Naked men and women

[Dar~]

can anyone do a quick read through of this poem for me and give me constructive criticism


Can you make me feel
Can you touch my soul

Take away the emptiness
Fill me up with fire

Erase all the memories
of failed attempts at love

Redeem me in the eyes of life
Bring emotion to my song

I want your arms around me
Bring your heat to my chilled heart
Wrap your passion all around me

Bind my doubts in your belief
I need release from agony

Your merciless caress
Tear from me my wrappings

Devour me in your desire
Taste my lonely tears

Trail fire down my scorned form
Bring me to the surface

Force me to breathe
Entice response from the long unloved

Tease my heart into submission
Make love to me, make me love too.



ps: bet that title made you look

 

[minsue]

It reads kind of choppy to me, but I'm terrible at editing poems so I don't really have any suggestions. If nothing else, I would break up the lines. It's difficult to read with no spacing.

 

[Dar~]

It reads kind of choppy to me, but I'm terrible at editing poems so I don't really have any suggestions. If nothing else, I would break up the lines. It's difficult to read with no spacing.

Better

 

[cantdog]

It needs a blue pencil.

Can you make me feel
Can you touch my soul

Take away the emptiness
Fill me up with fire

Erase all the memories
of failed attempts at love

Redeem me in the eyes of life
Bring emotion to my song

I want your arms around me
Bring your heat to my chilled heart
Wrap your passion all around me

Bind my doubts in your belief
I need release from agony

Your merciless caress
Tear from me my wrappings

Devour me in your desire
Taste my lonely tears

Trail fire down my scorned form
Bring me to the surface

Force me to breathe
Entice response from the long unloved

Tease my heart into submission
Make love to me, make me love too.

 

[wildsweetone]

can anyone do a quick read through of this poem for me and give me constructive criticism


Can you make me feel
Can you touch my soul
Take away the emptiness
Fill me up with fire
Erase all the memories
of failed attempts at love
Redeem me in the eyes of life
Bring emotion to my song
I want your arms around me
Bring your heat to my chilled heart
Wrap your passion all around me
Bind my doubts in your belief
I need release from agony
Your merciless caress
Tear from me my wrappings
Devour me in your desire
Taste my lonely tears
Trail fire down my scorned form
Bring me to the surface
Force me to breathe
Entice response from the long unloved
Tease my heart into submission
Make love to me, make me love too.

...

I like your alliteration, but would like to see more concrete imagery added.

Personally, I'd prefer to see more punctuation, question marks and commas etc. the question marks would give visual emphasis to the questions.

Wrap your passion all around me
Bind my doubts in your belief
I need release from agony
Your merciless caress
Tear from me my wrappings

You want to be wrapped in passion and then have that wrapping torn away? I read being wrapped in passion as a kind of security, to tear it away doesn't quite sound right.

Probably you need to space out between 'your merciless caress' and 'tear me from my wrappings'. Edited to add: I see you've altered the spacing and it reads quite differently to how I first thought. lol

Bring emotion to my song
I want your arms around me
Bring your heat to my chilled heart

Perhaps reword to remove one of the 'Bring's.

I think the metaphor might be a little mixed also. You're talking about 'fire' through most of the poem and then this line 'Bring me to the surface' makes me think you're talking about being under water.

It would be worth you posting this poem into the Poetry Forum, there are others far more capable than I am at giving great critiques who will help.

 

[Dar~]

It needs a blue pencil.

Can you make me feel
Can you touch my soul

Take away the emptiness
Fill me up with fire

Erase all the memories
of failed attempts at love

Redeem me in the eyes of life
Bring emotion to my song

I want your arms around me
Bring your heat to my chilled heart
Wrap your passion all around me

Bind my doubts in your belief
I need release from agony

Your merciless caress
Tear from me my wrappings

Devour me in your desire
Taste my lonely tears

Trail fire down my scorned form
Bring me to the surface

Force me to breathe
Entice response from the long unloved

Tease my heart into submission
Make love to me, make me love too.

I don't know what that meant. Sorry

 

[wildsweetone]

Wow cant that's succinct!

 

[yui]

Wow Can't that's succinct!

Agreed. Wow, cant... Incredible.

 

[yui]

I don't know what that meant. Sorry

Read just the part in black, Dar. Read it aloud. It's even more powerful without the verbiage.

 

[Dar~]

Read just the part in black, Dar. Read it aloud. It's even more powerful without the verbiage.

Yeah i know
I almost think it's his poem now.

I am always afraid for my poems to be too short, I worry that people won't understand what I am feeling.

 

[cantdog]

Sorry to be so brutal. The poem hit me hard but just parts of it. I know the feeling.

The fire is the lover; the numb feeling under the surface is very real if you're long unloved or scorned. Beautiful, dar.

 

[minsue]

Yeah i know
I almost think it's his poem now.

I am always afraid for my poems to be too short, I worry that people won't understand what I am feeling.

Sweetie, they're your words. Take any and all suggestions that you agree with and toss the rest.

And don't worry about short poems. I don't.

 

[cantdog]

No way, it's all yours. You did this, whatever parts you keep. That's what you came here to do, right? No worries, kid, the poem is every word your own.

with love

cantdog

 

[CharleyH]

can anyone do a quick read through of this poem for me and give me constructive criticism


Can you make me feel
Can you touch my soul

Take away the emptiness
Fill me up with fire

Erase all the memories
of failed attempts at love

Redeem me in the eyes of life
Bring emotion to my song

I want your arms around me
Bring your heat to my chilled heart
Wrap your passion all around me

Bind my doubts in your belief
I need release from agony

Your merciless caress
Tear from me my wrappings

Devour me in your desire
Taste my lonely tears

Trail fire down my scorned form
Bring me to the surface

Force me to breathe
Entice response from the long unloved

Tease my heart into submission
Make love to me, make me love too.



ps: bet that title made you look

Needs more cohesion, stanzas split like this dont do it justice. ASK poetry board THOUGH... Lauren, The Fool, Fly Guy, Angeline, 1201, Art, Jim, Annaswirls AND Red hot heat (she knows) say Charley sent you over and they will be harsh, yet kind LOL, but fair EDIT: Better yet, do not mention me. (joking-do) They are haerd toget to know but kind and politely honest

 

[Dar~]

I appreciate all the help I submitted the version Cant helped me to create, it captured exactly what I felt tonight when I wrote it. You are all super great!

 

[LadyJeanne]

Sorry to be so brutal. The poem hit me hard but just parts of it. I know the feeling.

The fire is the lover; the numb feeling under the surface is very real if you're long unloved or scorned. Beautiful, dar.

You rock.

 

[Dar~]

You rock.

Yeah I know he isn't brutal atall