Need help with girlfriend!!

[tealsphynx]

Hi all...I'm at a loss what to say anymore. A girlfriend of mine comes to me for consolation about her husband's porn and masturbation habits. It bothers her that he masturbates and that he has porn (she has recently gone through the house and hidden all his magazines which I think is wrong). Her reasoning is that because she doesn't masturbate, neither should he...she also has this strange idea in her head that his porn habits will lead him to cheating on her (I've always found a healthy porn and masturbation habit can curb cheating in a good relationship..).
As her girlfriend I feel an obligation to ease her troubled mind..but I'm at a loss as to what to tell her. I like porn, I masturbate...I even have a good collection of toys to aid in my self pleasuring journies. I love that my husband likes porn and masturbates (really helpful when I have 2or3 day stretches where I'm not in the mood, I know he's got some kind of satisfaction)...sometimes when I catch him mastubating (because I was asleep) I'll get on my knees in front of him and give him oral while he watches porn (he LOVES it!)....
I would guess based on the location of this bulletin board the people here have little or no problem with either porn or masturbation....But perhaps someone might have advice on something nicer to say than "MEN MASTURBATE PERIOD...YOU CAN'T STOP IT, TRY IT SOMETIME IT'S HEALTHY FOR YOU!!" because that's what I want to tell her, but I REALLY don't want to lose her friendship...help?

 

[Candee]

My best friend is like that, she caught her husband jerking off to some porn on the internet and cancelled it the next day while he was at work. She's getting a little better about it but that's mainly because she's losing her interest in sex all together.

Have you tried maybe being honest with her about your masterbation habits? That it is something that alot of people do and enjoy. Explaining maybe why you look at porn yourself would help her understand why her husband looks at it.

I've asked my husband when he looks at porn what does he get out of it and he has no real firm answer on it, just that now and then he enjoys it and it switches things up for him. I'm all for it, love porn and will get us porn to watch when we are both in the mood for it.

Good luck! Maybe someone else has some better advice!

 

[tealsphynx]

I've briefly discussed my own habits with her, and even let her borrow a book I have called "Everything Your Mother Never Told You About S.E.X." It's written by a gynecologist on sexual health in all factors...mental, physical and (lighlty) spiritual. It suggests things like self exploration with a hand mirror, masturbation, sex toys, sexual discussion, fantasy...lots of different things about sex. I had hoped it would spark some curiosity into her own sexual desires...let her get past her stigma that masturbation is dirty and wrong. It kinda hurt when I shared my feelings on porn and masturbation with her because I do feel it is a healthy thing...it allows me to learn my own sexual triggers...lets me explore my own levels of orgasm and how to (attempt)to control them. She didn't say anything, she looked at me kinda funny and disgusted....I wish I had my copy of "A Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex"....it's waaay more open on the possible importance of masturbation and self exploration to a healthy sex life and sexual attitude.
Another issue that I have with her problems with his self pleasuring is that she almost never initiates sex with him...when they do have sex he has to start it....I was in a relationship like that. I had to do all the initiation..he always told me "what does it matter who starts it? It's still sex."...but the truth is, it gets boring being the initiator all the time...it got to the point that I felt insecure about myself sexually (hence the sexual self help books)...I was constantly asking myself "Is he having sex with me because he really wants me. Or am I so unbearable to have sex with that he only does it because I won't leave him alone about it" so I can understand a bit what her husband might be feeling...also I feel that porn can be a healthy way to deal with fantasies that might not necesarily be possible (like sex with a contortionist, which I'm not)....oooh I feel so lost

 

[budderfwy]

I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, teals, I wish I did tho. I have a friend just like yours, her parents raised her in a very VERY strict household, real religious and whatnot. She has always thought that viewing porn or masterbating is the exact same as having a full on adulterous affair. I completely don't get it, I just don't see the big deal.

I go get porn mags, movies, toys whatever and surprise my man with them quite often. I've told her about it and she thinks its disgusting. Of course this is from the woman who has never had a quickie. Man you should have been in the conversation about that one. Her husband looks at porn on the puter, from what I understand (this comes from M) calls the "talk lines" and so on and so forth. I'm not even sure why they are together anymore.

Some women just view it differently and there really isn't anything you can say to them.

 

[MintSoda]

This sounds bad. Oddly enough your friend may actually be driving her husband to cheat by taking away his porn and masturbation. Let's face it men like sex, men want sex, and if you aren't giving men sex, they will often seek sex elsewhere.

One thing you could tell her is that she should tell her husband "I'll give you sex whenever you want it if you stop masturbating to porn." I'd give her a week before she would start buying porn for him and telling him to leave her the heck alone for five seconds.

What this really sounds like is an insecurity issue on her part. Her sexuality sounds so repressed and so wrapped up in her husband's sexual behavior that porn in her mind is cheating and insulting to her. It also sounds like she's something of a control freak, as in sex on my schedule when I feel like it, and that's a superb way to drive a man to cheat.

Fact of the matter is, it sounds like her husband is masturbating because he does love her, does respect her sexual schedule by not pestering her endlessly for sex when she's not in the mood, and doesn't want to cheat on her.

Taking away his porn and telling him not to masturbate to keep him from cheating is like trying to put out a bonfire with gasoline.

 

[Lynxie]

This sounds bad. Oddly enough your friend may actually be driving her husband to cheat by taking away his porn and masturbation. Let's face it men like sex, men want sex, and if you aren't giving men sex, they will often seek sex elsewhere.

One thing you could tell her is that she should tell her husband "I'll give you sex whenever you want it if you stop masturbating to porn." I'd give her a week before she would start buying porn for him and telling him to leave her the heck alone for five seconds.

What this really sounds like is an insecurity issue on her part. Her sexuality sounds so repressed and so wrapped up in her husband's sexual behavior that porn in her mind is cheating and insulting to her. It also sounds like she's something of a control freak, as in sex on my schedule when I feel like it, and that's a superb way to drive a man to cheat.

Fact of the matter is, it sounds like her husband is masturbating because he does love her, does respect her sexual schedule by not pestering her endlessly for sex when she's not in the mood, and doesn't want to cheat on her.

Taking away his porn and telling him not to masturbate to keep him from cheating is like trying to put out a bonfire with gasoline.

Well said, Mintsoda. Teal, while I know your friend's beliefs frustrate you, I'm not sure you're going to be able to change her ways. You've already done your part by discussing your habits and giving her the book, and it's up to her to come to terms with her sexuality from this point on. By telling you about her husband and how she hid his porn, she's looking for your sympathy. She wants you to agree. Deep down, maybe she's hoping you agree so she can justify her own fears of masturbation. I don't know. If I were in your shoes, I would tell my friend that I'd prefer not to talk about it with her, since she already knew I had opposing views on the situation. Hopefully she'd respect that, and would understand that I was trying to avoid a fight.

However, if you wanted to have a more productive conversation, you could ask her why she feels that masturbation and porn are so wrong. Ask her if she thinks you're a bad person for doing it, and why she thinks it will lead to cheating (even though studies have shown that men who masturbate are less likely to stray from their marriages). See if you can at least get her thinking - tell her she doesn't have to agree that masturbation is good, but she should at least be able to list some real reasons for why it's bad in her eyes.

 

[Travelintheways]

I mostly agree with the above posts except for a couple of things.

First, telling her that she may be driving him to infidelity. For one thing, I personally believe "driving" someone to infidelity is a load of crap, and secondly, telling her so will probably do more harm than good--put her on the defensive, make her feel like you're taking sides. I definitely feel for the husband here, but my job as a friend doesn't seem to be taking sides but listening and offering advice if desired.

Second, telling her that she should make herself available to his whim if he gives up porn/masturbation. Again, this just sounds like a recipe for disaster. I think the problem with the above two is focusing the problem and solution on him when it really seems to be your friend's problem. Solutions should likewise be centered on her, IMHO.

I don't have anything to add; like I said, most of the advice here sounds good to me. I think it's possible that this woman isn't going to change her stance though, especially if religion is a factor. It's hard to explain away the lustful thoughts=adultery if it's ingrained enough. But for the sake of the couple, I do hope they can work something out, and with a friend as dedicated as you, I think they have a good chance of success

 

[DevilBoy79]

this sounds like a need for a nice long drawn out talk or maybe counseling (sp?) if this is such an isue it doesnt seem to be a totally open relationship mentally which could be do to parental/church programming "this is bad dont do it" kind of thing. no matter what the other likes doing or dont a lil cooperation is needed maybe cut down masterbating a little maybe masterbatew together something, i wish i could find my one school bok from human sexualities class it said how to deal with issues similar to this, i'll wake up some and try to find it then post what it says