Need marital advice!! Help me!!!

[slothman]

just need a little advice:

I am separated from my wife by my career. she has another man living with her and my children. she swears she still loves me and I love her with all my heart. I'm confused and lonely, I haven't cheated on her and don't want to. Help me

 

[Cheyenne]

What explanation does she give for having another man live with her and your children while you are away?

And unless you are military, can't you change jobs in this good economy so that you can be home with your wife and kids?

 

[slothman]

you guessed it, I'm military. I know it gets lonely, she left when the army wanted her to go to counselling for alcohol and wanted to interview the children. she took off and swears she still loves me, but I am so far away.

 

[Cheyenne]

There are lots of current and ex-military people at Lit. I think one of them may be able to help you more with ideas- I don't have a clue what services are available to you to help you with this. But there should be help for you somehow, especially if there's any chance the kids are at risk being with her. (I'm just guessing, based on your reference to alcohol being a concern.)

There must be counseling of some kind that you can go to? Even if it is just you going alone without her with you?

 

[slothman]

the whole problem is that I love her with all my heart. I know that she is not good for me, but I always give her another chance. I'm not a loser or ugly, but I am a one woman kind of man.

 

[Weird Harold]

the whole problem is that I love her with all my heart. I know that she is not good for me, but I always give her another chance. I'm not a loser or ugly, but I am a one woman kind of man.

I'm afraid I can't offer you much encouragement until your enlistment is up.

I'm a retired USAF E7, and twice divorced because I chose to marry two women who couldn't deal with the military and the separations involved.

I do suggest you talk to the chaplain and/or your commander about what you can do to get your children out of her care. Especially if you think she's still drinking. You may be reduced to calling the child protective services wherever she's living and have them taken into foster care until you can arrange for them to join you.

I can tell you that being a single parent in the military is a horribly stressful experience, and should be undertaken only as a last resort. Unless you are seriously concerned for their safety, then leving them with her until you are discharged might be the lesser of two evils.

The chaplain's office deals with your situation far more often than they could wish, but it does provide them with a wealth of experience. My experience with the chaplain's office leads me to believe you will NOT be chastised or preached to, but rather given what aid and comfort they can provide. It's inevitable that religion will enter into things, but it shouldn't dominate.

If you can't deal with the chaplains, then your First Sergeant or Commander should be able to assist or direct you to assistance.

The prognosis for your marriage isn't good, but I wish you the best in resolving things as much as they can be resolved.

 

[fgarvb1]

slothman... that's about the only way i have not been screwed over a woman. not much you can do until you get
out of the service. when you do get out you have some choices to make. than you may want to seek some help for yourself..even if you were ok to start with being in a disfunctional relation for very long makes you somewhat disfunctional also. you owe it to yourself and your kids
to find out what i am talking about. a happier life awaits
it only takes a lot of guts, sweat,tears..and a little money and some time to get there.

i have walked thru the fire of relationship hell more than
than once..now i refuse to go. luck..fgarvb1

 

[slothman]

thanks for all the support. I am still confused but I don't feel as alone as I did. For that, thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I know I sound like a pussy whipped idiot, and maybe I am, it's just that she represented everything I wanted in life.....wife, family, stability. After nearly twenty years of living out of a ruck sack in some shithole, I figured I earned the right to a normal life. Again, thank you all.

 

[Weird Harold]

...it's just that she represented everything I wanted in life.....wife, family, stability.

I have to ask -- and you should ask yourself -- "Is it her, or the idea of a wife, family and stability that inclines you to stay married?"

 

[Cheyenne]

I have to ask -- and you should ask yourself -- "Is it her, or the idea of a wife, family and stability that inclines you to stay married?"

That's it! There was something about the way that was worded that made me do a second take when I read it. You hit the issue right on the head, I think.

 

[Weird Harold]

You hit the issue right on the head, I think.

Sadly, that was because it was a question I had to ask myself -- Twice.

 

[slothman]

believe me, I've asked myself the same thing, the only thing I know is...no one makes feel as loved or cared about as this woman. I have been around the world once or twice but this woman is the only one that ever took my heart. Probably she isn't good for me, but she is the only one that has ever made me give of myself, and not just some line of bullshit! I am still confused, I am not happy now, but I'm not able to go back to my former,happy go lucky "use em like a beer and crush the can" life!

 

[Nobody Special's wife]

I do believe she had that choice to live on base with you are in a houseing.....If I'm correct sounds to me she got out of the kitchen....You need to find a better woman ....Plus think about getting you kids as soon as you can ......Adultry is a crime in the milatary I'm very proud to say that at least you didn't go that route...But if she loves you She shouldn't be liveing with a man in her home inless it was family!! I would tell you to move on Finish you military carrer your better off with that ....And you will be able to fine a good job when your out so good luck with every thing have fun and Don't worry about the small stuff ...You can make things right later .....its better to be late than never saying what you want!!



THE WIFE

 

[Guest]

Please respect yourself enough to demand respect from her. In a marriage if you do not have that you have nothing. You can find someone who you can share that with. I hate to say it but it seems she has. I know it's tough to move on when you have kids... but sometimes you just HAVE TO. Leave her but not the kids, they will love and need you forever so do everything you can to be there for them. You will find some one! Ask all of these ladies .. All women love a man in uniform.

 

[brazenblaze]

Don't let the depth of your own emotions cloud your judgement. You seem like a wonderful man and you can do better. Military life is HARD. But a woman knows what she is getting into, and there are no excuses. As a soldier and a wife of a soldier, you have to put yourself into the marriage 24 & 7. If she has moved a man in with her and the kids, cut your losses. If you are worried about the kids, get help for the Chaplain, your CO or 1SG, ASAP, or one of the many other agencies available.

I've pulled the single soldier routine and the dual military routine...yes it is hard at times, but you do what you have to do for your children. Plus you'd be suprised how many people out there are raising their kids alone, and how many friends you actually have.

An just think, while you're pining away, that special someone is out there waiting.

Hope this helps and know that there are a lot of Uncle Sam's soldiers out here ready to help.

 

[Weird Harold]

Military life is HARD. But a woman knows what she is getting into, and there are no excuses.

I have to disagree with this assertion.

Neither of my ex-wives had any idea of what kind of stress marrying into the military would be. Over 21 years, I counseled many subordinates whose wives had no idea what they were getting into.

Based on my experience, I'd have to say that most military wives had no way of knowing just how hard military service can be on a marriage. Especially those young wives of first-termers -- young men who haven't got enough experience with the military themselves to know the problems.

 

[brazenblaze]

I stand corrected on the first-termers, but on the whole I will continue to disagree. I have counseled many of my subordinates and others. The first question I ask the spouses (male and female)is "what did you expect Military life to be like?" All of them reply that they knew that it would be hard, and that they knew there would be long seperations, they just thought they could handle it better. Well, in my book, that is their failure, not the soldiers. He or she never lied about what he/she did and usually they are very up front about the hours spent on the job. But when a spouse asks you to choose between the two, I find that to totally against the rules. I've pulled USAREC duty and DI duty, both hubby and I have had our hard times, but we both know that what we do is more important than our petty tears.

I'll be first to admit its hard, we are currently seperated and every day is a struggle, but love, commitment and good friends hold us together. The funny part is that after every seperation, we laugh about how adolescent we were during the seperation. No secrets!!!

Sorry if I got a little carried away, just don't have a lot of sympathy for women you blame the military for their inability to commit to their husbands. Seen too many of my soldiers play the fool.
((stepping down from my soapbox))