Need Advice

[lilhobbit37]

I am currently interested in a girl who is very interested in being dominated sexually, but only sexually. She has already said that she gets turned off when she has to teach her partner how to dominate her, as it defeats the feeling of being dominated. I want to be able to be the dominant person, but I have never done it before. I don't want her to have to teach me, but I have no idea how to learn. I don't want to start a relationship elsewhere. Is there any way I can learn without her teaching me?

Just a couple notes, this is a long distance thing, and I'm a girl as well.

 

[Stella_Omega]

She wants you to read her mind in bed? That's understandable, but creates a real problem for you and her-- kinda hard to do at first, until you get your stroke going.

It is possible for a sub to teach someone how to Dom them but they will have to put their own fantasies of perfection aside, for a little while. It's like teaching someone to lead in dance, when the teacher follows.

One suggestion for her is that she ask you permission for the things she wants you to take control of. That's a way to signal her preferences to you-- and you have the right to make the decisions after she's asked.

"may I sit at your feet? "May I eat from a bowl on the floor?" "I've done a bad thing-- may I be punished?"
"may I cum, please pleaseplease?"
or whatever it is.

 

[lilhobbit37]

Well basically she is turned off when she has to take the lead. So for her to "guide me" would only turn her off which would frustrate me which would suck.

I like the idea about asking permission though. It allows her to lead without leading. And would help me to know what I should be doing, or may not being doing that she would like.

 

[Ohiorob]

Does the LD thing also mean you are not expecting to do this in person? Like most sexual relationships, quality D/s play is about knowing your partner.

There's a thread or two here about LD D/s play. Might want to find and read. See the Distance Domination support thread below.

Since you know little about the sub, explore her interests by requiring some action from her....or writing a fantasy interchange story between you. Judge her response, and go forward. Ya cannt physically hurt someone online....so ya can be pretty strong in what you require.

Learning about D/s is fun. There's lots of great stories here that will help you find ideas and learn. Also a book (cannt recall title) abouts Roses/Thorns....thats a decent learning tool.

Good luck

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well basically she is turned off when she has to take the lead. So for her to "guide me" would only turn her off which would frustrate me which would suck.

I like the idea about asking permission though. It allows her to lead without leading. And would help me to know what I should be doing, or may not being doing that she would like.

She can damn well man up about it. I speak as a masochist who wished, for years and years, that my partner would "command me" to take a spanking at the perfect moment.

One thing I've learned from BDSM is that all sex is better with some negotiation. Hell, even folding the bedsheets with a partner takes communication. BDSM is more complicated than most kinds of sex-- it isn't magic, it's effort.

there are a couple other things you can try, like forcing her to tell you what's on her mind...maybe under the pretence that it's humiliating for her. "Ah ah ah, bitch, you don't get it until you beg for it."

 

[lilhobbit37]

I think the problem is the last few relationships she got into, the person told her they were completely comfortable being dominant, and turned out otherwise. So now, she doesn't want to have to feel like she is dominating herself through them sort of. She isn't looking to force someone to be dominant. We have discussed many of her likes/dislikes so there is communication.

As for forcing her to tell me whats on her mind, that is highly unlikely to succeed knowing her personality. Outside of sexual situations, she isn't submissive at all. So forcing her to do anything is nigh impossible.

To Ohio: No, it wouldn't be a l/d relationship forever. She moved across the country before for a l/d relationship, and she has said she won't rule it out again. It isn't something that we are planning on, as we aren't even in a relationship. We are planning on meeting in person though regardless. So, yes, for now it will be l/d but not forever hopefully.

And thank you, I'll see if I can find those threads.