Need some help re: open dialogue

[joejob]

Hi peeps,

Im hoping here that some of you can help me with this. My GF and I have been together a long time and she professes to be into BDSM, but never seems willing or able to talk about anything sexual. I know that she likes to be spanked and I enjoy this but trying to get her to open up on anything sexual is incredibly difficult and she has had a lot go on recently in her life. It's always the same excuse. I think tbh she is kind of scared about it all, although I have tried to explain to her a lot that if she doesn't like any bit of it, she can ask to stop and it will stop straight away.

I mean, yes, I can do some basic bondage on her and lightly tease her but with zero feedback it gets pretty hard to gauge her feelings or even if she is liking it. I also think she is wanting to submit but is also resisting it because "its bad" type thing, drilled into her during her upbringing but again im pretty much being stonewalled. I also know for a fact, up until she moved in with me, she was pretty badly mentally abused.

There was a time when she was absolutly ravenous and would bring me back presents like the panties she masturbated in at work to show me what I did to her in her thoughts alone. Now it seems that BDSM or sex of any kind for that matter is a chore. She is only 25 BTW. And me being the nice guy I am would feel exceptionally bad if I forced something she didn't like, so i dont force or push and as a result get nowhere.

Any ideas would be appreciated.

 

[CutieMouse]

If she's been "pretty badly mentally abused" I'd strongly suggest she work through issues surrounding the abuse.

If she has trouble believing that her interests are "wrong"/"bad"/etc, I'd suggest education can be quite enlightening- reading books, [good] message boards, etc, can sometimes help one understand that kink isn't this horrible monster under the bed that will make the universe shun you.

As for communication- she's gotta grow up and do it. If she can't say things out loud, maybe she can write things down. Sometimes conversations can be easier through email/IM. Eventually, however, she needs to be able to own her interests/desires/needs/wants and discuss them like an adult.

 

[Softouch911]

If she's interested in BDSM, she'll be familiar with "tasks" -- work assigned to submissives by their dominant or top. To go along with CutieMouse's notions on communication, perhaps she would take it as appropriately submissive if you would task her to write in a journal for 15-30 minutes each day and present it to you.

If that sounds useful, I"d suggest beginning with no topics assigned, then after a week, suggest ideas. Then after a month, require her to focus on topics you've decided are of interest.

Tailor it to what she seems to be able to talk about, then gradually lead her into deeper waters.

So far as play is concerned, I have no idea what you do without feedback. I got a divorce because of that problem, so clearly I'm not equipped to advise.

ST

 

[myinnerslut]

If she's interested in BDSM, she'll be familiar with "tasks" -- work assigned to submissives by their dominant or top. To go along with CutieMouse's notions on communication, perhaps she would take it as appropriately submissive if you would task her to write in a journal for 15-30 minutes each day and present it to you.

though i didnt have the same degree of issues about communication, i used to have some pretty bad mental blocks about talking outloud about certan subjects or saying certan words. this used to frustrate my Sir, which in turn wasnt good for me. we started the journal idea a few months ago with amazing results. i have a journal t hat i write in and show to him every time i see him. (now that we are long distance for a while i am to mail smaller journals to him whenever i fill them up). i am supposed to wite about fantasies, desires, suggestions, things i want to try, and any other things i want to say to him but might not want to say out loud. i have found it amazingly helpful.

also you said you get no feedback and dont know what she likes... try giving her a BDSM checklist and having her fill it out for you. its another non-spoken way to communicate and can be incredibly informative

 

[JMohegan]

CutieMouse's suggestion to work through the issues surrounding her abuse directly sounds wise to me. Perhaps the two of you might benefit from joint visits to a counselor or therapist.

I have many ideas for helping the shy or reluctant to speak up, but no experience in helping an abuse victim.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Marquis]

You're going to have to wait for her to come to you man.

I've seen this before and I think I have a good idea what's going on.

Girls like that do better with vanilla guys, honestly.