need advice

[Magic_Mirror]

I have an embarassing problem and I need advice. I haven't been able to become sexually interested in any of my past boyfriends. I don't think I'm frigid, I'm interested in sex, but when it gets to that point I just don't have any tinglies in the lower regions. Is this one of those,"when the time comes" things, or some psychological problem? It's ruining my relationships. Any advice?

 

[MysteryJKR]

I think it is a "when the time comes" thing. Unless you have had past experiences to put you off when that time nears with your past b/f's but if so that is personal, so I dont know bout any of that. But if not. Than I do think its just a patience thing, or the guys you are dating arent as great as you may think. In my opinion even when your not talking or doing anything sexual, if the other person cares for me, or shows me they are there or just whatever It gets me excited and "wanting" of them in that way. Maybe you and your next b/f need to talk about things. Bout each other and whats going on. and even maybe some dirty talking to get each other going.

Argh. Im still a virgin so I dont know what to say exactly, and i know what ive said already is complicated but the general idea could be helpful i think.

 

[cymbidia]

I have an embarassing problem and I need advice. I haven't been able to become sexually interested in any of my past boyfriends. I don't think I'm frigid, I'm interested in sex, but when it gets to that point I just don't have any tinglies in the lower regions. Is this one of those,"when the time comes" things, or some psychological problem? It's ruining my relationships. Any advice?

There's nothing wrong and everything right with going slow, taking your time, getting to really know someone else before any physical intimacy comes about. Go on dates, laugh, joke, drive around, have coffee, discuss world events, hold hands, imagine how it would feel to kiss, see some movies, have Thai food, take walks in the rain, cuddle in front of the TV... all are good precursors to any more "serious" physical intimacy.

---> If your head isn't into it, then your body won't be there either.

When the time comes, when you feel ready to be physically intimate with a special person, then all will be fine. Our bodies were designed to maximize the exchange of genetic material (to put it into a biological context) and, so, it'll work like the well-made piece of machinery it is when the right time comes.

You can't push it, though; if you try, women don't get wet and men don't get hard. Just nature's way of letting you know that you might want to go to the movies a few more times, you know? Talk a little bit more instead of doing the tight clinch thing? Go cruise bookstores together late at night instead of pulling clothes off?

Take your time.
Go for fun, not fucks.
Don't sweat it.
All will be well when you're with the right person and it's the right time for both of you. Really.

 

[DarlingBri]

It could be a huge number of things. It may depend on if the men you are with have enough experience to properly stimulate you, but that's not a "when the time comes" thing.

Do your lower regions tingle when you're alone? Can you masturbate pleasureably? Can you achieve that level of pleasure with a man but without intercourse?

If you don't own a vibrator, you really, really should get one. The fact that you *can* be turned on and even achieve orgasm will give you more confidence about what can happen - the confidence to know your body can and does respond - the next time you're in a relationship with a man.

 

[His Whimsicality]

Big question is if you masturbate and if you can climax. If no, I´d start here; if yes, try to relax and enjoy when with a boyfriend, don´t say to yourself 'gotta get excited now', just let it come.

 

[Coggie]

Magic......

Hi

You're certainly not alone and I think there's some good suggestions here already particularly from Cym and DB.

I'm a guy with a typical male over inflated ego but I can suffer from a lack of performance on occasions. I believe this can be because of "a bad day at the office", my partner doing something I find off putting or I'm just generally off colour. I think, for me at least, it's normally a brain thing where essentially, as Cym put it, "my head isn't there" excuse the pun. You may not be quite as you would wish for the same reason purely because you feel the pressure you, your b/f and/or the relationship creates.

It's easy to say chill out and less easy to do so I would suggest in addition to the advice already given you consider a call to someone qualified. I would not do that until you've explored the other options but with a healthy interest in sex, an ability to attract and ability to mix I doubt your problems are serious.

I wanted to add this and I wasn't quite sure know how to put it, please note I mean no offence but nobody has mentioned your age. I wonder from what you've said how old you are and if you have had previous better experiences. I'm not asking you to give this information but merely saying you should consider that too as it could be relevant, I can't tell but you could be at either end of your sexual activity.

 

[DarlingBri]

Hmmm, all good points

I had not read Cym's post prior to my own, because we were posting at the same time. Pity; her advice was so good. As always. Bah!

Coggie's points are important. I myself wondered if you were rather young, or perhaps new to sexual realtionships. That can have a lot to do with it, as can various anxieties that come from inexperience: concerns about your body being acceptable, insecurity about the scent of your arousal, fear that you don't know how to "do it right," no matter what "it" is.

I think most of us have been there at one point. Some of us, many years on, still struggle with "new" things in the bedroom. Its natural, but as Cym points out, it can be so much less of a worry when you are close to your partner.

Lastly, if these points don't feel relevant to you, and particularly if you can't become aroused during masturbation, then I agree that you might want to talk to your doctor. I hope for your own peace of mind that your situation is not that severe.

In any case, I wish you the best of luck. Please come back and let us know how it's going.

--Bri

 

[nitengale]

I have an embarassing problem and I need advice. I haven't been able to become sexually interested in any of my past boyfriends. I don't think I'm frigid, I'm interested in sex, but when it gets to that point I just don't have any tinglies in the lower regions. Is this one of those,"when the time comes" things, or some psychological problem? It's ruining my relationships. Any advice?

Lots of good advice....here's mine. Make sure your sexual problem is NOT related to any underlying medical condition that you may or may not be aware of having. Now might be a great time to get that physical and discuss your concerns with an GYN. Are you taking any meds? Rule out the physical before tackling the mental / emotional.

Good luck!

 

[cymbidia]

...DarlingBri was, as usual, right on base with her advice, and Coggie's points were, as DB said, right on target, too. Nitengale's a nurse; you might want to listen to her, babes.

IF you can masturbate to orgasm THEN you simply need to relax when you're with a partner.
(Read that again, okay?)

Relaxation can take the form of more dating and less physical intimacy until you're *both* ready for that physical intimacy. Relaxation can also take the form of you being more vocal with your partner regarding what feels good to you and telling him/her *precisely* the kind of stimulation to which you respond best.

The age/experience level thing is important. If you're very young and/or haven't had much experience experimenting with your own sexuality then maybe it's time to rethink the whole "having sex" issue. Maybe it's time to go buy a vibrator, babes, and begin to experiment with what we all have to learn sooner or later: how to make ourselves orgasm.

If you aren't comfy or knowledgeable with how your body works and what it needs to feel *really* good, how will you help someone else learn that stuff? Your partner will never, magically, through mind reading or something, know more about the way you work then you do. If you don't know how to get yourself off, s/he won't be able to do much toward helping you with that, right? Isn't that logical?

Learning to masturbate is a normal, healthy, natural activity. Boys (having a four year old, i can say this with certainty) begin learning what their penis' are for from the first time they reach down there and give it a yank (at about three days old, it seems). For us girls, our good parts are far more hidden, far less accessible. Plus, while we're growing up, people kept telling us not to touch down there! What's a good girl to do, hmmm?

Well, good girls (and bad!) need to learn to touch themselves and to masturbate to orgasm. At some point, almost all of us reached down there and began to experiment with the responses and needs of our bodies. That kind of solo experimentation might well be right for you before you go any farther trying to mix your own sexuality with someone else's.

FYI, here's what i believe to be the best little vibrator (not a dildo, there's a difference) on the market. Best=value for your money, expense, performance, non-embarrassing color and shape (~g~), and just for your using pleasure, you can get this little baby online therefore it's delivered to your door and there's no embarrassing visits to *THOSE* kinda stores necessary: http://www.stockroom.com/a491.htm

And finally, just to finish boring you to death, don't forget *real* birth control if you're out there fucking around, babes. You know the old Planned Parenthood joke?

Q. What do they call girls who use the rhythm method?
A. Mothers

[Edited by cymbidia on 04-17-2001 at 09:32 AM]

 

[Magic_Mirror]

Thanks for all the good advice, I'm surprised so many people would care. Again, this is going to sound odd. I used to be able to masterbate just fine, just not in the past two years or so. I'm in college, so I don't consider myself incredibly young, but I'm definately not very experienced. I'll try to use your advice, including going to my GYN(those visits never get any better
Does anyone know how much stress factors in? I took a stress test where 20 was high, and I got a 38.
I know that this probably isn't a quick fix, I really do. I appreciate all of the help, though. Thanks.

 

[Weird Harold]

Again, this is going to sound odd. I used to be able to masterbate just fine, just not in the past two years or so.
...

Does anyone know how much stress factors in? I took a stress test where 20 was high, and I got a 38.

I can't cite any study's or facts, but I would guess that high stress is not conducive to good sex. Of course, good sex can be a wonderful stress reliever, but it also requires a certain comfort level and relaxation to happen.

It's sort of a catch 22. If you let the stress keep you from enjoying sex, then sex can't help you relive the stress.

It does sound very much like stress is related to your lack of sexual response. I can't say whether its cause or effect though.