Need Help With This Pickle Of A Dilly!!!

[Mac98]

Hello again, my HT friends. I'm in quite the dilema here and thought what better place to ask for advice than HT Cafe...

Anyone familiar with my earlier posts or who are at least familiar with my love situation knows that love has been a complicated issue spiraling around me all my life. I was hoping the steam would turn, but it didn't.

I've been working at a small cafe for the past 8 months (ever since school started in late August) with a 90% female staff (in exception to me, the boss and the boss's cousin, it's an all-female cast). So far, everything had been going great. The pays are mediocre, the tips are ok, but it's been enough to put money aside and sustain a healthy relationship with the boss and co-workers.

However, recently, I've been getting the sinking suspicion that one of the girls there has a thing for me... which I find hard to understand, given that she's seen me with my silly Cafe get-up on with the retard hat that comes with it, but the signs seem to point to that. The thing is this: She has a house, a boyfriend, a new car, a dog and is well on her way to starting a life. Just that in itself should be enough to say this is an area I don't wanna' cross, but to top it off, I'm just not in to her like that. She's really cool and all and I love working with her because she doesn't take herself seriously (at all) and likes taking things smoothly in a stressful, rush-hour environment. And she likes hockey!! But I'm just not physically attracted to her. Not the least bit.

But I'm in quite the pickadilly dilemma here. See, I'm not a 100% certain she's in to me. I just get that feeling. For example: The other day, when I got in to work, she said she wanted to invite me over with her friend to watch the game (which is weird, considering I've never hung out with her outside of work) but said she hesitated because she thought I wouldn't want to... to which I didn't give a straight answer. Then, again, yesterday, she asked me if I was coming over to her BBQ (which is today). She invited everyone from work, but asked if I wanted to drop by earlier to go to the park and play with her dog (she has a gorgeous Husky/Collie that I keep telling her is awesome). She's also gotten into the habbit of helping me out at work for no apparent reason. Little things like cleaning up the shop, or going to get the dishes at the tables (yes, there is much pride in what I do).

So here I am, unsure weather this is my vivid imagination taking control of something that isn't what I think it is or am I really in this shitball ready to hit the speeding fan? I don't know weather I should talk to her about it or just let it go. If I talk to her and she admits it, I know exactly how to let her down easy, because I've been in her shoes before and it's perhaps the shittiest emotional feeling there is. However, if I'm wrong, then I might lose a potential friend in her and heck, maybe end up making her think I'm into her. I'm also weary of doing anything out of fear of making things weird at work. I like my job, I enjoy the people I work with so I hope to stay there as long as I can.

I'm going nuts with this. I feel both guilty and awkward. I know what it's like to be in her position (if she DOES have a thing for me, that is) yet I don't want to pretend there's something between us or even just ignore it all. In the end, that'll only hurt her more and I don't wanna' do that. I've been in love with a girl that was just out of reach. I never ended up telling her how I felt and she never had a clue about it. In the end, the hurting didn't stop until I accepted the fact that I'd never be with her and that I had to move on... and still today, I can't say I'm totally over all of it. And all this, if it's what I think it is, brings back some old scars for me and I don't want someone to go through what I went through.


...am I over-thinking this?? Or am I really up Shit's creek without a paddle?

 

[kittyn_]

You're over thinking it.

Yeah, she may be into you, but a lot of girls are flirty by nature and that's the end of the story. I'd say that as long as she's inviting you to her home, where her boyfriend is, you don't need to worry about her motives. If you want to make it clear without having a sit down talk about it, I'd say when she invites you over as a friend/coworker, just nix any before or after invites that aren't made to everyone.

There's always the option of mentioning a girlfriend, rather you have one or not. The type of interest she expresses tends to be a good clue of rather she's actually into you, or just helping you out and socializing with you like she would any friend. Just be wary of "Oh, bring her, too!" statements, those are tricky.

 

[Mac98]

haha, yes, lying... but it is not the way of my people. I kid, of course, but I'm just not that great a liar. She knows I'm single.

And yes, I've taken into consideration she maybe just trying to be friendly, but the thing is that it's not how she is with the other co-workers. I mean, she's not a bitch or anything like that, she just seems more friendly with me than others. But yeah, I guess I can try being subtle about it and give her some sort of vague idea of how I feel. That might work, I just don't wanna' give the wrong impression.

Thanks for the advice.

Oh, and I want to make this clear. I'm not bragging about any of this or trying to make myself look better than I actually do. I even said: How she'd ever rack up feelings for me while I'm in my black, coffee stain'd uniform boggles my mind...

 

[kittyn_]

But by your own admission, most of her other coworkers are female, excluding your boss and one of his relatives. That's why I don't think the information you presented is in any way conclusive. I know I flirt like mad without meaning to with male friends. Whom I have 0 interest in. From the sound of it, the only time she's invited you over her b/f is there, so I wouldn't see it as an advance, more of a neutral territory for everyone involved, where it (in theory) couldn't be taken as having an interest in you past the friendly.

That's how I'd take it anyway. I could be completely off base.

 

[Mac98]

No, that would make sense... I'm not sure her boyfriend was ALWAYS there when she's invited me, but you could be right... Hadn't thought of it that way. Thanks.

 

[hidden_self]

Here's my take.

Yeah, she's flirting. How serious that is is hard to know. But that also doesn't really *matter* so long as you can gently communicate up-front that you're only interested in being friends and that it's important to you to not interfere with her relationship.

So, maybe, the next time she invites you to do something, if it's not clear whether or not her boyfriend would be there. (Say, the dog to the park again.) You can say, "Well, I'd enjoy that, but I just want to be sure of something. I know this is probably crazy old-fashioned of me, but I want to be sure. Is your boyfriend okay with you having friends who are guys? I mean, I sure wouldn't want to cause any problems at home."

That communicates your message of "I see you as a friend" while also winning you points for being super-thoughtful and considerate and respectful.

Just an idea.

 

[Mac98]

Hmm... maybe that could work, I'm just not sure if I'd pass as somewhat conceited and insane. Conceited may not be the right term, but in the sense of "don't flatter yourself". That's what sucks, though... any way I seem to hack at this, I don't want it to interfere with work.

I'll see where this takes me and if I see it goes too far, then maybe your idea'll be an option.

 

[SweetErika]

Why worry about something that's not certain, or even currently a reality?

Sure, you could worry about having to let her down as easy as possible and the chance of her liking you interfering with your work, but what's the point when you don't even know if she likes you as more than a friend AND you're not interested in a relationship with her? Why not wait until she actually approaches you about being more than platonic, if that ever even happens?

Basically, it seems like you're stressing yourself out over nothing at all by worrying about possibilities that you have very little evidence to support. Unless you're seriously into emotional masochism, stop doing that. Enjoy the friendship/co-worker relationship, and leave it at that.

 

[subwannabe]

"love has been a complicated issue spiraling around me all my life"

I can see why. You're not even physically attracted to this person and you are going through all this soul searching? Why don't you put all of your energies to work at getting out of your rutt and finding someone that doesn't complicate your love life?

 

[Noor]

She is probably just trying to match you up with a friend or maybe she thinks you are gay so feels safe with you.

I wouldn't worry about it. Bring a friend if you go to her house. If you aren't comfortable just tell her you aren't able to come.

I am opposed to work social relationships with your preferred sexual gender and at this point even relationships with customers/volunteers from work because it makes you and/or the other person a captive audience at times.

Long ago I remember an old friend/former lover quitting his job when we first met and started getting involved, I didn't understand it then but I understand it now.

 

[Mac98]

Why worry about something that's not certain, or even currently a reality?

Sure, you could worry about having to let her down as easy as possible and the chance of her liking you interfering with your work, but what's the point when you don't even know if she likes you as more than a friend AND you're not interested in a relationship with her? Why not wait until she actually approaches you about being more than platonic, if that ever even happens?

Basically, it seems like you're stressing yourself out over nothing at all by worrying about possibilities that you have very little evidence to support. Unless you're seriously into emotional masochism, stop doing that. Enjoy the friendship/co-worker relationship, and leave it at that.

That makes sense. I am aware that I'm probably stressing out for nothing, but I'm new to this (being potentially flirted with by a co-worker I'm not in to). I've decided to let it go and until I'm certain about how she feels, then I'll make a move in consequence.

"love has been a complicated issue spiraling around me all my life"

I can see why. You're not even physically attracted to this person and you are going through all this soul searching? Why don't you put all of your energies to work at getting out of your rutt and finding someone that doesn't complicate your love life?

It's not soul searching, it's just trying not to make someone go through what I've been through. I'd call that "thoughtfulness" more than "soul searching".

She is probably just trying to match you up with a friend or maybe she thinks you are gay so feels safe with you.

I wouldn't worry about it. Bring a friend if you go to her house. If you aren't comfortable just tell her you aren't able to come.

I am opposed to work social relationships with your preferred sexual gender and at this point even relationships with customers/volunteers from work because it makes you and/or the other person a captive audience at times.

Long ago I remember an old friend/former lover quitting his job when we first met and started getting involved, I didn't understand it then but I understand it now.

I don't think she's trying to match me up with a friend, cuz a) I don't know any of her friends (and they don't know me) and B) she's not the "matchmaker" type (she's a firm believer of fate, see...) And I doubt she thinks I'm gay... I work in a shopping mall and so I spend much of my time oggling the women that pass by. It's like all the models go out shopping every day, it's nuts! I don't get why this shopping mall attracts so many good looking people. Do you know??

 

[silverwhisper]

mac: what erika said. you really gotta stop overthinking things quite as much, man. :>

ed

 

[ryan63]

She may simply think your a nice guy that would be a good addition to her circle of friends. Hell she might even think you and her boyfriend have a lot in common. She might be trying to get her significant other a bro-friend. Chicks do it all the time. But what's to lose your young and shouldn't restrict yourself so much. She may turn out to be the best friend you ever have.

 

[Mac98]

She may simply think your a nice guy that would be a good addition to her circle of friends. Hell she might even think you and her boyfriend have a lot in common. She might be trying to get her significant other a bro-friend. Chicks do it all the time. But what's to lose your young and shouldn't restrict yourself so much. She may turn out to be the best friend you ever have.

Maybe, but the few times I've been over to her house, her boyfriend always hides in his room smoking weed and listening to music. He's not very sociable, which is fine, it's not that big a deal anyways. But ya, like I said. I'm just going to let this slide and let whatever happens happen.

mac: what erika said. you really gotta stop overthinking things quite as much, man. :>

ed

Yes, I know Ed. This has been an issue with me for a long ass time. I overthink everything always. And we all know that overthinking, overanalyzing seperates the body from the mind, right? But overthinking seems to have worked so well in other areas of my life, so I've gone into the habbit of doing that. But I'm aware that I should just start going dully and innocently head first into what I'm unfamiliar with.

 

[subwannabe]

I still don't understand why you are giving all this thought to having a possible relationship with someone you admit to not even being attracted too. You're just inviting more bad crap in relationships, which you admit haven't been good.

 

[fuckmeat]

People flirt. They mostly do it to feel good about themselves. If they're women, they mostly don't plan on actually hooking up with someone.

Your 'piccadilly' seems to be whether you're stupid enough to jeopardise a friendship, a co-worker rapport and break up a relationship just because you think there's a small chance that you could get laid by a woman you're not even attracted to.

That's seriously a dilemma for you?

 

[silverwhisper]

mac quoth:
but i'm aware that i should just start going dully and innocently head first into what i'm unfamiliar with.

it isn't that you should walk into things cold, but you're making a really bad comparison b/c you're comparing a ridiculous extreme (head first into what you're unfamiliar with) with another ridiculous extreme, this non-stop overthink-the-fuck-out-of-something-that's-at-best-a-trivial-issue. i like you mac, but seriously, your sense of proportion is completely out to lunch here. at worst, this is a mild inconvenience, man!

ed

 

[fuckmeat]

this is a mild inconvenience, man!

ed

Hahaha!

fistpalm

"Holy mild inconvenience Batman!"

 

[satindesire]

If every guy I treated sweetly thought I liked him, I'd have problems.

....hey, wait a second...!

 

[Mac98]

I still don't understand why you are giving all this thought to having a possible relationship with someone you admit to not even being attracted too. You're just inviting more bad crap in relationships, which you admit haven't been good.

Wait, I hope I wasn't misunderstood. I'm not looking to get into a relationship with her nor, like Fuckmeat (I still find that name awesome for some odd reason) said, get laid by her. I was just somewhat anxious that perhaps I'd have to at one point tell her I'm not interested which could/would complicate things.

People flirt. They mostly do it to feel good about themselves. If they're women, they mostly don't plan on actually hooking up with someone.

Your 'piccadilly' seems to be whether you're stupid enough to jeopardise a friendship, a co-worker rapport and break up a relationship just because you think there's a small chance that you could get laid by a woman you're not even attracted to.

As I said to sub, I'm not looking to get laid at all... well, at least not with her, I should say... I'm content with having a friendship, but nothing more. This being said, I can't tell if I'm stupid enough to jeopordise a potential friendship... as you may have noticed, I'm a poor judge in these situations.

it isn't that you should walk into things cold, but you're making a really bad comparison b/c you're comparing a ridiculous extreme (head first into what you're unfamiliar with) with another ridiculous extreme, this non-stop overthink-the-fuck-out-of-something-that's-at-best-a-trivial-issue. i like you mac, but seriously, your sense of proportion is completely out to lunch here. at worst, this is a mild inconvenience, man!

ed

I know. Maybe my life is so boring that I try to analyse everything and nothing till I start inventing problems for myself... either that or maybe I'm just boarderline insane and imagining things that aren't real. I guess I'll never know, and maybe that's a good thing.

 

[coastal-boy]

stop over thinking it and go and watch the damn hockey game. Hockey is meant to have fun...it just comes naturally.

 

[Mac98]

Ya, and WHAT a game!!

GO HABS GO!!!!!!!

 

[Luna_Bella]

I am with you on this one GO HABS GO!!! they rocked lastnight game not to mention that #13 alone is enough to keep me watching

 

[coastal-boy]

Ya, and WHAT a game!!

GO HABS GO!!!!!!!

I love game 7's. Hawks facing Sharks in the west...no surprise there. But the East always leaves me dumbfounded. I can never tell who is going to come out there. 2 months ago, who would have said the Habs would still be in it (having had to face the Caps) let alone possibly taking out Sid and Co.

 

[coastal-boy]

and so they did...not even a close game. The Flyers came back from 3 games down to force a game 7. How unpredicatable.