Need some relationship/borderline-BDSM advice - long post

[jtrek76]

Missingmeds suggested posting this in the BDSM forum rather than howto:


Damn, this turned into a long one. <Please click back now if you're going to feel the need to make a smartass comment on my lack of brevity >

Where to begin?

I've been with my gf for about 18 months. She is a really cute 25 year old semi-bi, somewhat ghetto Puerto Rican girl and has a very colorful sexual past, with more partners than she can remember to count (some ghetto boys, some not).

I'm a 29 yr old nerdy white guy and can count all of my past partners on two hands, only one of which involved very informal BDSM activity (and that one turned out to be with a severely abused, highly unstable young lady which made me gun-shy from the whole thing for a while).

How we stayed together this long is beyond me but she's crazy about me and I'm not complaining because I like her a lot too =)

We have a very physical relationship - wrestling, tickling, slap boxing, spanking, punching (mostly her punching me when I make some smartass joke), etc.

She is a leo for those of you that might read into that. She openly comments in detail to me about men and women she finds arousing, in a sort of raw, innocent way I can't really be jealous about. At the same time she says she's in love with me, I'm "the one" for her, blah blah blah, which I have a hard time completely believing sometimes (partly due to my own insecurities, partly due to some shady b.s. she pulled when we were first dating), but I want to make her happy because I like seeing her smile and she's usually really good to me.

She has been dropping subtle - and not so subtle - hints about more BDSM-oriented things she wants from me.

She has told me several times she likes being tied with course rope, being forced into submissive roles, being roughed up, choked, and especially being tied by her neck.

Recently she made a passing comment - almost accidental? - when she saw a relatively innocuous movie scene that led her to fantasize about receiving a drawn out facial.

So I've done some reading online about the right kind of knots to use, general BDSM info, etc. and I bought a headboard that lends itself well to tying off lengths rope.

But at this point I haven't done much other than bind her hands - and occassionally her neck - and procede to give her head, play with her body, spank her, fuck her, whatever I can think of at the time. She seems to like it and will often start giving me head while I am tying (which is great, needless to say) but I feel like I don't really know what I'm doing, at least relative to the entire body of her previous sexual experiences as I imagine them.

Especially when it comes to talking to her while we are having sex. She has this amazing ghetto/nasty side that comes out when she's getting off that I think she toned down right away because I wasn't talking back to her like she was wanting.

She is a lot more experienced - and with a huge variety of people - and it's weird to me to try to take the dominant role over her when she is far more experienced than me, and (I'm sure) has been with far more sexually dominant men before.

I guess my biggest concern is in being able to transition from my how I normally talk to her into the dirtier side without it feeling or seeming artificial. The same thing goes for physical things like anal stuff, bondage, hitting, etc. but to a lesser degree.

It's easy and natural for me to hit her when we are boxing or wrestling, but I have a hard time making the transition when we are having sex, which is when she seems to want it the most.

Does anyone have any helpful suggestions? As I'm writing this it occurred to maybe try wrestling/slapping like we normally do in a playful way, move into restraining her, and let the sexual part of that develop naturally?

There are some things she told me she isn't comfortable with - tying her feet and her hands at the same time, being blindfolded.

On the technical side...

Does anyone know of any methods or positions to tie someone by the neck that gives them the feeling they are being restrained, but that don't require an expert to do safely?

Or a good position/restraint setup that can be used to make a girl feel powerless but still give her the freedom of motion to give head?

Any constructive input is greatly appreciated!!!

-j

 

[oddity83]

The Seductive art of Japanese Bondage By Midori, published by Greenery press. Covers alot of rope work, easy to read with lots of diagrams and a few stunning pics. about a third of the book has rope around the neck, not hanging noose type but still enough to get the idea.

 

[Guest]

(and that one turned out to be with a severely abused, highly unstable young lady which made me gun-shy from the whole thing for a while).

ROFLMAO!!!! Sorry Hommes...But I'm pretty sure that several of us have been involved with the previously mentioned person.. It seems we find out about the baggage after they deicde to have a nuclear breakdown.

Hmmmm... If you are going to be tying her up anyway...Perhaps that might be the time to try the introduction of a collar (unless you are after a specific psychological effect). Just an inexpensive leather large dog collar from the local pet dept. Gives you a point to secure her by. Is safer (marginally, necks are dangerous). And provides a certain psychological impact of it's own.

As for the physical... How does she feel about spanking?
It is as formal or informal as wished.. Is physical.. Can be intensly erotic.. *grin* And can progress rather smoothly into more conventional sexual activity as wished.

 

[Master Sensei]

The Seductive art of Japanese Bondage By Midori, published by Greenery press. Covers alot of rope work, easy to read with lots of diagrams and a few stunning pics. about a third of the book has rope around the neck, not hanging noose type but still enough to get the idea.

I met Midori at a seminar she had on her bondage and electrical play. She's enchanting. I even let her use my slave (now ex) for an electrical play scene using the Violet Wand and those hand shockers people use for self defense. I must say that it was one of the most beautiful scenes I have ever witnessed.

If you have a chance to see her you simply must go.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I met Midori at a seminar she had on her bondage and electrical play. She's enchanting. I even let her use my slave (now ex) for an electrical play scene using the Violet Wand and those hand shockers people use for self defense. I must say that it was one of the most beautiful scenes I have ever witnessed.

If you have a chance to see her you simply must go.

Have to second that. My daughter went to a 3 day workshop of hers earlier this year and was very impressed...not an easy thing to do. She also received a lot of tips and positive, supportive feedback, advice and encouragement from Midori to pursue a career in pro-domming.

Catalinahttp://www.smilies4you.de/content/liebe/b18.gif

 

[Tollo]

It sounds like you are unsure of your abilities to give your gf what she wants (or what you think she wants). A big potential problem, as I see it, is your hang-ups about her past. Several places in your post you focus on ways in which you two are different, or ways in which you feel that you may not measure up to her previous experiences. You really need to get over this. She is with you now, she says that you are "the one" for her, she is coming to you with her sexual needs, etc. . There is a reason why she is with you now, maybe her past experiences were not all that great, maybe she was looking for something different and that is exactly why she wants to be with you.

As for fulfilling her needs to be dominated, have you asked her if she is satisfied with what you are doing or if she needs / wants more? If you are willing, and if it is something that you want as well, I am sure you will find many ways to dominate her. But what do you want? Are you doing this just for her, or do you want to learn to be dominant because it is something that you too feel drawn to explore? Either is a legitimate reason, but I think you need to figure this out.

No matter what, you have to be comfortable with yourself. Take some time to think about this, then discuss it with her. Have fun. Experiment. It sounds like you have a great opportunity to "expand your horizons" with an open, willing, and yes, experienced partner. If you can approach this in the right way and with a good attitude you are likely to have some great experiences ahead. Good luck.

Tollo

 

[jtrek76]

As for fulfilling her needs to be dominated, have you asked her if she is satisfied with what you are doing or if she needs / wants more? If you are willing, and if it is something that you want as well, I am sure you will find many ways to dominate her. But what do you want? Are you doing this just for her, or do you want to learn to be dominant because it is something that you too feel drawn to explore? Either is a legitimate reason, but I think you need to figure this out.

Tollo

I think it's a little of both.

There are a number of dominance-oriented aspects of myself that I never explored or allowed to properly develop while I was growing up - for other reasons - but these have all started to unfold the last couple years.

I could easily never delve into this but since I have a partner who is pushing for it anyway, and I'm in the middle of a "development stage" it would be a huge waste not to step up to the plate.

Thanks everybody! - for both your encouragement & sound advice!

-j