Need help with editing, apparently?

[Lombardi66]

So if you don’t mind, I’ll wrangle your first few sentences around a bit?

Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair somewhat impatiently and looked around at the other men sitting around him, almost 30 in all.


Lotta stuff could be cut. “somewhat impatiently” is implied in the gesture of tapping fingers. My characters do a lot of looking too but you can almost always get rid of most “looking” type verbs. When you write rounded numbers like “30,” I find readers most take it as an approximation, so the “almost . . . in all” can be gotten rid of.

I think I’d just do, “Attai tapped his fingers at the 30 men sitting around him.”

Most of them appeared to be around his age 25, though a few were graying and likely middle-aged.


I’m not sure why the narrator goes to the age of the men sitting around the narrator here. Maybe save that for when you’ve established more of a setting?

While there were some who talked among themselves, overall there was a quietness reflecting everyone’s trepidation.


“Some talked but quiet trepidation hung in the air”?

Maybe here is the place to put the bit about the ages of the men, and then the later bit about the strangers showing up on the doorstep, with just a few tweaks.
A few of the men were older, but most looked to be in their 20s, his age. He wondered if the younger men had ended up here the same way he had, with strangers showing up on their doorstep.

So,

“Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair somewhat impatiently and looked around at the other men sitting around him, almost 30 in all. Most of them appeared to be around his age 25, though a few were graying and likely middle-aged. While there were some who talked among themselves, overall there was a quietness reflecting everyone’s trepidation. He could only surmise that they’d ended up here the same way he had, with strangers showing up on his doorstep.”

Becomes

“Mattai tapped his fingers at the 30 men sitting around him. Some talked but quiet trepidation hung in the air. A few of the men were older, but most looked to be in their 20s, his age. He wondered if the younger men had ended up here the same way he had, with strangers showing up on their doorstep.”


Which I think is a little bit more stable.

 

[The_gladiator]

So if you don’t mind, I’ll wrangle your first few sentences around a bit?

Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair somewhat impatiently and looked around at the other men sitting around him, almost 30 in all.


Lotta stuff could be cut. “somewhat impatiently” is implied in the gesture of tapping fingers. My characters do a lot of looking too but you can almost always get rid of most “looking” type verbs. When you write rounded numbers like “30,” I find readers most take it as an approximation, so the “almost . . . in all” can be gotten rid of.

I think I’d just do, “Attai tapped his fingers at the 30 men sitting around him.”

Most of them appeared to be around his age 25, though a few were graying and likely middle-aged.


I’m not sure why the narrator goes to the age of the men sitting around the narrator here. Maybe save that for when you’ve established more of a setting?

While there were some who talked among themselves, overall there was a quietness reflecting everyone’s trepidation.


“Some talked but quiet trepidation hung in the air”?

Maybe here is the place to put the bit about the ages of the men, and then the later bit about the strangers showing up on the doorstep, with just a few tweaks.
A few of the men were older, but most looked to be in their 20s, his age. He wondered if the younger men had ended up here the same way he had, with strangers showing up on their doorstep.

So,

“Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair somewhat impatiently and looked around at the other men sitting around him, almost 30 in all. Most of them appeared to be around his age 25, though a few were graying and likely middle-aged. While there were some who talked among themselves, overall there was a quietness reflecting everyone’s trepidation. He could only surmise that they’d ended up here the same way he had, with strangers showing up on his doorstep.”

Becomes

“Mattai tapped his fingers at the 30 men sitting around him. Some talked but quiet trepidation hung in the air. A few of the men were older, but most looked to be in their 20s, his age. He wondered if the younger men had ended up here the same way he had, with strangers showing up on their doorstep.”


Which I think is a little bit more stable.

I agree that the OP’s passage is clunky but how you rewrote this is inconsistent with the point the OP was getting across. He Is not tapping his fingers at the people around? What does that even mean? How do you tap your fingers at someone? He is tapping his fingers on a chair while at the same time looking around at the people around him.

 

[KeithD]

I agree that the OP’s passage is clunky but how you rewrote this is inconsistent with the point the OP was getting across.

Yep, I didn't want to get into this again, but all too often a user's request for help in how to punctuate something here is responded to with a rewrite that changes the original meaning. The official motto of editing is "First, do no harm."

 

[Lombardi66]

I agree that the OP’s passage is clunky but how you rewrote this is inconsistent with the point the OP was getting across. He Is not tapping his fingers at the people around? What does that even mean? How do you tap your fingers at someone? He is tapping his fingers on a chair while at the same time looking around at the people around him.

I think you can tap your fingers at someone the same way you can direct any other sort of hand gesture at someone. Remember Nancy Pelosi's alleged snarky clap during the state of the union or whatever it was not too long ago? That was a clap at someone.

If the narrator is impatient, and he is impatient at the men in the circle around him, and he is tapping his finger to indicate his impatience, then he is tapping his finger at the men who are making him impatient.

 

[The_gladiator]

I think you can tap your fingers at someone the same way you can direct any other sort of hand gesture at someone. Remember Nancy Pelosi's alleged snarky clap during the state of the union or whatever it was not too long ago? That was a clap at someone.

If the narrator is impatient, and he is impatient at the men in the circle around him, and he is tapping his finger to indicate his impatience, then he is tapping his finger at the men who are making him impatient.

I suppose, it just feels like it fundamentally altered the OP’s point and is conter to how I myself would write and the rewrite therefore feels disjointed to me just my opinion though.

 

[Lombardi66]

I suppose, it just feels like it fundamentally altered the OP’s point and is conter to how I myself would write and the rewrite therefore feels disjointed to me just my opinion though.

It's a pretty drastic cut, i'll admit. For demonstration purposes I was cutting way more than I probably would if it were my own writing. Sometimes it's fun to just cut something down to a real bare-bones fifth-grade reading level type and then go back and put the embellishments back in one by one to see what adds and what doesn't.

I try to be on the lookout for flabby verbs like "look" and "sit" so that was another part of my thinking, to get around those. Often the result is too choppy in which case the verbs can be put back and/or strengthened instead.

Just my two cents and I'm the noob so take what you want and leave what you don't is always my motto.

 

[AuthorMommy]

Mixup apparently, for mods

They apparently think my new story is same as the ones I wrote over two years ago.... not sure how. Appears that might be the reason they rejected chapter 1. All I can guess is that they saw some slight similarities in the first couple of paragraphs, and rejected it. That's abt as much similarity as there is.

 

[ElectricBlue]

They apparently think my new story is same as the ones I wrote over two years ago.... not sure how. Appears that might be the reason they rejected chapter 1. All I can guess is that they saw some slight similarities in the first couple of paragraphs, and rejected it. That's abt as much similarity as there is.

Stories with the same account name, or a different account? There might well be some kind of an automatic text check to pick up suspected plagiarism.

I suggest you resubmit with a note to Laurel, demonstrating your ownership - although, if you have a different account name, I'm not sure how you'd do that.

 

[KeithD]

I suggest you resubmit with a note to Laurel, demonstrating your ownership - although, if you have a different account name, I'm not sure how you'd do that.

You'd have the other account name send a PM, referencing the issue and giving your OK.

Before my publishing account names became pretty well known, I had stories posted both here and in anthologies in the marketplace challenged at Literotica (which is fine--readers were looking out for me) and that got cleared up with Literotica with a message from the marketplace name. Now the connections are pretty well known and most of the connections are made in my Internet site profiles anyway.

 

[ElectricBlue]

You'd have the other account name send a PM, referencing the issue and giving your OK.

Of course. Only having one account, I didn't think of that. It's not a problem I'm ever going to have.

 

[MetaBob]

Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair somewhat impatiently and looked around at the other men sitting around him, almost 30 in all. Most of them appeared to be around his age 25, though a few were graying and likely middle-aged. While there were some who talked among themselves, overall there was a quietness reflecting everyone’s trepidation. He could only surmise that they’d ended up here the same way he had, with strangers showing up on his doorstep. “At least they seem just as confused as I am,” he thought. “Somewhat comforting, I suppose.”

Two weeks earlier, he’d been prepping his breakfast when there was a knock at his door. He glanced at the clock on the wall and frowned. He’d already taken care of the cows and the other animals on the farm. It wasn’t like her to visit him so early. Was something wrong? “Guess I’ll find out soon enough,” he muttered to himself. Mattei walked quickly over to the door, but when he opened it, he found two women standing outside his door. Dressed in well-fitting marooned robes, he knew exactly who they worked for. It was obvious that they were government officials. Only those under the jurisdiction of the relatively new ruling Council of Ministers wore such robes, and he’d only seen women in such garments on the news, or in the newspaper. Never in person. What were they doing in the countryside? He was on a farm for God’s sake! Had they gotten lost?

“May I help you?” he asked, finally speaking.

“Are you Mattei Loran Ilsam?” the shorter of the two women asked.

“Yes,” he answered hesitantly. “Okay, maybe they aren’t lost,” he thought, before asking, “How may I help you?”

Without seeing the entire 3 chapters you originally posted, I can't make any statements about why your story was rejected other than to echo others in saying that there's nothing in what remains to cause a rejection. I can say that the remaining excerpt could be tightened up considerably. Example, cutting 104 of 289 words:

Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair, impatient and unsettled. While most of the thirty men sitting nearby appeared to be around his age 25, a few were graying. There was very little talk. He could only surmise that everyone ended up here the same way. “At least they seem just as confused as I am,” he thought.

Two weeks earlier, he’d been prepping his breakfast when the knock at his door came. He'd glanced at the clock, frowning. The cows and other animals were already taken care of and it wasn’t like her to visit so early. Was something wrong?

“Guess I’ll find out,” he muttered, and opened the door. Two women dressed in well-fitting maroon robes stood outside. Only those who worked for the relatively new ruling Council of Ministers wore such robes, and he’d only seen women in such garments on the news, never in person. What were they doing on a farm? Were they lost?

“Are you Mattei Loran Ilsam?” the shorter woman asked.

“Yes,” he answered. "Maybe they aren’t lost,” he thought before asking, “How may I help you?”

General advice:

* Minimize adverbs
* Minimize prepositional phrases
* Minimize exclamation points
* Active voice, not passive
* Don't repeat
* Show, don't tell; minimize internal dialogue