Need Some Advice

[SilverVeil]

Well if I can't bring it up here at Lit where I am an anon entity I might not ever get the nerve to bring it up anywhere else.

Eventually I will probably need to see some sort of professional counsler about this, but money and no health insurance kind of limits that option for right now.

Since I found Lit.com I have found a place where I feel comfortable talking to others about sex and sexuality subjects.

My problem I need advice about is : when I was 10 yrs old, my brother and a neighbor sexually molested me. It was not violent or anything, they called it "playing doctor".

Right after this happened a few times, I started having problems at home with my parents and in school. I am now 37 yrs old. ( I am female just for your info ) And this has been bothering me for the last couple of years.

In my family for a long time I have been the black sheep. The one who is slightly off kilter from the rest of the family. I was promisicuous ( sp?) from about 16 on, would have sex with men just to feel like someone cared about me.

I have never told my parents what happened. Now my brother, ( there is just the 2 of us in the family, and we were both adopted from different families, so there is no blood relationship between any of us. ) happens to be the favorite child, for lack of a better term. My mom dotes on him, she finances his vehicles and his house, pays for his schooling so he can further his careear as a firefighter/paramedic, where as if I need any sort of assistance I have to crawl begging on my knees and endure a tirade of how worthless a human being I am before even being considered for assistance. ( I have long since learned unless a dire emergency such as breaking my only pair of glasses when I am legally blind w/o them, tis far better to go without than ask for any help from my parents. )

Here is the problem I am faced with now. (Sorry it took so long to get to it.)
My mom has cancer. She has had both breasts removed, and is on a study treatment called Herceptin. ( I think that's the name)
I want to tell her what happened when I was 10. All of it. But I have several difficulties doing this now. 1st is her cancer. This is a double edged sword. If I don't tell her and she dies, then I will never be able to tell her. BUT her health is not really great right now. The other problem with telling her is after all this time, she may not believe me anyway.

I just plain don't know what to do. I have lived with this for 27 yrs now, I am not going to die if I don't tell her. I would like to stop carrying around the baggage though. Any advice would be helpful.

I feel lightened just being able to tell the Board this. Even if no one can think of anything.

Thanks for reading (listening)

 

[schatz]

First off, I'm very sorry for what happened when you were ten. I do not think any child should have to experience that. As for advice...hmm difficult time I'm sure but with matters like this, there never seems to be a good time to broach the subject. You you will not die if you do not tell her but it seems to me you have already been dying on the inside for quite some time. Keeping this inside can lead to depression or other physical ailments(if it hasn't already). If she has given you nothing else over the years then I think she should give you an ear now. Be prepared though that she may not believe you. If you are looking for sympathy in the matter then she may be the one to talk to it about. If you are looking to confront what happened then you may be better off confronting your brother and neighbor about it and allow her to die in peace. It is really difficult to say what you should do as I am not in your shoes. One thing that you should keep in mind though, is that it was not your fault and you should not blame yourself. I do think that the paramount thing is that you get it off your chest but ultimately you must decide who you tell(family member, counselor,etc.).I'm not sure if I've helped or done nothing more than ramble but I hope it helps a little.

 

[Guest]

I went through soemthing similar to your situation when I was 12. It was my grandfather and I did tell my mom. It just happened that noone outside my parents wanted to believe me and I was labeled a little tease and slut. My advice would be to just keep it to yourself. From what you describe of the situation between your mother and your brother, it will only cause a rift between you and your mother because she may take your brothers side. I myself, would rather that not happen, especially since your mom is in bad health. I really can understand how you must feel. This is just what I would do. If I were given the chance to go back, I wouldn't tell anyone but my mom and save her and myself all the grief and heartache that happened when the whole family found out. Good luck and I hope you can find some relief somewhere.

 

[artful]

Emotional Trauma

I can tell,this has been hell for you,but I can assure you,now is too late to go back over the past with ANY of your family.If you think,(as I do)that you need to somehow resolve this issue,and get on with living.I suggest you seek a personal,warm,and caring person you trust to share it with.HOWEVER,if you COULD afford professional help,that would be the best way to go.

May all your "Close Encounters" be of the BEST kind !

 

[girl]

Why, exactly, do you want to tell your mom? I can imagine several reasons, but closure about the event isn't one of them. For closure about the events, I would expect you would need to talk to your brother. Have you talked to him about it?

I would agree with artful in that you should seek out professional help in this instance. While a one-on-one counselling session with a good professional would be the best, there are also support groups which are free that you might consider looking into. Regardless, this is definitely something that you need help with.

As far as telling your mom, you could possibly just tell her that you were molested at 10, but not necessarily tell her by whom. She may not be able to deal with not knowing who, but that option (if you really feel you need to tell her) would perhaps be better than telling her it was her favorite child.

Good luck,
girl

 

[The_Masseur]

First, you should seek someone to talk to. There are people out there whom you can go to who will ask for little or no money. If your local government has a department of health, they'll be able to give you the lowdown on any counselors or programs in the area. You can also go to various clergy for help; most are schooled in counseling, too.

As far as telling your mother, before you do, you should consider why you want to tell her this? Is it truly to seek inner peace, or is it that you want to hurt her for not doting on you as she does him? I ask this not to belittle your pain, but just to consider that if she does die, she may do so alienated from both her children and in great distress. Are you willing to accept that burden? And what of your father (whom I infer is still alive from your post)? Are you prepared that he might turn from you for the rest of his life if things do not work out as planned?

My advice: go to your mother (parents) and make peace. Tell them you love them, ask them to forgive you (even if you don't think you've done anything that needs forgiving, they may think you have, and what harm will words do?), and, in your heart, forgive them.

If you do so, and your mother does die, she'll do so not having lost a son, but regaining a prodigal daughter, and in as much peace as she can find within her. You'll have extracted a measure of payback in that you will have regained your fair share of her love from your brother, and you can always tell her what you need to if she regains her health.

It's always harder to rebuild that which has been broken than to destroy something else as payback, but I believe that you'll be the better (even if it doesn't work out) for having tried.

Seek help above all; don't carry your burden one second longer than you have to.

2¢ (hope it's worth more to you than that, Silver).

 

[SilverVeil]

Sorry ... too many points to quote.

Yes you are right. There are sometimes I do want to lash out and hurt them as I have felt hurt for years. But I have always held back believing that that behavior would make me no better than either of them.

As for the closure issue... I don't feel like there can be any closure for this. My brother and I have not seen each other in over 18 years.

I firmly believe that one of 2 things would happen if I told my mom.

1) She does not believe me.

2) She believes me and it shatters a relationship she has with my brother. And she needs whatever support she can get from people who love her right now.

I got some of it off my chest by talking to ya'll and reading your responses.
It is not healing, but it is a start to being able to talk about it.

After all these years, there is a part of me that feels like I would be selfish for telling this to my family now. I have lived with it for all this time without saying anything to them about it. I will see someone professional about it soon.

But I am a fairly well adjusted, responsible adult now. It has not affected me so much I can not function socially. I am intelligent, smart, and still able to love someone. And I have gotten over feelings of low self worth. My lover is very supportive in everything I do, and his love has helped me realize I am valuable as a person.

So long as I can keep seeing this perspective, I know I can deal with it. I am one of the lucky ones. I know people who are never able to come to grips with being molested as a child.

Again, I thank all of you who responded... I value your opinions highly and appreciate the time you took to write.

For now I will keep my piece and when I can see a professional, I will discuss the situation with them and make sure whatever motive I have for wanting to tell my parents is the right one.

To heal, not to hurt.

Thanks,

Silver

 

[Dynamite]

I'd demand a apology from your brother. Then end it there. That's up to you. It can eat you alive.

I was molested at 10 yrs of age. The bastard who did it was my mother's uncle. He died when I was 15. I told no one until I was 17. I told my mom when I was 21.

Reason I waited so long to tell my mom? Because my mom and her sister were talking about him and all of the shit the bastard had done to them and they were saying they were told to keep their mouths shut. Family just didn't start up things about all that. Had to keep it quiet. I'd shout from the roof tops now if I knew what I know now then.

I think it helped in the situation w/ my God-daughter. She got molested by a daycare worker when she was about 9. He killed himself because he knew he was guilty and didn't want to go to jail. I told her it was a terrible thing that had happened. That God allowed it to happen to her because he knew she'd speak out and stop it from happening to the present kids & the future children. And to get vengance for the past ones too. She's a strong kid. She's a kick-butt girl now.

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

What you may want to do is write everything you can down in a letter. Every emotion and detail. Don't worry about grammer, spelling or flow or anything else you would normally worry about if you were going to give the letter to someone. Just get it out.
No one has to see it. Just do it for yourself.

It may help you to then burn the letter, or save it. Symbolism or what have you.

For me, when I want to get an emotion out it helps to write. That's how I started writing my poetry. I've worked through a lot of pain that way, but once I put it to paper I was able to let it go.

I hope you find your answers soon.

 

[SilverVeil]

What you may want to do is write everything you can down in a letter. Every emotion and detail. Don't worry about grammer, spelling or flow or anything else you would normally worry about if you were going to give the letter to someone. Just get it out.
No one has to see it. Just do it for yourself.

It may help you to then burn the letter, or save it. Symbolism or what have you.

For me, when I want to get an emotion out it helps to write. That's how I started writing my poetry. I've worked through a lot of pain that way, but once I put it to paper I was able to let it go.

I hope you find your answers soon.

You know ... that is a very good idea. I will try it. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[looking4fun]

Silverveil,


I also think you should not tell your mother. My mom died last year from breast cancer. During her 2 year battle with cancer. I felt helpless as there was very little I could do. However I would not of brought up something that would have caused extra stress for my mom regardless of my own personal torment.

Right now your mother & family have some tough times ahead and dealing with another major trauma would be very difficult to handle. Also it would damage the relationship between your mother & either you or your brother.

I seems that you have gotten over the initial trauma of what happen & the results caused by that horrible act done by your brother & neighbor. However you still have issues that your brother who you feel is the worst scum on earth, but your parents still treat him as the "prodical son."

I think you should confront your brother with how you feel & let him know how his actions affected you & your life. I would hope he would feel some remorse. Which might be exactly what you need to hear.

 

[Htown_boy]

Silver- I'm pretty new around here, but I really hate to hear stories of children who were molested. I am so sorry you have to deal with those emotions and thoughts. I don't know if there is a right answer, but I do think it is healthy you are talking about it. I think everyone who has been molested has unique emotions towards their molester and themself. I think you have to do what is in your heart, what will make you feel the best about yourself.
I hope the rest of life is very positive and happy.

H

 

[Vanyel_Ashke]

Silver,

How tragic this is to happen to any child. I have to say that if you have handled it well after all these years, you have shown that you are a woman not to be taken lightly. There are so many women and children who have had their lives damaged beyond all repair from abuse. To be able to reach inside your self to your soul and heal what you can on your own is something a lot of people never learn. Instead they drift through life depending on one person after another to fill a gaping hole inside themselves that can only be filled by seeing their own self worth.

From your post saying how you slept with men just to feel cared about, I can see that you had to do some searching of your own.

I admire you for coming to what terms you have with the issue. And while I can not tell you what to do, I can offer a shoulder for you and an ear to listen if you want a friend to talk to.

I can understand the need for closure of this. And I think no matter what you do, it will be the right thing for your circumstance if it really helps you in the long run. And by taking into consideration your mothers illness and her relationship with your brother, you show that no matter how much they both have caused you pain, you really care for them and could (if you chose to) spare your mother the knowledge of something so terrible that happend right under her nose so many years ago.

You are a loving and caring person Silver.

There are no rose symbols here...just smilies, so I will make my own to give to you.

@ --->----

A silver rose for a silver lady.

 

[Andreina]

whatever you choose to do, do it whole-heartedly... let nobody stand inbetween you and your life.

@--->-->-----------

 

[cellis]

Silver, my sister.... I know what you are going through... there needs to be some kind of validation from your mother for what happened to you as a child... you need to know that your mother believes you and loves you...

Having worked with many survivors....

my first suggestion is to find a copy of "The Courage to Heal" and read it... It has a step by step guide on recovery from childhood incest...

Secondly, find a survivors group... they are all over the place... usually at the local psych hospitals... they are a 12-step group of survivors who can help you heal yourself...

Third... and prehaps most important.... forgiveness comes from within... forgive yourself first... and recognize that you may never have that external validation from your parents for what happened to you... so sad, but so true... I cannot begin to tell you how many women and men I worked with went to their parents with the expectation of acceptance and understanding and it just never happened... so don't expect that anything will change if you tell....

Lastly, and most importantly, create your own family... draw those people to you who have your best interests at heart... those people who can walk with you as you take your journey to recovery... those people who will love you because you are who you are and who can share their experiences, their strengths and their hopes...

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

amen silver

Silver I'm sorry for what you've experienced as a child, and I'm here for u as well! I wouldn't begin 2 tell u what 2 do other than 2 be true 2 yourself first and foremost!!!!

 

[funwdi]

I am sorry to read about your tragedy. It sounds terrible. Two pieces of advice to mull over:
1. There are many places that will let you come in and get help based on your income. Charter is one of them. You can go there and get professional advice, if you want. I strongly suggest that you get some help. It has festered long enough inside of you.

2. I may be crossing the line here, but DON'T tell your mother. Think of the consequences to you alone. She is ill, and you may feel guilt after telling her. I'm not sure she would be responsive after all these years, and her protective mind may not believe you. People hear what they want and believe what they want.

3. After you get help, talk with your brother. He is the one that needs to help you resolve this matter. He has probably been living with guilt and shame for 27 years. Get it OUT in the OPEN! It will probably help you both.

How terrible for you to have to deal with. BUT you MUST deal with it. It's probably already caused problems in your adult life. Good luck to you...I hope the very best outcome for you!