Need Mentor

[race_1962]

I have just completed my first rough draft and I would greatly appreciate an experienced writer's opinion. Attached is my story, but it is without an ending. I truly desire candid feedback on my story. Perhaps some ideas on how it would end would be nice, too.

Please email me with your comments, suggestions, and/or opinions on my story. Thanks in advance, I look forward to your replies.

Sincerely,

Dan

 

[race_1962]

Was my story that poor? I was disappointed that I did not get one reply. Please give me some advice.

 

[Quint]

Race,

Go through "Story Feedback" like you're supposed to, and you might get more of a response.

 

[Guest]

Sorry, I am new to the board and thought that area was for stories published on there web site.

Race

 

[Couture]

Aw, come on, help the guy out.

Okay, here's my opinion for what it's worth.

Cut out the first few paragraphs. Start with the action ie the cybersex paragraph. You've got to have some sort of hook to keep the reader interested and three paragraphs on your wife an d your occupation ain't cutting it. You can include the background information during the course of the story if you feel that it will add to it.

The other problem is that the story reads like a manual. It's a first person story, so get into your head and tell me how it felt while all this was going on. What were you thinking?

Less narration, more dialogue, more action.

 

[Hitchhiker]

Sorry to be a parrot but Contour is right


Write a story like you would make love get them interested and then go for it.

This is the authors hang out YES?

 

[Showman]

It's not bad for a first draft.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I just gave it a look through.

One other word of advice, get rid of the numbers.

There is never any need to give height, weight, bra size, or cock length in a story. Well, perhaps in the instance of a miniscule cock, but beyond that there isn't.

Use adjectives in their places.

"I'm 5'10" and women have called me handsome." Okay. So?

I'm 5'1" and guys have said that I'm pretty." What does that tell you about me? Do you get any feeling toward me or is it just something you're inclined to ignore?

Make description meaningful.

 

[jon.hayworth]

Dan,

You must be feeling pretty bruised, like you've been put through a mangle and I am afraid I will only add to the pain. Hopefully you use the pain to develop your writing skills.

I agree with Couture junk Para's one and two. Para three needs to be shortened. Try a rerite in the third person and use the characters dialogue to advance the description.

Show don't tell. Remember your readers have their own experiences and imaginations from which they will construct visual images.

If you want to see an example of "show don't tell" Go to the Story Feedback Forum and take a look at Wildsweetone's 500 word story. - An exercise in giving the key words to make the reader conjour up mental images.

Keep on trying and honing the art of story telling.

jon

 

[race_1962]

Thanks for the honest feedback, this is exactly what I was looking for. I only disagree with the one reply from KillerMuffin becuase I think it is important part of the story. I for one like an idea on how the character's look, but judging from what I read here, I am probably wrong again.

I will work on the revison. Be honest, was there any good parts?

Race

 

[Weird Harold]

I only disagree with the one reply from KillerMuffin becuase I think it is important part of the story. I for one like an idea on how the character's look, but judging from what I read here, I am probably wrong again.

I think you missed KM's point. It's not that you shouldn't show what characters look like, it's that a single paragraph filled with numbers -- like a reward poster -- don't give the reader a picture of what a character looks like.

Characters should be described, they just shouldn't be described all at once in a way that distracts the reader from the story.

For example, a 5'11" blonde woman could better be described as, "A tall leggy blonde," when first seen in your story. Later, you can add, "She was just a bit shorther than my own six-foot even," if her exact height is necessary to the story.

Describing your characters with a list of measurements and colors, all lumped together in one place does nothing to describe your characters, really. Can you, or anyone else, really picture a woman just from a list of her measurements? Do you think of women you meet on the street as finite numbers, or do you think of them as "hot," "busty," "sweet," or some other subjective measurement?

Spread your descriptions out over the course of the story, in much the same way that people notice things about people in R/L, as specific characteristics become important to the story. You'll find that you paint a better picture of your characters, and your readers will come to know them as characters instead of pictures on the Post Office walls.