Need advice please - how to revive the spark

[bailadora]

I hope I'm posting this in the correct place. I'm seeking advice on how to reconnect with my husband. A little background information: We've been together for 19 years - married 15 of those 19 years. We have three kids - the youngest of which is 18 months. The last three years have been a bit rough : two miscarriages within 6 months of each other and my resulting depression, followed by the birth of my youngest and then dealing with her very clingy, demanding personality. Needless to say our relationship has suffered. Over the last few weeks, I've realized that we've become more like roommates - living in the same house, but leading separate lives (did I mention I stay home with the kids). I love this man dearly, but alot of times it feels like we're out of sync with each other. After much heart to heart discussion over the past week, we've agreed that we need to reinvest in us as a couple.

One thing that he said to me really caught my attention - that he sometimes feels like I no longer find him desirable. So I'd like some advice regarding things I can do to let him know that I do think about him and that I do still desire him, even if I am sometimes too tired to act on it. For example: last night - we were both exhausted and sex was totally out of the question. But right after brushing my teeth - I put a chocolate covered Altoid in my mouth. When I kissed him goodnight - I slipped it to him. He was really surprised and we exchanged it a couple of times before cuddling up and going to sleep. Today I sent him an email at work asking if he wanted an Altoid. He told me that he had to sit at his desk for a few minutes before attending his next meeting.

You may wonder - why don't I just ask him what he likes? The thing is that I want to surprise him. Somehow I think it means more when you're going about your everyday routine and then you get a sexy little jolt. My problem is that I've been stuck in mom mode for so long, that the sexual creativity well is pretty damn dry. I'd appreciate any advice anyone has to offer. Thanks.

 

[M's girl]

Hey Bailadora, first of all: welcome to Lit; you've come to the right place.

My first thoughts, when reading your story, were "how very, very recognizable"! No, I'm not a mother, but I do read a lot about relationships and what you are describing is soooo common.

I applaud both of you for recognizing something needs to be done. It will take effort and determination after you have let it go for such a long time. There will be lots of people 'walking into this thread' probably with lots of good suggestions (and you also might want to look around in HT and the café and stroll trough the Blank Manual - because there have been threads about or similar to your question before) but remember that only you and your husband can really tell each other what your hopes and dreams are. What might work for me and M may be a total put off when you try it on your husband, you know?

I would say: try to find some special time for just the two of you on a regular basis. Find someone to babysit your children and have a night out, or stay at home but then do something special, creating the right atmosphere for talking, cuddling and maybe sex also, without the chance/fear of being interrupted. Go away together for a few days and things like that. You so need that as a couple!

Oh, and if you ever wonder if you can 'leave' your children (for an evening, for a weekend) or if you're being egoistic? Don't! You both need it to reconnect and in the end being stronger as a couple also means you can be better parents to your children.

 

[M's girl]

I just read this book "Men, love & sex: the complete user's guide for women" It was fun to read. You have to, of course, not take it too serious but you can pick up a few ideas from there. One of the authors is the chief editor of Men's Health Magazine and the book (also) derives from a survey that the magazine performed amongst it's reading members. Women asked questions, the men answered them and then there are quotes from men on all kinds of subjects all through the book.

I think in your case the "sexy remarks" quotes has proven to have worked already (when you called him at work, reminding him of the exciting thing you did the night before). This has a lot to do with what he said about not feeling wanted anymore, or rather, it is one of the ways to make him feel desired and wanted again. Flirt with him again. Be nice & sweet but also bold and sexy some times. It must do you good as well when you know (the feedback from him is great) you have left him stuck behind his desk because YOU gave him an instant hard on just by talking to him on the phone. That is power. And most men simply love this stuff. It's easy to do and the results are great. If you both play it right it can easily snowball into great sex episodes time after time. I can tell you, because M and I do this often times.

 

[bailadora]

thanks...

M's girl - thanks so much for the advice. I've logged lots of time on these boards the past few days and I'm definately ordering the book you mentioned. I guess part of what I'm seeking is how to maintain what someone referred to as "mind sex". I guess maybe foreplay for the mind - building the anticipation. Does that make sense? It's sad, but it really feels like I've forgotten how to do this. The altoid thing has pretty much been my most creative venture in months.
Ah well - it's a start.

 

[Millificent]

Hey Bailadora, first of all: welcome to Lit; you've come to the right place.

My first thoughts, when reading your story, were "how very, very recognizable"! No, I'm not a mother, but I do read a lot about relationships and what you are describing is soooo common.

I applaud both of you for recognizing something needs to be done. It will take effort and determination after you have let it go for such a long time. There will be lots of people 'walking into this thread' probably with lots of good suggestions (and you also might want to look around in HT and the café and stroll trough the Blank Manual - because there have been threads about or similar to your question before) but remember that only you and your husband can really tell each other what your hopes and dreams are. What might work for me and M may be a total put off when you try it on your husband, you know?

I would say: try to find some special time for just the two of you on a regular basis. Find someone to babysit your children and have a night out, or stay at home but then do something special, creating the right atmosphere for talking, cuddling and maybe sex also, without the chance/fear of being interrupted. Go away together for a few days and things like that. You so need that as a couple!

Oh, and if you ever wonder if you can 'leave' your children (for an evening, for a weekend) or if you're being egoistic? Don't! You both need it to reconnect and in the end being stronger as a couple also means you can be better parents to your children.

I agree with everything said here...and I'm a mom

 

[M's girl]

Oh, there are a zillion little things you can do, you know? But there's one thing: teasing is wonderful but at one point there needs to be some follow up. He has indicated he needs to feel special and wanted. There are so many things you can do. Just a few examples but it's up to you to match the ones (or alter them) so they fit you and your man because some may be too bold, or mushy, or whatever, you know?

Send him an e-mail to tell him you love him and give him something (a promise) to look forward to. For that night or next weekend or the next time you have a chance to spend some time together & alone.

Find a 'nice' online catalogue with lingerie and send him (by e-mail) a picture of something you like. Ask him if he would like to go shopping with you, attaching that pic to the e-mail.

Men hardly ever indicate this, but they can be very insecure plus they need as much love as we (women) do but are afraid to ask for affection, being afraid to come across as wimps. Tell him to lie down, take off his shirt, poor him his favorite drink and give him a good massage. Tell him how much you still want him and need him.

Ask him to do something (physical) for/to you like playing with your hair, giving you a massage, or something sexual even and tell him in detail why you want it and how (good!) it makes you feel.

While washing the dishes (him ) go stand behind him, wrap your arms around him and grab him by the balls. Whisper in his ear: "Do you know how much I love you? I so much want to show you!" Make sure this is at a time where he at least needs to wait a few hours and keep him interested afterwards or until then..... ​

Should I go on? basically it's all the things you did when you first dated. It's the anticipation, the longing and wanting ....

 

[bailadora]

yes...

This is exactly what I'm looking for. Thanks ever so much! I do realize there needs to be follow through and do intend to deliver. I just need help in getting my rusty imagination going again. Although since I've had sex on the brain the last few days, things are slowly starting to form. Was at the store today getting groceries and Alana Myles' "Black Velvet" was playing over the PA. Got me to thinking - hmm - this store sells fabric. Bought a length of black faux fur. Going to send him a pic along with the lyrics.

Going to file your suggestions and if you have any more you'd like to share, please do. Thanks again!

 

[M's girl]

Black Velvet. That song is perfect. There's a whole bunch of nice 'n sultry songs like that. What do you intend to do with the fabric? Does he like to listen to music and does he travel to work by car? How about making him a CD with songs like this (I have a few more suggestions and there's other threads here on Lit that feature more) and add a cover that suggests he starts thinking about (and sharing with you) how he would like to make love to you with those (slow, haha) rhythms in mind?

Then... use a small part of the fabric to make a special cover to slid the hardbox in. I have an idea for a label too so if you're interested, PM me.

I will come up with more thoughts later.

 

[Millificent]

On a related note (but not exactly what you asked for), make sure you tell your husband how attractive he is to you. Verbally tell him that you still desire him.

 

[M's girl]

On a related note (but not exactly what you asked for), make sure you tell your husband how attractive he is to you. Verbally tell him that you still desire him.

That too yes.... I was wondering if he's on a similar path... finding out what HE can do ....?

 

[NippleMuncher]

One of the more fun and exciting things is the use of "code" words or phrases - such as your altoids story - that no one besides you and your husband know the true meaning of. My girlfriend and I have several foods that are associated with our intimacy, so we can slyly say those things aloud in mixed company and no one is the wiser, or offer up a wink when someone else say these words in casual conversation.

I am a very tactile person - I like to touch. I cannot walk past my girlfriend without a little tweak or pat on the rump. If the coast is clear, maybe a little grope, blow in the ear, nibbling on the nape of her neck. All things do not have to be sexual, something as a quick neck or shoulder massage, or a pat on the head as I walk by the couch. She does the same things to me. There is constant hugs and kisses. Our love is expressed in what we do every day for each other, whether it's making a meal, taking her to work or other appointments, or shopping with her (and I hate shopping! ). When we're driving around, we usually have a hand on each others leg or shoulder.

But, you were asking for some sensual spice and ideas.

• Do you ever wear a robe around the house in the mornings? You could put on lingerie and give hubby a peek when the coast is clear, which the idea of "getting caught" may heighten the arousal for both of you.
• Slip a pair of your sexy panties into his pocket for him to find when he goes for the car keys or later at work, as long as he's not likely to pull them out in the middle of a board meeting.
• Love notes placed for him to find, such as the bathroom mirror (Did you know that you can write on a glass mirror with colored Sharpies and it will wash right off? ). If he showers in the morning, sneak into the bathroom and leave a note in the fogged mirror.
• Wear an oversized t-shirt without a bra and rub up against him. Flashing can also be done if the coast is clear.
• Does the opportunity to bath together ever present itself? While he's in the shower, you can sneak in and join him.
• As earlier mentioned, the use of "code" words and phrases.
• Cuddle on the couch while watching tv - toss in a blanket and some discreet fun can be had (or is that hand? )
  
  
• Something of a naughty nature, do you know a fantasy, position, or sexual technique that he'd like, but you've been reticent to try? Maybe you could arrange that?

That's what comes to me at the moment. Affection is shown in the things we do for each other every day, both with the knowledge that the other appreciates the efforts made, regardless of what those deeds may be.

 

[bailadora]

Nip:

Thanks for the post and the great ideas. You've hit it right on the head about affection being shown in our everyday actions. Sad to say, but he and I both have let this slip. I can't speak for him, but I know that I have been so wrapped up in being a parent, that I've basically devoted the majority of my energy to our kids and given him what's leftover. I cringe even as I type this, but sometimes it hurts to heal. Our anniversary was a few weeks ago. And do you know that I was the one who forgot about it until the day of? Sweet man that he is: he got a friend to lure me out of the house, then he and the kids decorated the kitchen for a romantic candle lit dinner - to recreate the night he proposed to me. He got the kids to bed, called me on my cell and said he needed me at home right away. I was kind of annoyed at first, but when I walked into the house, I was stunned. Made me feel really special, but also made me feel like shit that I'd forgotten and hadn't planned anything in return.

M's girl: I don't know what he's planning and I'm not even sure he knows what's going on in my head these days. I think that I'm just going to keep of list of things that I would really like and then either email him or put it on his pillow or something.

For now, I'm taking responsibility for my part in reviving this relationship.

 

[bailadora]

On a related note (but not exactly what you asked for), make sure you tell your husband how attractive he is to you. Verbally tell him that you still desire him.

You're right - I don't do this often enough and I should.

 

[M's girl]

..... Our anniversary was a few weeks ago. And do you know that I was the one who forgot about it until the day of? Sweet man that he is: he got a friend to lure me out of the house, then he and the kids decorated the kitchen for a romantic candle lit dinner - to recreate the night he proposed to me. He got the kids to bed, called me on my cell and said he needed me at home right away. I was kind of annoyed at first, but when I walked into the house, I was stunned. Made me feel really special, but also made me feel like shit that I'd forgotten and hadn't planned anything in return.

M's girl: I don't know what he's planning and I'm not even sure he knows what's going on in my head these days. I think that I'm just going to keep of list of things that I would really like and then either email him or put it on his pillow or something.

For now, I'm taking responsibility for my part in reviving this relationship.

Well, the anniversary example answers my question I guess. Good for him. I think it would be a good thing for you to let him know just how much you appreciated this. Forget about the feeling shitty you forgot, he gets that I assume. Focus on the positive things. Maybe you can find a way to let him know this anniversary thing he did for you made you realize how much you let things slip away and above all, how special he is for making the effort regardless.

Men do know and realize that motherhood is very demanding so for the largest part he won't even blame you. The trick now is, of course, to find a way together to get things back on track. I guess surprises are good and you can still do them but I also think it would do him a world of good if you tell him you are working hard to improve and revive your relationship. After all it's one of the few things you can really only do together, this reconnecting.

Oh, and I have no clue whatsoever about the lapdancing, except that for most men (unless they are regulars at stripclubs) any lapdance is good. High heels, "Black Velvet" and some sexy underwear and him (maybe) semi-tied to a chair should get you there easy

 

[bailadora]

Maybe you can find a way to let him know this anniversary thing he did for you made you realize how much you let things slip away and above all, how special he is for making the effort regardless.

Yep - did mention that during our last heart to heart. Told him that I'd been bragging on him 'bout it, too.

..but I also think it would do him a world of good if you tell him you are working hard to improve and revive your relationship. After all it's one of the few things you can really only do together, this reconnecting.

Yeah - need to visit this topic in depth. Didn't have much time together yesterday and I had to explain the Black Velvet thing - he thought I'd bought an Elvis picture . His response - "Not that I'm complaining, but what's gotten into you?" Didn't get use my black velvet either cause he conked out on me, but tonite.. .

Oh, and I have no clue whatsoever about the lapdancing, except that for most men (unless they are regulars at stripclubs) any lapdance is good. High heels, "Black Velvet" and some sexy underwear and him (maybe) semi-tied to a chair should get you there easy

Probably so - guess it's a combination of feeling a little insecure bout this and letting my perfectionist attitude plant doubts that I could pull this off without looking stupid.

 

[tgnytg]

One way to F up a relationship

This one sort of stands out to me (I'm male BTW):

If you want to destroy intimacy in your relationship, make sure you do this:

While washing the dishes (him ) go stand behind him, wrap your arms around him and grab him by the balls. Whisper in his ear: "Do you know how much I love you? I so much want to show you!" Make sure this is at a time where he at least needs to wait a few hours and keep him interested afterwards or until then.....

... then never quite get back to the "afterwards" or "until then" part.

Trust me, it is emotionally more devastating than if you had kneed him in the nuts.

 

[bailadora]

... then never quite get back to the "afterwards" or "until then" part.

Trust me, it is emotionally more devastating than if you had kneed him in the nuts.

Thanks for the male perspective. It's greatly appreciated. Will make sure that I deliver what I promise.

 

[Javagirl]

Marriage Counselor that I am..ha ha!

No, I'm not a marriage counselor but all my married friends come to me with their problems. Alas, I'm not married and I don't have kids but I have been in long term relationships and I have plenty of friends who are married with kids.

One of my friend's and her hubby plans a special date "night" where they dress up and go out to dinner or a movie--just the two of them ALONE. They have two rambunctious, high energy boys and I know this helps keep them sane (and spices up their marriage). My friend has a dirty mind so she's always finding naughty games (like naughty dice) or sexy panties to liven things up. I think that's why they've been able to make it work and their marriage has been far from perfect.

I see my friends and how much energy and time they put into their kids. I'm not sure if you are a stay at home mom but that's a HUGE job. I know that if I had kids and was taking care of them all day, I'd be incredibly tired. Hell, if I was working and had to take care of kids--either way, you look at it, I still feel the majority of the caretaking role falls upon the mom. I'm not saying that the dads don't pull their weight but I see some of my friend's and their marriages and they still are the main caretakers.

I think you're on the right track and it's a matter of communication, honesty and making an effort. That was very sweet what he did for your anniversary--he really loves you

Also, I won't win many fans by saying this but the Editor of Men's Health is a sexist pig and the book he wrote (I read excerpts in the bookstore--the book is horrible) is a complete joke and is an insult to both men and women. This dude has written some very ridiculous and ass-backwards articles about men and women and relationships. So I wouldn't advise reading his crap--he has no clue. That's just my opinion!

 

[SimpleGifts]

Here's stuff that would appeal to me, if my wife were working on "reviving the spark." Some of it repeats what's been said, but again, this is from the male perspective.

Yes, we're insecure. I have no problem admitting that. Tell him that he turns you on. Don't go for some hokey move like squeezing his biceps and saying, "Oh, what big muscles you have!" Be sincere, be a little creative, make sure your compliment is authentic.

If you ARE too tired to play--or if he is, also--be sure to make a promise that you WILL be in the mood at another time. Feel free to be specific. I've heard pros and cons about "scheduling sex," but as has been said, anticipation counts for a lot...and a guy can get very turned on by knowing what's ahead, so to speak. And feel free to tease along the way.

But as mentioned above...if you're gonna tease, DO follow through. Don't renege on a promise.

One thing I haven't read here yet--do NOT put YOURSELF down. Guys are attracted to confidence, too. I have no idea what you look like, so maybe you're Rebecca Romijn...but if you're not, don't go around talking about how fat you are, or how imperfect you are. If you're not in shape and you want to work on it, then do so...but be confident in how you appear and that you CAN still seduce him. And if he compliments your appearance, accept those compliments graciously and don't try to contradict him.

If you believe that you ARE a seductress, a temptress, a woman who can turn him on...then that's who you will be. I appreciate that it's hard to feel that way when you're chasing rugrats and wrangling yardapes all day--BELIEVE ME, I probably could never manage that myself. But it's a huge turn-off to be around a woman who is convinced she's unattractive and can't stop talking about it.

Bon courage--you've got a lucky husband.

SG

 

[bailadora]

I see my friends and how much energy and time they put into their kids. I'm not sure if you are a stay at home mom but that's a HUGE job. I know that if I had kids and was taking care of them all day, I'd be incredibly tired. Hell, if I was working and had to take care of kids--either way, you look at it, I still feel the majority of the caretaking role falls upon the mom. I'm not saying that the dads don't pull their weight but I see some of my friend's and their marriages and they still are the main caretakers.

Java - yep, I'm a SAHM and it's the hardest job I've ever had. He tries to help, he really does. But yeah - the reality is that the bulk of the care does fall on me. And while I love them to death, but there are days I could cheerfully strangle the little boogers . Sometimes, early in the day - I have a mood going and think - "Just wait till that man of mine gets home ". And then the older two come home from school and somewhere in the midst of homework, squabbles, ballet lessons, scouts,team practices and whatever other madness is going on that day - the mood just shrivels up and dies. And by the time he gets home, all I want is a bath, a glass of wine, and then some z's. I have a hard time maintaining the balance between me - the woman and me - the mom.

if you believe that you ARE a seductress, a temptress, a woman who can turn him on...then that's who you will be.

SG - because I have trouble maintaining that balance - I think that I HAVE lost touch with this part of myself. I haven't really stopped to think about this before, but I don't really see myself this way. I don't put myself down verbally, but do have to admit that when he gives me a compliment of this nature - mentally I am thinking - "Who do you think you are fooling?" I need to work on this. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

The good news is that I'm starting to see improvement here and there. There is more cuddling going on, and more emails and phone calls just to say I love you. About a week back, he took a half day off. We still had the youngest with us, but we went out to breakfast and got a chance to really talk. And best of all - he asked how he could help more around the house - with no nagging or prompting from me ! OK - sounds stupid to get so excited, I know - but having that extra pair of hands to help when the kids have messed up the living room for the 5th time that day....that's huge in my book! Slowly - progress is being made....