Need to rant

[DeepGreenEyes]

I'm just really sorry you're having a shitty time. Once you get past really shitty, then you can move into somewhat shitty, and then, one day you'll wake up and the day will be vaguely unshitty.

It sounds as if this has unleashed a season of introspection, and that can be a very good thing.

I have only two pieces of advice, from my 200 GB stash of heartbreak:

1. Don't believe your brain when you're spiraling. It fucking lies. And, like Republicans, it is very tempting to believe its lies. Just because you feel shitty doesn't mean everything is shitty.

2. You mentioned the gym. Gym. Gym. Gym. Gym. Even when you don't want to. Especially when you don't want to.

 

[FurryFury]

*hug*

 

[IrisAlthea]

I say burn the list, but keep the mementos. And definitely delete the porn. There's more where that came from if you ever need it. The people in your life aren't as easily replaced.

I agree.

 

[Cattypuss]

if you can't love yourself, you'll never be able to accept love from others.

To be fair, I think acknowledging you're overweight is not the same as not loving yourself.

 

[Cattypuss]

I think I've spent too much energy worshiping the sex act and not the person I'm having sex with.

This stands out for me amongst everything you have said as a really wise, valuable insight.

 

[sb2009]

I'm just really sorry you're having a shitty time. Once you get past really shitty, then you can move into somewhat shitty, and then, one day you'll wake up and the day will be vaguely unshitty.

It sounds as if this has unleashed a season of introspection, and that can be a very good thing.

I have only two pieces of advice, from my 200 GB stash of heartbreak:

1. Don't believe your brain when you're spiraling. It fucking lies. And, like Republicans, it is very tempting to believe its lies. Just because you feel shitty doesn't mean everything is shitty.

2. You mentioned the gym. Gym. Gym. Gym. Gym. Even when you don't want to. Especially when you don't want to.

I wasn't aware of the bipolar disorder. So...yeah, everything that DGE says, right up there.

My life, before I listened to my fucking drs and the people I *hadn't* managed to drive away with my train-wreck of a life - was a fucking nightmare of crap and disgust and self loathing and misery.

So, now, it's not picture perfect. Vaguely unshitty is a great way to be.

 

[where]

To be fair, I think acknowledging you're overweight is not the same as not loving yourself.

to be honest, I found it in a fortune cookie and it seemed apposite.

and 220 for a tall muscled guy is overweight?

 

[Marquis]

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Marquis, my heart is breaking for you really. i'm so sorry for your loss and pain. but you are showing something here that i really seriously admire, and you probably don't even realize it...strength. it takes so much strength to resist the overwhelming urge to just give up and phone it in. here you are facing it head on, and exposing your naked self to all of us in the process. that's the kind of strength and will i would give anything to have.

it may take a while, but maintain your current enlightened path and it's going to get better and better (to the point of amazing awesomeness) for you. that's a bet.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

The things hardest for us to accomplish are the ones we usually end up valuing the most.

 

[FurryFury]

The things hardest for us to accomplish are the ones we usually end up valuing the most.

Great stuff there!

 

[sb2009]

when I had a particularly trying time a few years ago (mother's death, mixed feelings, etc) and I was undergoing a medication change - the only thing that kept me going was that I imagined I was plodding my way though, and I wasn't even sure what the goal was. I just had to believe that it would get better, even if I didn't FEEL that it would.

It was just a matter of doing what I need to to do, each day, and not listen to my what my brain was telling me (as DGE says, it fucking lies!) and keep on, just a bit at a time. It sucked. Nothing *seemed* worth it, but again, that was my brain lying to me.

I hope that you are talking to your doctor about the way you feel.

 

[FurryFury]

At my worst times, I just need to take care of myself on a very simple level such as, tempting but simple food, music, a light movie, a walk in nature. I can't read at times like that, not anything significant, can't function well but I must try to maintain me so I can improve.

At bad times but more functional I have found that doing meditation and imaging helps. It's not something I WANT to do. I avoid it but it really helps along with daily exercise.

Recently I got the book, The Joy of Appreciative Living by Jacqueline Helm at the library. I've been skimming it as I don't enjoy being preached at.

Here are the important parts so far IMO:

1. List three things you appreciate each day and take a moment to feel your gratitude.

2. Each day answer this question: "What one thing can I do today, no matter how small, to increase my joy?"

3. Once a week do a fifteen minute visioning exercise of your ideal, joy filled life. ( I think more often would be better!).

This is the sort of thing I was doing when my first husband walked out on pregnant me. I really think it helped.

Another thing I think that helps is when you are in a negative thought loop, to deliberately overwrite it with something positive and constructive to your life.

Just thought I'd share!

 

[zarngash]

You have my support.

Sounds like your learning and growing through this experience, hence the pain.

Best wishes.

 

[gypsy*seer]

Need to rant?

_______________

So sorry, I should have read the description of the thread before I posted.
My apologies, best thoughts & hope go out to you.

 

[Marquis]

So, I'm doing a pretty good job of taking care of my basic needs, working out, trying to eat right, doing my school/recruiting work.

I broke down and "phoned it in" a long time ago. I've told her that I want to try to work things out and the ball is basically in her court now. There's been a lot of back and forth bullshit between the two of us. I think we're in a tough spot where we don't know if this relationship is worth saving, so it's kind of just dwindling away through indecision.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

So, I'm doing a pretty good job of taking care of my basic needs, working out, trying to eat right, doing my school/recruiting work.

Kudos to you. You can't control the relationship stuff, no matter how fucking hard you try. But you can control all of the above. So control the hell out of it and keep it up!

I broke down and "phoned it in" a long time ago. I've told her that I want to try to work things out and the ball is basically in her court now. There's been a lot of back and forth bullshit between the two of us. I think we're in a tough spot where we don't know if this relationship is worth saving, so it's kind of just dwindling away through indecision.

Hey, you had to make the effort or you would've always wondered.

 

[sardoniclaugh]

1. Don't believe your brain when you're spiraling. It fucking lies. And, like Republicans, it is very tempting to believe its lies. Just because you feel shitty doesn't mean everything is shitty.
.

just want to point out, that since your bipolar, this advice is pretty good for spiraling, soaring, sitting peacefully, etc. Being bipolar means your brain lies all the time. Some of the lies are just prettier than others.

I think of it like a huge blind spot, centered on the self. Find people you trust, and trust what they tell you about you. They definitely see you more clearly than you do. Build a portrait of the man behind the curtain to check your self-perception against. Then when you think you're a wretched, horrible monster, you can say, "hmm, John is my good friend, and he doesn't like wretched, horrible monsters that much. Maybe I'm being a little harsh on myself."

You can do the same when you think you're God, but it's so fun thinking you're God that you might not want to. Still, if anyone else is around, best to keep it on the DL. People get so funny about Gods.

My experience has been that life tends to work best when I pretend I'm human. It can be hard, and there are most definitely days when it really does feel like pretending, but if you can do a halfway convincing act, people tend to buy it. Only a few people have ever realized that I was a monster, and only after dating me for a long time. Same is true for the God thing, oddly.

 

[BlueRoseRed301]

Looking to the stars...

Everyone deserves love and happiness. But, receiving that from a partner unconditionally seems to be nearly impossible for me... Non-existant in my wish to serve a Master that's right for me. I consider myself natrually submissive. In my 'vanilla' relationships I wouldn't hesitate to give all and trust completely. As a result of my sunshine naieve nature I was raped once, and completely ruined by another. I now have specific health challenges that turn most people away and makes me unwilling to open myself up for further misuse and abuse. I am in no way bitter, and that suprises me sometimes. I'm always 1st to rush and be of aid to someone, always sticking my neck out to sacrifice. It makes me feel good. But, the thought of giving myself completely to someone scares me 'shitless' while still being the very thing I crave. I know that the chalenges I have to deal with are things no one should have to, I've even accepted being forever celibate as my reality. But, I can't help but hope against all for a dream.

 

[Emerald_Lilly]

Hey, you had to make the effort or you would've always wondered.

Totally agree!

Marquis, I am so sorry you are going through such heartache. Take care of yourself and know that there are people here who care.

(From another person battling mental illness).

 

[FurryFury]

Pretty great post IMO.

just want to point out, that since your bipolar, this advice is pretty good for spiraling, soaring, sitting peacefully, etc. Being bipolar means your brain lies all the time. Some of the lies are just prettier than others.

I think of it like a huge blind spot, centered on the self. Find people you trust, and trust what they tell you about you. They definitely see you more clearly than you do. Build a portrait of the man behind the curtain to check your self-perception against. Then when you think you're a wretched, horrible monster, you can say, "hmm, John is my good friend, and he doesn't like wretched, horrible monsters that much. Maybe I'm being a little harsh on myself."

You can do the same when you think you're God, but it's so fun thinking you're God that you might not want to. Still, if anyone else is around, best to keep it on the DL. People get so funny about Gods.

My experience has been that life tends to work best when I pretend I'm human. It can be hard, and there are most definitely days when it really does feel like pretending, but if you can do a halfway convincing act, people tend to buy it. Only a few people have ever realized that I was a monster, and only after dating me for a long time. Same is true for the God thing, oddly.

 

[Marquis]

Everything is so confusing. It feels like I get small pieces of clarity, but they are always some period too late, and acting on them when they appear is like trying to make an investment in the past. The realization that I have little control over the future is haunting.

 

[rida]

Everything is so confusing. It feels like I get small pieces of clarity, but they are always some period too late, and acting on them when they appear is like trying to make an investment in the past.

And I can totally relate.

The realization that I have little control over the future is haunting.

You do not have control on what others will do, but you do have control on what you will do. It might seem small, but it is actually big. Just don't let the fear of what's out of control paralyze you.

 

[eastern sun]

Everything is so confusing. It feels like I get small pieces of clarity, but they are always some period too late, and acting on them when they appear is like trying to make an investment in the past. The realization that I have little control over the future is haunting.

Clarity comes when you gain insight into the way one thing causes or contributes to another. That's invaluable information for sowing the seeds of a better future.

Stay in the present, as much as you can. You may have to live out the consequences of your past actions, but you're also creating your future at the same time. And you can act on your insight, and do the right thing today.

 

[Marquis]

Clarity comes when you gain insight into the way one thing causes or contributes to another. That's invaluable information for sowing the seeds of a better future.

Stay in the present, as much as you can. You may have to live out the consequences of your past actions, but you're also creating your future at the same time. And you can act on your insight, and do the right thing today.

I am really grateful for all the great advice I am getting here.

You have been heard.