood swings, changes of heart etc... but I still wish for him to take care of himself....

 

[NomadLady]

Thanks for everyone's support....

At this point I am planning to be be on my own as I cannot deal with his mood swings, changes of heart etc... but I still wish for him to take care of himself....

Mood swings and changes of heart by either person in a relationship can drive an deadly wedge between two people, I lived in that for too many years when I was married. You can not "fix" a person, they have to want to fix themselves.
Take care of yourself!!

 

[baphemetis]

I am new to these forums, but from what I have been reading, I usually agree with fuckmeat. However, in this case, I think fuckmeat's initial advice was too harsh.

It is true, he has been treating you like shit and he has been completely immature and irresponsible. However, it is my opinion that you should take every step necessary to try to salvage your marriage because if you don't, if you don't exercise every option, try every remedy, you will always look back with regret. You will always wonder "What if?"

I commend you and your husband for going to therapy. This is the best thing you could do. Don't expect miracles. Therapy might not work and if that's the case, don't give up! Instead, look hard and far for another therapist and keep going. If your husband stops going or refuses to go, then you should go alone until you can drag him along with you.

Look also for support groups. There are a lot of support groups for people in your situation. Your local church, for example may have a bereavement support group. We have one here specifically for people who have lost a child.

Your ... ahem ... "friends" are not offering you the support network that you need which is why it is important for you to look elsewhere. Posting here was actually a good idea, but it's not enough. You need people you can call, you can reach out to, people who will be there for you, who know what it's like. Look hard for those support groups.

If your husband talks about divorce, let him know, under no uncertain terms, that divorce is not on the table until you have both exhausted every option to try to save your marriage. You owe that much to yourself, to your relationship and to your children. If you put in the honest effort to take the steps to try to make this work and it does work, your marriage and your relationship will be the stronger for it. If it fails, then you will have the satisfaction knowing that it just wasn't meant to be, that you tried everything and no one will have grounds to think less of you for it.

Yes, fuckmeat is right. Your husband is being a total bastard. I wish I could jump into his head and rearrange the furniture in there, but the answer isn't to cut loose and go, not yet. Get him to therapy, get his head fixed, take back your marriage and your life.

Remember we are here for you and we are rooting for you.

 

[JuanVato]

I wish you the best.

Bella,

I am so sorry this is happening in your life. Yes, we are all cheering for you to emerge from this rough portion of your life.

JV

 

[Mz_Scarlett]

I couldn't have said it better than Baphemetis.

I'd also like to say that I feel for you, your children and you situation I left my husband 12 years ago and a part of what helped me throughout the entire process was to get clarity about what I wanted and needed in the marriage- what I was willing to do and what I needed from him- and I wrote it all down. Although unfortunately our marriage ended in divorce, I did feel like I had done everything I could before we parted, and my notes kept me on track as we were addressing the issues in our marriage. Having that clarity gave me great piece of mind. I don't regret getting married and I don't regret getting divorced.

I truly hope that you are able to find a way to work though all of this

And last but not least, your friends are not your friends. Kick them to the curb post haste and find people who will be truly loyal and supportive

 

[Luna_Bella]

Thank you everyone,
You all gave some sound advice, and we are working through it all.

We are finally talking about the real stuff (sigh of relief!) we started spending some time together, just for the fun of being with each other , I realized that, yes, we were taking time together before but we were always so preoccupied with everything else that was going on in our lives that we weren't actually enjoying it.

He has apologized numerous times for the way he treated me and reacted after the miscarriage, He actually cried(I have seen him cry 3 times before, when our kids were born and when his best friend died and we have been together for 8 1/2 years!) when talking about how he would never get to hold and love that child or even tuck it in bed at night, every night he tucks in the children and kisses them goodnight before he, himself, goes to bed. I don't think I've ever mentionned he is absolutely amazing with children in his family they call him father hen!

So we are taking it one day at a time and are now trying to focus on having a great holiday time together for us and the children.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Best of luck to you Luna.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Good to hear!